Anonymous Posts (4.4.11-4.10.11)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks, hate speech, or express or insinuate that one is at risk for hurting themselves or someone else. Please read this for an explanation of this policy and seek help if your or a friend find yourself in that position. With those exceptions aside, please feel free to submit your thoughts and questions. :)

I read this list of the top 15 out celebrities and was so excited to see that there were (basically) equal numbers of men and women. And then it came up that there were no people of color...which is just like, REALLY!? smh.

OMG DID YOU SEE LARAMIE THIS WEEKEND!?! This weekend was opening weekend for The Laramie Project. I went Saturday night and was so incredibly moved by the performance. For those of you who don't know, The Laramie Project sheds light on all different aspects of Matthew Shepard's murder. This coming weekend is the last chance to catch the show. Performances are Thursday the 14th, Friday the 15th, and Saturday the 16th, all at 7:30PM, and Sunday the 17th at 2:00PM. Student tickets are $5 and can be bought at the door. Help them sell out their final shows!!

ALSO, this Friday is the 15th Annual Day of Silence. Sponsored by the Gay, Lesbian, Straight Education Network (GLSEN) DoS calls attention to the bullying and harassment of LGBTQ youth, whose voices are silenced everyday in our schools. [Fun Blue Devil Fact: Did you know that Duke alumna Madelaine Adelman is on the national board for GLSEN?] You can participate by pledging to be silent for all or part of the day and by wearing red. Be sure to have a card with an explanation prepared so that when someone asks you about it, you can explain without talking (tricky, tricky)! Blue Devils United will be tabling throughout the week and continuing our ever-famous poster campaign. Get your picture taken after Wednesday's BDU meeting (6pm, LGBT Center) and tell us what you're silent for!! This year, I'm silent for my Uncle Malcolm. Check back later this week for his story--a story my family is all too silent about.

Update: The last Blue Devils United meeting of the year is this Wednesday at 6pm in the LGBT Center. [We'll have a blog specific meeting sometime in the near future, so be on the look out.]

Lots of anonymous posts this week, yo! Good work!

#1
I'm thinking about how awesome fantasy books are! Especially for bookish chicks like me who somehow never noticed their feelings until they were suddenly in college...anyway, I wanted to give a shout out to authors like Megan Whalen Turner, Robin McKinley, and the sadly deceased Diana Wynne Jones. My inner life would have been so lonely without being able to read the strong, interesting, fleshed out, attractive and most importantly COURAGEOUS women characters. Those books and authors (like Spindle's End, The Queen of Attolia, Sunshine, Rose Daughter, Deep Secret, and Hexwood.) The girls aren't necessarily gay (although with some of them you can kind of read between the lines) but it's cool to have a fictional person you can fall in love with and get practice that way. It's a little bit of practice before the real thing. Anyway, that's what i wanted to say. =)

#2
This blog gives such a false impression of what the community is like. Criticism is also a way of bettering the community, you know - maybe you shouldn't automatically silence these voices.

#3
So I came to DUke almost 100 percent sure that I was a lesbian. Later in changed to asexual and now I'll be ending my freshman year having absolutely no idea. This isn't how I envisioned my first year of college. I thought I'd have things figured out and a gf or bf by now. Is this the next 3 years of my life here or will things change?

#4
First off, I don't go to Duke, but that doesn't make reading this blog any less great. I'm in the closet (very in the closet), and I don't have any intention of coming out in the near future. There are a lot of things hard to reconcile in this type of situation. I don't think I'll come out until I have a boyfriend, "I'm gay... this is my boyfriend." Otherwise, there is just a constant pressure to change lifestyles and other than being in the closet nothing about how I act or what I do will change when I come out. It is almost impossible to meet guys while in the closet except for over the internet, but I hate that. "This is my boyfriend... we met on craigslist." So if I don't want to come out until I'm with some one, and I can't find anyone while in the closet except on the internet, and I don't like entertaining the idea of having a significant relationship with someone I met over the internet, what am I to do? I play the waiting game.

#5
I'm finally in my first relationship with a man that I love, but I can't rid myself of a lingering crush. Whenever I see him I get confused again. Does this mean I shouldn't be with the guy I'm dating? Is it okay to have other crushes?

