Stereotypes Are Fun!

At least, I think they are. 

At Monday's meeting of Man to Man*, there was a discussion about stereotypes, how we deal with them, and where they come from.

I spoke about how I like to play into some stereotypes of a gay male. One such stereotype being that we are all incredibly knowledgeable and into fashion. We are all fantabulous, impeccable dressers with great taste and a natural flare for clothing. Some gay men might hate this stereotype because it doesn't describe them at all. Others may not mind it much because they actually do have a passion for fashion. I, on the other hand, like to think that I fall somewhere in the middle. While I do enjoy dressing nicely and think I do a pretty good job at matching colors, I know next to nothing about actual fashion (You're wearing a Gucci suit? Is that a special kind like a two- or three-button?). And, I know what I like and what I think looks good. So, every once in a while, I'll see a girl walk by with a really fierce pair of shoes on and I'll exclaim a somewhat high-pitched "YYYYYYAAAAAAASSSSS GURL! You are WERKING those shoes!" or something to that effect. 

It actually took me a while to realize that I was actually doing this. There was nothing wrong with it though. The girl always appreciated the compliment and it was just my way of being nice. But why would I say it in such a flamboyant manner? There's nothing wrong with doing things in a flamboyant manner, but it just wasn't something that I did. I never thought of myself as having that aspect to my personality. I started wondering whether it was actually a part of my personality that I was just becoming more familiar and comfortable with or if it was just me performing the stereotype that was prescribed to me. I sort of came to the conclusion that it was just me developing who I am as a person and even if this new aspect was foreign to me, I should totally embrace it.

And I do. But why did it cause me so much trouble? Well, because I like to think of myself as a stereotype breaker. From my childhood, I was told of the different stereotypes of Black men raised in poverty that I would never fall into if my mom had anything to do about it. I wasn't going to be a high school drop out, drug dealer, gang member who ends up in jail. I was going to defy what society said, statistically speaking, was going to happen to me. And so, I adopted that into every aspect of my life, including my sexuality. I wanted to defy every stereotype possible and leave people constantly guessing, never quite sure how to fit me into their narrow box of who they thought I should be or how I should act.

Which leads me to why I think stereotypes are fun. I think they're fun because you can play with them. You can confuse the heck out of people when you warp the stereotypes they already have about you. I've done it and it's so much fun. You can actually see their mental CPU saying DOES NOT COMPUTE! You can watch their facial expressions as they try to deal with the overload. And it's so much fun! For example, I can drop a really flamboyant line about how I love your outfit and then turn around and name all of the NFL teams. But wait, I'm gay right? So I'm not supposed to know football. *brain implodes*

It's all about finding power in those stereotypes, using that with which they try to limit us as a source of strength. It's in this that we can find solace and security. Instead of feeling trapped by the stereotypes that don't fit me (because, let's be honest, I know that I do fit some stereotypes but not others), I throw them back in the face of whoever is trying to give it to me. I mean, isn't that the reason we all hate stereotypes? Because people think that they apply to everyone one, but they don't. So, I think of it as my job to set the record straight (lolz) and tell them where the line is and not to cross it again. And it doesn't have to be done in a mean, angry way. I'm a huge fan of a subtle, snarky retort that let's them know they're wrong and you don't like it but it's ok. Just be more careful next time.

All I'm saying is that stereotypes are harmful for everyone. People hate it when they get stereotyped and those who do the stereotyping will never know they're wrong unless us stereotyped people show them. So, let's help each other out.

*Shameless plug: If you are a GBTQ male, I cannot urge you enough to at least come to one meeting of Man to Man. It's the perfect place to talk about issues that affect men in the community. There's always a great discussion and I promise you won't regret it. 

Q and A with Your Token Queer Friend

Since it’s finals week and my brain has become entirely useless, I decided to do something fun for this post. I invited my six closest friends to ask me any question they wanted about My Queer Life. I did my best to answer [most] of their questions based on my personal experiences, but of course, I’d love to hear other people’s opinions/responses! Whenever I’m talking about the community as a whole, keep in mind that my responses are based on my personal opinions/view-points and that they may not be true for everyone.

Who has been the hardest to come out to? Did you have any negative reactions?
Well, you [my best friends] were. I’m not sure why it was so hard to talk about my sexuality with you all, the people who probably know me better than anyone. Maybe that was it. Since you know me so well, I was scared that it would change something if I told you that the version of me you knew wasn’t actually who I was. It felt like I had been lying to you or something. Of course, you all knew who I was all along—probably even before I did. And now that we do talk about it, I realize that what changed our relationship was the fact that I hid something so important to me from you.

In terms of negative reactions, I haven’t really had any so far. The closest I’ve come to a negative reaction was one individual who, while trying to be respectful and open, asked several rather uncomfortable questions. Perhaps uncomfortable isn’t the right word…it was more that they were coming from a very skewed perspective.

Do you feel you've been able to express more/different parts of your personality since you've been out (cliche but do you feel more YOU)?
I absolutely feel more ‘me’ now that I’ve started coming out. I feel as though I gained a lot of self-confidence when I came out, which helps me to express myself in all types of situations. The weight of trying to hide something so central to your identity inevitably has consequences that affect how you live your life and how you interact with other people on a daily basis. Feeling confident in myself has allowed other aspects of my personality to become more vibrant.

