Anonymous Posts (3.19.12-3.25.12)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks, hate speech, or express or insinuate that one is at risk for hurting themselves or someone else. Please read this for an explanation of this policy and seek help if your or a friend find yourself in that position. With those exceptions aside, please feel free to submit your thoughts and questions. :)

So I guess y'all know what this intro blurb is going to be about! That's right, that big festivus out on the plaza to get Duke voters involved in the upcoming election! As I'm sure you're aware, May 8th is going to be kind of a big deal for us. So if you haven't registered to vote yet, you may want to consider getting on that. We've got an amendment to kill!

But yes, Lav Ball was also this weekend. It was a hot mess, in the best possible way. It was great to see the Doris Duke Center packed with OC, props especially to the Allies who came without dates. All in all, it's great to see that kind of involvement.

Now without further ado, notes from OC:

#1
I am a white queer person, and one of the reasons that I have stopped going to the LGBT Center at Duke is because it frustrates me that the community is not doing enough to reach out to LGBTQ(A) people of color. There are a few people in the community aware of this problem (and I thank them for working against the white privilege in the Center), but the Center is not doing nearly enough. I am frustrated at the other white people in the community for not recognizing or trying to solve this. Some of them do try to actively work against it, but the Center is NOT doing enough. Please recognize this, and if you are a white person in this community, start thinking of ways to actively engage with topics and individuals of LGBTQ students of color at Duke. It is not a student of color's responsibility to attend Center events to try and change this. It is the responsibility of the Center and the white-dominated community to ACTIVELY self-educate and actively program and reach out to students of color. Acknowledging and being aware of this problem is the first step (and many do not even acknowledge it yet!). The second step is then to actively work again the white privilege in the Center and to program events and reach out to communities of color constantly and with all events as possible.

#2
I cannot even begin to explain how much the gay men talk down to me as a woman or how much they seem so self-absorbed. And we wonder why none of us women go to the Center.

#3
Today I came out to someone I was really nervous about coming out to. When I told her, she smiled and told me she already knew. She said "I'm happy for you! And I hope you have a great time at Lav Ball!" I don't think she even realizes how much she made my day! It gave me such a boost of confidence to know that my friends love me for who I am, not for who I thought I was coming into college

#4
I feel like gay women really get the short end of the stick and I'm fed up with it. My straight friends always try to change me (give me make-overs, have me wear dresses etc) and it's like I'm not your damn project, stop trying to change me. You don't see people making the gay male friends adhere to more masculine stereotypes. Even my gay male friend who you would think understands that gay people don't necessarily follow gender stereotypes insists on me dressing up "fancy" (aka in a skirt/dress looking miserable with my hair down). He says I look prettier that way, but it's his version of pretty not mine. Hell, I don't even want the word pretty to be used to describe me. At this point I'm left wondering if the friends I have that keep trying to change me really are my friends.

Please remember that there are a number of resources available on campus and in the local community. These resources are available over breaks and throughout the school year. If you or a friend are experiencing thoughts or urges to harm yourself or somebody else, please reach out to the following resources: In an emergency, please don't hesitate to call CAPS at any time, including "after hours" at (919) 966-3820. Ask to speak to the advice nurse and tell them you are a Duke student. You may also call the Trevor Project, a national hotline specifically for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer and questioning youth (college students included). Their number is 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386).

An Open Letter to Queer Duke Women

Firstly, I want to let everybody know about the Bisexual/Questioning visibility campaign that will be happening on campus this semester. We'll be essentially creating posters to raise visibility about Bisexual and Questioning issues. If you want in on this, email me at kab67@duke.edu. Or come to our meeting today at 1:00 PM in Alpine Atrium. Now on to the meat of the post...