#6
I wanted to say check out the It Gets Better Video made by the American Institute of Bisexuality and posted at the link below by the Bisexual Resource Center. http://biresource.net/

Please remember that there are a number of resources available on campus and in the local community. If you or a friend are experiencing thoughts or urges to harm yourself or somebody else, please reach out to the following resources: In an emergency, please don't hesitate to call CAPS at any time, including "after hours" at (919) 966-3820. Ask to speak to the advice nurse and tell them you are a Duke student. You may also call the Trevor Project, a national hotline specifically for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer and questioning youth (college students included). Their number is 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386). Don't be surprised if you see these resources listed in following weeks.

A BDU Exclusive | Leaked Thoughts From a Sailor: Repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell

[Ed. Note: I know we tend to limit posts to people within the Duke community, but I thought that our Community was so invested in the fight to repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell that the perspective of an active Navy Sailor might be really interesting and pertinent. Below are a few thoughts that a friend of mine put together first after DADT's repeal and then again after beginning training to teach service members how to accept LGB people. He actually wrote to me personally after reading the blog for a while (unbeknownst to me!). It was only then that I asked him if I could share what he'd written. He works with an out sailor in a very small team (which as you probably know was a focus of anti-repealers..."What if you're in a small team and someone is gay!? You couldn't work under those conditions!"). Please note that even though my friend is straight, he has to write anonymously because he is not permitted to discuss his views on the policy or his experiences.] (Photo credit: Jeff Sheng; "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Project")

“Today we recall that unity, not uniformity, is our goal, that we need not fear differences among those united to defend our nation's freedoms and its dreams. Today we honor ALL brave men and women, including those who served so long without the honor they deserved. O Lord our God, and God of generations past, help us move forward, toward a nation a little more united, more indivisible, a union a bit more perfect, founded on a great deal more respect.” -Rabbi Arnold Resnicoff, Captain, U.S. Navy (ret.)

I am a straight Sailor in the U.S. Navy, stationed at a seagoing command. I work on a ship of 4,000 people in a department of over 300 people, but in a workcenter of only 5. In our small, yet efficient workcenter, is an openly gay Sailor. He came out to most of the department on his own about two and a half years ago, much to everyone's surprise, honestly. In those two and a half years, there has not been a single incident of hazing or blatant homophobia, and he has not been withheld from gaining responsibility or advancing in paygrade.

We just came back from deployment to the news that Don't Ask, Don't Tell has been repealed. The concept was brought up in our workcenter in an informal matter to a group of about ten to twelve people about six months ago. The most compelling comment came when one of the other straight Sailors quipped that the only people making a big deal about it are those who don't wear the uniform. And it's true. I am not necessarily in a position of combat, but I, like pretty much all of my shipmates, know that I don't care if the person working next to me is male or female, straight or gay, Christian, Jewish, or Muslim--all I care is that they work hard and do their job with superior effort. And I don't see how someone's sexual orientation affects that.

The core values of the Navy are Honor, Courage, and Commitment. The program in which I specifically work demands integrity to the extreme. I don't see how you can tell a Sailor that he must exemplify integrity, yet he must hide who he is from everyone else. I'm glad that enough of Congress has finally opened their eyes to this hypocrisy, and I know that they will not regret their decision.
---
Those words were my first reaction to the abolition of the “closeting policy”. In the months after the new policy was announced, we were told that it would not go into place until we were all properly trained on it. Trained? What, people are aliens or lepers because they are attracted to the same sex?

The training itself incensed me even more. Not a lot of people know too much or understand the extent of the new policy. It sounds like all the problems are solved--not so fast. Sure, anyone is allowed to serve openly in the military. But as far as benefits go? Fat chance. If you have a same-sex partner, he or she is just plain ignored. Your partner is not eligible to receive the same health benefits that straight spouses receive, nor are you able to receive a housing allowance for married couples. That’s only the beginning--every benefit that a married man and woman could receive are off-limits for gay couples, even if you are legally married. The legislative and executive branch are patting their own backs over this idea that everything is fixed now. Whether they realize it or not, they are not done.

