The Best and Worst Semester of My Life

Four months. Dozens of drinks. Hundreds of tears. A thousand smiles. And so many meaningful relationships formed. This has been my semester at Duke and it has been the worst and best semester of my college experience.

Why do you do what you do? This was the question I posed on my first blog post. The most uncomfortable part about being at Duke this semester was my inability to answer this question and others: Why did you act in that way—that is not you so why do you care if they like you or not? Why did you hook up with that guy—do you really like him in that way? Why are you involved in this organization—do you really believe in the work you are doing?

It has been the worst in many ways: I continuously struggled with being in love but knowing that I have to get over him; I witnessed self-destructive behavior and interpersonal violence in the forms of binge drinking and sexual assault; I dealt with extremely low self-esteem and guilt over being (what I thought of myself as) an unfit son, brother, and friend. I was dropped into new social circles and was left awake at night thinking, “I wonder if they like me or not…they probably don’t…” (it felt like my first-year of high school and college all over again); all of these things made me feel even more isolated and uncomfortable around people who identify as LGBTQ as I felt like I had to act in certain ways to fit in; many stereotypes regarding gay people were reinforced for me this semester…

It all kind of collapsed one night on the rocking chairs in the Plaza. I was a mess, and didn’t feel like going to bed because I was so tired of not wanting to wake up in the morning and face the world. I spilled out all of these feelings to my best friend, and he helped me by saying this: “Look, you may not want to get over some of this, but you have to—look to the future and what makes you excited, what makes you happy.” Duke necessarily wasn’t the reason why I felt like all of this, but it definitely was hard to be in a new environment with new people dealing with some old/new issues. I decided to go for a run that night (Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands, right?) and underwent a pretty awesome catharsis.

That night was important because I drew from my past, assessed my present, and then ran towards the future. That run was a little more than a week ago, and has allowed me to think about the how my semester at Duke has been the best in countless ways—and though the negative parts of my semester were attributed to things that went beyond my semester at Duke, the positive aspects of my semester were rooted in the Blue Devil experience:

I made SO many AMAZING friends and built upon my existing friendships in meaningful, loving ways; I dived deep into my coursework and it has been the most enjoyable academic journey of my life; I relied on myself for things that I hadn’t previously; I broke down so many stereotypes about this place, especially in regards to Greek Life; I confronted my issues with not feeling like I “fit in” in this college gay culture and tried to even determine what gay culture was at Duke and at UNC to begin with; I was single for what felt like the first time during my college experience and, though it was hard, it was rewarding; and, finally, I realized how comfortable I was at Duke—how great it was to be able to walk to class and see a familiar face, or having friends to call and get dinner with! What a joy it is to have these experiences…

I see now that these are things that I will remember from my semester at Duke. Thus, here are my lasting thoughts, inspired by this quote I read in an article (can't remember the name of it...):

"We’re conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware—beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one."

Regardless of being a student at Duke or UNC, you can get down in the dumps about a lot of things happening in life. The solution: find the beauty around you—whether this beauty is in the people you meet and the relationships formed, your classes and any knowledge gained, or the trees, flowers, and buildings that populate our universities. Challenge yourself to embrace the uncomfortable, but don’t do so in a way that forces you to detach from what makes you most like you. For me, it was my family, my friends (from Carolina and Duke), and swimming.

Even though it is a bittersweet end as I leave Duke to return to Carolina in the fall, I am so excited that there are so many opportunities for me to maintain what I experienced at Duke.

Cheers to a paradoxical semester—the best and worst four months of my life, each second spent learning about myself and others, cultivating pluralism along the way.

See you on the lighter (and arguably better) shade of blue,

A Tar Devil

Healthy Confrontation

As my semester at Duke slowly comes to an end, I realize how much my routine reflects that of the average Duke student: I have worked hard (kind of), played hard (REAL hard) and have, more often than not, taken what Chronicle writer Ryan Brown describes as the “something bigger than ourselves” mentality.
My semester at Duke, unlike my previous semesters at UNC, has forced me to face many unfortunate realities. One of these realities is the palpable sense of destructive gender norms that exist in the world (and the notion that feminism is a bad thing); another is the existence of individuals who are, dare I say it, conservative!
[I am not saying destructive gender norms and conservatives do not exist at UNC; rather, I am saying that they exist behind a liberal curtain and (as recent weeks have demonstrated) a safe and inclusive university façade.]
At Duke, I have interacted with conservatives, with the “I’m not a feminist, but…” students, and with those that would fight till the end to maintain the existing gender culture at Duke. I have attended a handful of meetings at the Women’s Center and have had numerous conversations with individuals, both conservative and liberal and all in between, regarding feminism. Yet, like Brown, I prefer to push my headphones into my ear and pump up the volume rather than fighting complacency and, in turn, a destructive culture. I have these conversations, but then I go on with my business, thinking to myself, “Well, we talked and they still didn’t get what I had to say…oh, well!”