Dear Women in the LGBT Community,

Hello. It’s difficult to phrase what I have to say to you, but I’m going to try. It’s the least I can do. I’ve seen and heard many things about how LGBT men at Duke don’t give our women the same respect as they do our men, and what I want to tell you is that I support you. When I came here at the beginning of last semester as an uncomfortable first-year just coming to terms with what his sexuality might mean in the exciting and new environment of college, it was you that made me most comfortable. When made my first probing visit to the Center to see if it was you who spoke to me first. (Specifically, I’m talking about Jen) You struck up a casual conversation, and something about the relaxed tone of your voice and the body language which betrays an introverted nature made me know that I wasn’t alone. That I’m not the only queer person who prefers a book to a social gathering. I have to admit, I looked forward to coming to the Center whenever I could, hoping that you’d be sitting there. You made this place feel that much more like home.

You didn’t just make me comfortable, you made me uncomfortable in the best possible way. (Megan, shout out to you on this section) You made me think about how so much of what I do and think on a day to day basis is inherently sexist. You made me confront my prejudices that I didn’t even realize were sexist. You opened my eyes to the fact that many of my beliefs and actions were inherently sexist and I did not even realize it. You’ve forced me to think, and I can’t thank you enough.

You’ve done so much for me to make me comfortable and to help me progress as a person, so how can I stand by while I hear you express your feelings of alienation in the Community? My best friend is a queer woman, the person who helped me awaken my feminist side is a queer woman, and the person who made me feel most welcome in the Center is a queer woman. As such, it baffles me that some would consider you less valuable as members of our Community. Even more confusing is what I’ve heard from some people, that they don’t see women’s issues as particularly important on the grand scheme of things. Well, I want to tell you that I DO think that women’s issues are very important. I also want to say that I want your input not just on women’s issues, but on every issue. You deserve the same respect as every other member of this community.

Something that’s given me pause of late, however, is the question of how I can help. I know that I find something very wrong with the average treatment of women in today’s society, but I don’t know what to do to solve it. It isn’t your responsibility to have these answers, but I wonder, how can I help? I want to support you in any way that I can, but I’m curious, what should I do? This might just be part of me processing this new feminist impulse, but I’m kind of at a loss for where to go from here. Any advice as to what you would like to see from me, and other men who think like I do, please share.

As for us men, it’s time we stopped being passive about this. I know there’s a lot of us out there that are better than our more sexist peers. So maybe it’s time we stepped up and told people to shut up when they’re being sexist, and correct the incorrect assumptions. Maybe we can try to make it cripplingly uncool to objectify women as purely objects for sexual desire and conquest. That might just be a pipe dream, but I think it’s worth a try.

Anonymous Posts (12.20.11-12.25.11)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks, hate speech, or express or insinuate that one is at risk for hurting themselves or someone else. Please read this for an explanation of this policy and seek help if your or a friend find yourself in that position. With those exceptions aside, please feel free to submit your thoughts and questions. :)

Ho ho ho!! By now, Hanukkah is almost through and Christmas has passed. Kawnzaa starts today, and I wish any of our readers who celebrate it a happy holiday!

I went to this charity drinks night last night to benefit the Phoenix Mercury Charities and One-N-Ten (Phoenix), an organization that serves LGBTQ youth. Serious props to the Mercury for joining forces with an LGBTQ organization. You don't see that enough in sports!

Since our last installation of Anonymous Posts, we've had five great posts! Coincidentally, most of them touched on the coming out process. Ye'tha'thne wrote about going home and her decision to come out to her mom, Jessye wonders about the parallels between 21st century homophobia and 20th century racism and antisemitism, Jacob shares the long journey his dad took to embrace him after coming out, Jonathan dreads the superficial conversations being in the closet requires, and Risa compares a summertime experience to the hardship of going back in the closet after each semester. All in all, another busy week here on The Blog!

I hope that everybody has a wonderful winter break, but here at the Blue Devils United Blog we know that that isn't always the case. There can be a lot of anxieties about going home, which may mean going back in the closet or coming out to family and friends or any number of things. Please reach out to the resources at the bottom if you find yourself in a position where you need support. We're a community and we're here to support each other, so keep checking the blog for new content and be sure to keep up with each other, as well.

