Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)
So The Grammys were last night and boy were they just great. Great work, The Grammys! Lady Gaga showed up in an egg (NBD) before performing the hell out of Born This Way, which came out (lol) last week.
Listen. I know there are mixed feelings about BTW.
I just don't quite understand them. "It sounds too much like Express Yourself." Well, sort of. Yeah. But you know what's a great song? Express Yourself. If it has a child and that child is sung by Lady Gaga then I am okay with this.
The whole CHOLA/ORIENT thing is a little weird though.
Anyhow. There was also an Aretha tribute that included Christina, JHud and Florence. Thank you, Grammys. That'll do! That will do. And of course Arcade Fire nailed it. But I think Janelle Monae impressed me the most with this. Right though?
Dr. Dre was there, despite being a not very good hip-hop artist (did they forget HOV came out with an album this year?) and so was Gwyneth Paltrow for some reason. The Smith that is not Willow made an appearance on stage with JBIEB 4EVR <33333. Bob Dylan's body was exhumed for the show.
But yeah. I'm sorry for blowing up everyone's news feeds last night with every thought ever (one read "LMFAO LMFAO" after this exchange). I'm sure it won't happen again tomorrow night during Glee.
Anonymous posts, yo.
I don't know if the post belongs on this blog. I think I'm hetero, for better or worse, though I like to think of my partner and I existing more in the realm of androgyny than opposite genders. But we are allies, and I've identified with posts on this blog more than any other I've ever seen. So I've thought to myself that maybe its not so out of place. I've almost posted here so many times. I just start writing as a comment to someone's post, and end up highlighting and cutting it out with a single stroke of the backspace key.
This time I hit "command + c" & "command + v" (or "control" for all you PC users).
This time it was Summer Puente's post about how not to come out. I've always thought her to be one of the strongest, most beautiful, and smartest individuals I've had the chance to briefly meet - I'll admit to an small brain-crush. Reading her post about her father making an effort to make everything okay made me cry a little and ask myself, "If I don't have the nerve to post as anonymous on a blog, how will I ever tell my parents?"
I have had a relationship that my parents don't approve of for a little over 3.5 years. I started out by trying to be honest with them. I told them I was excited about this new relationship. That even though it seemed like a bad idea, that it felt more appropriate than anything I had ever done. My partner and I sat at my kitchen table and tried to argue why, even if it were irrational, why we should be together. We all yelled an cried, my mom told us we were clinically insane. Then, a few weeks after it began, they wouldn't let my partner in the house, and my mother asked me to go to counseling at CAPS.
I've never understood why my parents hated my decision so much. They talked a lot about how I should be single going to Duke, how my partner was holding me back. Maybe it was true. Maybe we held each other back. But I had never met anyone like that. My partner is unique, from a different time or a different place, I don't know. But I refused to give up on the chance of getting to know this extraordinary individual. So I had the fights. It got petty. A few members of my family took to calling my partner "Fugly." I found ways to not go home. I found ways to cut them out of my life. Except for my dad, who stood up for me in every way he could that wouldn't destroy his marriage. My dad and I actually grew closer - as long as we didn't talk about my romantic life.
Two years after that, my parents said if we didn't break up, they'd stop contributing to paying for anything in my life: from my college education to health insurance. I was shocked that my liberal parents, who've offered to adopt my homosexual friends, were about to disown me. I was abroad at the time, I skyped the Duke Financial Aid Office and I found out that Duke wont maintain an undergrad with no financial backing. So, after a long fight, we decided to go underground. We've been secret for almost two years.
It's odd, being secret made things easier between us. We no longer had to talk about the fact that my parents didn't approve. I didn't have to fight with them any more. What they never tell you about having a rejected relationship is that every little argument a normal couple has turns into an argument about how best to deal with the hate directed at you. But, as a secret, we are together, not divided. Just secret. We cannot hope for approval, so the secrecy is a wonderful reprieve.
The hardest part is actually the internet.In the physical public, we can live pretty freely, we look like we don't belong at Duke (one time the people at the Link asked if my partner needed to be escorted out of the building) but that never hurt my feelings. No hate speech, no particularly funny looks, no fights with drunken strangers defending our love. We can walk around freely and pretend everything is normal. Because we don't have to hide from everyone, just from a small set of people.
But the virtual public is another case entirely. If Facebook is where our memories are stored, then my relationship would fall so deep into oblivion it could not be recovered.There are two photos tagged of us together. One is of a cup, the other, we are standing 3 feet apart. It may seem shallow, but it hurts so badly when some mechanism deep inside of Facebook clicks and suggests that I "get in touch" with the person I've been in love with for the past 3.5 years. This blog post will be the first publicly published admission of our relationship, and even this much makes me nervous because I know I will be recognized. But I'm trusting to chance that my parents wont see it. I feel like I owe it to someone, maybe just myself, to admit in some open forum that my relationship exists.
Now that I'm about to graduate, I simply don't know what to do. In college, it's easy, they don't know about my life. But if we live together, don't I eventually have to tell my parents? Or will I keep having nightmares of my partner hiding in bathrooms and closets, behind shower curtains and winter coats? What do you do when you love your parents even when they hate part of your life? How do I tell my dad, who has been a fairly innocent bystander for all this, that I've been lying to him for years?
