Yes! It Rained on my Parade : )

So Saturday was the NC Pride Parade. If you were cool enough to attend you know it was an awesome event filled with all things queer and if you were not able to attend, rummage through Facebook and try to live vicariously through the photos.  This was my first pride parade, and it forced me to reflect on my two-year journey from shame to pride. Witting this post about Pride reminded me of an anonymous post over the summer that pretty much asked “what’s the point of Pride ?” The anonymous poster believed that we don’t have the right to show pride for the accomplishments of other, and that in general we should not express pride for innate attributes like being LGBT. At first I got all defensive about Pride, but then I decided to really reflect on gay pride, and ask myself why it is so important to me.

For me, Pride is not only about celebrating the struggle and accomplishments of those who came before, but also celebrating my own transformation. In talking about Pride, I think it’s important to know the history (I’m a history major so I always think the history is important).  The first Pride parade was held in 1970 to mark the anniversary of the Stonewall Riots.  Last week a close (queer) friend of mine admitted that he didn’t know what stonewall was, and that confession pushed me into a deep sense of depression. So if your reading this and don’t know…There is a Wikipedia page calling your name. In a nutshell, Stonewall was a two-day riot outside of a gay club in NYC, which sparked the modern gay rights movement. (Sorry for the history lesson, but it is LGBT history month) The parade that happened on Saturday owes its roots to a stand some brave queers made 43 years ago, and I do think that’s something to be proud of.  I am proud because they stood up (and attacked the cops) so that I could live in a world that was a bit more tolerant.

            The second aspect of Pride, is the personal pride I have for my own journey, and the journey of those around me. It has been a long and difficult journey from a dark closet to a float in a parade. For me Pride was a way to celebrate my own transformation into a person that can be proud of who I am. Even more than that, Pride is an opportunity to be validated by others in a way not commonly experienced. I spent most of my life being told that queer was wrong, but on Saturday I had thousands of people cheering me on telling me that who I am is beautiful.  I was proud of those who paved the way, proud of my own journey, and proud of the validation I receive from my community. Honestly…being queer is Great! In addition to multitude of Rainbows and natural birth control, we have a community that is strong, loving, and validating. That is something to take pride in, and that’s why I braved the cold rain to ride down a float dancing to Gaga.

(In my kindergarten teacher voice)...And remember ...You can't have a rainbow without rain

Prejudice and Pride

Sometimes people mistakenly think I’m gay.

This isn’t particularly a big issue, except it can cause certain awkward situations. For example, last year I met a girl at a party on campus and ended up fancying her. I thought that we hit it off pretty well, so I asked to see her again. We got dinner together at Sushi Love where we had a pleasant chat all night, and we began to see each other more and more. One late night we ended up studying together, just the two of us, and the topic of conversation shifted to very personal issues. She told me some story about a guy she once dated and when I first began talking about an ex-girlfriend she suddenly got quiet and averted her look from me. I asked what was wrong and had to pry an answer out of her. “Well,” she started, “when we first met I wasn’t sure whether you were flirting with me or if you were gay. And since then I’ve just been assuming that you’re gay.”

The precise reasons for these assumptions remain elusive to me. Maybe it’s because pink is one of my favorite colors, or because I’ve been known to sport pins both from the Women’s Center and the LGBT Center on my backpack, or because I’m a “big friendly giant” (in the words of my friend C) who enjoys hugs and other forms of physical contact with friends. Whatever the reasons are, similar occurrences have been happening to me over the past few years, both with my friends and my family.

I have to admit that my knee jerk reaction to these situations was once to feel ashamed, as if I were betraying my identity. So the response was to “tone it down.” Think twice about wearing that pink shirt. Don’t tell your male friend that you love him. In one case I even refused a rainbow flag being offered by a bisexual friend of mine, and probably ended up hurting his feelings.