Now, notes from OC!

#1
At the risk of sounding inflammatory, I'm sort of tired of all of this he said/she said sexism in the LGBT Community (at Duke) stuff. And before you dismiss me for having male privilege and simply not seeing it—which is your favorite retort—I am a woman. I'm tired of the bickering. I'm tired of cismen being hated on simply for being born cismen. Yes, going out to LGBTQ clubs can suck because there are usually not tons of women. And yes, a lot of LGBTQ organizations nationally are run almost exclusively by gay men (you might point to BDU and say the same thing, but for anyone who was at last year’s elections, only two women ran! A 50% election rate ain’t bad...and okay, maybe we need to figure out why only two women ran, but…I digress). And yes, queer women’s culture gets overlooked for gay male culture (Tegan and Sara: 0; Lady Gaga: 231723012). But um, I like Lady Gaga! And liking her doesn’t make me a bad queer woman. And at Duke? I can’t say I’ve ever felt discriminated against in the LGBTQ community for being a woman. Most of my close LGBTQ friends are guys, and I definitely get that there can be a bit of an old boys network--they hang out a lot without me. But I have my best friends (non center folks) who I hang out with and it doesn't bother me that I don't get invited to dinner or whatever with them. I don't count the number of men and women when I walk into the center, because the gender of the person sitting next to me isn't important (to me). People don't talk to me all the time, but it's usually because they're doing homework. Would they take a break from their homework and talk to me if I was a cisguy? I don't know, and I'm not going to hypothesize about it, arbitrarily decide they would, and call sexism on it. At the risk of being even more inflammatory, I don't think Women Loving Women is helping to change the social dynamics. It's creating a insular, secretive community of queer women. Queer women have this outlet, and so they don't come to other things (I know, because I go to the other events and am frequently one of less than a handful of women), which just creates an even greater schism. Maybe it's a chicken and the egg problem--if things weren't already sexist, then queer women wouldn't feel the need to have this separate community; but having a separate community is further creating a schism, manufacturing more of a need for a separate community. Truthfully, I feel there is no place for me in the queer women's community at Duke if I'm not into cisman bashing. And I'm not. And I feel bad for my cisguy friends who get attacked any time they say something.

#2
A potent article to say the least. Dan urges all Christians to extend Christian love towards everyone, no matter how "sinful" they may be.

Please remember that there are a number of resources available on campus and in the local community. These resources are available over breaks and throughout the school year. If you or a friend are experiencing thoughts or urges to harm yourself or somebody else, please reach out to the following resources: In an emergency, please don't hesitate to call CAPS at any time, including "after hours" at (919) 966-3820. Ask to speak to the advice nurse and tell them you are a Duke student. You may also call the Trevor Project, a national hotline specifically for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer and questioning youth (college students included). Their number is 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386).

Wait. Don't Forget About Me Too!

There's been a lot of conversation about several issues on the blog lately, and I love it. I love it when people engage in thoughtful discussions about topics. I believe that's how you honestly get to know people better than talking about what likes and dislikes you have in common. The funny thing is that I tend to not be a very vocal participant in such stimulating conversation. I like to sit back and let the discussion develop while I formulate my own opinion and sometimes change it depending on certain key points people make. For that reason, I have not been an active participant in many of the discussions that have taken place on the blog. But, I think I am finally able to articulate my opinion. So here we go...

The topic I want to focus on is the sexism that occurs within the gay community. Well, not so much focus on the sexism but a comment someone made about how one gender of the community has a tougher time than the other gender. I, at one point, actually used to believe this was true, but, after becoming friends with women in the community, I was made aware of my fallacy. I think where this difference in thinking stems from is the focus of attention on one's own life and how people can tend to think that their situation is the absolute worst. I think that's a completely understandable mistake to make. I know that I oftentimes only focus on my own life and the problems I go through and how miserable it makes me feel. I sometimes forget that other people have problems that they must work through, too. Just because their problems might not be the same as mine or seem as extreme as I believe mine to be, it doesn't mean that they don't have it just as hard. Because it is just as hard, just in different ways that may not be apparent. So there's that which leads me to the actual gist of this post:

Sometimes, I get worried that we are focusing too much on one subset of the community and letting the others fall by the wayside.

