Thoughts Of A Graduating Senior

So, it's come to this: my final blog post as an undergraduate at Duke University. It feels like just yesterday that I was taking that first step and nervously writing my first blog post. It was my sophomore year and even though I was out to all of my friends, I had never spent much time in the Center or even fully accepted myself as a gay man. I knew I was gay and had hooked up with guys before, but I had not told myself that it was ok. It was still something I was ashamed of and something I tried to downplay as much as I could.

Thankfully, I had an awesome roommate and brother who wouldn't let me do that to myself. He told me that I had to accept myself before I could be truly happy. Accepting myself meant more than just saying I'm gay and hooking up with the occasional guy. It meant not being afraid to talk about my sexuality with other people. It meant not lying to people when they asked where I was between 4-6pm on Friday.

And so, I turned to the blog. And now, here I am. A senior. Getting ready to leave Duke and all of the amazing people I have grown to know and love behind. Leaving the people that were once strangers but are now family.

Over my years here at Duke, I've learned a lot and so I hope to relay some of my nuggets of insight to you younger whipper snappers:


1) Get uncomfortable: Do something that makes you feel a little out of place, something you've been hesitant about doing. The only way I became involved with The Center was by stepping out of my comfort zone.


2) Be the lion: Just a creative way of saying be courageous. This goes hand-in-hand with my first piece of advice. It takes courage to break down that comfort wall, but without it, I wouldn't be writing for this blog, I wouldn't have my awesome fraternity brothers, I wouldn't be in my amazing a cappella group. Be brave and know that everything will be ok.

3) Don't close yourself off: I've seen it happen way too many times. Everyone has their group of close friends and there is nothing wrong with that, but don't ignore anyone not in your friend circle. Reach out to that new person sitting in the corner. Strike up a conversation with the person alone in the computer room. You never know. They might end up joining your friend circle. If not, you never know how your conversation might have helped them.

4) Don't judge: You don't have a gavel. You don't have the cool robe. You don't wear one of those ridiculous white wigs. That means that you have no right to make decisive judgments about someone else's life. Remember that. We are all different. We come from different backgrounds and have different experiences. We have varying views on life. And that's what makes us all special. This also includes actions.

5) Express yourself: In every way possible, express yourself in any way you see fit. I mean more than being artsy or wearing a neon pink shirt with fluorescent orange shoes. I mean your beliefs, too. Engage in conversations with people that have different views than you. Don't be afraid to go against the "norm" of what other people are saying. It's through these intellectual discussions about life that you become closer to people.


Above all else, love everyone. It is only through this mutual compassion that we can move forward and achieve progress. It's the only way we can grow as a community and as a people. Love = Love. I love you all and am going to miss each of you dearly. I can't thank you enough for the love and support I have received from everyone who reads and comments on this blog. You've helped me through quite a few rough times. I only hope that in the midst of all my rambling and identity crises, that I was somehow able to help you.


-
AJ Biggers
Trinity 2012

Throwback Thursdays: Thoughts of a Senior

[Editor's Note: Hey Readers! Welcome to the fourth installation of "Throwback Thursdays." Every first Thursday of the month we'll feature a post from the BDU Blog, Version 1.0. This post marks our first in a series of Senior Posts. 2012ers, please email. in your submissions! They can be a reflection on your four years, a specific experience, your future plans, whatever! We will accept anonymous submissions.]

December 30, 2008

But I simply can't imagine more gay students going through what I have already, and I would hope that you all can't either.

London is, without a doubt, one of the best cities I have had the pleasure of visiting. And despite having firm loyalties to New York, I'd have to admit that my experiences in the UK were far better than those I've had in NYC. Of course, it helped that Obama won the elections, so much so that his victory eventually became a part of my pick-up lines: "So...you know I voted for Obama, don't you? Oh yeah...he's my brotha' from anotha' motha'..." - kissing and over the clothes fondling quickly ensuing, of course.

