Passive

Thanksgiving was last week. That holiday where the main focus is supposed to be around people you love and sharing good times. For me, Thanksgiving was about eating as much as possible while watching the football games and pretending to go to sleep so I didn't have to participate in the conversations that were going on around me. Here a few snippets of the dialogue:

"Black men go over there to Asia and marry them Chinese women because they know they can control them."

"Asian and Japanese women always get more money from the courts when they divorce a Black man because they come over here to America with no skills and can't speak English so they need the help."

"I think a bunch of faggots made up the laws about who gets what when people get divorced. There's no way in hell a REAL man would write laws that would make men give women more money."

"I'll be damned if I let a fag tell me what to do."

I tuned out other parts and tried to forget the worst.

Fun stuff isn't it? The conversation started when a member of my family mentioned how she noticed a lot of Black men in the military were marrying non-Black women. (I have no knowledge as to the validity of the statement...)

So, I sat there trying to ignore the ignorance. Focused intently on the game I was watching with my plate of Thanksgiving food piled high, I figured it'd be best for me to keep my mouth stuffed with food for fear that I'd blow a gasket and go insane from the racism and homophobia.

The more I sat in silence, the more I grew upset at myself. Why couldn't I just say something? Why sit there silently simmering about the bile being spewed in their speech when I could stand up against them? If I sit here in my (albeit, uneasy) comfort and just let it go, what right do I have to ask anyone else to speak up for me when my identity is being dragged through the muck?

I felt like a coward. That was my chance to kill two birds with one stone. I could have finally come out to my family and shown them that I fully embrace this "different person" I've become while at Duke as they like to say. I could have shown them how I learned so much more about life in general than actual knowledge gained from a textbook.

But no. I sat there. Too scared of the consequences to speak up for what is right. Too afraid of becoming the family outcast that I practically already am. Too terrified to show them the real me that hides beneath the shell of the me they used to know. I sat there taking solace in the fact that it was easier for me to ignore it until I came back to Durham than stand up and fight. I could let it all pass until I could pretend once again that the family I'm supposed to love unconditionally and put before anyone or anything else and is supposed to do the same for me doesn't actually hate everything about the real me. I could pretend that I wouldn't know how they'd react or what they'd say behind my back.

Except, now I do know. They didn't even have to tell me directly.

I hate going home.

Queersgiving.

This Thanksgiving, I was DETERMINED to make sweet potato pies. Armed with a glass of Riesling in one hand and my phone wedged between my neck and my shoulder (thanks Mom for leaving your recipe on voicemail….), I had somehow turned making pie into a Thanksgiving themed balancing act. By 4pm, everything within a 2-foot radius of the mixing bowl had become a victim of my endeavor.

You see, I've fallen in love with the peachfuzz that has managed to amass under my chin and over my lip. This love affair was sparked after an unfortunate incident involving curry remaining stuck to my face long after I had finished eating it. Until my unlucky run in with dinner that night, I was completely ignorant of anything growing on my face. Needless to say, I soon became the target of my friends' massive side eye (“How did you not know something was growing on your face?”) for the rest of the evening.

Because of this love (cue the Marvin Gaye y'all), I couldn't bring myself to utter the word shave. So, I made the decision to choose the 300 little hairs on my face over Thanksgiving at home, and the would-be concerned faces of family members that I haven't come out to yet. To this very second, I have no regrets over my decision.

So this Thanksgiving, there were no 8AM church services, no slow singing gospel choirs, no smell of the heavily perfumed bodies of the older women in my family. Instead, there was Queersgiving; 5 good (Queer!) friends and my sweet potato covered self, stuffing our faces to a menu that I still can't wrap my head around. Though the scenery of Thanksgiving had changed for me, the menu was pretty close to what I'd eat at home: pineapple and brown sugar glazed ham, mac and cheese, stuffing, and kale were all present and accounted for. 3 sweet potato pies were the result of my destructive cooking. To top it off, 2 apple pies and a tray of delicious enchiladas had also made their way to my friends' kitchen table. By 10PM, I was knocked out.

