Kind of a Senior Post; or Who Really Knows Anything, Anyway?

Y’all, I kind of don’t know what to write. I’ve entered that point in the semester where I don’t have enough time to sit down and go over all the things I have to do because I have so many things to do. I know I’m not alone in that – so many of my friends are writing theses, or applying for jobs or study abroad, or rehearsing for recitals, or preparing furiously for yet another round of midterms. (Seriously, though – what is up with multiple midterms? It’s my senior year here and I still don’t understand the point. But I digress.) In addition to all of that, those of us who are nearing graduation are starting to think about what we’ll be doing after college, when we’re not trying desperately to forget that there is life after college.

I actually have it pretty easy: I know that, barring something apocalyptic, I’m going to graduate school next year to eventually earn my PhD. But everything other than that hard fact is in a scary state of flux. I don’t know where I’m going to live – there are no Room Picks for apartments, and I’m not even 100% sure where I’ll be, geographically speaking. I don’t know anybody at any of the schools to which I have applied, and I’ll be leaving most of my friends – and my girlfriend - here in North Carolina (or wherever they’re going after graduation). I don’t even know what my place will be within the LGBTQA community at my future institution. A good deal of my sense of self and personal growth is due to my involvement, however much or little over the years, in Duke’s LGBTQA community. I know where I fit at Duke, and now, just as I’ve gotten comfortable, I must leave to make a new place for myself somewhere else. So, given all of that uncertainty, is it any wonder that I don’t know what to write for this blog?

In which I return, a changed man.

It's been a long summer, and even longer since I last wrote. A lot has changed! Among other things, I no longer feel the need to use a pseudopic on this blog, so now I am fully de-anonymized. Say hi if you see me!

I also came out to my parents, and they pretty much said they don't want to see me again for another decade, but I don't want to talk about that yet. (I actually can't talk about it yet. My throat closes right up.)

Instead, I want to talk about the changes that make me happy. I came out at work, finally, so I don't have to sit next to a sign with my girl name in all-caps when I'm on shift. It's changed in most of the internal systems too; I had a coworker comment that there was apparently a new guy named Lawrence, and when I told him it was me, he congratulated me.

Last semester, I had a lot of angst about how to come out in classes. This time around, I actually had Lawrence [LastName] as my 'preferred name' in ACES. It turns out that ACES is kind of an asshole about 'preferred names' so my teachers were given the name "Lavinia Bandersnatch (Lawrence)"* but that is a rant for another post. The important part is, all my profs either asked for Lawrence, or let us introduce ourselves and marked me down as Lawrence with no fuss.

Better than that: in French class, we were doing a group exercise where we had to mingle and find people who fit certain categories. I was the only senior, and the following beautiful exchange happened:

Classmate [talking to someone else]: She's a senior--

Me: He, sorry.

Classmate: Oh, I'm sorry! [Turning back to the other person.] He's a senior...

In another class, I happened to already know one of the other students. Before class started, I told him that I'd changed my name and I was going by Lawrence now, and he congratulated me. "That's really exciting news!" he said.

I don't use my "polite girl voice" so much. I've used men's rooms three times, and even used the men's shower earlier this week. I got turned down for a date because the girl in question was a lesbian - and yeah, that counts as good news! I bind every day. I'm pretty sure my tits have actually shrunk a cup size, which is a miracle I try not to investigate too thoroughly in case it reverses itself - but they don't weigh so heavily any more, physically or psychologically.

A close friend actually commented that I seemed much more masculine since I'd left for the summer. She thought maybe I'd started T, but I think I've just been settling into my skin. It's a good feeling.

*Ok, that's a lie, it didn't really say Lavinia Bandersnatch, it had my legal girl name on it. But I don't give that out any more so you get a fake name. I think it has a certain je ne sais quoi, don't you?