The Exceedingly Enthralling Adventures of Jennifer: Part the First

This post is going to be a little bit different from previous Wednesday posts. I said in my very first post that I would be sharing some of my story with you in addition to putting up the WOMYN Wednesday polls. (You should totally take them and share them with your friends, by the way!)

I thought I would tell you one of my coming-out stories. As I’m sure you know, coming out can be a huge and drawn-out process, as well as an uncomfortable or frightening experience. This particular coming-out experience happened at the beginning of last Fall.

I live in the Wellness Community, in Crowell G. For those of you who aren’t familiar with it, we’re a substance-free community that focuses on mindful, healthy living. It’s a great mix of people of all faith traditions, backgrounds, majors, personality types, etc. As part of an effort to build a stronger sense of community, our RC, Laura Kirkland, had decided that we would all go on a mandatory, day-long retreat to Camp New Hope. I was very nervous about it for many reasons: I’m pretty shy, so large groups of people make me nervous, and I generally dislike team-building exercises; I was overloading in a big way that semester, so I already had a ton of work to do; and I had just begun coming to terms with my sexuality, but I wasn’t really out to many people.

Despite my fears, the retreat began well. Laura had some ice-breakers that were new to me, and very fun, and there was food, which is never a bad thing. The more time I spent with the other members of Wellness, the more I realized that we had a lot in common. Of course, it helped that everyone was very nice. The difficult part was soon to come, though.

One of the Wellness requirements is that you have a SMART Goal - that is, a Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Timely goal. For a lot of people, the SMART Goal had to do with one of the more obvious/traditional parts of “living well” – sleep, nutrition, or exercise. But mine was different – I wanted to be more out and visible on campus by the end of the year. Here’s the rub: we had to write our goals down and give them to Laura, and then we had to discuss them with the other Wellness members. “Oh, what a perfect opportunity to start achieving your goal, Jennifer!” you might exclaim. Well, yes and no. It definitely would have given me a jump start. But, you see, I wasn’t ready yet – I had only just met some of these people, and I didn’t know their views about LGBTQ people/issues. Furthermore, I didn’t really want to be “that queer girl” – I am so much more than my sexuality. So, I compromised – I wrote down my real goal, but I made up a fake one to tell the other Wellness members. However, at that moment I decided that I had to tell my roommate as soon as possible.

When we returned from the retreat, I asked my RA for a Roommate Agreement Form – the one that you can use to inform your roommate about your sleep and study habits, as well as to make some of the other compromises that come with sharing a room (such a cunning plan for setting the stage, I know). My roommate, K, and I went over that form together – we had pretty similar habits, so that wouldn’t be a source of conflict. We came to the last question, which was a prompt for either of us to voice any concerns or information not covered in the questionnaire. At that point, I came out to her and then said something like, “I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfortable, but if it does, there’s still time to make a roommate change.” I was so nervous, y’all; K was really nice and seemed like she would be a great roommate, but we didn’t really know each other. You know what her response was when I told her that I was queer? “Oh, I kind of figured.” And that was it! Well, not really – throughout the year, I realized that she was a) such a good Ally, and b) totally willing to discuss LGBTQ/feminist/civil rights issues with me. Awesome, right? I couldn’t ask for a better roommate, or a better friend! Her fabulous response and support encouraged me to work towards achieving my SMART Goal, and that coming-out experience was the first of many. They haven't really gotten easier, but I now know that there are so many people, from so many different groups on campus, who are supportive and wonderful.

(P.S. It would be awesome if you wanted to share some of your stories, either in the comments or as submissions to WOMYN. The womynatduke@gmail.com Inbox is achingly empty - last year's submissions are desperate for some young, hip company! You know, WOMYN is kind of like Google+ : magazines need submissions like social networks need people. Otherwise, neither of them is very fun.)

Nonentity- Consistently Falling Under the Radar

[In addition to all of our awesome visible and identifying columnists, we also have some awesome anonymous columnists that for one reason or another must use a pseudonym (and pseudopic?). Details on anonymous columnists here.]

“Bisexuality is a choice,” he said.

A choice? How?

Do gay men choose to be attracted to men? Do lesbians choose to be attracted to women? If you asked them, I’m sure the majority would say, “No, I was born this way” or, “No, this isn’t a choice.” And I believe it isn’t. Why would anyone choose to be a minority? A minority often not respected by the whole, a minority struggling for rights and respect and acknowledgement. No, if anything there is nothing to gain (especially not in this day and age) from being gay, bi, lesbian, etc.

Bisexuality isn’t a way for me to be “gay, but less gay” than others, nor is it way for me to have a broader catalogue of selection, and it certainly isn't a way for me to be a slut and over-indulge in the carnal pleasures of life (in fact, I’m a strange combination of asexual and bisexual, mainly because I’m content without dating/relationships and do not actively seek them). I can’t give a reason for bisexuality, but to me it’s merely attraction to both men and women. The same way a heterosexual is attracted to the opposite sex and the same way a homosexual is attracted to the same sex. Perhaps it’s different for others. Perhaps other bisexuals chose to be the way they are, but I sure as hell didn’t. I’m just attracted to both men and women. I can’t explain how or why, but I am. Why can’t people just accept and acknowledge that?

Of course, I’m not expecting everyone to accept and acknowledge the fact that bisexuals exist. My parents… well, specifically my mom, is the kind of person I’d expect this sort of shallow thinking from. She’s convinced that the only two lesbians she knows—who are a couple—are just playing some sort of game and aren’t really into one another and are looking for husbands even though they live together and are raising a son… Yeah, shallow thinking. I wasn’t expecting much from her granted where and how she was raised (I’ll save the topic of my family for another post).

My parents, together, weren’t too accepting of me when I came out to them. I couldn’t really read them at the time and we never talked about it after that night. I was too surprised/shocked to bother with wondering about what they really thought and they were too confused. Why? Because I had said the word “bisexual”. They spent the majority of the time trying to figure out why I “was repulsed by men” (their words, not mine. I like men!) and it didn’t take me long to realize they didn’t believe bisexuality existed. I felt cornered with nowhere to go—at a loss—and there was no way I was going to tell them I was borderline asexual. I knew coming out to my parents needed to be handled swiftly and simply and I wasn’t going to complicate matters and prolong the event.

I haven’t really run into this topic again until coming to Duke. My roommate even explained to me her difficulty in grasping bisexuality when we discussed it and I’m not too sure she even believes that bisexuals exist. I sometimes wonder what she really thinks I am, but I don’t really care much. And then again, this hit me at the first BDU meeting, when Stranger-I-Didn’t-Know was asking those attending what they identified as. She asked if there were gays, lesbians, and transsexuals, (and probably more, but my memory is terrible) attending the meeting, leaving out bisexual. And then asked later, “Those who didn’t raise their hands, what do you identify as?” And then, it happened again this final time when a gay male friend of mine was talking to my roommate about homosexuality. His tirade about how “bisexuality was a choice”…

I don’t know. Maybe I’m looking too hard into this. It’s easier to notice (and perhaps extrapolate) prejudice when you fall into the minority. Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe others see the same opposition around and I should just ignore it. I’m not mad about their opinions and disbelief, just perplexed by it and curious as to whether other bisexuals have experienced the same thing; people constantly disregarding their sexuality. Whatever the case, I am what I am. I’m bisexual (for lack of a better blanket term); bisexuals do exist.