Perhaps this is a common reaction among straight men. Despite the growing inclusion of LGBT members in our culture, there is still some irrational stigma of emasculation and weakness that is especially associated with homosexual men. Then perhaps it is not surprising (though still not excusable, either) when a straight man becomes insulted when accused of being gay.

It seems that we as a culture have grown comfortable with the notion that gay people should act in a certain way. One does not have to look very far to see this. Consider, for example, how gays are portrayed in film and television. Programs such as Modern Family and Glee feature stock homosexual characters whose demeanors and attributes reflect what we expect to see in gay people. Even when such programs have good intentions they just reinforce the prejudices that we share. This is simply one of the numerous ways in which these standards are engraved into our brains.

The result of this culture is for both straight and gay men to act within the standard social guidelines that have been outlined for them. When one is seen behaving outside of these lines, they are treated as a foreigner. The reaction to such people can be confusion or even hostility. So then this causes a feedback loop of individuals hiding their true selves and adhering to the social standards set out for their sexuality. The end result is a mountain of false pride that stands between the people we are and the people we want others to see us as.

As for me, I now don’t feel insulted in any way when I am misinterpreted as being gay. I’ve come to realize that to take offense with this is to submit to ignorance and uphold the myth that homosexuality is a sign of weakness. Besides, I have grown comfortable enough with myself that I don’t mind being seen as something other than a brazenly macho heterosexual man. This Saturday I’ll be at the Pride Parade and I won’t think twice about what others may interpret my sexuality to be. Instead, I’ll just be honored to stand with the LGBT community and in support of their rights.

NC Pride Wrapup

[Ed. Note: Last year, we started to recap BDU and Center events with pictures and firsthand accounts. This past weekend was the 27th annual NC Pride Parade, which began right here on Duke's East Campus! A friend of the blog, Chelsea, was awesome enough to share her thoughts with us. And a special thanks to Robert and Cesar for use of their pictures.]

Last Saturday, September 24th, I participated in my first Pride parade. Being what we call a “straight ally” and having lived most of my life in a country (Italy) where LGBT Centers are underground and the idea of supporters doesn’t really exist (and we also have the Pope? Minor detail), you can imagine how this opportunity had not made its way toward me in the past. But this weekend it did, and I immediately jumped on that bandwagon… But actually. I climbed on that float, lathered my torso in body paint, through my hands in the air and cheered on like there was no tomorrow.

Last Saturday, the sky was dull and it poured, but that didn’t faze us. Durham was vibrant. Durham was a bubbling melting pot of people of all different kinds of backgrounds, ages, sexualities and beliefs who stood as one while asking for a simple request: let us all be equal.

There are two levels on which one could experience NC pride: first, you had the more general aspect which entailed a herd of advocates for equality parading down the streets, as most Prides go. But on the other side, you had the Duke/Durham level, where one bonded with their community, home or home-away-from–home; where one lent a helping hand to a peer; where one celebrated while embracing their best friend, smiling at their RA, cheering with their lab partner, high-fiving their professor; where one could directly reach out to their neighbor, friend, significant other, relative, passerby and affirm, “This is for you”.

Going back to that day, I find a cluster of words and images whirling in my mind:

Swarms of smiling faces
Color
Bright color
Glitter
(SO MUCH glitter)
Banners
Fliers
Flags
Signs
Stars
Heels
Insane hairstyles
Motion
Action
Movement
Cheering
Dancing
Jumping
Laughing
“Work it!!”
Showers of hearts
Actual showers
Rainbows
Energy and Pathos
Happiness
Advocacy
Goliardery
Affection
Equality
Support
Love

Anonymous Posts (9.20.10-9.26.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Well, I think we can all agree this weekend was The Greatest. The Pride Parade was a huge success thanks to Justin Harris and everyone else who pitched in. I think Matt's recap below sums everything up pretty well.

