The Best and Worst Semester of My Life

Four months. Dozens of drinks. Hundreds of tears. A thousand smiles. And so many meaningful relationships formed. This has been my semester at Duke and it has been the worst and best semester of my college experience.

Why do you do what you do? This was the question I posed on my first blog post. The most uncomfortable part about being at Duke this semester was my inability to answer this question and others: Why did you act in that way—that is not you so why do you care if they like you or not? Why did you hook up with that guy—do you really like him in that way? Why are you involved in this organization—do you really believe in the work you are doing?

It has been the worst in many ways: I continuously struggled with being in love but knowing that I have to get over him; I witnessed self-destructive behavior and interpersonal violence in the forms of binge drinking and sexual assault; I dealt with extremely low self-esteem and guilt over being (what I thought of myself as) an unfit son, brother, and friend. I was dropped into new social circles and was left awake at night thinking, “I wonder if they like me or not…they probably don’t…” (it felt like my first-year of high school and college all over again); all of these things made me feel even more isolated and uncomfortable around people who identify as LGBTQ as I felt like I had to act in certain ways to fit in; many stereotypes regarding gay people were reinforced for me this semester…

It all kind of collapsed one night on the rocking chairs in the Plaza. I was a mess, and didn’t feel like going to bed because I was so tired of not wanting to wake up in the morning and face the world. I spilled out all of these feelings to my best friend, and he helped me by saying this: “Look, you may not want to get over some of this, but you have to—look to the future and what makes you excited, what makes you happy.” Duke necessarily wasn’t the reason why I felt like all of this, but it definitely was hard to be in a new environment with new people dealing with some old/new issues. I decided to go for a run that night (Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands, right?) and underwent a pretty awesome catharsis.

That night was important because I drew from my past, assessed my present, and then ran towards the future. That run was a little more than a week ago, and has allowed me to think about the how my semester at Duke has been the best in countless ways—and though the negative parts of my semester were attributed to things that went beyond my semester at Duke, the positive aspects of my semester were rooted in the Blue Devil experience:

I made SO many AMAZING friends and built upon my existing friendships in meaningful, loving ways; I dived deep into my coursework and it has been the most enjoyable academic journey of my life; I relied on myself for things that I hadn’t previously; I broke down so many stereotypes about this place, especially in regards to Greek Life; I confronted my issues with not feeling like I “fit in” in this college gay culture and tried to even determine what gay culture was at Duke and at UNC to begin with; I was single for what felt like the first time during my college experience and, though it was hard, it was rewarding; and, finally, I realized how comfortable I was at Duke—how great it was to be able to walk to class and see a familiar face, or having friends to call and get dinner with! What a joy it is to have these experiences…

I see now that these are things that I will remember from my semester at Duke. Thus, here are my lasting thoughts, inspired by this quote I read in an article (can't remember the name of it...):

"We’re conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware—beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one."

Regardless of being a student at Duke or UNC, you can get down in the dumps about a lot of things happening in life. The solution: find the beauty around you—whether this beauty is in the people you meet and the relationships formed, your classes and any knowledge gained, or the trees, flowers, and buildings that populate our universities. Challenge yourself to embrace the uncomfortable, but don’t do so in a way that forces you to detach from what makes you most like you. For me, it was my family, my friends (from Carolina and Duke), and swimming.

Even though it is a bittersweet end as I leave Duke to return to Carolina in the fall, I am so excited that there are so many opportunities for me to maintain what I experienced at Duke.

Cheers to a paradoxical semester—the best and worst four months of my life, each second spent learning about myself and others, cultivating pluralism along the way.