I guess that is about enough of my first-world problems - I don't have to hide from the whole world so it can't be too bad. But then, why do I feel so fake when I laugh all this off?
I don't label myself because I don't know what that label would say. Not gay, not necessarily bi, and definitely not straight. Queer seems like a good word. I know what I like when I see it. But trying to explain that, or trying to define it just seems to take me in circles. I'm still questioning, and I often wonder where I fit in here at Duke. How do you get involved with LGBTQ activities when you're still so closeted? But if you're still hiding that part of yourself, how can you ever expect to find someone, right? I'm tired of being lonely.
At the beginning of high school, I never really questioned my sexuality. At the same time, I'd never had a boyfriend, but I'd always been physically attracted to boys. It felt good and normal. And then, sophomore year, I got really close to one of my friends, and for one reason or another I kept craving more and more time with her. It was what one might call a "girl crush" or perhaps a "personality crush" in my case. We were affectionate, but that wasn't abnormal for my group of friends. I may have realized I was attracted to her, but I didn't think much of it until, at a party, a gay friend of a friend (male) asked us if we were dating. Immediately, we both got freaked out and quickly answered no. The affection began to stop, as did our friendship. At points, I fooled myself into thinking I had/still did love her. I realize that wasn't true at all, but afterward I began to see women as more attractive. I had mini crushes after that, which I of course classified as all "girl crushes" which meant nothing. After a while, the feelings for women wore off and I was relieved to feel "straight" again. I dated a number of guys and had a strong connection to one of them.
Coming to Duke, however, I have started to feel an attraction toward women again. As much as I'm supportive of LGBTQ individuals (my best friend from home is a lesbian), I can't bring myself to honestly address my feelings. It's not that I don't like men, I definitely do. What is confusing is that I'm trying to decide whether I identify as bisexual or not. I don't know if it's just the "excitement" or "danger" of being with a woman that entices me or if it's something else. I worry that no one will want to date me if I'm bisexual because I "swing both ways" or may be "more prone to cheating" or whatever. I feel that, if I come out as bisexual, women wouldn't actually be interested in me and I would just put myself through judgement for nothing. Sometimes I feel as if I need an experience with a woman to decide for sure, before I label myself. But it seems that there's no way for women to know I'm interested if I don't identify as bisexual. Any advice?
I’m a closeted, junior male. Until very recently I was pretty much committed to living my life as if I were straight and just marrying a woman I found myself compatible with and who I thought would be an enjoyable and productive partner to spend the rest of my life with. So to a degree I never really accepted to myself that I was gay; I felt like it didn’t matter because it wouldn’t be worth the hassle to be ‘out’ and have relationships with guys. Over this winter break I guess I would say I ‘came out’ to myself, even though I pretty much had known for years that I was gay—I said it aloud and typed it in a word document. Then I came back to campus and found myself thinking about guys a lot and wanting to come out to friends. I was really surprised how much my outlook changed after affirming to myself something I had known for years.
So now I guess I’m at the point where I want my friends to know, but am afraid of that information changing the dynamic of our group (I know they’re not gonna hate me or anything, but I just love what we have so much, I don’t want it to change in any way). At the same time, I’m not sure I would find being out at Duke to be particularly rewarding. I honestly can’t see myself becoming that involved in the lgbt community, because of a combination of not wanting gayness to define me and fear of not fitting in. I’m pretty quiet and don’t make friends easily, and I think that going to some sort of Center activity would be very stressful and uncomfortable for me. I like the idea of having a boyfriend or a guy I hook up with but don’t know how I would meet him/get into that sort of a situation when I have no connection to other gay community.
So basically I want to be convinced that being out at Duke would be worth it… and I guess my apprehensions go beyond life at Duke. Life being openly gay just seems so much more complicated in ways that I don’t want to deal with when I have a lot of other goals. I guess I’m just not much of a romantic, but I feel like everything is a trade-off, and if other aspects of my life would be better if I remained closeted, then maybe that’s the better choice?
I almost got outed during the dialogue after the Me Too monologues. That would have been funny. It would have been an appropriate time, albeit a bit ironic.
I went to a party the other night. I tried flirting with a guy. I don't know how effective it was. I think I come off as flirtatious with everyone. But I thought this one guy was attractive and cool. I stayed until he left.
I wonder how I come off to people. Do people think I'm gay? Do people think I'm straight? Sometimes I assume people think I'm gay (if not gay, then asexual, but who's really asexual?). That might be an insecurity. The only having a brief girlfriend once. The close platonic friendships with girls. The lack of stereotypical machismo. And yet, some people talk about how I'm a straight, white male. I suppose I should correct them.
Two years ago I had a big crush on a guy. We became friends, I enamored with him, him oblivious to my feelings, I presume. I sort of came out to him before that semester ended. Subtly. I just sent him an email, sort of in honor of valentines day, trying to express the emotions I had or have. I'm pretty much over him.
I emailed the guy I met at the party the other night.
I'm trying to put myself out there.