First WLW Meeting of the Semester, this Tues. 6-8pm!

Hi Duke LGBTQ & allied community!

This upcoming Tuesday (Jan. 24th) from 6-8pm in the LGBT Center, we'll be having our first Women Loving Women (WLW) meeting of the semester! Women Loving Women is a monthly dinner & discussion group for undergraduate and graduate women with an attraction, or questioning an attraction, to women. (No labels!) The meeting itself (and listserv) are private in order to respect varying levels of "out"-ness of attendees.

This month's topic was suggested by a member (thanks!)...and it's relationships! How do we interact with queer women who we're friends with-vs. queer women we'd like to be in a relationship with? What about straight women (or questioning straight women)? And how do we interact with men we're friends with-vs. men we'd like to be in a relationship with? Do challenges ever arise-and if so, how do we navigate them based on our identity and the identity of the other individual? SO MANY QUESTIONS - yay for WLW this Tuesday to discuss it!! [Yes that is a picture from the movie "Saving Face"-best LGBTQ relationships movie EVER.]

If you have any questions you'd like us to ask at the meeting, feel free to email me at mrw22@duke.edu...and we'll throw it out there for discussion!

Be sure to email RSVP to Colleen at colleen.warner@duke.edu (with your vegetarian/non-veg. meal preference), and see you this Tuesday night at 6pm in the LGBT Center!

-Megan

Let's Get Real

Tonight is the second meeting of the LGBTQ men’s discussion group and the focus of tonight’s conversation will be on navigating the social scene within the community. So, I’m going to use this blog post as a jumping off point for discussion. Of course, these are only my opinions based on my personal experiences. I welcome any conversation you’d like to have about anything I say here (or you can just come to the discussion group meeting tonight at 6:30pm in the LGBT Center).

Anonymous post #2 from this week really struck a chord with me. I read that one and immediately became infuriated because this is a problem I’ve seen come up time and time again in the gay community, especially among the men. As soon as there is a rumor that there’s some new guy that is out or in the process of coming out, everyone just has to find out who he is and what it looks like. This sickens me to my stomach because this seems to be the only time when the men come together. Now, some guys do have honorable intentions like trying to reach out and make you feel welcome, whereas others, let’s just say, have less honorable motives. Why can’t we just let people live there lives and come out when they want instead of exposing them to everyone else? I know we love to welcome new members into the community but they should do that in their own time. Please correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t we as community here to be there for those that want to join us? It’s one thing to go up to someone in the Center and strike up a conversation with them (but NOT going directly to discussing their sexuality) and it’s a completely different thing to approach them anywhere else and ask them on a date. The former of these is a friendly welcome while the latter is a stalker move.

Maybe I’m a bit overly critical, but I have reason to be. In high school, when I first began coming out to my friends, I asked them to not tell anyone because *I* wanted to do it and I had hoped to contain my little secret to my close group of friends. Well, it only took one person to say something to the wrong person and soon enough, the entire school knew. I began to get weird looks from people that I had only interacted with maybe once or twice. The three other openly gay guys in the school started approaching me and trying to get me to talk about my sexuality when they previously would not give me the time of day. So many people began talking to me only to see if the rumors about my sexuality were true. I figured that I might as well tell the truth since the unicorn was out of the bag. Thankfully, I mostly had positive reactions, but I was still upset that the people I trusted were so fast to turn their backs on me. I felt disrespected.

And that’s what this comes down to: respect. As a community, we need to learn to respect people’s privacy. Telling everyone about the people you’ve hooked up with thanks to the wonders of websites is not ok! How can we ever expect people to get off the internet and feel secure enough to reveal themselves openly, if we keep doing it for them? I think that’s one of the main reasons why we struggle to get new faces in the Center. They know that rumors spread like wildfires and if they’re not ready to be out to everyone, it’s easier for them to just stay in the closet. I, personally, don’t like everyone knowing all the intimate details of my life because I’ve been a victim of the rumor wheels and the little birdies. So, I keep a lot of things to myself or to people that I 1000% know I can trust, which is not many at all. If I want something publicly known, I’ll put it on Facebook or Twitter. Otherwise, it’s my business to tell or not tell as I so please.

