Let's Make THIS the new "Bro" Culture :)

WASSSSSSSSSUPPPP PARTY PEOPLE?!?!?!

If any of y'all have read sites like TotalFratMove or BroBible, you probably do one of two things: 1) You are offended at the blatantly sexist/racist/homophobic/misogynist/etc. views that [appear to] reflect a Greek campus culture of which you *definitely* do not want to be a part, or 2) You laugh at how funny the posts/quotes are -- oftentimes, because they speak to some pretty sad truths -- but then you shrug and move on with your life.

I tend to do both. I'm not really sure what that means, to be honest, but...

Regardless of how you respond to these sites, I'd like y'all to take a look at a NEW "Bro" blog that has gained popularity recently, and even though some insecure/stupid/washed-up people on this campus might think it's a little trite, an unbelievably high number of my Frat Star friends have been posting it -- proudly -- on their Facebooks. It's a really, really awesome site, my favorite two posts of which made me think of all of us in Blue Devils United, the quotes being:

"BroTip #100: Being a Bro has nothing to do with gender. If you're always rad and forever legit, you've got what it takes."

"BroTip #131: Always be proud of who you are. Don't back down from people telling you not to be."

The entire site can be found at: http://www.brotipshq.com

...here's to making this blog viral and redefining what it means to be a real Bro on this campus! I know that I, personally, have been and will always be a Bro4Life ;)

xo,

E.

Lavender Ball Recap

"Dirt and glitter cover the floor,
We're pretty and sick,
We're young and were bored" –Ke$ha

Duke’s LGBTQA students were anything but bored Saturday night as they celebrated the annual Lavender Ball in the Freeman Center for Jewish Life. The event, hailed by some as a comedy of (drunken) errors, drew hundreds of students and was a function of Blue Devils United, Duke’s undergraduate LGBT student association. Event chairs Ari and his co did an outstanding job of planning and executing the event. Thanks also to DJ Chris “Gays-just-don't-appreciate-their-gay-icons-anymore!” Perry [Ed. Note: I just wanted to play I'm Every Woman at a gay event. Is that so wrong?!] and photographer Ollie “Prom-pose!” Wilson.

The night started slowly because, according one slightly slurred suggestion, attendees were “running on gay time.” The dance floor quickly crowded, though, and disorderly conduct increased over the course of the night (see chart).


Social columns used to be newspaper staples in big cities. These columns would report to the masses the proceedings of all the biggest parties and outline who did what, and with whom. I’ll refrain from doing the same—you’re welcome. What I will divulge, however, is that the event was a ton of fun. Whether dancing, reconnecting with LGBT students from all around the triangle, or watching Spencer Paez werq, everyone involved had a blast.

The theme of the event was “The prom you never had,” but I’m not sure anyone has ever had a prom quite like that.

(Above photos by Ollie Wilson. Many thanks to him for letting us use them, and to those pictured, for looking absolutely stunning!)

"Duke Gay"

I was offered admission to Duke University exactly one year ago today, but at the time I was justifiably concerned about a different kind of acceptance.

At 5:00 pm, I found out of my acceptance and by 5:01 I was wondering about LGBT life at Duke. The first phrase I searched on the internet was the first that came to mind: “Duke gay.” Whether this reflects my poor knowledge of Google’s search algorithms or simply my nervous excitement, I’m not sure.

What was I looking for? I’m not sure. I’ll tell you what I’ve since found, though.

Duke’s Center for LGBT Life is a great resource and the students that frequent it form a great community. Duke has many LGBT students representing all backgrounds. How many students? I won’t lie and say that we’re a Yale or a Smith, but there are enough students for a diverse, strong, and outspoken community. There are alternatives to this community, though—many openly LGBT students don’t have anything to do with the Center and are perfectly happy. The LGBT dating scene is strong, though the LGBT hookup scene is stronger. But that’s just college, right?