But jokes aside, my time in London has led to considerable self-reflection, particularly as regards my final semester at Duke, a semester which I'd prefer to skip all together. That's right: I count myself amongst those 'angry' gays who hold a deep-seated resentment towards the university. I'll make no mention of the conservative roommate I had freshmen year ('Parking for Republicans Only, All Others Will Be Bush Whacked' read one memorable poster), nor of the homophobic comments my gay roommate and I received on our door sophomore year - these things are neither here nor there.

Rather, it'd be far more impressionable to relate how I view the Duke gay community as it exists today. That is, a gay student body too afraid to make itself visible on a campus that very clearly needs to learn the true meaning of both 'acceptance' and 'tolerance.' There have been posts suggesting that two men seen kissing or holding hands on our campus would garner no negative attention, for example, a suggestion which I find entirely laughable. If my wearing a collared shirt with too many buttons undone garners stares and titters, how the hell would people react to my displaying my affection for another man? And let me assure you, what I say is based in truth for, as one friend told me, "My boyfriend and I [seen holding hands in the Bryan Center] got so many dirty looks and laughs that we eventually had to leave."

This, it shouldn't surprise you, occurred only a year ago. And yet you all would feign ignorance, insisting that only the "flamers" have such negative experiences, and rightfully so, considering they flaunt their homosexuality. My response: WAKE THE FU** UP! Realize that where one gay man is harassed, we're all harassed; where one couple is made to feel uncomfortable, we're all made to feel uncomfortable. Realize that an 'effeminate' gay man has just as much right to happiness as those gay men and women who are capable of 'passing' as heterosexuals. Arguing that the LGBT should somehow 'be seen and not heard' is simply internalized homophobia, for it implies that we are inherently wrong in demanding the very same freedoms (to love) as our heterosexual equals.

If, at this moment, I were asked to evaluate our (small) community on its visibility, I'd be forced to give it a 4/10 (a score which would be even lower if not for the success of the Love=Love T-shirts). This is for two reasons: 1) we lack genuine unity, with straight-acting gay men feeling somehow superior to the more effeminate gay men for having the capacity to blend in, and 2) our contentment in being all-together silent on campus. As regards the latter: we, like the vast majority of Duke students (besides those in SHARE, perhaps), are afraid to operate outside of the norm. This includes how we dress, how we speak, and, most importantly, our sexuality.

But within this weakness, I think, is our greatest strength. That is, we can do something which very many Duke students can't bring themselves to do: we can be ourselves. Simple, isn't it? But it's something which we DON'T do when we refuse to, say, hold the hand of a boyfriend or girlfriend; refuse to wear something because it's simply 'too gay;' or degrade openly gay students for being such 'flamers.' It's something which I, too, have failed to do in my time at Duke, and which I hope to change upon returning. If that means wearing those skinny jeans hidden away in the back of my closet, then so be it - gay men and women have done far more than restrict their breathing in securing acceptance...

I doubt that things will change in a semester and, honestly, I shouldn't care considering I'll be escaping to the oh-so-gay-friendly Northeast. But I simply can't imagine more gay students going through what I have already, and I would hope that you all can't either. And so, I'll end where I started, with Obama; who promised us not just hope, but CHANGE. Let us do that for our own campus, then - with a little over the clothes fondling thrown in for the hell of it.

An Unsent Poem

[Editor’s Note: Congratulations to the Class of 2011! The BDU Blog has invited all Duke 2011 graduates to write and share Senior Posts, which we will publish over the course of the summer. If you are interested in writing a Senior Post, please email me, Risa. Also hit me up if you want some ideas about what to write. There is no minimum or maximum length and no LGBTQA related topic is off limit. We will accept and publish anonymous submissions.]

An Unsent Poem
By Anonymous 2011 Graduate

In your eyes, I could see our future
it was the one I planned, it was the one I worked for.
I waited a month with you in mind.
I ran and lifted thinking about us in bed.
We were supposed to be perfect,
topped off with a white picket fence.