What I have loved most about Duke, however, is the opportunity to have interacted with those that align themselves on the opposite sides of an issue. What I love about my semester here is the fact that I think about these things and realize my “something bigger than ourselves” mentality. And most of all, I love that I have more opportunities to not be complacent; to continue to have conversations with people, but also take action—to attend events such as Be A Man [Thursday (April 14th) at 8:30pm in McClendon 5] and Fab Friday with these people who have different views than my own.

Confrontation is uncomfortable, but healthy confrontation can be life-changing. So I encourage myself and others to have conversations with individuals who normally wouldn’t agree with you on an issue (such as feminism), befriend these individuals and listen to their stories, and then bring them to some healthy confrontational events (such as Be A Man or Fab Friday). Whether they change their minds or not is not what is important; what is important is us not subscribing to the “bigger than ourselves” mentality and taking action AND making new friends.

If there is nothing else to bond over, you and your new friend can always bond over being Blue Devils, a community I am honored to be a part of during my college experience.

When You Give Your Gal Some Advil

I have a new gal in my life. Fun facts: She’s a senior Exercise Science major at UNC and plays on the club lacrosse team. She lives with a couple roommates in a Carrboro house and has her own car. We have the same taste in music. (If you're a romantic playlist voyeur, check out my Project Playlist profile.) We talk about anything and everything, especially our shared interest in food politics. Our distance is bridged by exciting text messages during Global Health class and Friday afternoon dinners at Chapel Hill Mexican restaurants. I have a willing companion if Childish Gambino ever decides to come to North Carolina and a dance partner when "My Chick Bad" comes on at Vespa. (As much as I like Lady Gaga and Katy Perry, I can’t give anyone a proper lap dance to their music.) Each Monday when I swipe dental damns from the Know Your Status table; I know they aren’t going to be used as bookmarks.

Unfortunately, this unfurling relationship is marred by one thing: a terrible toothache. (White girl problems? I think not.) Pain radiates through the left side of my mouth at all times. I wince when I smile at cute children. My painkiller of choice, chocolate, is double-edged. I must use real drugs, like Ibuprofen (eeek!) and Advil (yikes!) Eating regular meals is also difficult. I’ve been feeling lightheaded and weak, which is derailing my exercise routine. I just completed two hell weeks, and am gearing up for a possible third. The gulf between what I need to do to get A’s and what I can do is growing wider each day.

A Facebook status about bringing soup and meds to your baby seems like the perfect way to herald the "In a Relationship" life. (This new life requires a revamped Facebook strategy, starting with a new profile picture.) Cuteness is totally Facebook worthy. It is sure to generate a torrent of comments and likes, almost as much as the status about your awesome summer internship or DukeEngage acceptance. But posting cute statuses just isn't my style. I want my Facebook output to inform, educate and entertain, not make people gag. The 43 word synopsis: After scoping out my mouth (my student health appointment isn’t until next Friday) my gal decided Orajel was not a good idea. She hooked me up with Ibuprofen and fast-acting Advil Liqui-Gels. Both of us avoid painkillers, but this is an exception.

Caring for short term, minor health issues is like riding a bicycle with training wheels. When the training wheels come off my new gal could be an incompetent asshole. But all I can expect right now, in this amorphous situation-cum-proto-relationship is what I have received. Namely, an inspection and some pills. And as much as I think I can easily take care of myself, the times in high school when when I screamed and writhed on the carpet from cramps until my mom came home indicate otherwise. Now is the time to delegate, to say no, to give myself some time for mental rehabilitation so I can finish the semester strong. That my new gal supports me in this endeavor bodes well for the future of our relationship. The first hurdle has been cleared. On to the next one.

"Fab" Friday?

I invite you to stop by Duke's Center for LGBT Life today from 4-6 for "Fab Friday." But I think you should know that the Center is frequented by more than just the fab*.

Among the regular attendees of Fab Friday and other events at the Center are:

Sports enthusiasts

Women

Athletes

Allies

Frat-stars

Pratt-stars

Sorority sisters

Conservatives

Liberals

Artists

Scientists

Musicians

(Future) Politicians

Tar-Heels

Blue Devils

Potential friends.

So if you have preconceived notions of the types of people that go (or don't go) to the Center, I'd advise you to come by this afternoon. I think you'll pleasantly surprised.

*Not that theres anything wrong with being fab, of course.

Why Do You Do What You Do?

