August 9, 2010

Anonymous Posts

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Not much to say, y'all. I'm home (!) and getting ready to head down to Duke in a week and a half. Getting in as many bagels and pizza slices as possible.

Also! Our good friend Swapanthi emailed in and alerted Us of the National Organization for Marriage rally in Raleigh tomorrow from 12-1. They are so much so The Worst (remember this gem?) and at a lot of the stops along their NOM MARRIAGE BUS TOUR 2010, counter-protesters have staged awesome parades, etc. I've been checking up with the NOM Tour Trackers throughout - scroll through the posts to find some awesome footage.

Anyway! Posts for this week!

I was outed last weekend for the first time. A text came at 3 AM telling me, "i'm so so sorry but I told ------ and -------- about you. I didn't mean to and I understand if you never want to talk to me again. Please forgive me." Had this text come about 6 months ago, I would have been completely terrified of the results. My friend told two people from my small hometown where a friendly attitude towards the LGBT community doesn't really exist- and this is a place where news spreads like wildfire. Thankfully over the past several months I've become, day by day, more and more comfortable with my sexuality and more and more comfortable with others knowing. That being said, I still strongly believe that it's not anyone's place to divulge information on other's sexual preferences. Forgiving this long-time friend was easy, but I'm still quite a bit frustrated at the fact that it happened. Should I not be? When I told my close friends, should I just have assumed that it would slip at some point?

I check my ex's facebook almost every week. I'd never take her back, but I'm afraid I won't ever get over her.

Sometimes I just tell myself that my future girlfriend is just in in my next class, the upcoming hallway or at tomorrow's social event. I tell myself that we're just hours or seconds away from finally meeting each other. But my biggest fear is not that I won't meet her, but that I won't recognize her. I'm afraid she'll end up being so deep into the closet that I won't know her when I see her.

It sucks that so many things in my head are so tangled: sexual orientation, trust issues, intimacy issues, sexuality in general, bodily integrity and imbalanced hormones, my medications...I just want to understand what's going on in my body and in my head and for it all to work correctly.

“One has not only an ability to perceive the world but an ability to alter one's perception of it; more simply, one can change things by the manner in which one looks at them.”

This week in California, a judge struck down Prop 8 as unconstitutional. Great news. Unfortunately, not everyone sees it as such. To me, marriage for all is a fundamental right. But my ethos is kinda shot in this rhetoric as a gay guy fighting for gay rights. Regardless, it seems logically right to eliminate discrimination by sexual orientation. There are so many, however, that do not perceive this topic similarly. So many people are so stubborn in their beliefs that gay marriage is immoral. But I must say, I am just as stubborn in my belief; and of course, I see myself as correct. But am I? More importantly, is there a right answer? Is there truth? As the quote asserts, everything in the world is what we make of it. Truth changes as our perceptions of it change. Our society today perceives itself as being more “advanced” than previous societies. Such as the truth American society once believed that it was morally acceptable to enslave blacks. That blacks were biologically subservient to whites. Contemporary society has progressed past this “truth.” But what are we progressing toward? Is there some ultimate, universal truth waiting to be reached? I don’t think so. Societies’ truths will be ever changing, or “progressing”. No absolute truth can be achieved, as no absolute truth exists. The ideals, emotions, and logic of each individual are concomitant with one’s perceptions of the world, not of an absolute truth imposed by the world. So for this debate concerning gays and gay marriage, can I really believe I am right? If there is no truth, then there is no wrong. But there is. Those opposing gay marriage are wrong. This is of course according to my perceptions. So if I have deconstructed the idea that there is a truth/the right answer, then what is left? Just us. Ourselves, our society, and our perceptions of the world. We are doomed as a society and as a race to transient truths and to logically based but emotionally driven perceptions. But I do believe (hope?) we are progressing (slowly) as a society to creating a truth that homosexuality is neither immoral nor unnatural. I guess there's no palpable point to this post other than the idea we see and understand things not as they are but as we are.


  1. #5: This will sound super cliche, but acceptance is truth. It's the only truth. So keep on loving everyone with all the stubbornness you got :)

  2. To #1:

    I'm sorry to hear what happened - I think you definitely have the right to be frustrated and it's quite understandable considering your situation. I was outed by a person I thought I could trust in my last year of high school and I remember feeling much the way you do - hurt and frustrated. Expecting it to happen doesn't lessen the blow much either. It's my belief that when something's told in trust, it should stay that way.