The Defense of Marriage Act is the next hurdle. DOMA narrows the definition of marriage to a legal bond between a man and a woman only. Not only do our representatives believe they can regulate the most fundamental aspects of life, but they think they can outdo Merriam-Webster? Fortunately, there is a current movement to overturn this reprehensible law as well, though we as the people they represent need to put more pressure on the legislators to progress. Otherwise, what’s the point in letting people serve openly when the policy of legal discrimination still stands?

D.
Electronics Technician (Nuclear) First Class
United States Navy

Butterfly In A Hurricane

So, my last posts have been more along the let’s-talk-about-uncomfortable-issues line of topics. But, for this one, I wanted to bring it back to a more personal level. The only problem with that is that I don’t know where to begin. I’ve got so many thoughts and emotions swirling around, zipping back and forth between my head and my heart, dancing in my chest and on my sleeves that I can’t really describe any of it. I guess I’ll just start...

I feel alone. I feel like I’m lost in the world again, similar to the way I felt throughout high school and early college. I believe Katy Perry was talking to me when she asked if I ever felt like a plastic bag drifting in the wind. Back in high school, I wasn't like everybody else (even beyond being gay). Somehow, everyone just became absolute best friends and we’re hanging out with each other all the time. They always made plans for the summer and birthdays. I, who was right there at the table while they were making these plans, was never invited. For fear of not having anyone else to sit with, I stuck with that group of “friends” for the rest of school. But, as soon as graduation came, it was goodbye and good luck. I wasn't really living those 4 years. I was floating through life just waiting for life to settle me in some place I could grow.

Well, it landed me here at Duke. As much as I could, I rooted myself to the ground and began the photosynthesis process of taking in all Duke has to offer and turning it into energy to grow into the mighty oak my mother says I am inside. It worked for a while. I began to find my way around life and began to develop into my full potential, but somewhere along the way, a storm came through and uprooted my not-too-deep roots. Once again, I was caught up in the whirlwind of life being tossed to and fro, torn inside out, thrown into the haze of confusion and despair, and flung into the darkness of depression. I lost sense of who I was and who I wanted to be. I didn’t know me. I didn’t know anything except that I wasn’t in Kansas anymore. The friends I once felt so close to moved on and we followed different paths, never destined to cross again. Others that I once walked side-by-side with now had paths that took them just out of arm’s reach, leaving me ever grasping for that closeness once again.

Every once in a while, the storm will die down just long enough for me to catch my breath and gather what little identity, security, peace, joy, happiness I could find. But as soon as I had a shred of each in my hand, the storm would pick up once again, ripping me from my little bastion of safety. I’m in that hurricane once again. I don’t know where I belong. Do I belong with the gays, the greeks, or the blacks? I don’t know where I’m going. Do I go to Fab Friday, Shooters, or a probate? I’m just trying to survive this thing called life. I’m trying to navigate these highways that everybody else seems to be speeding by on while I’m driving in the right lane going 5 mph under the speed limit.

I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. And I think people know that. They can sense how uncomfortable I am in these spaces where I don’t feel completely comfortable/ accepted/ welcome. That’s what this whole thing boils down to. I’m not totally comfortable anywhere anymore. It’s like I missed the memo about what to wear or when there was an open invitation and I showed up wearing the wrong color or on the wrong day.

I feel like it’s too late now. I mean, I’m a junior. At this point, I feel like everybody’s got everything figured out or, at least, some sense of something. They either know where they belong/ who they belong with/ or are totally happy being alone. I’m not either one of those and, with groups already stabilized, I don’t feel like I can/ want to use the energy trying to break into one. I’m stuck in this limbo where I just don’t know what to do. Nothing seems constant in my life. Everything and everyone is always changing and I don’t know how to manage it all. People come and go. The only thing constant is change.

Runaway Love

[This is probably far more personally soothing than it is helpful to anyone else…#selfishpost…Forgive me]

My biggest fear about coming out to my family is rejection. I’m afraid that my sexuality will cause a dent in my mother and grandparents’ proclamation of unconditional love towards me. Lately, I’ve been reevaluating this apprehension in an attempt to find some glimmer of hope that I’ve missed over the last 10 years or so. Unfortunately, the only thing that comes to mind is my Aunt Donna. My Aunt Donna is my mother’s older and only sister. Apparently she was a wonderful artist and she had beautiful copper skin with auburn colored hair. I’ve never met my aunt because she either disappeared or committed suicide (no body was ever found at the location of her car accident).

