In which I have some suggestions

Recently I've been getting a lot of unsolicited advice about my medical decisions, and it's reminding me of my experiences a couple years ago when I first considered becoming a little more butch, and my friends were deeply unhelpful. So I thought I'd put together a little guide to what I consider okay and not okay to say to a friend who is going through a life change.

It's okay to ask my how my transition is going! That's probably the way you should phrase it. This is a big part of my life, and one I don't have a lot of opportunities to talk about in detail - if you're genuinely curious, I'll probably appreciate the chance to talk about it.

It's not okay to give me advice on my transition, unless I've directly asked for it. Even if we're already talking about transitioning in general, it's just weird for you to start giving me medical advice. And if your advice is "wait until you're sure," it's not just weird, it's rude and hurtful. It's not like I'm going to drop by the mastectomy store and get my tits lopped off on a whim, like somebody getting a misspelled Chinese tattoo after a night out drinking. "Wait until you're sure" almost always means "wait until I am okay with it," which in turn pretty much means "wait forever." And that's not okay.

Along the same lines, don't suggest alternatives to transitioning. This one really baffles me - you're really not very likely to be suggesting something new. Or, if you do find something I haven't tried before, there's probably a reason I haven't considered it. For example, a well meaning friend suggested yoga to me, as an alternative to top surgery. It's true, I haven't tried yoga! And maybe I could learn to transcend my body. But, it's not like it will make my tits invisible - I'd have to keep binding, or people would still be calling me ma'am. "Try herbal tea before you try testosterone" is just another way to say "wait until I am okay with it," only it involves even less respect for my intelligence.

But, it's okay to ask me to answer your questions. Note the phrasing: please don't just start the conversation with "how do trans people have sex?" - start by asking me if I'll answer questions, and understand that I may not always be in the mood to do so. Also please make sure that your questions are actually questions - "Why not try hypnotism?" is just advice with a question mark on it. But in general, I want to help people understand. As long as you're making an effort, I'm not going to be offended that you don't know something, and I'd much rather have the chance to tell you than leave you in the dark.

It's not okay to mess up my pronouns. Yeah, when I correct you I'll probably tell you that it's okay, that I know it takes time to get used to it -- but what I really mean is that it's not okay, but I've forgiven you anyway. If you're having a really hard time, practice. I'm an understanding sort of person, but it hurts when you make a mistake, every single time. And I'm getting tired of pretending that it doesn't.

And finally, the most widely-applicable piece of advice: if I know I want to do something awesome, but I tell you I'm nervous about it, back me up. If I hadn't had so many people tell me not to cut my hair, I probably would've gotten a buzz cut at 15 and never looked back. Instead, I spent years going from waist-length, to shoulder-length, to chin-length, to a little bob, to a pixie cut - and at each stage, everybody I asked said I shouldn't do it. In retrospect, I'm a little disappointed in the sheer number of people who should have known better who reinforced mainstream expectations of femininity. People who never wore heels, or skirts, or jewelry, or makeup, or contacts, etc. nonetheless told me that I should keep wearing these things, even when I confessed that I hated them, because they made me so pretty. "Conforms to societal expectations" is not always the most important requirement for your friends' personal choices. Come on, be more awesome than that! Do things just because they're fantastic, and encourage your friends to do the same.

Anyway, because I'm in a little bit of a "trans 101" mood with this post, now is a great time to ask questions! You can argue with me, I guess, or ask anything that's been on your mind regarding trans issues. I'm pretty much never going to be offended by a question that's asked out of genuine curiosity, so don't be shy!

And you thought being gay was hard?

In 1998 a woman named Rita Hester was murdered because she was transgender. Her murder kicked off a memorial project that would eventually become the Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDOR), which occurs November 20th of each year.

Part of the TDOR project was the creation of a website dedicated to memorializing individuals who were murdered because they identified as (or were perceived as) transgender or intersex. I recently looked through some of the profiles of the deceased, and I was horrified. From an infant forced to eat glass because it had ambiguous genitalia to an FTM individual who was found in a barrel of hydrochloric acid with electrical cords around his neck, this is the stuff of nightmares.