Last week also saw the first "Our Lives" Up Close & Personal discussion group meeting. And, I mean, I feel like that was very awesome and successful as well. Cole (so give or take a few) counted 32 people there! That is so many people. Too many people? Well, no. There's no such thing as too many people at a constructive and respectful and insightful discussion. But maybe if when we get that many people or more at the next meeting we'll break up into groups? Anyhow . Thanks to everyone that came, I know it meant a lot to me and my co-facilitator (who is a rock star and the best and wow), and I'm sure to everyone else that was there.

Aaaand remember that we're setting up a committee to outline blog guidelines for appropriateness and such. We want this team to be diverse, so shoot me an email at bluedevilsunited@gmail.com. It's only as big of a commitment as you want it to be :)

So many anonymous posts this week, y'all. Last time I split nine up, but I feel like we can handle it and make sure everyone gets some love, right? Right.

#1

Dear Chris and S.,

I went to the discussion group the other night and it was great. Before going, though, I was really worried that since it was a mixed group including allies you'd ask people to include how they identified in their introduction. I knew this was probably something I didn't need to worry about, but even still, I was nervous. I didn't know what I'd say if that happened. I'm questioning, so I wouldn't have been comfortable saying straight but I also wouldn't have been comfortable saying LGB. I hold my cards pretty close to my chest, so I also wouldn't have been comfortable indicating that I was questioning or even saying something along the lines of "I'd prefer not to answer" because of what that implies. I'm grateful to both of you that I ended up being worried about nothing and that I could go to the discussion and be in that space without having to share a whole lot. Really, I just want to say "Thanks!" I'm already looking forward to next month's!

#2

(link) A pretty sobering article and I think an important fact that we all need to get tested.

#3

I have a new goal for us as a Community and a University: to get on Princeton Review's top LGBT Friendly list.

Probabaly isn't something that would happen while any of us are here, but how awesome would that be?

#4

You'd think that I'd be able to be okay with the fact that I'm single. But I just can't be. I'm so longing for physical and emotional contact at this point I feel it's ridiculous. How many more years of my Duke career do I have to go through until I meet someone who likes me and I like them? I want to believe that I'll meet someone at Duke who I care for, but why is it that even though I'm active in the LGBT community here, I just can't seem to find ANYBODY? I feel like it makes me depressed but I don't know what to do to stop it.

#5

I've been seeing a guy for over a year and a half now at school. When we're on campus things are usually great, but there can be rough patches sometimes, right? Right. Over the winter and summer breaks were usually pretty far apart, but we call, text, Skype, whatever to keep in touch. The breaks make coming back to school that much better, but this semester has been odd. He just isn't acting the way he has in the past. He says that he is still interested, but his actions don't show it. Should I stay the course, or am I being paranoid?

#6

I didn't go to the pride parade. I went last year. But I had no one to go with this time and was too shy to venture out alone. I am no longer a student anymore. And finally I'm feeling more comfortable with myself. I wish I had all those opportunities that are available at Duke. I would go to CAPS. I feel old. I feel too old. I fear becoming actually old and still being secretive about my sexuality. I don't want to come out when I'm fat and balding. I want to have some fun romantic relationship 2 years ago. I think I remember some new years resolution a few years ago, about coming out. I guess that never came to fruition.

#7

"So are you going to bring some hot girl to the homecoming ball?" He asked.

"No" I replied.

"Why not?"

"Why would I?...Why would I bring a girl?"

"I guess you could go alone."

"You're thinking in the box...There are three options..."

I think he knows. I don't know if he knows that I had a crush on him for a year or two. But I think he knows that I don't think inside the box. Then why does he ask if I'm bringing a girl?

The two guys I've had crushes on in college have both had girlfriends. But they end up in these circumstances I encourage or create that makes me wonder what they want. Whether it is hiding next to each other under a desk. Or watching a movie in bed together. Then him falling asleep and me not knowing whether I should get out of bed or not.

Or the other staying up with me until 2am. Coming over for breakfast. He didn't seem to have strong feelings for his girlfriend. And they've broken up now.