Let me be clear about what I mean. There have been several recent efforts made to shed light on or help the issues that the queer female-identified community faces. I'm all for this. It's great that we are recognizing the women within the community and doing more to make sure that they are better represented. I'm so happy for the women of this community because they are on their way to getting the recognition that they deserve. BUT (here's the kicker), what about everyone else in the community?

Let's take, for example, the awesomeness that is the WOMYN magazine and Women Loving Women meetings. Both of these are such wonderful achievements for the women community. But what do the men of the community have? What about those who don't conform to a certain gender? What do those who are trans get? Nothing, at least not anything that is solely for each specific group. Of course, there is Fab Friday and the blog and the Center itself. But none of that is ever a space solely just for people of one group.

I guess what I'm saying is that I would like to see more initiatives geared towards every subset of the community. For example, even though the community here is heavily male-dominated, I would still love to have a space where I can sit down with other gay males of color who are in a non-historically black fraternity and have a discussion about some of the challenges we go through. Well, not all of that because that would probably just be a group of me, myself, and I, but you get what I'm saying right? There are times when I honestly get jealous of the women in the LGBTQ community because they have their venue to voice their concerns and frustrations about life. But where am I supposed to go? Fab Friday isn't exactly the space to do that. Yes, I'm using the blog to voice my concerns but it's just not the same as talking face to face with people and hearing what other humans (not a computer screen) has to say. Why can't we have a Men Loving Men or a Queers Loving Queers for those who don't identify with one gender or Trans Loving Trans? After all, we all have issues that we want to talk about, don't we?

I'm just worried that we risk alienating others in the community if we focus on only one group, which I'm guessing is maybe part of the motivation for Women Loving Women, to make the women feel more included. There's been so much talk about making the community more inclusive and representative of everyone but it doesn't seem to me that much has been done to make it happen. Let's start by showing that we are looking for ways to make those who feel separated from the community more included. I know it's impossible to please everyone, but I feel like we can at least show that we're trying.

---

LGBTQA Discussion Group Tomorrow Night at 7: For the first two discussion groups, we just threw out possible topics and let the group decide where the discussion went. And this sort of worked! I've really enjoyed the dialogue and I love how many people (!) came to both. Some feedback we got though, was that the topic should be predetermined in order to give attendees an opportunity to think about it beforehand. So let's try that!

The discussion group is branded as a real-life extension of This Blog (hence its title "Our Lives: Up Close & Personal") that has the same sort of topics but allows a dimension of face-to-face dialogue that This Blog cannot offer. It's the conversations We All are having in the comments sections but in person. With this in mind, it is kind of a duh decision to have this next discussion be about sexism in the LGBTQ community.

This week's anonymous posts post (no, there really is no better way to say this, I've tried) that included an entry about sexism in the LGBTQ community got the most comments (32) any post has ever gotten since we went live over a year ago. (There was also an anonymous post that alluded to suicide that probably should have gotten more attention it did. Just saying.) And there's been, like, a billion gender summits and discussions and such on campus in the past three weeks. I feel like this is an opportunity for us to explore how this is a different and/or same phenomenon among LGBTQ students. This has potential to hit on so many topics, from double (and in many cases triple) disadvantage to the tendency (I'm understating) for gay men to feel the need to suppress any feminine qualities and defy stereotype. "I'm not one of those gays, and I don't want to associate with them. I mean, I can name the 40-man roster of the New York Yankees!" - Me, my first year, because hegemonic sexism and compensatory masculinity (lol @ First Year Me a little very bit).

This is just one way it can go! So yeah. I'm excited about this! I'm excited about this. It's sure to be a more than lively discussion. See you tomorrow at 7 in The Center? :)