This summer continues to be The Summer of Chris as I spend more and more days not doing civil engineering at the HRC. For those curious about what a typical day is like, when I get there in the morning, I first do not design a sidewalk. Then, just before lunch, I do not design and mix a batch of concrete. The rest of my day is spent not finding neutral axes.
It is truly a dream job.
After work today I met up with Vivi, who is The Greatest, and took her to this great Mexican restaurant I found this week called "Chipotle." I think a Glee party with the other Dukies may be in order tomorrow night. Community, come visit us!
Anyhow! Sorry these posts are up superlate today. I was busy fighting for my civil rights and those of millions of other people (clearly this job has not gone straight to my head).
I am excited and I am anxious to begin my next four years at Duke. I have no desire to live life in the closet any longer. But easier said than done? How do I present myself to a new community as a gay member? Will I just become known as the gay kid? Perhaps if I wait until later, until people get to know. But then will I do? Can I tell them? And how much more time of my life will be spent as a lie? I am a straight acting guy, and no one really questions my sexuality. I have begun to wonder, however, if this is really who I am. Did society force me into this ideality of how a man should act? Did I shun my true self so far down into the darkness that I can't even recognize it? I am gay. I know that, but I have never said it. I cannot bring myself to say it, let alone to another person. I hope that at Duke I am able to live happily with myself, and discover my true identity.
On another note, not that this has been very linear, I have been considering that when (if?) I am an open gay man. How will I begin to see/date other gay men. Starting with my freshman year of high school, I had a "hook-up buddy". He was a year older than me and went to the same high school (he is actually the brother of my one best guy friend, which made for some interesting nights spent over there). We never really talked, just hooked up. I have never even kissed a guy; nor have I never had sex, but everything in between I suppose. I have never dealt with actually dating or getting to know a guy. I do want to hook up at Duke. I want to have fun and I want to meet people, but I feel like I won't know how to actually connect with someone. Does this make me superficial? Or just like any other college guy?
In short, I am confused. I am confused as to who I am and how I will live my life at Duke. This post has been a messy stream of consciousness with too many rhetorical questions, but I have never actually talked(or written) about this before. I just hope I can be happy with myself at Duke.
You don’t know me yet, but you will soon, and I want to pick your brains.
First, I’m a woman, and I think I’m bi.
I think I accidentally dated a girl once, who I think was also bi, but wasn’t ready to go there. I mean when we stopped living together I called it a breakup… that was one of my first signs. (what timing). Also, it was a little complicated because I was engaged at the time, but when I started questioning and then realized that I’d been cheating on him, honest to God unknowingly, and with a woman, for several months, and he’s not a bad guy but also not particularly sympathetic with the LGBT community, well that broke down real fast.
I’m still questioning, but I think it’s a pretty good indication that sometimes I find myself thinking about kissing breasts while my boyfriend goes down on me. But what if I’m actually a lesbian? I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve blamed some confusing sexual reactions in my recent past to abuse in my far away past, and now I have no idea.
And I think I might need to spend some time with a girl to figure it out.
The problem is, I’ve been dating someone new and I really love him. We’ve recently moved in together and he is the most open and understanding ally I’ve ever met in my entire life, not to mention a smart and wonderful and loving person. I’m toying with the idea of forever. We’ve talked about my sexuality situation and he said he might be secure enough in our relationship a few months down the line to set me up with one of his bi/lesbian friends, but I don’t really believe him. I think he would do it but it would hurt him too much, honestly, and he is not by any means one of those guys like Katy Perry’s boyfriend who won’t take cheating as seriously if it’s between two women. (Thank God. Can we please stop supporting that, culture?) Anyway.
So, my questions to y’all are these:
Do you think you can know definitively about your sexual orientation without experience to back it up?
Even if you can know, is it important to get that experience?
Why can’t I stop thinking about it? Do you have any suggestions?
So I’m approaching my month of being uncloseted! I’m so excited about this day approaching. To be honest after I came out I told my friends that I wanted a “Coming-Out” party! I still plan on making that happen and I want “I’m Coming Out” by Diana Ross to blast over the speakers. I just want to celebrate my accomplishment. I wrote my mom a letter, inspired by a friend’s letter to her mother, and I sent it to her over facebook. I kept asking myself as I was writing it, “Are you sure?” “Life will be changed after this forever”. I was also listening to “Listen” from Dream Girls. (I’ve yet to see the movie, but I love that song). My soul straightened up and said I’m coming out and I finished the letter. I even attempted to preemptively answer the questions that my mom would have at the end of the letter. I posted it and clicked “enviar” (send, my facebook is in Spanish). I was out. Well not right away my mom would have to read the letter..but several other things happened. I called my grandparents to let them know what I did, and my grandma pleaded that I told her I was kidding... I waited a day and my grandma went ahead and told my mom. While waiting this day, I told my friends what I had done, and received all of their support. I was out. No more hiding in closets...No more lying to mom about what I’m doing!! I can now be more specific about what I do at Duke! I felt free. My soul felt free. My entire being felt marvelous, amazing, alleviated, healed, repaired, liberated, astonished, amazed, shocked, scared, flustered, and incredulous! It was the most unique experience I’ve ever had in my life!! I’m out!!!!!!!!! I’m OUT!!! I’M OUT!!! I told myself this, and each time I felt like I was taken to a different level. My mom is now asking who I’m dating but I have a feeling she is telling all the family relatives, so now it is going to be awkward when they approach me and say...so I heard through the grapevine your gay. But lately my mother has been having conversations with me about the birds and the bees. She states, “When you were young you didn’t like suppositories or enemas, how do you think a man will be?” What she fails to understand is that, being a child, you don’t think of adults like that...well not at the age of 3 or 4. So that bothered me a bit that she was trying to rationalize my sexual preferences. But I told her same rules applied before I came out. I’m not telling you about my First nor what positions were tried. That’s gross mom, well gross to talk about with your own mother.