Openly gay students rarely rush fraternities and sororities, but it isn’t unheard of. Selective living groups—typically coed and accepting—are popular alternatives to Greek life, providing networking opportunities and social outlets without rigid gender roles or a stressful rush process.

While there is always room for improvement, the Administration has a history of LGBT support. In addition to funding the Center for LGBT life, it maintains a strong anti-discrimination policy inclusive of sexual orientation. That chapel you’ve seen or heard so much about? Yeah, it hosts same-sex ceremonies.

And don’t write Duke off, like I almost did, just because it’s in the South. Duke is in Durham, which has recently been crowned the Lesbian Capital of the South. Not lesbian? That’s okay, too- Durham, along with Raleigh and Chapel Hill form a region known as the Research Triangle, a moderately liberal oasis within the Bible-Belt. In 2009, openly gay Town Councilman Mark Kleinshmidt ran for and won the office of Mayor of Chapel Hill, which I see as a positive indicator of the region’s social progressiveness.

If you’ve recently been accepted to Duke University, I extend my congratulations. I hope this post and this blog are helpful to you and I encourage you to ask any questions you may have in the comment section. I also recommend that you attend Blue Devil Days to get a feel for campus culture, academic, social, and otherwise.

Oh, and did I mention that NC Pride ran right past my dorm last September?

My favorite new trends in music

3) Techno hits the mainstream

Peaks, valleys, builds and busts formerly relegated to the dance floor are now delivered daily to radios around the nation.

Fig. 1: The radio edit of the new Enrique Iglesias (something of an ally, btw) sounds like what would have been termed a "disco remix" in the past.

Fig. 2: Britney Spears introduces Dubstep to the mainstream at 2:12 in her new single. Hallelujah, hallelujah.

2) Adele

Not to objectify or anything, but I would go straight for her voice.*

*Just kidding, that isn't how it works.

1) LGBT on the airwaves

Fig 1: P!nk performs at a two-groom wedding in the video for Raise Your Glass.

Fig 2: Katy Perry dedicates Firework to fighting the bullying of LGBT teens. Also, dudes make out at 2:15.

Fig 3: Gaga. Do I even need to explain? Not only was she vocal in the fight against DADT, but by explicitly encouraging LGBT self-love in a song that's getting a ton of radio play, she is not only normalizing sexual minorities to those who might typically be opposed, but she's also reaching LGBT youth who otherwise might not realize that they were, for lack of a better phrase, "born this way." Whether you enjoy her music or not, you have to admit that she's making significant inroads for LGBT individuals in America.

"Fab" Friday?

I invite you to stop by Duke's Center for LGBT Life today from 4-6 for "Fab Friday." But I think you should know that the Center is frequented by more than just the fab*.

Among the regular attendees of Fab Friday and other events at the Center are:

Sports enthusiasts

Women

Athletes

Allies

Frat-stars

Pratt-stars

Sorority sisters

Conservatives

Liberals

Artists

Scientists

Musicians

(Future) Politicians

Tar-Heels

Blue Devils

Potential friends.

So if you have preconceived notions of the types of people that go (or don't go) to the Center, I'd advise you to come by this afternoon. I think you'll pleasantly surprised.

*Not that theres anything wrong with being fab, of course.

Riding

So I was at Shooters II a few weeks ago (withhold your laughter, judgment, and/or concerns for my safety) and something happened. Something that caught me off guard.

In addition to creepy old men, an elevated cage, and probably enough bacteria to be considered a biological weapon, Shooters II has a large mechanical bull adjacent to the dance floor. For $5, you can be thrust back and forth in front of the crowd until you fall off. As you may have guessed, the bull is often used while intoxicated.

Male/female couples and female/female pairs often frequent the bull. Thus I was understandably surprised when the man operating the bull turned down the request of another man and I to ride. We had waited in line, we had $5 ready, and as you may have guessed, we were intoxicated. We asked why and he gave a completely unconvincing response about a weight limit.*

Seeing our disappointment, he quickly reminded us that we could still go one at a time.