If you choose to think of this situation as people just wanting to expand the community (which it honestly is for some people), that’s fine. But also realize that some people only care about expanding their hookup options. Part of navigating this gay social scene is being able to tell the difference between people that only want to get to know you and people that want to “know” you in the biblical sense.

I know that this isn’t the most optimistic, rose-colored view that many people debating on coming out want to hear, but it’s the reality of the situation. And while I love being optimistic, I have to keep it real with you. This community has its issues just like every other community does. Do what you feel is best for you, but if these problems bother you as much as they bother me, please join me in rectifying them. Don’t accept this as the standard. Come in and help change it. Let’s make sure that no one else has any problems like this again.

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LGBTQ Discussion Group Tonight! Hey all. Just a quick reminder that we're meeting tonight in the Center at 6:30. After looking at the results of the poll, we'll be talking about dealing with family. Even if this is not something that you struggle with or want to know more about, come to share how you've dealt with this in the past (successfully or not). Let's do this!

Come On, Guys

So, do you remember my blog post from a long time ago (this one) where I voiced my concern about not having a space to have open, thoughtful discussions about what it means to be a gay male on this campus with other gay males? Well, it's happening!

Yes, you read that correctly. There will be a new discussion group starting in the very near future just for LGBTQ-identified men to get together and discuss the issues that we face in our lives. Now, I know that there was some controversy over having a men's group but I feel that this a great, necessary step to take in order to pull our community together and maybe even welcome more into it. I'm going to tell you exactly why I feel like this is so necessary just so maybe those of you who are skeptical can understand where I'm coming from.

Guys, we don't talk. We never talk about the important things. We can easily have a 2-hour discussion about Glee or the classic divas of our time (omg don't get me started), but what about the things that matter. What about talking about how we interact with people who don't conform to gender norms? What about having a discussion about trying to break away from those age-old stereotypes of masculinity that concerned so many of us about coming out? Can we discuss how sometimes we can feel pressure from our friends to be more masculine? And how about the way we interact with the women, trans-folk, and those not conforming to either gender? Oh and don't forget about how we just interact with each other in general.

We never talk about any of these things and it's time that we do. It's the only way for us to be an actual community. It takes more than just being visible and social. We have to realize that in order for us to be able to help the greater Community, we have to fix ours first. I know that we are individually close to each other but as a men's community on the whole, we're worlds apart.

I've never gotten a real sense of unity from the men's community. It's always seemed like everybody did their own thing and never really came together except for special occasions and a trip to Vespa. Is that all we are fellas? A social factor in the community? I certainly hope not. I want to sit down and be able to talk about all the things we are going through because you can't deny that each of us isn't going through something.

Also, we always say how we want more people to feel comfortable coming to events. This could be the perfect place for men who maybe aren't so much into the social scene to come and express ways we could help them feel more comfortable. I feel as though there is an entire segment of the gay male population that is just not being satisfied right now and this could be a step in the right direction to making sure that everyone is welcome.

Simply put: We can make our community better. We can foster stronger, closer bonds between all of us. All it takes is talking.

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Transgender Discussion Group: The Center now has a trans discussion group, and I thought I'd spread the good news! Can you believe this is happening, Seniors? High-fives and all around.

From the LGBT Center website:

Are you Transgender? Are you Genderqueer? Do you consider yourself transsexual? Are you female, but do not conform to gender norms? Are you male, but do not conform to gender norms? Do you believe you are a different sex than the one you were assigned at birth? Are you not sure where you fall in the gender spectrum? Do you dislike the gender spectrum? Are you annoyed by being forced to check the M or F boxes on applications? Did you answer yes to any of these questions? Do you feel we should be asking more questions?

The Center for LGBT Life is forming a group for all individuals who do not conform to gender norms or embrace the sex they were assigned at birth, including those who identify as transgender, genderqueer, transsexual, intersex, gender questioning, or are reading this blurb and getting excited that there might be a place for you on campus.