Who is expected to pay for the first date? What's the protocol?
Generally, I think that whoever makes the invitation should pay. Then again, in my experience same-sex dating is much more egalitarian than heterosexual dating. Rather than there being the expectation that the ‘gentleman’ should always pay, there seems to be an expectation that same-sex couples will take turns paying. Offering to pay for dinner/a movie/whatever else people do on dates is a really nice gesture that certainly isn’t lost when you’re both making the effort.

What's considered sex for lesbians?
This pretty much sums it up.

Are there any terms/phrases/questions that someone has said offhandedly that you considered offensive? And on the flip side, can you think of anything that other people may tiptoe around because they think it's offensive but actually it's not? Do you find it offensive when girls jokingly refer to themselves as lesbians?
I can’t think of anything that people have said offhandedly that I find offensive. People seem to generally mean well, and if they don’t, they tend to make their offensive statement very clear. The only word that I consider offensive is “dyke”—but then again, I’m only offended when someone who is not a queer woman uses it.

It seems like people tiptoe around the word ‘homosexual’, and I’ve even had someone directly ask me if it’s offensive. I personally don’t find it offensive, just awkward. I probably wouldn’t talk about any of my straight friends as heterosexuals—it’s weird, right?

I’m not sure if I would say that I’m offended when girls jokingly refer to themselves as lesbians, but I am annoyed by it. First of all, I think joking about being a lesbian trivializes the way queer women feel and live their life. The fact that I date women isn’t funny—it’s just normal. Secondly, I feel as though the context of these jokes is usually the bigger issue. It’s frustrating when girls pretend to be lesbians to get male attention (#mixedsignals?) or call themselves lesbians because they’re wearing not-so-feminine clothing (#lesbianslikeskirtstoo). We know you want to be one of us, but you can’t. Get over it.

How do you think same sex relationships compare to straight ones? Are there 'roles' as often stereotyped or not so much?
Same-sex relationships are pretty much exactly the same as straight relationships. Same-sex couples go on dates, cuddle, fight, make-up, work on communication, fall in love, get jealous, break-up, and do it all over again. As far as there being ‘roles’ in the relationship, I think that there are always roles that people play: someone is the pursuer, someone prefers to be pursued, someone likes planning dates, someone brings up the difficult topics that need to be discussed, someone typically initiates sex, and so on. I feel that in general, who plays these roles within a relationship depends on the personality of each partner, not their gender.

Do people usually assume you’re straight or gay?
I think that people generally assume I’m gay, but then again, who knows. People surprise me sometimes.

Would you say as many lesbians want to or plan on have children as straight girls?
I’m not entirely sure about this one. My initial reaction is that whether or not women want to have children isn’t really impacted by their sexuality. These days, people have so many options in terms of starting a family that it is perfectly reasonable for same-sex couples to have the same hopes/expectations about having children that opposite-sex couples do. However, my experience with this topic is limited, so I would love to hear other people’s opinions!

Do you think you can tell if others are gay better than most people? How?
I think I have a pretty good ‘gaydar’. Maybe it’s because being queer means that I know what it’s like to go through the process of questioning/coming out, or maybe I’m just particularly perceptive. Who knows? I think it’s pretty easy to pick up on the innate sense of confidence that queer individuals have (yes, even those of us who are super awkward have this confidence).

As far as the gay community and your relationships with other lesbians increasing.. what's your relationship with gay men like?
Great question! While I have met more gay men since I came out and started hanging out at the Center, I definitely wouldn’t say that I’ve built any significant relationships with gay men. I’m not sure if this is a product of the LGBTQ community at Duke being divided in some senses, or if it’s because I tend not to build strong relationships with men in general (gay or straight).


What do you do if a guy tries to hit on you? Do you tell them right away, play hard to get because that's funny, let them keep talking..?
Let me start by saying this doesn’t happen very often…most guys seem to get the idea pretty quickly. For those that don’t, my first reaction is a pity laugh (haha not really…but it is kind of sad). I don’t feel the need to out myself right away—“Hey, how’s it going? My name’s Logan and I’m into girls.” Awkward. Making polite conversation is nice and an easy way to work in little details that will let them know I’m not interested. You have to give them props for making the effort, right?

That said, when a guy tries to hit on me for his sister, I’m all for it! #truestory


The heterosexual Duke relationship culture is generally viewed as hook-up oriented, what's the Duke lesbian relationship culture? How would you say it's different?
In my opinion, the ‘lesbian relationship culture’ is very much relationship-oriented rather than hook-up oriented. The stereotype that queer women tend to get in serious relationships really quickly seems to be true—if anyone has an explanation for why this is I would love to hear it! Realistically, queer women on campus can’t really afford to be hook-up oriented because the community is so small. The chances of finding another queer woman at Shooters—much less having a D-floor make-out with her—are pretty low. That’s not to say that women don’t want to pursue hook-ups instead of relationships, but rather that the community isn’t big enough for that to work—inevitably, you’ll end up hooking-up with a girl your best friend dated two years ago who cheated on her with your other best friend who’s now dating a new girl, who also happened to have a fling with the girl you just hooked up with. You get the point.

Girls often dress "slutty" to attract male attention, what do you do to attract female attention?
Get a queer haircut and wear flannel? Joking. Kind of. I don’t usually make a conscious effort to attract attention. I find confidence most attractive, so I guess that goes both ways? For me, the most important thing is feeling good about the way I’m presenting myself.

