I Missed It!

Last year, as a freshman, I nearly slept through Pride. I didn’t mean to do it, but I had honestly forgotten what was going on, and I was tired for some reason I can’t remember. I did wind up kicking myself for it later on in the day, and vowed I wasn’t going to miss it as a sophomore, no matter what.

Well, freshman me would be mortified by her future self.

Yep, that’s right. I didn’t go to Pride. Now, don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t like I didn’t want to be there. It’s just that organic chemistry exists, and, however unfortunately, one of our three exams (and consequently, four grades in the class) happened to take place two days later, and I wasn’t taking any chances, even if it meant making a few sacrifices.

But, honestly, I think my justification for missing Pride, other than my studies, was a rationalization a good friend nearly slapped me in the face with in the midst of one of my life-loathing rants about hell week. Why should you spend only one weekend being unashamed and proud of who you are, when you should be doing that every day? Who cares if you missed Pride? Now, granted, without a whole community joining you in the celebration of personal identity, doing just that can be difficult.  Learning to accept and love yourself is an uphill battle for sure, a Sisyphean task of epic proportions to learn to listen to some people and ignore others, and not to take prejudice too personally. But, hey, we have to do it.

I challenge you all, therefore, to make Pride last all year. Yeah, enjoy Pride when it happens. Revel in a weekend of no regrets about yourself, but carry that sentiment with you all the time, and see if you can keep going even when things get tough. Honestly, it’s the best thing I’ve ever tried to do for myself, and I bet it would be for everyone else, gay, straight, bi, or otherwise. 

Why You So Bitter?

Let's all just face the truth here. We live in a bubble. This is college everyone. 99% of us are in our late teens/early twenties. Let me show you what this means in concrete mathematical terms. *Disclaimer* I’m an English major so bear with me here!

Horny teenagers/young adults in their sexual prime + confined, homogenous (in terms of age) environment = shit show = college = Duke

Okay, so I used loaded abstract terms thrown in with some mathematical notation; big deal I already said I’m in Trinity, give me a break. My liberal arts ignorance aside, you get the point.

There are so many wonderful people here to look at/drool over/wonder if they're straight or not/get upset at when nobody approaches us.

Many people BECOME sexually active in college, and many of us here have only known the "market" that currently exists around us. There are Duke students and more Duke students, and that's about it. Yeah, you can venture over to UNC or some other school, but let's be honest, it's pretty much more of the same.

My point is this: It's so easy to be bitter because a lot of us are just starting out, but it's also understandable because we don't know anything else. (Did any of you find "love" back in high school? I know I didn't!) Duke is a truly awesome place, and I love it here. I love many of the people I've met in my three years here, and have hated others, of course (insert your “favorite” frat-star or that annoying guy/girl from your freshman seminar here), but I have to step back and admit to myself that this isn't reality. Yes, Duke is obviously a real place where we experience real joy, real sadness, real pain, and real hardships. But this is also an incredibly artificial environment. Good luck making up your own schedule when you get your first job; There is no ACES, there is only your boss and his/her expectation that you will have your shit together every day. Didn’t get your assignment done? Sure you can go ahead and turn it in late—right after you clean out your desk, that is. Unless you go straight to grad school (and even then you probably won't live on campus), all of you--all of us--will have to move on to the real world after we leave the Gothic Wonderland.

Out in the wilderness that is the working world, there are no such things as LGBT centers and Fab Friday’s at which to scope out the, uhhh “talent”, or frat parties where you can try to play “guess the gay”, and realize well before you brown out that it isn’t gonna happen tonight. The ratio of your age group to old people will be very different than the 30:1 you have grown accustomed to here. It will no longer be attractive for you to show up to social events wearing a pinnie you made from a t-shirt that always seemed one size too small on you….At some point, sexy will no longer be how often you go to the gym, but how often you go to work, and without having to wear your sunglasses all day to hide the shame of the night before.

The real world is different because the situations are different, but so are the people. Think back to your first day of high school. Who were you then? You were you, of course. But maybe you weren’t quite as open minded then. Maybe your friends were a little less ambitious than the ones you have now. Maybe you weren’t as secure in your sexuality then…maybe you didn’t even know what sexuality was! “People never change” is a term we seem to hear a lot, and I think it rings true to some degree—I was Kory yesterday, am again today, and probably will be tomorrow. But even though I haven’t changed, I know that each day I pick up something new—some new experience, some new observation—that becomes a part of who I am. Slowly, you begin to think differently as all of these experiences start to stack on top of each other. Maybe people don’t change, but what I know is true is that people develop over time. What we think about ourselves in ten years will be different than what we think now, and how we think about other people will surely change as well. There are always wonderful exceptions, but chances are that the person you can’t get enough of right now will make the future you want to throw up.

I would argue that all of us are on some level pretty immature. No, don’t get defensive, I don’t mean childish. I mean that most of us are still pretty inexperienced romantically. Ever think you were in love? Well, ya weren’t. Love isn’t something you think, it’s something you feel. Trust me, I’ve been down that road before. My first romantic encounter was with someone I really really liked, but definitely not the kind of person I could now see myself with for the rest of my life. It’s easy to think that we lost out when we don’t know anything, or anyone, else. I only came to this conclusion after dating more people with vastly different personalities, values, character traits, etc.