This group is for Duke students only. If you would be interested in attending this group, please email LGBT Center Program Coordinator Jess Evans at jess.evans@duke.edu

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LGBTQA Discussion Group Tomorrow Night at 7: For the first two discussion groups, we just threw out possible topics and let the group decide where the discussion went. And this sort of worked! I've really enjoyed the dialogue and I love how many people (!) came to both. Some feedback we got though, was that the topic should be predetermined in order to give attendees an opportunity to think about it beforehand. So let's try that!

The discussion group is branded as a real-life extension of This Blog (hence its title "Our Lives: Up Close & Personal") that has the same sort of topics but allows a dimension of face-to-face dialogue that This Blog cannot offer. It's the conversations We All are having in the comments sections but in person. With this in mind, it is kind of a duh decision to have this next discussion be about sexism in the LGBTQ community.

This week's anonymous posts post (no, there really is no better way to say this, I've tried) that included an entry about sexism in the LGBTQ community got the most comments (32) any post has ever gotten since we went live over a year ago. (There was also an anonymous post that alluded to suicide that probably should have gotten more attention it did. Just saying.) And there's been, like, a billion gender summits and discussions and such on campus in the past three weeks. I feel like this is an opportunity for us to explore how this is a different and/or same phenomenon among LGBTQ students. This has potential to hit on so many topics, from double (and in many cases triple) disadvantage to the tendency (I'm understating) for gay men to feel the need to suppress any feminine qualities and defy stereotype. "I'm not one of those gays, and I don't want to associate with them. I mean, I can name the 40-man roster of the New York Yankees!" - Me, my first year, because hegemonic sexism and compensatory masculinity (lol @ First Year Me a little very bit).

This is just one way it can go! So yeah. I'm excited about this! I'm excited about this. It's sure to be a more than lively discussion. See you tomorrow at 7 in The Center? :)

Anonymous Posts (9.20.10-9.26.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Well, I think we can all agree this weekend was The Greatest. The Pride Parade was a huge success thanks to Justin Harris and everyone else who pitched in. I think Matt's recap below sums everything up pretty well.

Last week also saw the first "Our Lives" Up Close & Personal discussion group meeting. And, I mean, I feel like that was very awesome and successful as well. Cole (so give or take a few) counted 32 people there! That is so many people. Too many people? Well, no. There's no such thing as too many people at a constructive and respectful and insightful discussion. But maybe if when we get that many people or more at the next meeting we'll break up into groups? Anyhow . Thanks to everyone that came, I know it meant a lot to me and my co-facilitator (who is a rock star and the best and wow), and I'm sure to everyone else that was there.

Aaaand remember that we're setting up a committee to outline blog guidelines for appropriateness and such. We want this team to be diverse, so shoot me an email at bluedevilsunited@gmail.com. It's only as big of a commitment as you want it to be :)

So many anonymous posts this week, y'all. Last time I split nine up, but I feel like we can handle it and make sure everyone gets some love, right? Right.

#1

Dear Chris and S.,

I went to the discussion group the other night and it was great. Before going, though, I was really worried that since it was a mixed group including allies you'd ask people to include how they identified in their introduction. I knew this was probably something I didn't need to worry about, but even still, I was nervous. I didn't know what I'd say if that happened. I'm questioning, so I wouldn't have been comfortable saying straight but I also wouldn't have been comfortable saying LGB. I hold my cards pretty close to my chest, so I also wouldn't have been comfortable indicating that I was questioning or even saying something along the lines of "I'd prefer not to answer" because of what that implies. I'm grateful to both of you that I ended up being worried about nothing and that I could go to the discussion and be in that space without having to share a whole lot. Really, I just want to say "Thanks!" I'm already looking forward to next month's!

#2

(link) A pretty sobering article and I think an important fact that we all need to get tested.

#3

I have a new goal for us as a Community and a University: to get on Princeton Review's top LGBT Friendly list.

Probabaly isn't something that would happen while any of us are here, but how awesome would that be?