What is something you've learned about women that you might not have?
Interacting with other women in a romantic context is very different from a purely platonic one. It’s hard to name anything very specific that I’ve learned, but I think it’s fair to say that I respect women so much more after coming out. Maybe that sounds weird, and it’s certainly not implying that I didn’t respect them before, but it seems like ‘respect’ really is the best word for it. I think I always viewed women in a heterosexual context as being almost dependent on men in relationships—not really taking charge of what they wanted. Seeing queer women as strong, independent, confident, and inspired is really awesome.

What's the biggest advantage to being a lesbian?
Getting to date girls. Girls are great :)

Black and Not So Proud

I’m going to discuss my observations about queer black women in media (specifically in the USA). I will also abuse parentheses; you have been warned.

Regardless of what anyone thinks, you can’t deny that there is some sort of strange relationship between sexual identity and race—not in the “people of this race aren’t gay” sort of way, but in the “famous people of this race tend to not be out if they’re gay” as often as famous people of other races sort of way. And things like that can lead to all sorts of foolishness. Anyone remember when some guy wrote a book and sent it to Uganda and how that inspired the Anti-Gay bill they were trying to pass a few years ago? Rachel Maddow going to town on the author of a "cure gayness" book.

And it would be easier disprove idiotic statements such as “race effects whether or not you’re gay” if there were more people of influence that were the physical manifestation of a counterargument. However, that is not the case. I don’t know whether or not that’s the fault of the not-so-good background race has within US history (yes, I’m talking about the US, specifically), or if there’s some cultural incidence of shame and fear within communities of color/the black community. What is it about black “pride” that makes it so difficult?

So, besides debunking the myth of “blacks aren’t LGBT identified, ever”, why else would we need out, black people of influence?

Well, this may or may not sound ridiculous, but some of us (read: all of us, whether you believe it or not) look to the media as an example in many different aspects of our lives. And while stereotypes are awful, I kind of think they have their uses. One way the media helps is by giving us “not so obvious” LGBT individuals ways to drop visual cues on our somewhat unobtrusive sexualities. Being (what I can only simplify to) bi has its troubles. How can one find a middle ground between attracting heterosexual/bi men and homosexual/bi women? …If you find an answer to that, let me know, because apparently I’m not doing it right (read: I get asked to dinner by men and called straight when I go to gay clubs. Yes, that's happened on two separate occasions). In this situation, many people turn to the media for help.

Let’s go for the simple, common example: the (often times symbolic) cutting of hair. A lot of white/Asian/non-black queer women cut their hair to shorter, “more masculine” lengths. As MUCH as I’d love to cut my hair to reflect my inner queerness that won’t do (and please, don’t preach to me about stereotypes—you know when you see a woman who’s under 30 with short hair you probably add “queer” to your mental list of possible classifications… vegetarian too, am I right? :P) Unfortunately, black woman + short hair does NOT = queer.

So, after that realization, I decided to do some research. It was like a math problem. Black woman + x = queer black woman (with x defined as a visual/physical cue).

And by research, I really mean research. While I could name a BUNCH of non-black queer women in the media, I really couldn’t do so much for black queer women. My train of thought was something like this:

“Um… let’s see… Wanda Sykes? And… um… Queen Latifah. Wait, she doesn’t really count, because we’re still a bit unsure… well… I got nothing. OH WAIT, Nicki Minaj… but, isn’t she denying it now? …Why can’t Ellen just be black? Or better yet, why can’t Oprah just be a lesbian?”

And then a dead end. Eventually, after many unsuccessful google searches, I was given this video by a friend. Essentially, this list contains a lot of women you wouldn’t hear of unless you were into politics and reading; writers, activists, poets (though, in retrospect, I DID know a few more than Wanda, which made me happy).

Anyway, to wrap this up, the main point of this is essentially that American media is telling the world that black queer women are rare/don't exist (which can’t be the case). But then again, allowing the media to define and represent the world is a bad idea. “Dark skinned” black women, myself included, wouldn’t exist at all if left up to the media because I’ve observed it is usually only “safely ethnic” black women who get screen time/get to represent all black women on TV and in movies. (Support for this observation: here and here, with pictures). But that’s enough digression.

Side note: Dreads for me, yes or no? No? Yeah, whatever, I kind of want to do this anyway, but maybe shorter.

Side side note: I'm obviously not being serious about my first side note, in case you were wondering.

The Evil We Deplore

On September 14, 2001, the U.S. House of Representatives took up House Joint Resolution 64, giving President Bush broad authority to pursue those responsible for the attacks of September 11th. The resolution would pass the Senate by a vote of 98-0 and the House by a vote of 420-1.

During debate on the floor, Rep. Barbara Lee (D-CA), the lone dissenting member of Congress, rose to speak. Overcome with emotion, she managed to eloquently state her fear of the US rushing to judgment and urged the use of restraint. She concluded her speech with the line, “As we act, let us not become the evil that we deplore.”

I feel that rushing to judgment is a large problem within the LGBT community, especially at Duke. Don’t get me wrong, I love the LGBT community here. I was skeptical of pride, but ended up going and having a fantastic time. For me, events like pride and coming out day strip away social pressures and enable me to experience new and freer dimensions of my personality. Sure, I don’t share identical hobbies and interests with every student that identifies as LGBT. God knows how hard it is to convince someone to sign up for an IM soccer team let alone drag them to a Duke football game.