See you on the lighter (and arguably better) shade of blue,

A Tar Devil

Healthy Confrontation

As my semester at Duke slowly comes to an end, I realize how much my routine reflects that of the average Duke student: I have worked hard (kind of), played hard (REAL hard) and have, more often than not, taken what Chronicle writer Ryan Brown describes as the “something bigger than ourselves” mentality.
My semester at Duke, unlike my previous semesters at UNC, has forced me to face many unfortunate realities. One of these realities is the palpable sense of destructive gender norms that exist in the world (and the notion that feminism is a bad thing); another is the existence of individuals who are, dare I say it, conservative!
[I am not saying destructive gender norms and conservatives do not exist at UNC; rather, I am saying that they exist behind a liberal curtain and (as recent weeks have demonstrated) a safe and inclusive university façade.]
At Duke, I have interacted with conservatives, with the “I’m not a feminist, but…” students, and with those that would fight till the end to maintain the existing gender culture at Duke. I have attended a handful of meetings at the Women’s Center and have had numerous conversations with individuals, both conservative and liberal and all in between, regarding feminism. Yet, like Brown, I prefer to push my headphones into my ear and pump up the volume rather than fighting complacency and, in turn, a destructive culture. I have these conversations, but then I go on with my business, thinking to myself, “Well, we talked and they still didn’t get what I had to say…oh, well!”

What I have loved most about Duke, however, is the opportunity to have interacted with those that align themselves on the opposite sides of an issue. What I love about my semester here is the fact that I think about these things and realize my “something bigger than ourselves” mentality. And most of all, I love that I have more opportunities to not be complacent; to continue to have conversations with people, but also take action—to attend events such as Be A Man [Thursday (April 14th) at 8:30pm in McClendon 5] and Fab Friday with these people who have different views than my own.

Confrontation is uncomfortable, but healthy confrontation can be life-changing. So I encourage myself and others to have conversations with individuals who normally wouldn’t agree with you on an issue (such as feminism), befriend these individuals and listen to their stories, and then bring them to some healthy confrontational events (such as Be A Man or Fab Friday). Whether they change their minds or not is not what is important; what is important is us not subscribing to the “bigger than ourselves” mentality and taking action AND making new friends.

If there is nothing else to bond over, you and your new friend can always bond over being Blue Devils, a community I am honored to be a part of during my college experience.

Visibility Matters

When I came to Duke, I immediately noticed the numerous rainbow flags that hung outside dorm windows. The first thing I thought of when I saw these flags was my own sign of visibility: the rainbow button pinned onto my backpack (it says, in bold, “Visibility Matters”). I received this pin while walking to class one day [the LGBTQ Center and GLBTSA (the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and straight alliance of UNC-Chapel Hill) were promoting themselves by handing out free stuff]. When I came to Carolina, I was surprised to see how much the university administration and students did to make the campus safe and affirming of all identities. With this pin, I was explicitly identifying myself as an individual supportive of the LGBTQ community. The flags at Duke have the same effect—they explicitly identify allies and those connected to the LGBTQ community, all the while building a culture of acceptance at Duke.

With this in mind, I think it’s important to reflect upon this whole idea of visibility on a college campus. Visibility is, of course, important because it helps get the message of the LGBTQ community into the public and helps break down certain negative stereotypes associated with the community. Visibility can also make people who are not entirely accepting of their own sexual identity more comfortable in their own skin. I like how both Duke and UNC take active steps in building visibility on campus. There is a certain problem, however, that I would like to address in regards to visibility on both campuses:


Both Duke and UNC-Chapel Hill boast a center for LGBTQ life on campus: at UNC, we have the LGBTQ Center; at Duke, the Center for LGBT Life. One similarity between the two universities is the location of the centers—at UNC, the center is located on South Campus in a small office on the second floor of the student administrative building; at Duke, the center is located downstairs of the plaza, underneath The Loop. The locations of both centers are similar because they are, in my opinion, discreet.

I can tell you that, as a Carolina student, you can go months and months without even passing the building that our LGBTQ center is located. Even if you enter the building, you have to take the arduous journey in climbing the staircase to the second floor. Then, you have to roam the long hallway in search of a small office, mostly identifiable due to the bright rainbow that decorates the door window. Many of my friends who identity as LGBTQ have not visited the LGBTQ Center, and some of my heterosexual friends have no idea where it is even located.