#4

You'd think that I'd be able to be okay with the fact that I'm single. But I just can't be. I'm so longing for physical and emotional contact at this point I feel it's ridiculous. How many more years of my Duke career do I have to go through until I meet someone who likes me and I like them? I want to believe that I'll meet someone at Duke who I care for, but why is it that even though I'm active in the LGBT community here, I just can't seem to find ANYBODY? I feel like it makes me depressed but I don't know what to do to stop it.

#5

I've been seeing a guy for over a year and a half now at school. When we're on campus things are usually great, but there can be rough patches sometimes, right? Right. Over the winter and summer breaks were usually pretty far apart, but we call, text, Skype, whatever to keep in touch. The breaks make coming back to school that much better, but this semester has been odd. He just isn't acting the way he has in the past. He says that he is still interested, but his actions don't show it. Should I stay the course, or am I being paranoid?

#6

I didn't go to the pride parade. I went last year. But I had no one to go with this time and was too shy to venture out alone. I am no longer a student anymore. And finally I'm feeling more comfortable with myself. I wish I had all those opportunities that are available at Duke. I would go to CAPS. I feel old. I feel too old. I fear becoming actually old and still being secretive about my sexuality. I don't want to come out when I'm fat and balding. I want to have some fun romantic relationship 2 years ago. I think I remember some new years resolution a few years ago, about coming out. I guess that never came to fruition.

#7

"So are you going to bring some hot girl to the homecoming ball?" He asked.

"No" I replied.

"Why not?"

"Why would I?...Why would I bring a girl?"

"I guess you could go alone."

"You're thinking in the box...There are three options..."

I think he knows. I don't know if he knows that I had a crush on him for a year or two. But I think he knows that I don't think inside the box. Then why does he ask if I'm bringing a girl?

The two guys I've had crushes on in college have both had girlfriends. But they end up in these circumstances I encourage or create that makes me wonder what they want. Whether it is hiding next to each other under a desk. Or watching a movie in bed together. Then him falling asleep and me not knowing whether I should get out of bed or not.

Or the other staying up with me until 2am. Coming over for breakfast. He didn't seem to have strong feelings for his girlfriend. And they've broken up now.

The other one stayed with his girlfriend (I let him sleep alone in the bed after the movie). He moved. Now we're not even friends.

If I just met someone this could all go away. I would be open if I met the right guy. I don't want to come out. I just want to go out. I don't want to tell my parents I'm gay. I just want bring home a boyfriend for thanksgiving. But it's hard meeting guys. Especially when I'm not out. I suppose I need to look harder. Only if I'm looking will it find me. But do I need to come out for that?

#8

I have an inquiry. I am wondering where my fellow "fabulous" freshmen (F^3s) are getting their confidence from. We've barely been here for a month, yet it seems that everywhere I look I see my 2014 peers hanging up rainbow flags, participating in gay pride parades, meeting other "fabulous" Duke kids, posting amusing recaps on the blog, and doing it all with a rather enviable amount of fearlessness.

I'm just wondering where I can get some of this "confidence" stuff. Were they handing it out during orientation week? Was there a memo I missed? Am I the only one who's fulfilling the duties of the awkward, semi-closeted freshman? I realize that I enjoy earth tones in my clothing too much and don't listen to enough Lady Gaga to be truly "fabulous" in the full implications of the word, but I do wonder if you guys have any of that magical elixir of self-acceptance left to share. I could really use a dose.

While I realize that this plethora of confident, fabulous froshlings is a sign of a positive change in our time, I just feel like it would be cool to know that there are still kids who would be able to empathize with me and still aren't prideful about the whole...uh... "gay" thing (I even have trouble typing the word).

#9

I didn't go to NC Pride for two reasons:

1) I don't like large crowds and

2) I'm still a bit uncomfortable with being "out", though technically I'm not "out".

I hate that I'm this way and I especially hate that I missed attending and being a part of something so wonderful. There's always next year, I suppose. I hope I can have the courage to participate by then.