February 7, 2011

Anonymous Posts (1.31.10-2.6.11)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Super Bowl XLV was last night, Everyone. Is it just me or was it very zzzzzzzzzzzzz? Granted, I am from Long Island and have absolutely zero invested in a game between the Steelers and Packers, but even the commercials were especially lackluster? I expect lazy objectification of women in beer commercials (although also eek, GoDaddy.com. Eek.) and non-sequitur car commercials, but there's usually at least one other funny meme. And this year it was just slapstick and men getting hit in the groin. Hahaha, that had to hurt! Great work! 2011!

But then, of course, we were saved.

MMM. You know me too well, Glee. What're you doing "Whatta Man" next week? #amiright? This was a solid episode, if not clearly tailored to the residual Super Bowl audience that has never seen Glee before (the "there can only be one extra-curricular you're involved in because of how high school works" conflict is kind of tired). But OH MAN, Karofsky. That kid. So exhausting! And yet so Awww (he's in Stage 3 :/). I don't want to give away any spoilers, but I'm really hoping that Karofsky soon realizes he was Born This Way.

Valentine's Day episode tomorrow, You Womens, which will certainly feature a song with Blaine and Kurt. RIP Me, I guess. Good knowing you, Me!

Anyways. Other quick hits:

- Like these pages for The Center and This Blog on Facebook. Do it.
- We're looking to get photos of BDU/Center events online (like, on the FB pages), but don't want to picture anyone who's not comfortable with this. So I'm keeping a running list of people who are willing to have their photo up - email me (bluedevilsunited@gmail.com) if this includes you?

Mhm. Alright! Anonymous Posts! #yessir!

From a slightly advanced vantage point:

Four years out of Duke I was surprised when I saw a reference to this blog while browsing The Chron, procrastinating crunching numbers for a bank. The funny thing is that while I never would have guessed that such an infrastructure existed at Duke, I was not at all shocked to read the linked posting in which a closeted frat star verbalized the internal conflict that he was experiencing while trying to balance liking dudes and his self perception as a "normal guy" (nay, a badass).

I look back on my time at Duke with no regrets, and the thing is, Duke is a weird place. As a homo who can pound a handle and who predates a well known gay KA who actually opened up a lot of peoples eyes, I feel compelled to post and offer some perspective, because my life changed when I graduated (for the better). Gone were the booze fueled, drug induced late night section romps with a select few (some of whom, to the discredit of Duke and broader southern culture, are now married). I struggled with those, not knowing what to think or feel or why I valued them or how to make myself blase about the possibility of another, and another, and another. Although it seemed like it at the time, I was not the only one who was actually into it, and certainly not the only Dukie who felt alone because I and everyone I hooked up with were to cool to care, to scared (of themselves, but really of others) to be honest, and too wedded to an ideal to acknowledge the possibility of others. Its not trivializing anyone's experience to say that at 25 in NYC, in a crowd of gay bankers and consultants and lawyers, many of whom can bench press you before drinking you under the table, its kind of a running joke how macho and closeted and hollow a lot of Duke experiences are.

Like 99% of the population, you have to adjust, and you have to make choices. My choice has been to stop hanging out with all the Dukies, to make friends with guys who went to *gasp* BC, to put myself in positions where I never thought Id be and that aren't 100% comfortable, in order to maintain an identity of someone who is smart, cool, good looking (OK, Ill stop), and private. And a 'mo. And you don't believe it now, but trust me, if you compromise your Duke indoctrination which is largely based on insecurity anyway, open yourself up to being friends with people from different schools, places, and industries, you will not have to compromise your masculinity, your interests, your friends, or your level of comfort with your own sexuality. I promise. And thats an easy promise to make, because organic self development will take care of half the battle anyway.

I hope Duke changes (and while the freshman Dukie in me says its lame, this blog is an awesome start), but that embarrassing conflict is its challenge. The things that make Duke great are the same things that drive you crazy. With respect to social culture, I think thats fairly unique. My Georgetown LAX friends, my homo Chicago and Williams friends, my Australian athlete friends are in NYC and have no problem with whoever you want to love (or just bang). So four years out, my unsolicited advice to the individual in question: get over it, and get to it. The world you hate yourself for wanting, the promise youve already dismissed, the social circle youre too scared to hope for exists, and is waiting for you. Maybe not with open arms, but since you're a rockstar with the balls to post on this blog while there are 20 more like you just lurking, something tells me youll be just fine.

Well, I just got back from Wednesday Night Shooters. Funny thing is, I had the option to go back with either my sort-of-boyfriend-ish-person or my roommate, whom I'm in love with. I picked her. She's now asleep, and obviously doesn't give a shit that I picked her. Or maybe she does; I just would never know it, and probably will never know it. He doesn't know it either, but he'll probably always play second fiddle to her. Neither of them knows. This is my own little secret, and I'm worried I'll carry it to the grave.

All guys want is sex...that's it. I thought I was a gay girl for the past two years but then I started falling for this guy...until he told me he wanted to be fuck buddies. No feelings involved at all. Me being my dumb self said no but the next day I still went to hang out with him at his room. "Maybe he'll still fall for me" I thought. We made out and did other things and at the end he said "Now don't let your feelings get involved." It seems like all guys are like this, I can't handle it. Girls are different, right? Or am I just fooling myself. I don't want sex, I just want love.

