Let's Make THIS the new "Bro" Culture :)

WASSSSSSSSSUPPPP PARTY PEOPLE?!?!?!

If any of y'all have read sites like TotalFratMove or BroBible, you probably do one of two things: 1) You are offended at the blatantly sexist/racist/homophobic/misogynist/etc. views that [appear to] reflect a Greek campus culture of which you *definitely* do not want to be a part, or 2) You laugh at how funny the posts/quotes are -- oftentimes, because they speak to some pretty sad truths -- but then you shrug and move on with your life.

I tend to do both. I'm not really sure what that means, to be honest, but...

Regardless of how you respond to these sites, I'd like y'all to take a look at a NEW "Bro" blog that has gained popularity recently, and even though some insecure/stupid/washed-up people on this campus might think it's a little trite, an unbelievably high number of my Frat Star friends have been posting it -- proudly -- on their Facebooks. It's a really, really awesome site, my favorite two posts of which made me think of all of us in Blue Devils United, the quotes being:

"BroTip #100: Being a Bro has nothing to do with gender. If you're always rad and forever legit, you've got what it takes."

"BroTip #131: Always be proud of who you are. Don't back down from people telling you not to be."

The entire site can be found at: http://www.brotipshq.com

...here's to making this blog viral and redefining what it means to be a real Bro on this campus! I know that I, personally, have been and will always be a Bro4Life ;)

xo,

E.

Me and Maury

Ok. So it's confession time. I have a teddy bear that I sleep with every night. His name is Maury Povich. Let me explain briefly how Maury came into my life and why he's named Maury. I promise this has a point. Just "bear" with me (lol get it?).

So it was the day after Halloween last semester. Two of my brothers dressed up as robots. Their costumes were made out of cardboard boxes and aluminum foil. They decided to keep the costumes for a while and use them as decoration in our common room. While cleaning up the common room, we find this random teddy bear. It was white with a little bow around it's neck. It had a cute brown nose and a random string coming out of its back. We had no idea who it belonged to so we just left it in the common room thinking that if someone really wanted it, they would come looking for it.

Weeks went by and no one claimed it. Eventually, Thanksgiving rolled around and still no one claimed it. One day, someone thought it would be funny to put the teddy bear in one of the robot costumes and face it towards the tv as though it was watching it. I stared at it for the longest time. It seemed to be looking back at me with a smile on its face. So I took it up to my room and kept it for myself. And I've had it with me ever since, except over winter break when I left in too much of a rush to grab him off my bed. I originally just called him Teddy but it didn't seem to fit. So I changed it to Franklin. But that made me think of the cartoon turtle. So I asked my brothers what I should call him. During finals week, I would sit in the common room with my blanket and my teddy and just watch tv. Our favorite show? You probably guessed it: The Maury Show. So they said I should call him Maury and Maury he's been ever since.

So, now, the real reason for this story. Why in the world would a 20-year-old that has never slept with a stuffed animal before all of a sudden feel the urge to do so? Why is a child's toy so important to me?

Well, honestly, for a while I had no idea. I didn't understand how an inanimate object could mean so much to a little child. But then I sat back one day and thought about it.

I've been going through a lot these past few months starting back probably at the beginning of the semester. As I've stated before, I don't like to think of myself as having one main identity followed by others that rank in importance. Every group that identify with is just as important to me, no one more so than the other. I love that about myself. But it's also caused me so many problems. Sometimes, it seems like one of my identities doesn't necessarily mesh well with one or more of the others. And so I'm left in this sort of identity tug of war. For example, let's take my multiple identities and see how they react with each other: gay, black, greek.

Now, just looking at those, if these didn't apply to me, I would say that they never work together. Well, they do or they can at least most of the time. But, these three identities don't always make life so easy. As Xan beautifully pointed out in her post from yesterday, black and gay don't always get along. For me, this clash often forces me to choose who to hang out with and how to act when around certain groups due to certain repercussions that are bound to happen. And I hate that! I hate that with a burning passion. I hate being fake. But I also hate evil glares and cold shoulders, especially from members of groups that I identify with.

Now, let's take a look at gay and greek. We all know this can have its issues with worrying about being accepted by your greek brothers or sisters. I can honestly say that I have never faced this and I know that I am so fortunate for that. But I'd also like to point out that sometimes, some members of the LGBTQ community don't always make it easy to be greek. I remember being told by a few members of the community that I need to stop pretending to be "fratty" and "embrace my gayness." I don't know if I've ever been more offended in my life. The sarcastic or condescending tone of voice some people use when asking me if I'm hanging out with my fraternity just makes the wound bleed even more.

Lastly, black and greek can actually work very well... if you're in a Black fraternity. Well, I'm not. So when talking to other members of the Black and I mention that I'm not in a historically Black fraternity, well, let's just say you can cut the tension with an imaginary butter knife. I become shunned from conversation and almost treated as a traitor.

