April 20, 2011

True To Your Heart*

First, listen to this. It’s important to the rest of the post. Did you like it? Good! (If not, boo you. :P) I’m a very musical person. I express myself through music which is why my last post had a lot of music links dispersed throughout. I can more readily find a song that describes how I’m feeling better than I can describe it to you. It usually comes out something like “I feel like *grunt* *moan* *random hand gesture*. Know what I mean?”. There are times where I’m not sure how I’m feeling (Yeah, weird. I know. But my emotions are a very complex thing). So, I turn to music to give me a little insight into what’s really going on in my head. And that’s how this post came about.

I noticed that I had been listening to that song repeatedly for the past few days. I just generally hadn't been as happy as I normally am. I really wasn’t just enjoying life. I didn't notice it at the time but I was listening to the same emotional songs all the time. So, I sat myself down and had a long conversation with my inner me (You should try it. Not literally talking to yourself but some deep reflection). I went through all the usual problems: trying to fit in in this world, academics, single life, family issues, and finances. But none of those were particularly bothering me at that time. It seemed like everything was ok. So, I didn't know what the matter was. But then, I started talking to a friend of mine and he started telling me about all the numbers he got from guys at this bar. Then he started telling me about this hot guy he hooked up with and how he met a different guy the night before. I listened and laughed and whatnot, but on the inside, I was fuming. I ended up cutting the conversation short because I just couldn't take it anymore. When I realized how upset I was, I took a step back to think about why I was so angry. I realized that it wasn't anger, it was jealousy. Now, I've had my *ahem* fun nights but not to the extent that he was having and I was so insanely jealous. Why was he getting all the attention? Why can he drop a napkin and have 50 different guys fighting to be the one to pick it up for him? Why does he get to have his pick of any guy he wants to go with while I’m standing right there considering myself lucky if a guy looks at me? What can I change about myself? Am I doing something wrong?

That was it. I had a similar conversation with another friend of mine about a week before that. Since then, I had been listening to all of my emotional/ heartbreak/ depressing songs. I gave myself a metaphoric slap to the face. I couldn't believe I let myself get so upset because I’m not living the life it seems like so many other people live. I was jealous because I wasn't going home with a different guy every week. It bothered me that I didn't have a smorgasbord of men to choose from. But, I forgot something really important: that’s not me!

That’s not the life I want to live. That’s not the “me” I want to be. I don’t want to have this endless list of random names and numbers of guys that I met at a club but nothing more happens. If that’s how you are happy living your life, then great for you! Enjoy your life! But that’s not me and I had to remember that. I take pride in the fact that I don’t have many random hookups with guys. It helps me retain some sense of sex being a special thing. Don’t get me wrong, I have my moments of weakness, but sex is never the first thing on my mind when I’m going out. I want to go out with my friends and enjoy their company first. If there’s someone there that catches my eye, then we’ll see where things go.

There's nothing wrong with me. I'm perfect just the way I am. And you are, too! It's easy to get impatient when it seems like other people have a revolving door of partners coming in and out of their life, but don't lose hope. I lost that hope and myself in the process. I know that there have been a few times when I gave in to temptation and ended up spending the night with someone just to say that I did. I woke up hating myself for what I done. Not that it was bad or the guy wasn't a nice guy but it just wasn't what I'm ultimately looking for in my life. Call me a helpless romantic but I'd actually like to find someone to actually start a stable relationship with where sex isn't the focus of our interactions. Random hookups are physically satisfying but emotionally draining for me.

I’m here to tell you that it’s hard to keep focus on what you want from your life when there are so many people around you that are doing the exact opposite. At times, it will seem like everyone else is doing it so you should, too. But that’s not true at all. Stay true to your morals and your beliefs because, at the end of the day, you have to live with decisions you make. Others may tell you that you should be more like them and loosen up a bit. But don’t do anything you aren't ready for or that’s not you. You’d think this is a lesson I would've learned in elementary school, but I guess I’m a slow learner.

“Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart… just be true to who you are” because “you’re [freakin’] perfect.”**

*Bonus points to anyone that can name the song, artist, and what movie this song was in.

**I didn't post the Pink video “F**kin’ Perfect” because I felt it’s a bit too inappropriate for the blog. But I did post the video of my favorite YouTube personality discussing the song so you can hear the lyrics and hopefully get a laugh or two in.

4 comments:

  1. Oh my goshhhhhh AJ, you're not a hopeless romantic at all-you're amazing and so brave for posting this! Rock on! =)

    I know we had so many conversations this past summer about this topic, but I think you know we're on the same page-this is great, you're even better, and I'm so glad to call you a friend.

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  2. I've been reading this blog for a while now, but have never commented on anything. This post was too good to not say something--great job!! Next time I'm having a bad day for now reason, I will definitely be pulling this post up.

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  3. AJ this really speaks to me!

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  4. I loooove this song. I just. Yes.

    Also, totally strikes a chord with me too. I'm right there with you on the whole friends bragging about their nights as I just want a warm body to sleep next to. Love that besides addressing that, you talked about how you love that, while it may leave you lonely sometimes, you don't want to alter yourself because you're jealous of action or attention that someone else is getting. *snaps*

    Also, lessons learned in Elementary School are the ones that always will take the longest to sink through.

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