Yet too often I find myself using my own hobbies and interests to try to carve out my own sphere of privilege within the LGBT community, to drive a stake between others and myself. Even more so, I find myself typecasting other groups on campus in an effort to reaffirm my identity - to place on a pedestal the communities I choose to belong to. Stereotypes often carry some degree of truth, but by no means are they universal within groups of people. Believe it or not, not all athletes and Christians are homophobes and not all frat kids are womanizing monsters. Yet living at Duke, it becomes difficult to move past the shallowness of these labels. It becomes hard to differentiate between and relate to groups you aren't in daily contact with. Often, the stereotype is all that lingers as a result.

My capacity for empathizing has fallen victim to father time and my personal Duke experience. Hindsight bias really is a nasty little bugger. Today, it seems ridiculous that I didn’t like heights, sushi, alcohol, or the color orange. I have a tendency to take every game in Cameron Indoor Stadium for granted. This morning, I pulled up a political science paper I wrote freshman year and realized I’ve retained nearly zero of that information.

Quite frankly, the further I move into the future, the harder time I have placing myself in the shoes of my 18-year-old self, the more difficult it becomes to take off and clean the glasses Duke has placed upon me. I’ve been blessed with a rather laissez-faire, free spirited personality and perspective on life. Being out has enabled me to move past the taxing, introspective state of being closeted. But too often I use that as an excuse to turn the other way. The pressure to fit in with your peers, existing definitions of masculinity, the fear of being solely defined by your sexuality, and the simple fear of the unknown are issues that wreak havoc on Duke students every day. These are salient issues that are shared by all members of the LGBT community.

Students who are comfortably out are a privileged group at Duke. We should not forget that. For a community that preaches tolerance, acceptance, and unity, too often we preoccupy ourselves highlighting our differences rather than cherishing what we have in common. As I strive to become a better learner, friend, athlete, worker, and person, I need to stop diminishing the currency in which I trade. I need to prevent myself from becoming the very stereotyping and polarizing evil I deplore.

Duke is fantastic, but let us not forget those who remain silent, and let us not forget the younger versions of ourselves.

My Boring Life

My mother (how I do love her so), recently told me in a text that she enjoyed my roommate's post, and was wondering if I was going to post at all this year. I told her, "Meh, my life really isn't interesting enough to warrant a blog post." To which she responded, verbatim, "how about the joy of having a boring life!...How many closeted kids out there do you think would love to have a "boring" life?" So, I'm going to take a departure from the usual heart wrenching stories posted on this blog (which are some of the most amazing stories I have ever read. If you're new to the blog, seriously, take a look through the archives. "Our Lives" >> Math 103 homework). I know the prospect of coming out and discovering who you are can be quite daunting. I remember thinking that coming out would shake my world as I knew it, and that I would never be able to lead a "normal" life. I hope to prove to you that some of Our Lives, the lives of out men and women at Duke, are quite...average.

Weekdays are pretty much all the same. I wake up at about 9 every morning. Eat breakfast on the way to class. Sit through class. etc, etc. We're all Duke students, we all know what the average weekday grind is.

Weekends are also pretty normal. Most Saturdays are currently taken up by band. I usually spend one night a week hanging with the same old people (either Round Table or band friends). Sundays are usually spend in Perkins, catching up on the work that I should have done earlier in the week.

President Broadhead sent us (the sophomore class, I'm not sure if Juniors or Seniors got it) an email at the beginning of the year telling us to break our molds and try something new. But, to be entirely honest, I love my mold. Call me boring if you want, but nothing brings me more joy than going through my routine.

I am single and content in being so. This is a post for another time, but because my sexuality is very low on the list of identities and labels with which I align, I delight in all of the other "boring" aspects of my life. In fact, the "gayest" thing about me right now is the flag outside my window, but that isn't even for me. That is for You. So that You can hopefully feel comfortable on this campus. I fly that flag with the hopes that You can, like me, find a mold in which You feel comfortable. And I certainly hope You know that You can be openly LGBT identified individual and still lead a perfectly normal, "boring" life.

The Best and Worst Semester of My Life

Four months. Dozens of drinks. Hundreds of tears. A thousand smiles. And so many meaningful relationships formed. This has been my semester at Duke and it has been the worst and best semester of my college experience.

Why do you do what you do? This was the question I posed on my first blog post. The most uncomfortable part about being at Duke this semester was my inability to answer this question and others: Why did you act in that way—that is not you so why do you care if they like you or not? Why did you hook up with that guy—do you really like him in that way? Why are you involved in this organization—do you really believe in the work you are doing?

It has been the worst in many ways: I continuously struggled with being in love but knowing that I have to get over him; I witnessed self-destructive behavior and interpersonal violence in the forms of binge drinking and sexual assault; I dealt with extremely low self-esteem and guilt over being (what I thought of myself as) an unfit son, brother, and friend. I was dropped into new social circles and was left awake at night thinking, “I wonder if they like me or not…they probably don’t…” (it felt like my first-year of high school and college all over again); all of these things made me feel even more isolated and uncomfortable around people who identify as LGBTQ as I felt like I had to act in certain ways to fit in; many stereotypes regarding gay people were reinforced for me this semester…

It all kind of collapsed one night on the rocking chairs in the Plaza. I was a mess, and didn’t feel like going to bed because I was so tired of not wanting to wake up in the morning and face the world. I spilled out all of these feelings to my best friend, and he helped me by saying this: “Look, you may not want to get over some of this, but you have to—look to the future and what makes you excited, what makes you happy.” Duke necessarily wasn’t the reason why I felt like all of this, but it definitely was hard to be in a new environment with new people dealing with some old/new issues. I decided to go for a run that night (Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands, right?) and underwent a pretty awesome catharsis.

