The Best and Worst Semester of My Life

Four months. Dozens of drinks. Hundreds of tears. A thousand smiles. And so many meaningful relationships formed. This has been my semester at Duke and it has been the worst and best semester of my college experience.

Why do you do what you do? This was the question I posed on my first blog post. The most uncomfortable part about being at Duke this semester was my inability to answer this question and others: Why did you act in that way—that is not you so why do you care if they like you or not? Why did you hook up with that guy—do you really like him in that way? Why are you involved in this organization—do you really believe in the work you are doing?

It has been the worst in many ways: I continuously struggled with being in love but knowing that I have to get over him; I witnessed self-destructive behavior and interpersonal violence in the forms of binge drinking and sexual assault; I dealt with extremely low self-esteem and guilt over being (what I thought of myself as) an unfit son, brother, and friend. I was dropped into new social circles and was left awake at night thinking, “I wonder if they like me or not…they probably don’t…” (it felt like my first-year of high school and college all over again); all of these things made me feel even more isolated and uncomfortable around people who identify as LGBTQ as I felt like I had to act in certain ways to fit in; many stereotypes regarding gay people were reinforced for me this semester…

It all kind of collapsed one night on the rocking chairs in the Plaza. I was a mess, and didn’t feel like going to bed because I was so tired of not wanting to wake up in the morning and face the world. I spilled out all of these feelings to my best friend, and he helped me by saying this: “Look, you may not want to get over some of this, but you have to—look to the future and what makes you excited, what makes you happy.” Duke necessarily wasn’t the reason why I felt like all of this, but it definitely was hard to be in a new environment with new people dealing with some old/new issues. I decided to go for a run that night (Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands, right?) and underwent a pretty awesome catharsis.

That night was important because I drew from my past, assessed my present, and then ran towards the future. That run was a little more than a week ago, and has allowed me to think about the how my semester at Duke has been the best in countless ways—and though the negative parts of my semester were attributed to things that went beyond my semester at Duke, the positive aspects of my semester were rooted in the Blue Devil experience:

I made SO many AMAZING friends and built upon my existing friendships in meaningful, loving ways; I dived deep into my coursework and it has been the most enjoyable academic journey of my life; I relied on myself for things that I hadn’t previously; I broke down so many stereotypes about this place, especially in regards to Greek Life; I confronted my issues with not feeling like I “fit in” in this college gay culture and tried to even determine what gay culture was at Duke and at UNC to begin with; I was single for what felt like the first time during my college experience and, though it was hard, it was rewarding; and, finally, I realized how comfortable I was at Duke—how great it was to be able to walk to class and see a familiar face, or having friends to call and get dinner with! What a joy it is to have these experiences…

I see now that these are things that I will remember from my semester at Duke. Thus, here are my lasting thoughts, inspired by this quote I read in an article (can't remember the name of it...):

"We’re conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware—beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one."

Regardless of being a student at Duke or UNC, you can get down in the dumps about a lot of things happening in life. The solution: find the beauty around you—whether this beauty is in the people you meet and the relationships formed, your classes and any knowledge gained, or the trees, flowers, and buildings that populate our universities. Challenge yourself to embrace the uncomfortable, but don’t do so in a way that forces you to detach from what makes you most like you. For me, it was my family, my friends (from Carolina and Duke), and swimming.

Even though it is a bittersweet end as I leave Duke to return to Carolina in the fall, I am so excited that there are so many opportunities for me to maintain what I experienced at Duke.

Cheers to a paradoxical semester—the best and worst four months of my life, each second spent learning about myself and others, cultivating pluralism along the way.

See you on the lighter (and arguably better) shade of blue,

A Tar Devil

Anonymous Posts(12.28.09–1.3.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

The start of next semester is so close, Everyone. I've been banking so many sleeping hours in anticipation (that's how science works, right? Right.). In all seriousness, though, while I'm dreading classes, I am looking forward so much to how this blog is going to continue trucking and evolve (!) this spring. There are some sweet changes and superexciting projects that we've got in the works.

Anyhow! Like I've said before, in the past couple of weeks You All have been like actors in a movie called "The Best Commenters." But the secret is that You are all really The Best Commenters IRL so it is not that hard of a role to play. Look at me being Captain Similes, over here. *pats self on back*

Let's keep it up! The posts from this week:

#1

So in my desperate search for something to do the last couple of days on break I stumbled upon this blog. Well I didn't exactly stumble, you might even call it a deliberate effort but that might make me sound a little desperate so you choose. How did I come upon a blog that I dare say will serve as a form of intellectual stimulation and one or two cheap laughs for the rest of my winter break? Nothing less than that age old tool all college students fear and love at the same time...Facebook. Yup, I was checking my event, found an invite to this Spring's coming GLBT and Ally Retreat and from that page found a link to the Duke Blue Devils United Page which then led me to this blog. So I guess my stumbling was more stalking but what else is Facebook good for? [Ed. Note: Nothing.]

So here I am, a Tar Heel in enemy territory. At first I think, what will your fellow Tar Heels think? But in all honesty, any site dedicated to uplifting the LGBTQ community with thought provoking stories and just plain funny material is a friend of mine. I still haven't decided whether or not I will attend the retreat this Spring. Part of me says yes because it would be a really cool opportunity to meet some really cool people from Carolina, State, and dare I say it even Duke. Another part of me, the less outgoing part, warns me that it would involve emersing myself in an environment that I'm not quite completely comfortable in. I'll admit that I've only ever been to two GLBTSA meetings in the Fall and I'm not sure if I'm quite ready to spend a weekend with my fellow gays. At the risk of sounding like a mentally unstable individual, that first part of me thinks that last thought is absolutely ridiculous. What can the GLBTQ community do to me but nurture me and give me a place to feel comfortable enough to be myself? I mean worst case scenario, I meet my match when it comes to being a DIVA as most of my close friends often affectionately call me. Anyway, I'll spare you all the specifics of my internal conflicts. I just want to say that so far, I've thoroughly enjoyed this blog and look forward to keeping up with it in the near future. Looks like you Blue Devils ain't half as bad as I was made to believe...just don't tell any of my fellow Tar Heels I said that!

[Ed. Note: Hey Tar Heel :) Know that similarly, UNC's GLBTSA is always a friend of BDU. We're happy to have you as a reader! It's become really apparent since the blog's launch that even though our stories are highly personal, they are far from Duke-specific and are so often immediately relatable to many, many visitors from off campus (like I've said before, we've been visited by 44 countries and 44 states). We're infinitely grateful for our non-Duke Readers and invite them to visit and participate just as much.

For those unfamiliar, this is the retreat that this contributor is talking about. I'll see you there, #1!].

#2

I wonder if she's here. Sometimes I wonder if I'm meant to find her here at Duke. Sure, I've fallen for a bunch of straight girls, but that can't mean anything. I'm wondering if SHE is here-that girl who, I just can't get over how amazing she is. If she's here, I hope she comes out. And if she's already out, I hope she has the courage to approach me. I've finally convinced myself to be visible next semester around the Center...I just hope she's there.

[Ed Note: I s'pose we'll be seeing you, too, #2! Awesome. I hope She's there with us, of course :) You are definitely helping Her, though, in doing your part to increase visibility on campus. If we build upon our Community...]