But here I sit, waiting for the train home,
alone and sad,
heartbroken and wanting to cry.
This wasn’t your fault – you only partially led me on –
I’m not apologizing for you but rather,
I recognize that how I feel lies mostly with me.

My friends told me not to project the future,
not to impart my feelings, wishes, and dreams onto us.
But how could I not?
You wanted me at the beach club and we can back together to my room.
It was the first time someone did that –
to express interest and follow through.

That night was unforgettable:
We were naked and it felt like the most natural thing in the world.
We felt each other’s body and mind –
who talks about schools and voting in bed?
We did and it was amazing.

I was nervous as hell because it could have been my first time.
Yet you were there and made me feel so wanted.
I would have given myself to you.

I’m not sure if we can just be friends now.
There’s too much baggage, too much emotional damage on my side.
I can’t be next to you without looking into your eyes
and thinking about what could have been.

I’ve been in this place before.
In fact, I usually become best friends with my crushes.
I’m counting three right now.
But I don’t know if this will end the same,
that white picket fence is too high.

I thought lunch today would settle everything,
that it would end with either a yes or a no,
but again reality didn’t square with my expectations.
I shared my feelings and got crushed.
Yet you sat there with suave and grace,
Trying to pick up the pieces of me.
You shared your past – the struggles and the burns –
Like a wise sage imparting advice onto a child:
“Try online dating and get a group of friends here” – find yourself.
Hearing you talk, I was in awe and appreciation.
You’re a great guy who I now want more,
but now I realize there is a maturity gap between us.

You’re looking to lay roots –
to develop friends and networks that will carry you through your Ph.D.
Your dates are to find what is out here in this new land.
But me – I’m not sure what I want to do.

Because there are two me’s right now:
One is the heartbroken me who is listening to Adele on his dying iPod
and hearing her words like never before.
He wanted a relationship –
something serious to connect and explore another person,
to be safe and to have a future.
The other is the one that you saw on Saturday night,
the one who bought $100 of alcohol and proceeded to take shots like Party Boy Chad.
He was the one who went to the clubs drunk,
was shirtless half the time,
and somehow ended up grinding with some guy hoisting him in the air.
He was so focused on having fun,
so focused that he didn’t even notice all the looks he was getting
because he spent the last 22 years studying on Saturday nights,
and because he wanted to show you how much fun he could be.

I’m not sure which one is the real me
because that second one has not been me.
But I’m young and I want to have fun,
and I want the attention.
I realize that I sound like a spoiled brat –
but don’t I deserve, haven’t I earned, a chance
to move to the beats and get crazy?
I’ll still wait for that first time to be special
and I’ll still pull 70 hours a week in the office,
but I want my weekend nights to be wild.

Yet I don’t want the sadness and pain of loneliness.
We’re not right for each other now – this I realize after writing.
I do need to find myself first.
One day I’ll text you to be friends or something more.
and on that day, there won’t be two of me.
I don’t expect you to wait –
the only expectation I know to be true is that my friends and I will always be there for each other –
so take care of yourself so that we can brunch one day in the city
without it ending in a sad poem.

The City of Gigs

[Editor’s Note: Congratulations to the Class of 2011! The BDU Blog has invited all Duke 2011 graduates to write and share Senior Posts, which we will publish over the course of the summer. If you are interested in writing a Senior Post, please email me, Risa. Also hit me up if you want some ideas about what to write. There is no minimum or maximum length and no LGBTQA related topic is off limit. We will accept and publish anonymous submissions. Without further ado, our very first Senior Post!]

The City of Gigs
By Anonymous 2011 Graduate

It’s the first time in two years that I have been back home, which I have named “The City of Gigs.” Things have changed from the last time I visited. While I was walking on the street or shopping around in the mall, every five minute I would see gay female and gay male couples holding hands and expressing their affections. Sometimes I looked at them and could not stop smiling. I also looked at people who were walking pass those couples and infrequently noticed people looking down looking surprised. Bangkok has changed, but that is not the reason I call it the city of ‘Gigs’.