That night was important because I drew from my past, assessed my present, and then ran towards the future. That run was a little more than a week ago, and has allowed me to think about the how my semester at Duke has been the best in countless ways—and though the negative parts of my semester were attributed to things that went beyond my semester at Duke, the positive aspects of my semester were rooted in the Blue Devil experience:

I made SO many AMAZING friends and built upon my existing friendships in meaningful, loving ways; I dived deep into my coursework and it has been the most enjoyable academic journey of my life; I relied on myself for things that I hadn’t previously; I broke down so many stereotypes about this place, especially in regards to Greek Life; I confronted my issues with not feeling like I “fit in” in this college gay culture and tried to even determine what gay culture was at Duke and at UNC to begin with; I was single for what felt like the first time during my college experience and, though it was hard, it was rewarding; and, finally, I realized how comfortable I was at Duke—how great it was to be able to walk to class and see a familiar face, or having friends to call and get dinner with! What a joy it is to have these experiences…

I see now that these are things that I will remember from my semester at Duke. Thus, here are my lasting thoughts, inspired by this quote I read in an article (can't remember the name of it...):

"We’re conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware—beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one."

Regardless of being a student at Duke or UNC, you can get down in the dumps about a lot of things happening in life. The solution: find the beauty around you—whether this beauty is in the people you meet and the relationships formed, your classes and any knowledge gained, or the trees, flowers, and buildings that populate our universities. Challenge yourself to embrace the uncomfortable, but don’t do so in a way that forces you to detach from what makes you most like you. For me, it was my family, my friends (from Carolina and Duke), and swimming.

Even though it is a bittersweet end as I leave Duke to return to Carolina in the fall, I am so excited that there are so many opportunities for me to maintain what I experienced at Duke.

Cheers to a paradoxical semester—the best and worst four months of my life, each second spent learning about myself and others, cultivating pluralism along the way.

See you on the lighter (and arguably better) shade of blue,

A Tar Devil

The 20 Ways in Which I am Stereotypically (and Fabulously) Gay

So my last post, entitled “The 20 Ways in Which I am not Stereotypically Gay” caused a mini-riot in the blogosphere with accusations ranging from misogyny to sexism. I could preface this with a statement about how the reason for this post is to point out the frivolity of stereotypes, not to suggest that conformity is superior to non-conformity or vice-versa, but my prefacing was largely ignored last post, so I’ll just get right into it. The list:

1. I LOVE Lady Gaga—I went to the concert in Raleigh, was in the front row, was dressed up in an outfit that included a hubcap, and yelled very shameful things at the stage concerning my love.

2. I enjoy wearing high heels—They make me feel powerful, and I’m all for abolishing gender norms.

3. I like glitter—and really anything shiny for that matter. Gold patent-leather shoes? Fine by me.

4. I am a vegetarian—For ecological and economic reasons. You should be a vegetarian too!

5. I am a Democrat—and proud of it!

6. I have a significant number of rainbow-colored objects in my life—flags, bandanas, streamers, hats, stickers, etc.

7. I am an activist!

8. I am a good dancer—I went to a youth summit over thanksgiving break and got the best dancer award, so this is verified by a third party

9. I have taken ballet—which is surprisingly the most heterosexual I’ve ever felt, because I groped girls every time I did a pas de deux.

10. I’m goofy—and as a corollary, I use the word “silly” quite often.

11. I like Whole Foods and most organic products

12. I own something made by Gucci—which happens to be a pair of gold bowling shoes that I got at a gay-owned consignment store.

13. I like art museums. TONS.

14. I feel comfortable and at home in a coffee shop.

15. As an UPDATE from my last list, I got my most recent haircut not at Great Clips, but at a place called “Lavish Hair Spa” by a gay man named Danny (who has done Rupaul’s makeup before, nbd.)

16. And speaking of Rupaul, I both love drag shows and have performed in one.

17. I also like Beyonce, and Rhianna, and LaRoux.

18. I watch the Food Network (Paula Deen is my favorite)

19. I am pretty fabulous

20. I like kitties, and pictures of small, furry animals make me squeal like I was a small, furry animal.

So that’s the second installment of the list. Look out for the third and final installment “20 Things that are interesting about me completely independent of stereotypes.”

The 20 Ways in Which I am Not Stereotypically Gay

Let’s face it; there are a lot of stereotypes of gay men. Some of them are good and some of them are bad, but all of them are damaging in that they attempt to tell gay men how they should behave and enable society to marginalize the diversity of the gay community, so I figured that I’d write up a quick list of all the ways in which I am not stereotypically gay. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with conforming to stereotypes concerning gay men--seriously, there's not just look at the picture of me above--it’s just that the stereotypes of gay men that are culturally enforced portray an image of the gay community that is not necessarily genuine or reflective of who we are.

So, without further ado, here is my list:

1. I enjoy nature, and not just because it’s hip to be a hiker, but more because of an intrinsic love for it. Which leads me to the next thing;

2. I am not scared of bugs: as a matter of fact, I think that they’re both fascinating and kind of cute if anything.

3. I am Southern: according to some people who are from north of the Mason-Dixon line, the existence of gay southerners is shocking.