What began as a week of uncertainty over my absence from an annual family gathering, ended in a Thanksgiving I probably won't stop talking about for quite some time. I didn't have to go home and spend my break creating excuses and justifications for my identity, something that should never have to be justified in the first place. I didn't have to create an excuse for my flattened chest, for the sudden change in the pitch of my voice, or for anything, really. I got the chance to celebrate turkey day the way it should be celebrated- doubled over laughing, stuffed, mildly tipsy from my culinary adventure, and surrounded by people that I care greatly about, and who've gone out of their way to express that they care just as much about me.

How I would deal with holidays was never a part of my deciding to transition. I assumed that the holidays would be an extremely unpleasant 24 hour period of CSI style interrogation and questioning about my life and my body. Thank goodness I have friends who have shown me that it doesn't have to be that way.

Giving Thanks on Thanksgiving

[Editor's Note: I am pleased to welcome Denzell to our blog! Please give him a warm welcome in the comments section!]

Well first I would like to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving for many reasons, not least of which is because it signals the date I can start decorating for Christmas. In my family we have this tradition of all holding hands and each saying what we are thankful for. Now you see how cool and innovative my family is. But this got me thinking, as a gay man what do I have to be thankful for, and in the larger sense what can our community as a whole be thankful for? Over the last year our community has faced certain setbacks (the proposed North Carolina Marriage amendment), but as a whole this has been a great year.

I personally have so much to be thankful for, because over the past year I came to terms with my sexuality, came out, and found a community that accepts me. I am thankful that at Duke I have a place to live freely and openly. I crack a smile every time I see a rainbow flag outside a window, and I feel at home whenever I see one of the many LOVE=LOVE shirts on campus. I am thankful for the LGBT center and every thing it provides. And even more than the physical center, I am thankful for Janie and Jess because their love and dedication fill the Center with a comfort that is hard to find any place else. I am thankful that after having to leave my church (and denomination) I have found a religious community where I not only feel accepted, but loved for who I am. This Thanksgiving I will give thanks because in the past year I have been saved from shame and self-torment. Last Thanksgiving I was plagued by the demons of my own inner homophobia, but now I am at peace. This is not to say that personally I have no problems. I still must come out to a homophobic extended family, and intolerant “friends” from back home, but in less than one years time I have made strides I once thought impossible. I am the happiest I have ever been, and I have excised inner demons that once gripped my life. For these things I am truly thankful.

Now enough about me…what about us!

This has undoubtedly been a monumental year for Gay rights, and the progress of our community. As a community we can be thankful that now all Americans can serve their country regardless of their sexual orientation. One victory you may not be aware of: we can be thankful that in August the Native American tribe of Suquamish extended full marriage rights to gay tribe members. While on the subject of marriage equality we should all be very thankful that in July marriage equality was extended to 19 million citizens through New York’s gay marriage law. That brings the total to 7 states where LGBT individuals have marriage rights. On the west coast while they are fighting Prop 8 in the courts (they are making progress) California legislators took another progressive step. California will now become the first state to require LGBT history be taught in public schools. We can rejoice in the fact that finally one state will teach about the importance of LGBT Americans in our history.

Pop culture- Yes we can always be thankful for Celebrities.

In February we had Justin Bieber give his support of gay individuals, for which I am sure we are all thankful. Justin was quoted as saying about gay individuals “ It’s everyone’s own decision, it doesn’t affect me and it shouldn’t affect anyone else”. Now the word “decision” was a poor choice, but he meant well. Oh, and FYI to all the Justin fans, he is coming to Cameron to watch the UNC game this year (maybe we can give our newest ally a LOVE=LOVE shirt). To everyone who is using an apple product to read this lets be thankful for Apple and Steve Jobs (RIP). On the subject of Apple there is another thing to be thankful for. The new CEO Tim Cook is not only a Duke alum, but also a gay man. I am hoping that means that the iPhone 5 will be available in every color of the rainbow and not just white and black. We should also be thankful for our Queer friends in the animal kingdom. Gay penguins “Buddy” and “Pedro” will, after much outcry, be reunited at the Toronto Zoo (but only after they perform their “duty” during mating season to propagate their endangered species). Finally, I would be remiss to omit the single greatest thing that we can be thankful for in the realm of pop culture…Lady Gaga giving us a new anthem! While “Dancing queen”, “I’m coming out” and “it’s raining men” are all great “Born this way” was a much-needed modern addition.

So while you stuff your face with turkey, cranberry sauce, and pumpkin pie remember that in our community which faces constant oppression there is still much to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!