I’ll concede the fact that the gay pool is also far smaller than the straight pool, because it just is. It also sucks that statistically we have to place everyone we meet into the straight category by default. Only when told otherwise can we even begin to feel like this is someone we could approach romantically, and even then that’s a whole ‘nother battle in and of itself. But I categorically disagree with the notion that these facts make it harder for us to find that one special person with whom we will end up. I had an AP English Composition teacher in high school give the class some rather colorful, but still excellent, advice about how to write a quality paper. She told us that she didn’t care how long our papers were as long as we made our point, adding, “I don’t want to have to search through a pile of monkey shit to find the gem.” I loved her analogy so much that I’m going to use it here to help me explain my position. Whether you believe in fate or not, your gem is out there, no matter how large or small the pile is. You’ll have to go through the pain of searching through that pile like everyone else, accumulating a lot of shit along the way. If you are a good person, you will find someone out there who completes you. If you don’t, I promise you it’s not because you’re swimming in the wrong pool. The LGBT community is just as diverse as any other no matter what its size.

Your situation will change. Your responsibilities will change. It doesn’t matter how hard you fight it, these changes are going to affect you in a tangible way.

My advice: Don’t panic over what you can’t control. Don’t panic over what isn’t even relevant right now. Don’t be bitter; just be you. After all, it’s the latter that someone is going to fall in love with.

True To Your Heart*

First, listen to this. It’s important to the rest of the post. Did you like it? Good! (If not, boo you. :P) I’m a very musical person. I express myself through music which is why my last post had a lot of music links dispersed throughout. I can more readily find a song that describes how I’m feeling better than I can describe it to you. It usually comes out something like “I feel like *grunt* *moan* *random hand gesture*. Know what I mean?”. There are times where I’m not sure how I’m feeling (Yeah, weird. I know. But my emotions are a very complex thing). So, I turn to music to give me a little insight into what’s really going on in my head. And that’s how this post came about.

I noticed that I had been listening to that song repeatedly for the past few days. I just generally hadn't been as happy as I normally am. I really wasn’t just enjoying life. I didn't notice it at the time but I was listening to the same emotional songs all the time. So, I sat myself down and had a long conversation with my inner me (You should try it. Not literally talking to yourself but some deep reflection). I went through all the usual problems: trying to fit in in this world, academics, single life, family issues, and finances. But none of those were particularly bothering me at that time. It seemed like everything was ok. So, I didn't know what the matter was. But then, I started talking to a friend of mine and he started telling me about all the numbers he got from guys at this bar. Then he started telling me about this hot guy he hooked up with and how he met a different guy the night before. I listened and laughed and whatnot, but on the inside, I was fuming. I ended up cutting the conversation short because I just couldn't take it anymore. When I realized how upset I was, I took a step back to think about why I was so angry. I realized that it wasn't anger, it was jealousy. Now, I've had my *ahem* fun nights but not to the extent that he was having and I was so insanely jealous. Why was he getting all the attention? Why can he drop a napkin and have 50 different guys fighting to be the one to pick it up for him? Why does he get to have his pick of any guy he wants to go with while I’m standing right there considering myself lucky if a guy looks at me? What can I change about myself? Am I doing something wrong?

That was it. I had a similar conversation with another friend of mine about a week before that. Since then, I had been listening to all of my emotional/ heartbreak/ depressing songs. I gave myself a metaphoric slap to the face. I couldn't believe I let myself get so upset because I’m not living the life it seems like so many other people live. I was jealous because I wasn't going home with a different guy every week. It bothered me that I didn't have a smorgasbord of men to choose from. But, I forgot something really important: that’s not me!

That’s not the life I want to live. That’s not the “me” I want to be. I don’t want to have this endless list of random names and numbers of guys that I met at a club but nothing more happens. If that’s how you are happy living your life, then great for you! Enjoy your life! But that’s not me and I had to remember that. I take pride in the fact that I don’t have many random hookups with guys. It helps me retain some sense of sex being a special thing. Don’t get me wrong, I have my moments of weakness, but sex is never the first thing on my mind when I’m going out. I want to go out with my friends and enjoy their company first. If there’s someone there that catches my eye, then we’ll see where things go.

There's nothing wrong with me. I'm perfect just the way I am. And you are, too! It's easy to get impatient when it seems like other people have a revolving door of partners coming in and out of their life, but don't lose hope. I lost that hope and myself in the process. I know that there have been a few times when I gave in to temptation and ended up spending the night with someone just to say that I did. I woke up hating myself for what I done. Not that it was bad or the guy wasn't a nice guy but it just wasn't what I'm ultimately looking for in my life. Call me a helpless romantic but I'd actually like to find someone to actually start a stable relationship with where sex isn't the focus of our interactions. Random hookups are physically satisfying but emotionally draining for me.

I’m here to tell you that it’s hard to keep focus on what you want from your life when there are so many people around you that are doing the exact opposite. At times, it will seem like everyone else is doing it so you should, too. But that’s not true at all. Stay true to your morals and your beliefs because, at the end of the day, you have to live with decisions you make. Others may tell you that you should be more like them and loosen up a bit. But don’t do anything you aren't ready for or that’s not you. You’d think this is a lesson I would've learned in elementary school, but I guess I’m a slow learner.

“Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart… just be true to who you are” because “you’re [freakin’] perfect.”**

*Bonus points to anyone that can name the song, artist, and what movie this song was in.

**I didn't post the Pink video “F**kin’ Perfect” because I felt it’s a bit too inappropriate for the blog. But I did post the video of my favorite YouTube personality discussing the song so you can hear the lyrics and hopefully get a laugh or two in.