So, I've been feeling like a partial exile from each of these groups and it makes me feel splintered. I haven't felt like a whole person in a very long time. Couple this with the stress of school, dealing with family issues, trying to salvage what little of a relationship I was having with this guy (and ultimately failing), I've been having some crappy months. I put on a brave face when I'm out walking around but on the inside, I'm falling apart at the seems. I just wanted something to grasp on to that would never leave me. Something that would always be there for me.

And that's how Maury came into my life and became so important to me. Maury is always there with open arms and a smile, ready to give me a big bear hug whenever I feel my world slipping away from me again. Maury is always there to catch my tears as I'm trying to fall asleep at night. Maury is there to be my company when no one else is around. I love my Maury.

For even "the most closeted" of Frat Stars :)

Dear Closeted Fraternity Brother,

You might very well know who I am. After all, I have met and befriended roughly fourteen guys like you on this campus (yes, I keep count!), and a few of you have even read this wonderful blog (out of curiosity, of course... what was that phrase again? "No homo," right?). I wish I could say that I write on here often, but I don't. I do not presume to understand the struggle that is LGBTQ-affiliation in an often-bigoted world. I do, however, presume to understand the awesomeness that is Greek life at Duke: I go out. I drink. And I rage. A lot. I like to dance in the cage with my sorority sisters at Shooter's, on Saturdays I like to dress up like some version of a skanky blue collar worker for Tailgate, and, most importantly, I like to go to all of your fraternity's events, whether it's SigNu Seafood, Pikes of the Caribbean, or DTD's Iced Out.

It is at events like these where, before I begin making my own poor life decisions, you drunkenly come up to me and, with a sneaky smile, tell me you heard that I "hang out with a lot of homos." I tell you that it's not nice to phrase it that way, but, yes, many of my friends are gay. You say it's okay for you to phrase it that way because you could be "a homo," too. I tell you that that is a very significant thing to admit, and that I had no idea you were questioning. A look of fear appears on your face, and you tell me you've "done sh** with guys before," but you were "just really drunk," and it probably doesn't mean anything. I ask you if you want to talk about it sometime over coffee. You get angry and tell me to "f*** off" and that, if I tell anyone what you just told me, I shouldn't bother showing up to your section parties anymore.

At first, these conversations leave me feeling hurt and confused. But, the more that they happen, the more they just feel predictably normal. I have gotten used to being both your confidante and your verbal punching bag. And while it is nice to be confided in, it is not very nice to be used as a convenient sounding board and then threatened because I was the "fag hag" in your drunken line of fire. You and I are friends, and friends do not say or do these things to each other. The only instance I can think of for a friend to logically act like this is if they are feeling angry and alone. As you know, I say and do mean things when I feel angry and alone. So, when I think of what's eating at your soul right now, I imagine that you, my friend, must be feeling very angry and alone.

I wanted to write to you to tell you that you are not at all alone. Not to toot my own horn (after our years or months or days of friendship, you surely must know how big my ego is), but I guess it suffices to say that I am the inextricable link. What you say to me about your hidden sexuality is nothing new. It has been said to me before; you have said it to me before, shrouded in all different kinds of Greek letters. And so I am what binds you to a number of other men on this campus who share your inner struggle. I am the proof that none of you are alone. And while I will always uphold my promise to keep your admissions safe within the confines of my heart, a little chip breaks off of it every time you reveal your secret - often in drunken, incomprehensible snippets - to me. You reveal your secret so often and so frequently to the point that I worry every piece of my heart will chip away, and there will be nothing left to protect what you have shared with me. I will have nothing to do but shout your secret to the world because, that way, you and everyone like you will finally realize that you are not alone.

Don't freak out, though! That was just me being dramatic. But you must understand that this could be a big problem down the road, and I worry about it every day. I worry about you every day. I worry that as time goes on, these feelings you are having will not at all go away but will instead grow and grow, and you will be so ashamed of them that you will not merely hide them from the world but you will also hide all of the other things that you are: you are an incredible Social Chair. You are really good at doing the Borat accent. You are not afraid to go free ballin'. You would rather do a naked run around Wannie than clean your dorm. You can out-chug everyone. You make every girl at every party feel at ease. You make me feel at ease. And I have a suspicious feeling that you also make your brothers feel at ease.

And so I know you find it just as irritatingly presumptuous as I do when I hear what people say: "You should just come out because then you'll realize who your real friends are," or, "Coming out will make you stronger in the long run," or "The fact that you can't come out means you have 'issues' and are insecure." But I don't think that advice will help you very much because I know your world, why you are in it, and why you want to stay in it. There is nothing like an amazing section party with Akon blasting and slutty dancing everywhere and neighbors making noise complaints. There is nothing like a bunch of guys you can shotgun ten beers in section with and then run around mooning the Campus Police. There is nothing like living with a bunch of brothers who will play pong with you at 7 am on a Saturday morning because you have to "pre-pregame" Tailgate. This is your life at Duke, and it's a damn, good life. You have every right to keep it.

