Kind of a Senior Post; or Who Really Knows Anything, Anyway?

Y’all, I kind of don’t know what to write. I’ve entered that point in the semester where I don’t have enough time to sit down and go over all the things I have to do because I have so many things to do. I know I’m not alone in that – so many of my friends are writing theses, or applying for jobs or study abroad, or rehearsing for recitals, or preparing furiously for yet another round of midterms. (Seriously, though – what is up with multiple midterms? It’s my senior year here and I still don’t understand the point. But I digress.) In addition to all of that, those of us who are nearing graduation are starting to think about what we’ll be doing after college, when we’re not trying desperately to forget that there is life after college.

I actually have it pretty easy: I know that, barring something apocalyptic, I’m going to graduate school next year to eventually earn my PhD. But everything other than that hard fact is in a scary state of flux. I don’t know where I’m going to live – there are no Room Picks for apartments, and I’m not even 100% sure where I’ll be, geographically speaking. I don’t know anybody at any of the schools to which I have applied, and I’ll be leaving most of my friends – and my girlfriend - here in North Carolina (or wherever they’re going after graduation). I don’t even know what my place will be within the LGBTQA community at my future institution. A good deal of my sense of self and personal growth is due to my involvement, however much or little over the years, in Duke’s LGBTQA community. I know where I fit at Duke, and now, just as I’ve gotten comfortable, I must leave to make a new place for myself somewhere else. So, given all of that uncertainty, is it any wonder that I don’t know what to write for this blog?

WOMYN Wednesday

First, I want to send a huge thank you to everyone who has submitted to WOMYN! Our next issue is going to be wonderful! We would still love to have some ideas for cover art, so if you want to help with that please talk to Robert Kollenberg, our Senior Layout Editor, or email womynatduke@gmail.com as soon as possible. Finally, if you want to submit something but missed the deadline, please talk to me (Jennifer).

Okay, so that's pretty much it for WOMYN news, although we will keep you in the loop in the weeks to come! I would now like to offer a (tangentially related) personal musing. Read on if you wish.

Applications for graduate programs in my field opened on September 1. So, I've been working hard to whip my C.V. into shape, find professors willing to write references, and write a compelling personal statement. One thing I had to think about a lot was whether to disclose my involvement with the BDU blog and WOMYN - not because they're not important to me (because they really are!), but because it would mean coming out to more people, specifically the professors who are writing reference letters for me. Oh, of course it's not a blatant kind of coming out. Rather, it's the ambiguous kind that leaves room for so many awkward questions and assumptions.

I wouldn't consider myself super closeted at Duke, but there are some situations in which I don't think coming out is a useful or relevant act. My professors don't need to know I'm queer in order to write me a letter of reference, and graduate programs don't need to know in order to decide whether I'm a good candidate. Thus, coming out seems like an overshare. However, I've been fighting (with myself, with peer pressure, etc.) for years to be fully myself, and expunging all LGBTQ-related activities from my C.V. and things would feel like lying or going back in the closet. It's a weird situation for me. I've basically decided to leave that information in, but to offer no explanation. I would rather show my involvement with activities that are important to me and open myself up to questions and assumptions than erase them from the story I tell to recommenders and graduate schools.

When Winter Break Starts Feeling Too Long...

I didn’t want my blog entries to be about me—I wanted them to be about other people. Find, learn, and record the very important stories of my peers. That was my goal. That was why I wanted to participate as a writer, even though I’m very critical of my writing ability.

But it’s winter break, I just came out to my dad, and I’m freaking out, so please forgive the creative license I’m taking here. I hope you don’t mind if I’m using this blog as a tool for some of my own thought processes that I need to go through. I’m expecting that getting this out will help me from feeling so trapped. I’m going to try and speak in general terms, since this is going online and we seem to have many readers. But I want to be honest and as transparent as possible.

I’m hurting a lot. I don’t know if it’s because being home is hard, or if it’s because my dad and I haven’t had a follow up conversation yet, or if it’s because I feel stuck, or if it’s because I’m changing faster than the people around me. It’s probably a combination of all of these things. And I’m not known for my patience.