I've only been out for about a year, and I'm already frustrated at being gay at Duke. The number of gay men here on campus is so small. There are a few guys I'm attracted to, and a few I've hooked up with, but all they're interested in is sex and the superficiality of it all makes me want to dissociate from romantic endeavors entirely. I know it's unfair to expect to find my soul mate within a population that hovers around 75, but I don't know how to expand into the triangle other than by signing up for some sketchy site online (which doesn't appeal to me). Only a few people from unc and ncstate visit duke, and as far as I can tell only a few people are involved in the lgbt club at unc, so attending their events isn't too enticing. The gay clubs I've been are always relatively empty or frequented by the same people each night. I know UNC has to have more options for me--it's almost 3 times the size at Duke--but I have no idea of how to engage with the less mainstream gay population there that hovers under the radar. I suppose I could just hop on the roberston, find a corner on Franklin street, and gaydar each guy as they pass, but that seems inefficient. Anyone else out there feel constrained by how small our community is, and anyone have some tips? I would really like to be in some sort of a relationships at least by next semester...


  1. #3:
    All some guys want is sex...true. A lot of males you'll find in college are not at a stage in their life to commit. BUT the same could be said of females. Not all females want to get caught up in love and a heavily committed relationship either. It's simple: issues with commitment/valuing sex over relationship will vary with each person regardless of gender. Society tells us that men want sex and females want love and that is not always true. Another thing to note, love develops over time with trials and experiences. Have your standards and boundaries...you don't owe anyone sex and you're entitled to have feelings...but don't rush love (:

  2. Hey #2!

    I'm not sure if we've met in person or not, but I'm glad you posted this. I remember I used to think I'd never come out...sort of like what you hint at in the last line of your post. I also remember feeling tons of feelings for my (amazing!) female friends, but being stuck with dating men and feinging some sort of attraction to guys.

    I guess what I would say, is that at the time, I could not even have imagined what life could have been like as anything but a closeted woman. I could never have told you that within less than a year, I'd come out to friends and be able to comfortably express my attraction to women (and subsequent dates, what?!), and experience the incredible awesomeness of living out my sexuality and attraction. I would have never, ever, believed any of it-if you had even tried to tell me, I would have laughed and said, forget it, I'm not coming out. (And I definitely didn't want to come out while Duke.)

    So I don't know what your experience is, or if you're questioning, or maybe not even that. But based off what you wrote, I just wanted to let you know that there was definitely a time in my life when I didn't want to even admit that I was questioning, but once I did, it opened up a lot of incredible doors and opportunities for me, opportunities that I could not have even dreamed about-they were so much better than even that.

    Good luck! You have a whole community of support here, if that's what you want, and I'd be more than happy to talk to you (although I'm abroad), if you'd feel comfortable with that: meganweinand@gmail.com.


  3. Hey #4:

    Not finding what you're looking for is very frustrating. Especially when you only have a very small population to peruse. I've also noticed the small size of our community. But I think that's just the downside of going to a smaller institution like Duke as opposed to a state school like UNC. So, I think it's a great idea to explore areas outside of Duke because that's the only way to meet more people. I'm pretty sure there's a Facebook page or some kind of website that would detail different LGBTQ events going on around the triangle area. If you've made friends at UNC or NC State, then see if you can just hang out with them for a weekend and get to meet more people that way. Networking is a great tool.

    I would caution you however to not put a time limit on love or being in a relationship. When you do that, you tend to force yourself into something that you may not be happy with. But take the first step and do some research into other options around the triangle and then get to know other people.

  4. #3 I can tell you as a senior that NOT all guys at Duke are like that guy you had the misfortune of interacting with. I'd say that he represents a minority of guys here. Don't give up on getting what you want, because it's definitely out there. And certainly don't blame yourself for that one guy not liking you. It's just the circumstances.

  5. #1: Infinity number of props and love. Seriously.

    #3: You can't really generalize men on that one guy that you fell for who doesn't really feel the same. As a female, I'm not entirely proud to admit that I've been like that to a guy who seemed to have fallen for me and I still haven't gotten the guts to completely apologize to him and luckily he's moved on just fine.

    You might just have had bad luck with this one, my recommendation would be not to completely give up on men just because one turned out to be a toad.

    #4: I completely agree with the second point that AJ made about not putting a time limit on love, first of all.

    Second, as a UNC student I'm telling you that you must leave Duke. If you're judging the size of UNC's and State's LGBT population based on the number of people at YOUR center then you're not taking in to account the relative hassel it is to get large groups over to Duke. It is kind of a hassel.

    Also, to speak for both state schools, the LGBT population is bigger, it's proud and most of all, it's so very alive. From the few GLBTCA meetings that I've been to, State has an incredible and ever-growing population of LGBT identified people. Also, as a board member in UNC's group I can tell you that we have a pretty large (if not factioned, as always) LGBT community. I can't guarantee you'll find THE one, but if you expand to other areas and go to people rather than always expecting them to come to you, you'll significantly increase the probability of finding someone compatible. Have a little faith.

  6. #4 Just a quick comment... your characterization of the gay scene at UNC is completely wrong. From what I hear, the gay population is thriving (perhaps even too big). You should go to a GLBTSA meeting some Thursday. I'm been meaning to go, but haven't made it over there yet. Anyway, there's definitely a world outside Duke.

  7. #4) You and every other gay at Duke have said this exact same thing. Y'all seriously: stop JUDGING every other person so much and trivializing all of them into this tiny box of superficiality, because if not, it just perpetuates this far-from-true stereotype.

    It's probably not true that someone hasn't tried to start a relationship with you - it's just that they probably weren't attractive. So, I'd discourage you from making overarching statements about the promiscuity of all gays.

  8. #2: You are not alone. I have had this conversation three times today, with separate women who have fallen in love, or fell in love, with their roommates. I did it, too. I can't give you an easy solution, but know that you're not alone.