    That being said, I'm glad that you feel comfortable with yourself - that's commendable and takes a lot of courage, especially coming from a small town environment. Good luck with dealing with the fallout and know that you're incredibly strong for having come this far already.

  3. #1: You have to first consider the circumstances, because if this close friend thought that the other person knew, then, while it's still not okay, it's understandable. You should talk to your friend about it, I know that you forgive easily because they're a long-time friend, but it's absolutely vital that they know the gravity of the situation for you. It doesn't matter that you weren't absolutely terrified, it's a sensitive issue. Good job on your progression and strength though!

    #2:Maybe you two need to talk...I'm pretty terrible with relationships myself, but if you're obsessing over someone you need to figure out why. While that may involve doing something you don't want to do and interacting with her, it might help more than you think. Just a suggestion.

    #3: It sounds as if you're drifting through life listlessly waiting like the woman waiting for her MIA husband to come back from war. I know that it's incredibly lonely and that school doesn't seem to ease it, but only provide momentary distraction. I am not going to tell you that if you just hold on, she'll find you. I stopped believing that. Just enjoy every moment of your life, you only get one go around. If you spend it waiting for someone or anyone then you lose out on so much. I find that good things don't happen, they're stumbled upon.

    #4: Maybe you need to talk it out with a confidant or a professional. Or you can just tackle it on your own. It's great that you've come to the BDU blog and tried to share your confusion, it's absolutely wonderful, in fact. Maybe if you try to write it all out and put it down, then it will become a little clearer.

    Alec: I've been doing a lot with this subject because of the recent ruling. For one, American society has prided itself on the fact that there is no solid definition and that it is forever growing and expanding. That being said, there is no universal truth, just a hopeful universal acceptance. To address your doubts about the disagreements with others and the immorality of same sex marriage, there is no argument really to be had. Whether or not a person individually believes that SSM is immoral can not and should not have an affect on your right to get married. While it's a huge flaw that our society has found in itself, personal belief and most definitely religion have no place in what is considered to be clear, blind and just law. Period, the end. There can be acceptance with time, seeing as the majority of the opponents are much older and society has become more open, but a pitfall of our society is that we are emotionally driven. The law should side against discrimination, but for every single viewpoint, there is an opposing viewpoint. It is just how the world seems to work. You can never criticize or say that what someone believes is wrong they are always personal and sacred to the individual. However, when those beliefs infringe upon the civil and human rights of others with which the person disagrees, action must be taken and justice must be got. So the point of this whole response, I guess, is that I agree with the assertion that we view society etc etc as we are and through our own bias, but when talking about societal progression, we must force ourselves to work outside and around our own flaws.

  4. #2: I check my ex's fb multiple times a day. i'm just checking to see if he's made any hot new friends though. no really.


  5. #3: Be proactive! Don't just wait around, go out to some lesbian clubs and getchu some. There's a great club called "Blue Steele" on Miami Boulevard.


  6. #2: Truth. It's fucked up because he cheated on me for at least a month before he broke up with me after dating for a very, very long time. While I worry that I won't get over him, either, I've found that the best thing for me to do is block him from my newsfeed, etc. Visiting his profile was just not healthy and not doing me any good. Like, nothing positive can come from it. Unless his status one day is like, "I just had someone lie and cheat on me after dating for a very, very long time and I now understand what a piece of garbage I was being and how that feels," it's only going to make it worse. Out of sight, out of mind, though this won't work back on campus, is how I'm approaching this for as long as I can.

  7. Have you ever been to Steele Blue? I wouldn't advise a young queer woman to go there unless the Vagina Monologues is being performed. But I agree with the sentiment that the poster needs to go out there, though not just to "get some." In addition to a gay club I would suggest that the poster go to the Center or a Women Loving Women meeting. No random closeted girl will ever go up to you- either go up to them or find an out girl to play with.

  8. #4 - I wonder if you've thought of meeting up with Janie Long at the Center, or maybe talking to someone at CAPS? I know we've mentioned them both before on the blog, but it sounds to me like you're looking to talk to somebody with some expertise, and I think they could definitely help you out, or at least point you in the right direction. Just as a sidenote though-I don't really think there is anyone who ever has it all (sexuality, gender, body, etc!) perfectly figured out themselves either. Hope you find some guidance. =)

  9. Veronica! I have been to Steele Blue, and I met tons of awesome queer women. Also, there's nothing wrong with a little hook-up now and then.