C’mon, Shooters-Man. It obviously wasn’t about the bull ride.

I didn’t write about this immediately because I figured it was an anomaly, the exception to the rule in (mostly) accepting central North Carolina

And then this happened. If that’s not a wake-up call, a cold reminder that things are still really not okay, then I’m not sure what is.

Living in the Duke bubble had lulled me into a sense of complacency. Duke’s campus is, to a large extent, accepting of sexual minorities. In an environment where being gay is, in my experience, a nonissue, I had forgotten that homosexuality is still not exactly kosher beyond the University walls.

Do better, NC.


*What the man said about the weight limits may be true, and I may be reading too much into this. But trust me; I’ve seen some big girls** on that bull.

**Not that there's anything wrong with that, for the record.

The least interesting coming-out story you will ever read

This is going to be a short post, for all the right reasons.

Over winter break, I came out to the rest of my family. A few knew before, but now everyone is in the loop. I did it at dinner one night- I saw an opening in the conversation and jumped in. Everyone was surprised, but within a few minutes they had accepted it. Despite the suburban and conservative nature of my family, nobody had a problem, nobody asked an insensitive or insulting question. Conversation marched along, nothing different. I literally have nothing else to say about it, which is kind of awesome.

At first I felt gratitude at being accepted by my family. Then I remembered that it's the job of a family to accept its offspring. I began to question why I was feeling gratitude- if I was born this way and didn’t choose it, why should I be grateful for acceptance? If someone with brown hair is born into a family of blondes, should they feel grateful for not being turned out of the house? As a fiery young idealist, this thinking eventually brought me around to anger at those who don’t accept LGBT individuals, regardless of their reasoning.

Queer happens, get with the times.

As my wise friend Jacob Tobia once shared, “We’re here, we’re queer, we’re fabulous- don’t fuck with us.”

For even "the most closeted" of Frat Stars :)

Dear Closeted Fraternity Brother,

You might very well know who I am. After all, I have met and befriended roughly fourteen guys like you on this campus (yes, I keep count!), and a few of you have even read this wonderful blog (out of curiosity, of course... what was that phrase again? "No homo," right?). I wish I could say that I write on here often, but I don't. I do not presume to understand the struggle that is LGBTQ-affiliation in an often-bigoted world. I do, however, presume to understand the awesomeness that is Greek life at Duke: I go out. I drink. And I rage. A lot. I like to dance in the cage with my sorority sisters at Shooter's, on Saturdays I like to dress up like some version of a skanky blue collar worker for Tailgate, and, most importantly, I like to go to all of your fraternity's events, whether it's SigNu Seafood, Pikes of the Caribbean, or DTD's Iced Out.

It is at events like these where, before I begin making my own poor life decisions, you drunkenly come up to me and, with a sneaky smile, tell me you heard that I "hang out with a lot of homos." I tell you that it's not nice to phrase it that way, but, yes, many of my friends are gay. You say it's okay for you to phrase it that way because you could be "a homo," too. I tell you that that is a very significant thing to admit, and that I had no idea you were questioning. A look of fear appears on your face, and you tell me you've "done sh** with guys before," but you were "just really drunk," and it probably doesn't mean anything. I ask you if you want to talk about it sometime over coffee. You get angry and tell me to "f*** off" and that, if I tell anyone what you just told me, I shouldn't bother showing up to your section parties anymore.

At first, these conversations leave me feeling hurt and confused. But, the more that they happen, the more they just feel predictably normal. I have gotten used to being both your confidante and your verbal punching bag. And while it is nice to be confided in, it is not very nice to be used as a convenient sounding board and then threatened because I was the "fag hag" in your drunken line of fire. You and I are friends, and friends do not say or do these things to each other. The only instance I can think of for a friend to logically act like this is if they are feeling angry and alone. As you know, I say and do mean things when I feel angry and alone. So, when I think of what's eating at your soul right now, I imagine that you, my friend, must be feeling very angry and alone.