4. I loathe shopping: When I go to the mall—which I did for the first time in a year yesterday—I get in, get what I need, and get out. Racks of clothes sort of bore me.

5. I do not own a pair of pants or jeans that cost more than $50: Well, correction, I do own a pair of French jeans that cost $155, but I got them for free, and I never turn down free things

6. I am not promiscuous: While I’ve made a mistake or two in my life, I refuse to dissociate physical affection from interpersonal/emotional affection, and consequently, I’m like Kelly Clarkson, “oh, oh, I do not hook up, up, I go slow.”

7. I like music other than pop, indie, and electronica: this includes but is not limited to, bluegrass, Johnny Cash, hip-hop, opera (which I guess is pretty stereotypically gay), and Elvis.

8. Clubbing is not my raison d’etre: I would much prefer to watch a movie and cuddle.

9. I do not watch Glee, have never seen Wicked, and think that Gossip Girl is kind of a waste of time.

10. I don’t like getting drunk really.

11. I get my haircut at Great Clips.

12. I’m not scared of vaginas. After all, that is where we all came from isn’t it?

13. I’m not superficial, and if you think otherwise, we should have a serious conversation.

14. I don’t like to gossip: it’s not nice to talk about people behind their back.

15. I love power-tools and construction work.

16. My dream is not necessarily to live in New York City or San Francisco; I like the South just fine, and I’d also be fine with a village in Burma.

17. I’ve never tanned in my life, because I don’t like the idea of melanoma.

18. I value the idea of family and family structure. I aspire to be a father, to have a husband, and to someday have grandchildren.

19. I don’t mind getting dirty; not in the Christina Aguilera sense of the term, but in the I-have-mud-on-my-face-and-my-leg-is-covered-in-grass-stains sense of the term.

20. I really like Mormons. Some of my best friends in high school were Mormon and I find their spirituality and commitment to principle inspiring.

So those are my top twenty. I’d love to hear some other people’s.

Also, be on the lookout for my next post, "THE 20 WAYS IN WHICH I AM STEREOTYPICALLY GAY"

Womyn Wednesday!

[WOMYN magazine is excited to announce that we will be featuring polls from our community in the magazine! We want to hear what you have to say about LGBTQ issues, queer women and Duke! The general goal of WOMYN magazine is to increase the visibility of queer women on this campus.]

Thank you to everyone who participated in last week's poll. The responses were great, and if you haven't voted yet you still can.

We would also like to announce that we are now accepting submissions from alumni in the magazine! After talking with some past queer female alumni from Duke, we think that including alumni voices would bring a really great perspective to the magazine, and it would also serve as a great resource for current Duke students. We're really excited about connecting with our greater LGBTQ Duke community, so be sure to let your graduated friends know they can submit!

(Thanks to Tina Siadak, Summer Puente and Chantel Liggett for collectively coming up with the ideas in this poll. Go team!)

This week's WOMYN poll is:

"Which of these images comes to mind when you hear the term 'queer woman'?"

Click here to vote in this week's WOMYN poll.

Note: the responses are images for this week-you may select more than one option. Also, please note that by including a photo here, we are in no way making a statement about the photographed individual's sexuality.

Image 1, 2 (right) and 3 (bottom)

This week we want to hear your ideas on the stereotypes of queer women and how LGBTQ-identified women are perceived. This poll is meant to spark discussion. Can anybody ever "look queer"? Can the girl making out with a boy identify as queer? Could a softball player be queer? Is the woman with short hair wearing the sweater vest queer? Maybe the woman wearing a sari is queer? Or could it be the girl in the Hollister ad with a man? What does being queer mean?

Image 4, 5 (right) and 6 (bottom)

Why is it that we might associate one image with queer, but not another? Is this a misunderstanding of what it means to be LGBTQ? Let us know what you think by voting, and feel free to respond in the comments section as well if you are comfortable being quoted in the magazine. (Please provide your name and Duke affiliation as well, ex. "Jane Doe, Trinity '11).

Image 7, 8 (right) and 9 (bottom)

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Want to see the results of this week's poll? Pick up a copy of the WOMYN magazine in late Fall when it hits the newsstands!

Have an idea for next week's poll? Let us know, or email us to guest write it!

Want to submit to WOMYN magazine? Click here to look at some ideas of what to submit. (The submission deadline is September 15th.) Check out our website for more information on how to submit, and feel free to email us with any questions you might have: womynatduke@gmail.com.

Elena Kagan, Lesbians, and Women's Sports Stereotypes

Back in May President Obama nominated current Solicitor General Elena Kagan to be the next United States Supreme Court Justice. Kagan, if confirmed by the Senate, will replace retiring Justice John Paul Stevens.

Following her nomination, the news reported several key findings about her background. In addition to mostly being unsure of her stance on many issues, since she has never presided as a judge over a case, the media reported that Kagan has never married, has no children, played softball and has short hair. Well, the later of those one has to discern for themselves, which isn’t hard to do given her photo accompanies many of the articles (as it should/would for any other candidate). Nonetheless, the information is out there: She is "unmarried." She is not a mom. She has short hair. She played softball.

I’m not sure what this is supposed to mean. I mean, I know what I’m supposed to conclude. The media wants me to think that she is gay (an obvious deduction…not). Call me stupid, but I don’t really understand why those facts lead to that conclusion. These details don’t reveal to me any information about to whom she is sexually attracted.