  10. MP-

    Are you woman-identified? Then we need to chat about your positive experience at Steele Blue? If you're male-identified, I'm glad you had fun, but you won't be changing my mind.
    I came off harsher than I intended when it came to "getting some." I have no problem with hooks up now and then, or even all the time. But The OP said she was looking for a girlfriend, not a hook-up. I would caution someone against *just* going to clubs or looking for hook-ups if they're really in search of a relationship.

  11. #2 - This is why Facebook invented the unfriend button (or at least the hide from newsfeed button). Use it, it'll make your life so much easier. I know it has for mine. In the real world no one expects you to be friends with your ex, so why must you in the online world.

  12. #1: I know exactly how you feel. I tried to keep my coming out a secret from most people except my close friends. Yeah, that happened exactly as I hoped. Before I knew it, people I didn't even talk to knew about me. Was I angry? To say the least, yes. And I think you have a right to be. The people you told were told in confidence that they would not tell others. However, I think you do have to remember that people talk and gossip. Sooner or later someone you didn't originally tell was going to find out. And I'm sure when you're friends told your secret, it most likely wasn't done maliciously. It's great that you've already forgiven them. Betrayal is hard to deal with but your willingness to forgive means that your friendship is stronger than that. I'm happy for you.

    #2: you're preaching to the choir!

    #3: that's why it's always important to smile and be nice to everyone you meet. take that confusion and uncertainty and use it to your advantage.

  13. #3: I don't know how related this is to the specific sentiment you expressed, but something Andrei told me in the beginning of the summer really stuck with me:

    "I am sure someone will eventually come along, just give it time (and do not look because if you look it will never happen)."

    That helped me a lot. I'm not sure if he knows that haha, but it's true. No doubt that it is a weighty statement, and debatable, but in my experience, he's right - I'd just never looked at it with that lens. The most long-lasting and rewarding things in life are not forced, and require little to no effort on anyone's part.

    Anyhow. Shout-out to Andrei.

    #4: I second what Megan says. I usually do, haha.

  14. #3: I absolutely agree with what Chris said above.

    Just over a year ago, a few months after my first (substantial) breakup, I wound up on Facebook chat talking to my ex-girlfriend (for the record, I'm a gay-identified male). I was looking at various dating sites and such and actively trying to find a boyfriend. She told me plainly that that would never work.

    Which... I mean, maybe, maybe you can get lucky from a site or something. But 99% of the time, you end up randomly running into the person somehow (or so I hear). That's how my ex and I met :P.

    Anyway, best of luck.

    #4: My luck at CAPS has been mixed, but you could certainly try the LGBT Discussion Group or Women Loving Women. And--my experience with CAPS aside--I've really heard amazing things about them. I just don't think I was very up front about what I was looking for.

    #5: This far in the battle, as an out gay (Catholic) male, I still don't know if I support same-sex marriage. I support equal rights for all, but.. marriage seems like a reserved keyword. We should call it something else, I think. But, it looks like this is the way it'll go. Hell. The more consternation it causes the Catholic (and other religious) authorities--the more it shakes up the system and makes them carefully evaluate how they're doing things, as so few people and organizations do, the better.

  15. err. Not to say that I believe everything my ex-girlfriend says. I didn't at the time. But (let's see...) 16? dates later, I'm certainly no closer. Just more experienced.

    She is always right, though, in retrospect :D

  16. A.H.,

    Yes you are right. Take this doctored-up existentialism and run with it: within our perhaps (because how could I really know?) fundamentally subjective reality predicated on limited perceptive faculties, it is still A-OK—more like essential—to make certain objective statements.

    Because how does a 'subjective' truth undermine pragmatism, the supposed general basis of policymaking?? I mean yes yes deconstruct my deconstruction if you wish, but obv. NOM + Prop 8 opponents et al are trying to impress upon a Supreme Court within the constitutional framework/fourteenth amendment their case, instead of whatever internal neuroses/religiosity guides their defense/attack mechanisms, right?

    Swati's response was perfect, and I'm actually even less interested in your own elucidation of these ideas (stick to FB chat if you want) than publically bolstering your should-be resolve about your rightness/booing at the relativism heroin junkies that can make you feel worthless. Worth noting: some of the critical theorist-cum-Marxist lit professors at Duke are RAD, others are BAD. Just FYI.