When I was 8, I finally found the courage to ask my mom why I never met my aunt. I guess for my age, she thought it appropriate to just leave it at, “My sister disappeared because she didn’t think Grandma and Grandpa loved her.” Back then I used to carry a picture of my aunt around in my backpack hoping I would randomly bump into her on the street and could use the photo as proof that we were related. I really wanted to know her. I can recall sneaking up to my grandparents’ attic to play with her old clothes, jewelry, and art tools. I vividly remember saying nightly prayers with my mom and asking God if I could meet her. In my youth I didn’t understand why this would make my mama cry.

Finally, when I was around 14 my mom filled me in on all the details that 8-year-old-me probably couldn’t understand. My mom suspected that my aunt disappeared or committed suicide because she was gay and my grandparents didn’t approve. That information didn’t sting me, nor did it cause me as much discomfort and sickness, than as it does now. I don’t know whether it has to do with the fact that I’ll be leaving Duke’s bubble soon and I’ve never been “out” in the real world thus I’m nervous, or what. What I do know is that as of recently, when I’m going to bed, I see that picture I used to carry around of her everywhere I went. What I do know is that I’ve been crying myself to sleep for my aunt and for myself for weeks now. What I do know is that I feel crazy for missing a woman I’ve never even met but feel so extremely connected to. What I do know…is that I’m back to that 8-year-old child who is praying to just meet her aunt.

Perhaps I feel so connected to my aunt because I understand the feeling of just wanting to disappear instead of facing the “what-ifs” and repercussions of telling my mother and grandparents that I’m bisexual. When I’m crying myself to sleep, I feel as though I’m crying for her too because I believe that I can perfectly understand the fear she must have felt. I’m scared of following in her footsteps; living a life separated from my family because of my sexuality. However, I’m even more terrified of losing their love.

Below is a letter to my aunt, Donna Marie Dowdy. I’m not sure if she’s alive or otherwise, I just wish, hope, and pray that one day I’ll be able to say these things to her in person.

“Dear Aunt Donna,

My mama and Grandma Betty have always told me I have hands like you and that we have the same shaped eyes. I remember asking about you all the time or wanting to call Grandma Betty and Grandpa Pete on your birthday to see if you finally came home. I’ve always just wanted to know you; to put my hand in yours and compare them; to ask you to teach me to paint. I just want to look into those eyes that supposedly look like mine. When I was younger I was obsessed with you, but I never realized we would have so much in common.

At some point I stopped praying for you. I took your picture out of my backpack, I stopped asking questions, and realized that God wasn’t going to deliver that prayer—or maybe that my prayers just don’t get answered. Either way, at some point I gave up on you. I told myself you were gone and you weren’t coming back for me.

Well, now I’m praying for you again. I need you Aunt Donna. I need you to hold my hand in yours and for us to do this together. Because I love you unconditionally…and I don’t even know you. Because I’ll feel stronger if I have you to support me and I hope that you’ll feel the same about me. Because I need you to tell me that running away was a mistake. I need you in my corner and I promise to always be in yours.

Please come home.

—Your niece”

A Note on Anonymous Posts

Since this blog’s inception, anonymous posts have been the single constant. We know that there are countless students who do not read the blog daily but look forward to every Monday’s post. Even for those of us who do read the blog daily, we love when Mondays come around because of anonymous posts. As a blog staff, we value anonymous posts tremendously. Aside from the fact that several of us have written in anonymously before, we love the discussion in the comment section that they generate and the way that they give readers a chance to contribute, even if they can’t or don’t want to be an identifiable regular writer. That said, please understand that the purpose of this blog is to build community. From the beginning, the only things we said we ever wouldn’t post were things that violated our community standard of respect, like hate speech and personal attacks. Additionally, we will not post submissions that communicate or convey that the person submitting the post is expressing or insinuating suicide, another form of self harm, harm to others. We are very concerned for the well-being of the entire community, and our decision to not post such entries should not be interpreted as a rejection or as that we are ignoring you. Quite the contrary. We will take steps to identify any person whose submission suggests harm to self or somebody else in order to reach out and offer help. There are a number of resources available on campus and in the local community, and if you or a friend are experiencing thoughts or urges to harm yourself or somebody else, please reach out to the resources below:

In an emergency, please don't hesitate to call CAPS at any time, including "after hours" at (919) 966-3820. Ask to speak to the advice nurse and tell them you are a Duke student. You may also call the Trevor Project, a national hotline specifically for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer and questioning youth (college students included). Their number is 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386).