The other one stayed with his girlfriend (I let him sleep alone in the bed after the movie). He moved. Now we're not even friends.

If I just met someone this could all go away. I would be open if I met the right guy. I don't want to come out. I just want to go out. I don't want to tell my parents I'm gay. I just want bring home a boyfriend for thanksgiving. But it's hard meeting guys. Especially when I'm not out. I suppose I need to look harder. Only if I'm looking will it find me. But do I need to come out for that?

#8

I have an inquiry. I am wondering where my fellow "fabulous" freshmen (F^3s) are getting their confidence from. We've barely been here for a month, yet it seems that everywhere I look I see my 2014 peers hanging up rainbow flags, participating in gay pride parades, meeting other "fabulous" Duke kids, posting amusing recaps on the blog, and doing it all with a rather enviable amount of fearlessness.

I'm just wondering where I can get some of this "confidence" stuff. Were they handing it out during orientation week? Was there a memo I missed? Am I the only one who's fulfilling the duties of the awkward, semi-closeted freshman? I realize that I enjoy earth tones in my clothing too much and don't listen to enough Lady Gaga to be truly "fabulous" in the full implications of the word, but I do wonder if you guys have any of that magical elixir of self-acceptance left to share. I could really use a dose.

While I realize that this plethora of confident, fabulous froshlings is a sign of a positive change in our time, I just feel like it would be cool to know that there are still kids who would be able to empathize with me and still aren't prideful about the whole...uh... "gay" thing (I even have trouble typing the word).

#9

I didn't go to NC Pride for two reasons:

1) I don't like large crowds and

2) I'm still a bit uncomfortable with being "out", though technically I'm not "out".

I hate that I'm this way and I especially hate that I missed attending and being a part of something so wonderful. There's always next year, I suppose. I hope I can have the courage to participate by then.

NC Pride Wrap-Up

[Ed. Note: This year, we've decided to recap BDU and Center events with pictures and firsthand accounts. Our first-year friend Matt B. was awesome enough to write these up for us, because it's what people who are The Best do.]

As someone from outside the South, I was totally surprised that North Carolina even had a Pride parade, much less one as well-attended as yesterday’s event. The News & Observer, the Triangle’s local paper, estimated that roughly 10,000 attended or marched in the parade. It was basically Gay Christmas.

Starting in front of Duke’s East Campus and wrapping around the 9th Street district, the parade consisted of about 20 floats among 100 marching groups and almost 200 vendors. Organizations represented ranged from UNC at Chapel Hill’s GBLTSA to Raleigh’s Legends Nightclub. As usual, however, Duke’s float was the best, thanks in no small part to Justin Harris, who organized the float, and Chris Perry, who probably saved several people from dehydration with a valiant Dollar General water run.

I was lucky enough to find space on the float, and it was amazing. Several times during the parade we were warned that our dancing was compromising the structure of the float. You know you’re doing something right when you’re dancing so hard that you might break the float. From the glimpses of our reflection that I caught in the windows of 9th Street storefronts, I feel qualified to say that we looked fantastic, all rainbows and body paint and Love=Love shirts.

Sign highlights:
“All the cool Duke girls are lesbians”
“Bisexual: it’s the best of both worlds!”
“When rapture comes, all the fun people will still be here!”

Regardless of how liberal Duke may (or may not) be, Durham is still in the Bible Belt and because of that I was expecting religious organizations to have a huge presence at the parade. They did, but not at all in the way that I imagined. I was pleasantly shocked to find the religious role in the parade was less “GOD HATES FAGS” and more “(Insert-church-name-here) loves gays!” There were a few protesters, but their relatively inoffensive arguments were widely ignored. Furthermore, I’m pleased to report that as the Duke float passed their somber-faced contingent, a certain Lily Allen song just happened to come on over the speakers…

After the parade, I ran right to the shower. I did my best, but I have a feeling I’ll be finding glitter in weird places for the next week or so.