The first time I think I became someone’s Gig was during the summer before last, which was when I last visited Bangkok. At that time I was not out to anyone in Thailand and wanted to keep things secret, but I had somewhat craved for sexual satisfaction and wanted to explore things discreetly. One day, before going to do my part-time job as a tutor, I went to the gym to work out some. That day the gym was pretty empty. After finishing the workout, I went into the sauna room and found my opportunity. There was a handsome muscular guy. I sat on a hot wooden bench and started giving him an I-want-you-look. Suddenly, he stood up and left the room. Without thinking, I followed him and said “come with me.”

We were in the bathroom for some time, but that didn’t make me become his Gig. Realizing that people might catch us doing inappropriate stuff in public, we departed. I put my clothes on and walked out of the gym. (Un)fortunately, I met him again in front of the gym and we started introducing ourselves and shared phone numbers. On that same day, he texted me and wanted to meet up. We met at the coffee shop. He was a completely different person. He wore a nicely-designed outfit and shoes and he drove a brand-new sport car. As superficial as I was (am), I thought it would be nice to date this guy. We went back to his condo and had an intimate moment. After that we hung out more and had a nice dinner date. After dinner, one question came into my mind. ‘Are you single?’ I asked him. ‘No, I am not. I have a boyfriend. We have been together for seven years and he is in NYC …’ He replied to me, which started a long discussion about his boyfriend. He ended the conversation and asked me ‘What are you up to tomorrow?’ I replied ‘I don’t know,’ asking myself what I would become—his Gig?

Anyway, I spent my three months in Thailand hanging out with him as his Gig. I didn’t feel guilty, but special at that time. I don’t know whether I ever developed romantic feelings for him, regardless of our sexual activities. For me, I felt more like a friend and/or a brother—but a special one. He did express his love to me and did cry when I left Thailand. The first month after I came back to Duke for my third year of undergraduate study, I met the guy of my dreams. He is a handsome guy with a great heart. I fell in love. I completely forgot all of the things around me and those that had happened between me and the guy at home. When the guy of my dreams and I became boyfriends, I easily and happily shared the story with my Gig. He was mature about it. He was happy that I had someone nice and suddenly we became ex-Gigs. I have been in a quite-long-term relationship that was shared by two people, not three, and I really appreciated it. However, the relationship did end and one of the people who always supported me is this ex-Gig of mine. The story doesn’t end here because I haven’t answered why I named this essay “The City of Gigs.”

After getting an undergrad degree from Duke, I quickly headed back to Thailand—learning to look at the term, Gig, in multiple dimensions. Unsurprisingly, my ex-Gig and I met up. We started talking about his ex-Gig and Gigs he has had during the past two years. He introduced me to his current Gig who seemingly wants me to also be his Gig. One day, after my friends’ wedding party, I had too much fun and woke up in the white neat room with my ex-Gig hugging me. I got up and walked to the bathroom, seeing my ex-Gig’s current Gig playing with his dog. I said hi and went into the shower room. After taking a shower, I walked out and met a stranger who I found out to be one of the two boyfriends of my ex-Gig’s current Gig. They all live in the same place. They all share their lives with one another. After being around them for a while, I do respect this life style— if all people in the Gig community are happy and love one another; however, I am sure that I don’t want to be a part of it.

What do you think? Would you like to be part of this Gig community? How amazing would it be if we could have different Gigs who would fulfill different parts of us?

I’m now sitting on the 48th floor in a nice condo of one of my friends, looking at the city of Gigs and its beautiful river. I have been hanging out with this British guy for three days. He is nice and single. But who knows, I might be becoming one of his Gigs or he might have a Gig who is a Gig of my ex-Gig’s current Gig.