I can’t isolate her history with softball from the other information of being unmarried or having short hair to make any assertion about the role her athlete status has on this suspicion. If she hadn’t been involved with sports, but was unmarried, without kids and had short hair, the same rumors would likely be circulating. And, if she were Jennie Finch (two-time Softball Olympic medalist), who with long blonde hair, a husband and an infant epitomizes the feminine construct, playing softball would probably not be seen as a marker for her sexual orientation. But in Kagan’s case, when all of these forces combine, a lot of people will have a hard time divorcing them from her perceived sexual orientation.

The softball storyline came out just the day after Kagan was nominated when a photo splashed across the front pageof Tuesday May 11th’s Wall Street Journal. It almost seems to me that this softball thing is supposed to be the icing on the cake, convincing people she’s gay. Like, “If yesterday you thought she was a lesbian…congratulations, you’re right! She is! Because look, she played softball!”

I don’t have to tell the readers of this blog that whether one is an athlete or not doesn’t mean anything about one’s sexuality and the assertion that it does is absolutely ludicrous. What it does tell us, though, is that she’s a competitor (even if only in a friendly way), she understands the value of teamwork and…get this: SHE LIKES SPORTS. (Is this really such a revolutionary conclusion?) Let’s not forget that Obama is a big basketball fan (he even attended the Duke-Georgetown men’s basketball game in January), but that only makes him “cool.” [sigh; double standards.]

I don’t know what to make of the fact that Kagan played other sports, yet softball was the one the media really latched onto. While completing graduate school at Oxford, Kagan was a coxswain (the small person who functions like the coach in rowing). She also played in pickup basketball games while clerking for the Supreme Court. What does it mean, though, that both of these other experiences were largely ignored in favor of softball? Does coxing pose less of a threat to patriarchy and therefore isn’t deemed to be as unfeminine because it’s not a physically exerting task? After all, the coxswain role is more analytical than anything else. But what about basketball? The stereotypes and stigmas surrounding women in basketball can be pretty harsh. Is something about softball “more gay?” [Aside: I don’t really believe in the construction of some things being ‘gay things.’ I use this language merely because I’m trying to understand how everyone else perceives different activities.]

In any case, this scenario is merely another example of the frequently tense relationship between the gay community and women’s sport. There is this stereotype which exists and like most stereotypes, there is some truth to it. By that I mean, some gay women have and continue to play sports. The problem is that this stereotype is seen as “damaging.” And I can't really argue with that on a practical level. In a homophobic culture (which ours tends to be), things associated with the LGBT community are negatively affected (even if they shouldn't be). This stigma is especially problematic when, like women's sports, the institution requires money to function and therefore relies on a capitalistic business model. It's equally problematic when the individuals affiliated with this institution feel the need to "protect" their image. What ends up happening as a result of this, though, is that the “higher ups” in women’s sport and many participating athletes seem to deny that gay women participate in athletics--which is just bad all around.

Because the truth is: some gay women play sports. Just like some straight women play sports. Some bi women play sports. Some transwomen play sports. Some tall women play sports. And some short women. And some brunettes. And blondes. And Protestants. And Catholics. And Jews. And Muslims. And...well, you get the picture.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that...I can't wait for the day when mainstream media and the rest of society finally come to understand that you can’t extrapolate anything about someone’s sexual orientation based on athletic preferences.

[For the record, Elena Kagan identifies as straight.]

I'm Coming Out... Again???

So, I've been a bit MIA on the blog for a while but with good reason. I've been working at Duke this summer doing a lot of the behind the scenes work helping to organize all the summer camps like TIP (Yeah, I'm looking at you, Brandy! :D ) I've gone back and forth about writing about this for a while but something happened recently to seal my decision.

Anyway, I work in a small office with 5 other people. They're all really great to work with and I'm pretty good friends with one of the other student workers. So I felt moderately at ease around them. That is, until one of my co-workers asked the question: Is he gay? Funny thing is, he was asking me if I thought one of our supervisors was gay despite him having a wife and children.

I honestly do not remember how I answered him. I was too caught up in the thought that maybe he was homophobic or thought gay people were destined to hell. Why was he so concerned about our supervisor's private life? The little bubble of safety I once felt now lay shattered on the ground around me. I heard a faint laughter, something mocking me: "You thought you were safe. You were wrong. *Insert evil snicker*" I panicked. I made up some excuse to leave and came back to my room. Was I going to have to come out again? Wasn't the first time enough? Is it NECESSARY that I come out? Why should I have to? But I decided to let it go and just forget about it. I was probably just overreacting anyway.

A few days ago, a different co-worker began telling me about a party his fraternity was going to throw at their off-campus house. In his attempt to win over my RSVP, he mentioned the amounts of drinks there would be and how a friend of his was going to bring "a ton of hot dancer chicks from the American Dance Festival." I looked at him and laughed. Little did he know how pathetic his attempt to make me want to go to his party only made me want to go less. Don't get me wrong. I love a good party just as much as the next guy, but by 1) using women as his selling point which infuriated me to no end and 2) thinking I was some hormone-driven dog, I had no problem turning down his offer. But then, he did something I didn't expect: "Why not?"

Oh no. I'm going to have to do it again. I'm going to have to come out to him, aren't I? Just like they did the first time I tried to come out to my friends, the words formed a simple sentence in my mind, traveled down to my lips, but couldn't pass them. If I could have turned red with anxiety, I would have. I hurriedly made up some half-baked excuse about wanting to get some rest and just relax. He left me alone. Crisis averted, right?