I wanted to write to you to tell you that you are not at all alone. Not to toot my own horn (after our years or months or days of friendship, you surely must know how big my ego is), but I guess it suffices to say that I am the inextricable link. What you say to me about your hidden sexuality is nothing new. It has been said to me before; you have said it to me before, shrouded in all different kinds of Greek letters. And so I am what binds you to a number of other men on this campus who share your inner struggle. I am the proof that none of you are alone. And while I will always uphold my promise to keep your admissions safe within the confines of my heart, a little chip breaks off of it every time you reveal your secret - often in drunken, incomprehensible snippets - to me. You reveal your secret so often and so frequently to the point that I worry every piece of my heart will chip away, and there will be nothing left to protect what you have shared with me. I will have nothing to do but shout your secret to the world because, that way, you and everyone like you will finally realize that you are not alone.

Don't freak out, though! That was just me being dramatic. But you must understand that this could be a big problem down the road, and I worry about it every day. I worry about you every day. I worry that as time goes on, these feelings you are having will not at all go away but will instead grow and grow, and you will be so ashamed of them that you will not merely hide them from the world but you will also hide all of the other things that you are: you are an incredible Social Chair. You are really good at doing the Borat accent. You are not afraid to go free ballin'. You would rather do a naked run around Wannie than clean your dorm. You can out-chug everyone. You make every girl at every party feel at ease. You make me feel at ease. And I have a suspicious feeling that you also make your brothers feel at ease.

And so I know you find it just as irritatingly presumptuous as I do when I hear what people say: "You should just come out because then you'll realize who your real friends are," or, "Coming out will make you stronger in the long run," or "The fact that you can't come out means you have 'issues' and are insecure." But I don't think that advice will help you very much because I know your world, why you are in it, and why you want to stay in it. There is nothing like an amazing section party with Akon blasting and slutty dancing everywhere and neighbors making noise complaints. There is nothing like a bunch of guys you can shotgun ten beers in section with and then run around mooning the Campus Police. There is nothing like living with a bunch of brothers who will play pong with you at 7 am on a Saturday morning because you have to "pre-pregame" Tailgate. This is your life at Duke, and it's a damn, good life. You have every right to keep it.

You are afraid that these experiences will all go away - that they will all be stripped from your hands the moment it becomes known that you you like guys. But I wholeheartedly believe that your brothers are, in fact, your real friends. Time spent together does not lie, and these memories and friendships you have cultivated with your brothers have happened for a reason. You received a bid to join your respective fraternity because your brothers all saw in you what I see in you - what the world sees in you. They are not going to disappear and abandon you the moment they find out something new about who you are. They might not know how to respond to it, they might be weird at first, and, yes, they might be a little uncomfortable. But they are human beings with struggles of their own, and they are your brothers and your friends. They will get over their awkwardness very quickly because they will remember why they rushed you in the first place.

I know this letter will not automatically affect your resistance to come out, but I do hope it will at least make you think about things. Your brothers love you very much, and, contrary to what those GDI's might say, being in a fraternity gives you a bond that will last your whole life. The common misconception is that fraternities are merely breeding grounds for insecure, misogynist "bro's" who hide who they are for four years by partying, drinking, and partaking in legally questionable behavior. You and I both know that that isn't necessarily true. You might be insecure about being gay, but partying, drinking, and tearing down traffic signs across campus at 4am is part of who you are, and, okay, maybe it's part of why you joined a fraternity in the first place. There is nothing wrong with that. This is what makes your world at Duke so fun. Just remember that there is life after Duke, too, and coming out might make it all just a tiny bit easier. Your brothers will stand by you. I've seen it happen in KA, in DTD, in Wayne, in PiKapp, in ATO, and the list goes on... You really will be okay. I know it, know it, know it.

One part of you will not define the whole. You are too much, and you are just enough, and nothing will change that. You are loved, and you are not alone.

I love you,
E.