When I was deciding whether to contribute to the BDU Blog, I asked myself the question that I always ask myself when I am deciding to do new things or need to reflect:

Why do you do what you do?

After much reflection, I came to a conclusion: I want to contribute to the BDU Blog because I love cultivating pluralism.

I love listening to different stories, and believe that the pluralism that is cultivated from doing this makes me a more understanding and educated individual.

Maybe my own story would help you understand what I mean by “cultivating pluralism”:

Even though I am a Tar Heel, I visited this blog a little more than a year ago, at a time when I was cultivating my own courage to come out to my friends at UNC.

Chapel Hill is a very accepting environment and, though I didn’t entirely realize it when I first came to UNC, expressing your identity and feeling comfortable in your own skin is embedded in the Carolina Way.

Even so, I decided to explore via the nifty interweb the LGBTQ resources at Duke. As a first-year, I knew I would be spending a semester at Duke during the spring semester of my sophomore year. Thus, as I was deciding whether or not to come out at Carolina, I wanted to make sure I could also be comfortable with my identity at Duke. My search led me to the BDU Blog.

The blog was amazing…I spent the entire night reading all the posts—I laughed and teared up, feeling so passionate and connected to the strangers who were courageous enough to share their stories to the world.

I decided that very week to come out to my friends at Carolina, and it was one of the most challenging and best decisions I have made in my entire life.

Now, as a sophomore spending his semester at Duke, I look back and look at the importance of this blog to people not necessarily involved or connected with the Duke LGBTQ community. This blog is full of stories, and the sharing of stories gives people hope…it gave me hope a little more than a year ago when I was making a tough decision.

I look back and see how these stories made me feel safe at a time when I was really afraid, and how they made many of my friends and allies at UNC more aware of the LGBTQ environment at Duke.

I look forward and see how I will share these stories with my family when I cultivate even more courage and come out to them, proudly introducing my mom and dad to the support systems in place for members of the LGBTQ environment, a support system they could be a part of.

Finally, I look at the stories I have in the present as a sophomore, one who is proud of his identity and honored to be among those contributing a collective of stories that are reaching communities within and outside Duke.

Through my blog posts, I hope to use my Tar Heel lens to reflect upon by experiences as an out member of the LGBTQ community at Duke; ultimately, I hope to share these stories to people who are willing to listen. (it should be fun, thrilling, and uber exciting—if not any of those, it can give more reasons for Blue Devils to resent us Tar Heels)!

I kind of already have my first story imagined…so get excited!

Till then, be amazed and be amazing, while cultivating pluralism along the way—

Yours truly,
A Tar Devil

Anonymous Posts (6.14.10-6.20.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

What an epic weekend, y'all. Michelle and I drove down to Duke to pay our respects say goodbye to Chris Purcell on his last day. As depressing as this may be, though, it was an awesome trip and I saw Everybody That I Need To See In My Life Right Now. Sitting around the Center with Janie, Megan, Jack, Chris, Justin, Summer, Peg and Mish was probably one of the best parts of my summer so far. I know I've said it before, but I'm SO excited for this Community next semester. Especially since I've resolved that We are going to spend every weekend at Summer's place after excursions to pick various fruits (no pun intended (pun intended)). As JH said, we should do more "beautiful things" in our lives.

I also saw the incomparable co-presidents of UNC's GLBTSA, Billy Kluttz and Alex Kilkka. The LGBT retreat dates have been set for the fall, and it sounds like it might top last year's? Maybe? That would be a very difficult thing to do and we cannot really expect that, considering last year was The Greatest Time. So many hugs. But it really does seem that we'll see unprecedented collaboration among the Triangle schools' (and maybe more!) LGBT communities. Let's do this, Everybody.

In other news, Womyn, Duke's new queer women magazine, is taking applications this week for their review board. The application can be downloaded here, and We should all fill it out. Also, actual written submissions will be accepted beginning July 1st. Think they'll accept a sonnet about Summer Puente? Because I'm sort of banking on it.

Okokok. Anonymous posts.

#1
I love Pride.
It's the only time,space, place where I feel COMPLETELY accepted, loved, embraced. And there's so much overflowing community it's overwhelming. But in an amazing way.

On another note, I think it's the only time when people read me as queer. Which is so rare I'm not used ot it. that I don't know how I feel about it..proud, but a little disoriented? Maybe I should wear a rainbow pin or bracelet to try it out how it feels in the real world? Or is that totally unnecessary to try out?...

#2
"Call me wen u can."

That's all my sister's text said. She has never asked me to call her. She always tries to minimize the contact between us, seeing as though our relationship is anything but friendly.

"She knows."