Anonymous Posts (3.28.11-4.3.11)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks, hate speech, or express or insinuate that one is at risk for hurting themselves or someone else. Please read further for an explanation of this policy and seek help if your or a friend find yourself in that position. With those exceptions aside, please feel free to submit your thoughts and questions. :)

First things first: WHO SAW LAST NIGHT'S WOMEN'S BASKETBALL FINAL FOUR GAMES!?! The end of Stanford-Texas A&M!?! And then UConn goes down?! Danggg. (Shout out to Chris Purcell for having a game thread going on his facebook!)

And, uh, CALLIE TORES AND ARIZONA ROBINS ARE GETTING MARRIED (on Grey’s Anatomy)!!

Other exciting news from the Duke world of gay: the last LGBTQ and Ally Discussion group is TOMORROW NIGHT in the LGBT Center at 6:30. We’re going to be talking about fitting in at Duke (and in life), so please bring your varied experiences and perspectives. Perhaps take a few minutes to reflect on Janie’s post from earlier this week and the comments left there.

THE LARAMIE PROJECT OPENS THIS WEEK, too! Performances this weekend Thursday the 7th, Friday the 8th, Saturday the 9th, all at 7:30pm, and Sunday afternoon at 2pm. Shows continue next weekend. Sheafer Theater in the Bryan Center and tickets are $5.

Also, confession: I'm a big PostSecret fan. I read them every week and anxiously await Sunday just as I used to anxiously await anonymous posts every Monday (now that I'm editor, I don't really have to anxiously await for them). Sometimes I think of this as our community's own PostSecret forum (maybe we'll find a way to let people get more creative on here, if they want?). But I digress. With each post, PostSecret provides resources for individuals who are suicidal. As I take over as blogger-in-chief, I want to remind everyone that it is vitally important that we remember to look out for ourselves and for each other.

Since this blog’s inception, anonymous posts have been the single constant. We know that there are countless students who do not read the blog daily but look forward to every Monday’s post. Even for those of us who do read the blog daily, we love when Mondays come around because of anonymous posts. As a blog staff, we value anonymous posts tremendously. Aside from the fact that several of us have written in anonymously before, we love the discussion in the comment section that they generate and the way that they give readers a chance to contribute, even if they can’t or don’t want to be an identifiable regular writer. That said, please understand that the purpose of this blog is to build community. From the beginning, the only things we said we ever wouldn’t post were things that violated our community standard of respect, like hate speech and personal attacks. Additionally, we will not post submissions that communicate or convey that the person submitting the post is expressing or insinuating suicide, another form of self harm, harm to others. We are very concerned for the well-being of the entire community, and our decision to not post such entries should not be interpreted as a rejection or as that we are ignoring you. Quite the contrary. We will take steps to identify any person whose submission suggests harm to self or somebody else in order to reach out and offer help. There are a number of resources available on campus and in the local community, and if you or a friend are experiencing thoughts or urges to harm yourself or somebody else, please reach out to the resources below:

In an emergency, please don't hesitate to call CAPS at any time, including "after hours" at (919) 966-3820. Ask to speak to the advice nurse and tell them you are a Duke student. You may also call the Trevor Project, a national hotline specifically for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer and questioning youth (college students included). Their number is 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386). Don't be surprised if you see these resources listed in following weeks.

Now, for this week’s anonymous posts!

#1

Lupe Fiasco gave a shout out to Gay Rights activists at his concert on Thursday. In that moment, however brief, I felt alive with acceptance. Usually, hip-hop/rap artists' songs are littered with homophobic remarks and hate speech. I have yet to come across a single lyric of his that has even the slightest hint of that.

#2

This community makes me want to hide who I am. I fear I will lie to the LGBT community about who I really am for my remaining years here at Duke just to be accepted. I feel so pathetic and like I'm betraying myself, but really I'm just trying to survive amongst you all [Editor's note: Please consider coming to tomorrow night's discussion group. We're going to be talking about this issue and would really like to hear your story.]