You are afraid that these experiences will all go away - that they will all be stripped from your hands the moment it becomes known that you you like guys. But I wholeheartedly believe that your brothers are, in fact, your real friends. Time spent together does not lie, and these memories and friendships you have cultivated with your brothers have happened for a reason. You received a bid to join your respective fraternity because your brothers all saw in you what I see in you - what the world sees in you. They are not going to disappear and abandon you the moment they find out something new about who you are. They might not know how to respond to it, they might be weird at first, and, yes, they might be a little uncomfortable. But they are human beings with struggles of their own, and they are your brothers and your friends. They will get over their awkwardness very quickly because they will remember why they rushed you in the first place.

I know this letter will not automatically affect your resistance to come out, but I do hope it will at least make you think about things. Your brothers love you very much, and, contrary to what those GDI's might say, being in a fraternity gives you a bond that will last your whole life. The common misconception is that fraternities are merely breeding grounds for insecure, misogynist "bro's" who hide who they are for four years by partying, drinking, and partaking in legally questionable behavior. You and I both know that that isn't necessarily true. You might be insecure about being gay, but partying, drinking, and tearing down traffic signs across campus at 4am is part of who you are, and, okay, maybe it's part of why you joined a fraternity in the first place. There is nothing wrong with that. This is what makes your world at Duke so fun. Just remember that there is life after Duke, too, and coming out might make it all just a tiny bit easier. Your brothers will stand by you. I've seen it happen in KA, in DTD, in Wayne, in PiKapp, in ATO, and the list goes on... You really will be okay. I know it, know it, know it.

One part of you will not define the whole. You are too much, and you are just enough, and nothing will change that. You are loved, and you are not alone.

I love you,
E.

A Gay Greek's Plea

Okay, here we go. I am gay, out, and in a fraternity. Best part about it: it’s not a problem at all. The brothers knew about my sexuality long before I rushed and pledged. I was worried that once knowledge of my sexuality spread, I would be blacklisted and never invited to come around again. Much to my surprise, not long after my sexuality was revealed, I was invited to go to dinner with some of the brothers. I agreed, hesitantly, wondering what in the world this could mean. Were we going to have “the talk”?! (DUH Duh duh!) We have dinner. The subject was not mentioned, not referenced, not even hinted at. I released a sigh of relief as mighty as the gust from Zephyr that killed the beautiful Hyacinth (Can you tell I love Greek mythology?). My times of hanging out with the brothers continued. Fast forward to rush. Once again, my suspicions rose that maybe I could hang out with the brothers but only as a friend, never a brother. On a last minute whim, I rushed. My heart beat at the speed of light at each event, waiting for one of the brothers to tell me what I knew I would eventually hear. I remember anxiously staring at my computer on Sunday nights, refreshing my email every 10 seconds, hoping that I would get an email inviting me to the next round of rush, but knowing that I would never get it. Again, the brotherhood proved me wrong. I received a round 2 invite, followed by round 3. Then came the moment of truth… bids. I successfully made it through all 3 rounds of rush, but would that matter? After all, it could have all been for naught if I did not get a bid to pledge and eventually join. For that entire day, I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t eat. I was sick to my stomach. I couldn’t walk because my knees were weak. I couldn’t write because my hands were shaking. The same thought ran through my head all day: No fraternity wants a gay guy as a brother.

I broke into tears that night. I received a bid to join the Beta Lambda chapter of Sigma Chi. They didn’t care. THEY DIDN’T CARE!!! They wanted me to be one of their brothers! Tears of joy streamed down my face as I quickly ran downstairs to my best friend’s room to tell her the good news. I, Ashante’ Jamar Biggers, was going to pledge a fraternity.

That was a year ago now. I’ve enjoyed every single minute with my brothers. They’ve been my friends, my support group, my vacation buddies. They’ve been there through my happy times, my sad times, my confusing times, my stressful times, my blissful times. I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

So why tell you my story? Because I want everyone out there to know that yes, there is homophobia in the Greek community, but it’s not everywhere. You can find a pocket of sunshine breaking through the clouds just like I did. You just have to find it. I feel very secure about my sexuality thanks to the help of my fraternity. I feel very comfortable inviting a guy to our events. The thing that gives me the most grief is getting up the courage to ask someone. I know that if I bring a guy to a date function, we won’t have to face the stares and whispers. We won’t have to be the awkward couple that no one talks to. We could be just another couple in the crowd.

So please, for me, don’t think of all Greek organizations as homophobic because they are not. I beg of you to not generalize all Greeks as the same because we are not. I am an individual just as much as the next person. Think of the negative stereotypes that you face everyday and how you feel about them. I feel the same way.