Temporarily, yes. But I just can't shake it. Why did I have so much trouble proclaiming something that I say so often now, something that I'm proud of? Am I still afraid of the sideways glances and evil glares? Am I terrified of the words he'll say? Do I think he'll look at me any differently? Am I really as open and proud of who I am as I'd like myself to believe? Is it just because of the people I usually surround myself with, ones that are accepting and loving and caring and open? This guy certainly isn't a person that I would normally hang out with on a regular basis. I mean, there's nothing wrong with him but it's just a mismatch of personalities and interests.

Something else struck me: I'm so worried about him judging and stereotyping me, but what if I'm doing the exact same thing to him? Could I possibly be going through this struggle because I'm stereotyping him to say what I would expect someone like him to say? Am I causing myself anxiety about being stereotyped because of my own stereotypes?

Answer: I am.

It's funny, you know. I always expect people to make leaps and bounds towards forgetting stereotypes and being more open-minded but, as evidenced by this, I still have my own progress to make in stereotyping. Part of me just wants to come out with it (pun only slightly intended) and just say I'm gay. But another part of me is mortified. I have to work with these people for the rest of the summer. What if things get awkward? Will our work dynamic suffer? On the other hand, what if there's absolutely no problem with it at all? Gah! I'm giving myself a headache going around and around in circles like this. I give up. Should I come out (with a proper parade and floats and rainbows, just kidding... sort of) or is there really no need to?

Any suggestions?

hate speech hurts. no homo(phobia).

IT'S HERE! BDU'S ANTI-HATE SPEECH CAMPAIGN IS THIS WEEK, AT LAST!

Our slogan is "hate speech hurts. No Homo(phobia)".

Cause, let's face it. Hate speech sucks and homophobia is stupid.

The point of the campaign is to raise awareness about hate speech. So many people use it without thinking about what they're saying--who they might be offending, the hate they're perpetuating and normalizing, what it really means. BDU is calling those individuals out.

We will be sponsoring various events through out the week.

3/22 MONDAY: If you want to help with the campaign, we're going to be having a work party today, Monday, at 6pm in the BC. Following that, come to bridge painting at 8pm.


3/23 TUESDAY: We're going to be spreading our brilliant posters around campus starting at 10AM. You can meet in the LGBT center to pick up supplies! We also will have representatives tabling on the plaza from 11:00 to 3:00. Tabling on the plaza includes making spray paint t-shirts, serving rainbow cupcakes, and getting people to take a pledge not to use hate-speech and speak up when they hear it in return for a rainbow ribbon!

2/25 THURSDAY: More tabling on the plaza from 11-3! (see above, 3/23 Tuesday for details about tabling).

We need people to sign up to help with tabling! Please visit the doodle poll and sign up. Even if you've never done anything with BDU, come by the table, make friends and lend a hand. In all honesty, tabling for last year's Day of Silence was my first real BDU event--so don't be shy. Tabling is a great way to get to know people and help change the world!!

To sum it all up...BDU's anti-hate speech campaign includes:
1. AMAZING/gorgeous posters w/ snarky, in-your-face messages!
2. Pledge-signing!
3. Banners!
4. RAINBOW CUPCAKES!!!
5. Ribbons!
6. To-die-for t-shirts! (Seriously, you'll want one, they're awesome!)

Questions? Email me, Risa, at rfi@duke.edu.

I effing hate hate speech, but I LOVE BDU!!

Stereotypes

I'm going to get right to the point: stereotypes annoy me. All kinds. Yes, sometimes they are applicable to people, but I dislike when people automatically assume things.

For instance, the night of the Super Bowl, my common room was filled with people watching the game. I had so much homework, I only dropped in occasionally, but when the Saints had won, I was overjoyed. I had been rooting for them from almost the start of the season. Then, a friend of mine came in disappointed. She had been rooting for the Colts. When I told her I was happy for the Saints, she said "What do you know about football? You're gay." I'm sure she meant it in a joking way, but then I spent five minutes showing that not only did I know a lot about football, I'm also an athlete and have been one for 10 years. People don't bat an eyelash when I tell them I sing and love musical theater or Project Runway, but I tell them I'm into sports and suddenly that's so surprising, just because I'm a gay man.

The same has happened to some of my lesbian friends. One was talking to her ex on Facebook and showed us a picture of her. This woman was very attractive, and one of the guys in the room, on seeing her, turns to my friend and says "SHE'S a lesbian? Damn, you can't even tell anymore." I turn to him, incredulous. No, believe it or not, you can't. In fact, you couldn't tell previously. Contrary to what I'm afraid is popular belief, outward appearance is not a good indicator of sexual orientation. I have met incredibly "feminine" straight men, and I've met gay guys that are more "masculine" than most straight ones. It just annoys me that people will typecast others just from looking at them. It's not fair. Another story, my friend Alicia from high school and I were at the mall, and a guy from our school came up and was hitting on her. She told him she wasn't interested, she liked girls. He says "You're a lesbian? But you're attractive enough to get guys."

...

...

I would've been really pissed off at him if I wasn't feeling so sorry. He picked the WRONG lesbian to say that to.

Just because people are homosexual does not mean you can immediately ascribe characteristics to them. Everyone is different, that's that. You shouldn't assume things about them. It's not fair.