I'll admit it- I used to feel uncomfortable about the idea of transgendered individuals. It wasn't until recently that I understood and came to sympathize with their struggle. Not only do they enjoy fewer rights than the rest of the LGBTIQ conglomerate, but they also suffer greater prejudice. Even the LGBTIQ community occasionally plays down the "TI." Transfolk have it rough.

LGBTIQ individuals often tell heterosexuals not to take their sexuality for granted. But how often do we take our gender for granted? What if your body was a prison you felt trapped within?

18 years old and I've only ever met one (openly) transgender individual. If you're reading this post and identify as transgender, contact me. I want to become a better ally. Help me out.

Glad for GLAD

I have a serious academic interest in sport and in this column I’ll be highlighting current events, sharing resources, reflecting on complex issues and sharing athlete’s stories among other things. For more about me, you can read my first post, here. Please feel free to email me with thoughts or if you come across something you’d like me to include on the blog.

When I started blogging I mentioned that I would be covering interesting stories and sharing resources. I haven’t done very much of the former yet, but I’d like to take this post to promote a survey sponsored by the Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders (GLAD).

An organization that fights legal battles against discriminations based on orientation, HIV status and gender identity and expression, last year GLAD launched an effort against homophobia and transphobia in sport. On October 2, 2009, GLAD issued the following statement about their recent undertaking: “To determine how we can best address homophobia and transphobia in sports, GLAD is researching the ways in which anti-gay and anti-transgender attitudes affect LGBT athletes and coaches.”

To do this, they’re collecting the stories and experiences of anybody currently or formerly associated with any sport at any level—rec, high school, college, pro, athlete, coach, family member or friend of an athlete. The hope is that these stories will illuminate the obstacles keeping LGBTQ-identified individuals from participating, having success or gaining positive experiences in sport. Of course, they’re also optimistic about the current climate on teams and ask for stories of positive experiences as well.

Though there are already several [read: too many] well documented cases of homophobia in sport violating the rights of individuals (such cases will be highlighted in future blogs), I believe that this is the right first step for GLAD to take. For every case which is fought in the courtroom (or settled out of it), far too many instances of homophobia and transphobia in sport are never brought to light. When the environment is toxic, most people (especially children and teens) will just stop playing the sport, rather than take action. And, seriously, who can blame them?

This survey will help to identify common themes among our experiences. How do homophobia and transphobia manifest themselves? What’s it look like in the locker room? During practice? During formal competition? During travel? Is it coming from the coach? The parents? The players/teammates? How are LGBTQ-identified coaches or administrators in sport affected differently than the athletes themselves? Is it in negative recruiting practices? Is it jokes or gossip from their athletes or colleagues? How does the environment change at each level (rec vs. high school vs. college, varsity vs. club vs intramural)?

I’ve been involved with sports for a long time and in a lot of different ways. As such, I’ve played for LGBTQ-identified and straight coaches and I’ve had LGBTQ-identified and straight teammates. I’ve witnessed really positive scenarios and not so positive incidents. In writing his personal story of being a gay athlete, Jamal Brown “look[s] forward to a day when the challenges LGBT athletes face come from competition, and not from teammates.” And so do I.

I would encourage every reader of this blog to take the time to fill out the survey and share your stories. Furthermore, I invite you to share your story (anonymously or not) in the comments section below. Share with GLAD and with us what your experiences have been, so we can all be aware and so that together we can team up to make athletic spaces safe, inclusive and embracing of everyone.

[Author’s note: Thanks for allowing me to vary the content of my columns. I often find myself having thoughts that I want to write about for the blog. Though several of my most recent posts have not been sports centered, LGBT Issues in Sport continue to be in the front of my mind as I go through every day. I’m excited to devote my next few entries solely to these topics.]