Now that I am at Duke, I find that the Center for LGBT Life is also discreet. It may not be as bad of a location as the UNC center, but it is clearly not visible unless one is actively searching for it. I am not trying to be a hater, but I do think it is important to have more accessible and visible centers for LGBT life on both campuses. A center that is discreet or inaccessible to the average student on both campuses builds an idea to students that LGBT issues are only for those involved in LGBT life on campus. Everyone is involved in the lives of their peers, and it is important to make “visibility” a term that is important to both those involved in the LGBT community, and those who are not.

Visibility is so important, so kudos to both Duke and UNC students for taking measures in ensuring that the LGBTQ communities within both campuses are, for lack of better words, out and proud. Still, we attend two colleges where LGBTQ issues are not always on people’s minds, and having a physical location that is visible to all types of students, regardless of their sexuality, builds upon the notion that the LGBTQ movement is one that is shared.

In the meantime, I think it's time I get me a rainbow flag to hang outside my own dorm window. You never know how even the smallest things (like a rainbow button!) can affect a person's thinking--

Until my next post, be amazed and be amazing, while cultivating pluralism along the way—

Yours truly,
A Tar Devil

Why Do You Do What You Do?

When I was deciding whether to contribute to the BDU Blog, I asked myself the question that I always ask myself when I am deciding to do new things or need to reflect:

Why do you do what you do?

After much reflection, I came to a conclusion: I want to contribute to the BDU Blog because I love cultivating pluralism.

I love listening to different stories, and believe that the pluralism that is cultivated from doing this makes me a more understanding and educated individual.

Maybe my own story would help you understand what I mean by “cultivating pluralism”:

Even though I am a Tar Heel, I visited this blog a little more than a year ago, at a time when I was cultivating my own courage to come out to my friends at UNC.

Chapel Hill is a very accepting environment and, though I didn’t entirely realize it when I first came to UNC, expressing your identity and feeling comfortable in your own skin is embedded in the Carolina Way.

Even so, I decided to explore via the nifty interweb the LGBTQ resources at Duke. As a first-year, I knew I would be spending a semester at Duke during the spring semester of my sophomore year. Thus, as I was deciding whether or not to come out at Carolina, I wanted to make sure I could also be comfortable with my identity at Duke. My search led me to the BDU Blog.

The blog was amazing…I spent the entire night reading all the posts—I laughed and teared up, feeling so passionate and connected to the strangers who were courageous enough to share their stories to the world.

I decided that very week to come out to my friends at Carolina, and it was one of the most challenging and best decisions I have made in my entire life.

Now, as a sophomore spending his semester at Duke, I look back and look at the importance of this blog to people not necessarily involved or connected with the Duke LGBTQ community. This blog is full of stories, and the sharing of stories gives people hope…it gave me hope a little more than a year ago when I was making a tough decision.

I look back and see how these stories made me feel safe at a time when I was really afraid, and how they made many of my friends and allies at UNC more aware of the LGBTQ environment at Duke.

I look forward and see how I will share these stories with my family when I cultivate even more courage and come out to them, proudly introducing my mom and dad to the support systems in place for members of the LGBTQ environment, a support system they could be a part of.

Finally, I look at the stories I have in the present as a sophomore, one who is proud of his identity and honored to be among those contributing a collective of stories that are reaching communities within and outside Duke.

Through my blog posts, I hope to use my Tar Heel lens to reflect upon by experiences as an out member of the LGBTQ community at Duke; ultimately, I hope to share these stories to people who are willing to listen. (it should be fun, thrilling, and uber exciting—if not any of those, it can give more reasons for Blue Devils to resent us Tar Heels)!

I kind of already have my first story imagined…so get excited!

Till then, be amazed and be amazing, while cultivating pluralism along the way—

Yours truly,
A Tar Devil