That's what went through my mind. Repeatedly. Relentlessly. I was an emotional mess and I didn't know what I was going to do. Oddly enough, the fact that I didn't know what to do is a big step from where I was before coming to Duke. Had it been last year, before my freshman year started, I would have prepared myself to outright deny anything that would label me as being gay. Not today. I actually considered just giving in and finally letting go of the secret that has bound and silenced me for eighteen years.

While putting off the inevitable, I thought about everything that could happen. Being kicked out, being rejected by every single family member, losing those I love. These situations are the most extreme; I have no substantial proof to neither quell nor confirm these outcomes. But being at Duke has changed me. I have grown tired of the facade I wear back at home. Here at Duke I don't have to pay attention to every single detail, details that could somehow lead to suspicion, suspicions that could lead to accusations. I have weighed the pros and cons in regards to coming out. Unfortunately, for many reasons, legitimate or not, I decided against coming out this summer. Call it cowardice, call it fear, call it insecurity. Heck, maybe those are accurate, but I do know that I am not quite ready yet. But I digress.

After failing to calm myself I managed to call my sister. Each second waiting for her to answer the phone allowed my mind to think of every negative outcome. I felt relieved after listening to her voicemail message, but I knew it wasn't over. A couple minutes later she called me back and I asked myself I could answer. I did. Long story short, it had nothing to do with me being gay. You'd think I let out a huge sigh of relief and laughed about it after hanging up. I didn't. In fact, I felt even worse. The reasons? I thought about how unfair society is. How people live their lives tormented by a secret. Why people even have to go through all this. This story may or may not have significance, but I'll share it anyways. I wish I didn't have to post it as an anon, but it's best that way.

I couldn't bring myself to hit done. Rob. Vague enough for the world outside of Duke, but personal enough for my community. Now I can hit done.

#3
I went back and forth debating whether or not to send this anonymous post in, but in the end I figure I might as well- I've GOT to get these thoughts out!! So i'm taking summer school at UNC, and sometimes i'll see other lesbians around campus. Well, I think they're gay but of course I can't be 100% sure. :) anyways, I really wanted to meet someone this summer. I have so much extra time on my hands and I'd love to just take someone out to dinner or something, maybe start something up, but i have no CLUE how to go about meeting someone.

argh, frustration.

alrighty, done venting for now :)

Anonymous Posts (5.24.10-5.30.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Glee was kind of whatever tonight, Readers. #amiright? Schuester is The Worst and his plot line continues to be tedious, uninteresting and as of tonight very ?. What, exactly, was he doing to Sue? Is that something that adults who are ADULTS do? Is that even what a protagonist does? It was not even necessary to break that large trophy. That was a kind of an impetuous and childish thing to do. He should meet up with a teacher at the school that can teach him sentences. And then he can use those, instead of slow clapping and devil-hornsing to communicate his awfulness.

I hate so much about the things that he chooses to be.

Also, do not say that white women cannot have soul and then have a white woman not have soul. That is not how to prove that! It is the opposite, really, of how to prove that. As Chris Purcell, The Greatest, points out, they probably should have just replayed this.

Anyhow! /rant. There are anonymous posts to be read! I see you, UNC!

#1

Please sign this petition in support of the asylum application of Iranian LGBT film director, Kiana Firouz. Her application was recently rejected and she risks deportation to Iran, where her homosexuality is condemned. Thank you.

http://www.petitiononline.com/kianaf/petition.html

#2

My first year of college had its ups and downs- at the start of the first semester, I hadn't come out to anyone but my mom. That's how it was until late September- when I realized that the anxiety I was feeling was directly related to the fact that I felt completely trapped. I spent long hours on the phone talking with my mom about how I felt such a strong need to come out but was simply terrified. I explained to her that I couldn't make friends for fear of judgement. I wanted to meet people who would just accept my sexuality, and that would be that. At this point, I had no idea just how open-minded my campus was, overall. Through my own fear of judgement, I was pre-judging the student body, which I'm sure kept me from forming some great friendships earlier on.

On October 1st, 2009, I went to UNC's LGBT center to talk to a counselor about my fears of coming out to my close friends and family, and how important it was for me to tell them. This was one of the best decisions I've made, I believe, in my life. Simply expressing my feelings to someone other than my mother for the first time gave me the courage to start the coming out process. I was met with nothing but acceptance and support over the next few months, and will forever be grateful and thankful for that. Second semester, once scheduling conflicts went away, I was able to get more involved with the LGBT community and events on campus. I was able to formulate the friendships I was longing for first semester, both inside and outside the LGBT community- no longer lacking that confidence I had lost after high school and no longer feeling as though I was carrying a burden.

Somewhere throughout my initial coming out process, my sister said to me- "Don't be so quick to judge the openness of others. You may be surprised."

She was right.