Limits

In calculus, we define the limit of a function f(x) as the value L that f(x) approaches as x gets close to some fixed point c. We say as x->c, f(x)->L. This value L does not have to be a part of the range of the function; it's a value that you approach as you get closer and closer to c, without actually getting to c. 

I think about limits a lot. Not because I've had to formalize the definition of a limit in my Advanced Calculus class (over, and over, and over...). No, it's not because it's such an important reference from Mean Girls. It's because I think about how close I get to speaking up, approaching a guy, and get the courage to ask him out...

and never actually do it.

It's semiformal season, and I would like to ask somebody to come with me. But the sheer thought of going up to the person I like and mincing words together that make me sound like an intelligible human being gives me chills. I've sat in my room contemplating the worst forms of rejection I could potentially face, and every time, when I realize that I'm just wasting time and energy, I become a little more courageous and approach the limit that I'm interested in evaluating. Yet when it comes to the actual execution, I retreat, and move farther away from the limit.

I like to think I know my limits. I know who is and who isn't within my options, or so I think. Every person that I've liked recently falls within my "not gonna happen" category, due to the lack of faith I have in myself. Instead of attempting to move closer to my point of interest, I try and build an open set around my current location in my development and hope to capture my limit of interest. This open set seems closed from my perspective, and I shut out everybody because I find that I'm still not ready.

I've spent the past year "free-of-thinking-about-relationships" because I needed to take care of myself. Previously, I found my relationship function going on tangent curves and taking on indeterminate values because I did not have time to evaluate my personal limits when I was scrambling to find a boyfriend. My self-esteem was on an asymptote, heading for negative infinity and lacking any hopes for increasing. Once I started taking care of myself, my functions became bounded and smoother, and I have found myself at a stable equilibrium.

But now that I've worked on improving myself, taking time to evaluate my limits, I'm back to confusion at the limit of a potential relationship as I approach this guy. I want to make sure I'm avoiding an unstable point, and getting closer and closer to building up my courage.

I'm not content with approaching the limit and getting closer and closer.

I want to reach this elusive point.

The limit unfortunately does not tell us what the function is at this point. The limit gives the behavior as you get closer and closer, but often, as is life, the function is discontinuous, and the evaluation is not the same as the limit. This is a concern in prediction, because even if the limit seems certain, no matter how "confident" I think I will be rejected, as the limit tells me, there is still the opportunity for a disjunction, and I might be happily surprised.

The curve is status quo; it's reaching beyond the toolbox of limitations that makes this so much fun.

Learning to Love Myself

I don’t know whether or not I am capable of truly loving someone. Of course, I love my family very deeply, but I have never been ‘in love’ with anyone. I know, I know, I’m only 19 and I really shouldn’t expect to have found “the one”, but sometimes I get the feeling that I will be single for the rest of my life. The sad part is – that doesn’t really bother me. It’s not that I don’t want to have my own happily ever after story, rest assured I do. I merely mean to say that I’m not scared of solitude (or it’s my greatest fear and I’m deluding myself by telling myself the opposite.) Trusting someone else with my love makes me vulnerable. I never want that vulnerability to allow someone to destroy the sense of self I’ve constructed/developed/whatever. Not coming out was an intentional way of me avoiding dating, purposely skirting all those messy emotions.

I’ve always told myself that, if I find the right person, then it won’t matter what anyone else thinks, because I’ll be completely in love with him (her?) and, at that point, coming-out will be insignificant. In high school, I had no reason to come out because 1) it wasn’t exactly a gay-friendly culture and 2) there weren’t any guys that I thought were “worth coming out for.” (If that sounds offensive, I’m sorry.)

This little…strategy worked well while I was in high school, but now that I’m in college I’m realizing the effects that not dating in high school have. Because I haven’t been in a meaningful relationship before, I’m scared of getting into one now – I don’t want to mess it up. I don’t date because I am scared of being unable to show affection, but until I have some reason to do so, I know my emotional self will remain underdeveloped. I am realizing that I will be unable to experience love until I truly know myself. Until I learn to love myself, I will remain unable to have a meaningful connection with someone else.

I believe that perfect love is nearly impossible to attain and maintain, but it is that very impossibility which makes love so inspiring and powerful when it does occur. I have realized that it’s okay to be scared of love, but that being scared shouldn’t stop me from striving for it anyway.

Gandhi once said, "A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.” I know that I will eventually be brave enough to love another, but until then, I will continue to love and know myself.

"Wonderfully and Beautifully Human": Remembering Mike Penner, Transsexual Sportswriter

Every other Thursday I will be writing about LGBT Issues in Sport. Between each regularly scheduled post I may chime in with more posts if something comes up and/or I have the time. I have a serious academic interest in sport and in this column I’ll be highlighting current events, sharing resources, reflecting on complex issues and sharing athlete’s stories among other things. For more about me, you can read my first post, here. Please feel free to email me with thoughts or if you come across something you’d like me to include on the blog.

This post is the second in a miniseries about trans-identified folk in sports. Two weeks ago I wrote about Kye Allums, the first ever D1 collegiate athlete to openly identify as trans. He plays basketball on George Washington University’s women’s basketball team.*     *     *     *     *
I want to start this post by saying that I’m an ally for trans-identified individuals. That said, I’m still learning how to be a better and better ally (thanks, Lawrence, for already educating me in your first post!). I might make a mistake and I hope that if I do, you readers will correct me. I identify as cis-gendered. I don’t write that because I’m afraid that by talking about these issues someone might think I was trans…I write that because as a cis-gendered person, I have to acknowledge that while I can sympathize with transfolk’s struggles in our society, advocate on their behalf, and support the people in my life who identify as trans or genderqueer or something that isn’t 100% cis, I can’t positively know what it’s like. As human beings who share some characteristics, we have many shared experiences, but we also have different experiences and I am cognizant of that.

Before I even worked at my first women’s basketball practice my first year (and despite having spent the previous summer in the PR office for the Mercury), I pretty much thought that the only people intimately involved with the team were the coaches and players. Like some of the other naïve things one thinks as a first year, I was WRONG. There are other administrative staff members, athletic trainers and doctors, sports information and marketing folk and the media themselves (I’m probably still leaving out some people). It became pretty clear to me that a team isn’t just the 12 players and 4 coaches on the bench during the game. Just like those 16 people on the bench, though, media personnel themselves lead pretty public lives.

November 27th will mark the 1 year anniversary of Mike Penner’s suicide. A Los Angeles Times sportswriter for 25 total years, during his career he covered high profile events such as the Olympics and the World Cup, in addition to being the LA Angels’ beat writer and writing about tennis, the NFL and sports media, among other things. Despite some high profile assignments, Penner’s most famous column ran on April 26, 2007. Titled “Old Mike, New Christine,” he wrote that “Today I leave for a few weeks’ vacation, and when I return, I will come back in yet another incarnation. As Christine [Daniels]. I’m a transsexual sportswriter.”

A Champion All Around: Super Bowl XLIV Champion is Gay Rights Advocate

Every other Wednesday I will be writing about LGBT Issues in Sport. Between each regularly scheduled post I may chime in with more posts if something comes up and/or I have the time. I have a serious academic interest in sport and in this column I’ll be highlighting current events, sharing resources, reflecting on complex issues and sharing athlete’s stories among other things. For more about me, you can read my first post, here. Please feel free to email me with thoughts or if you come across something you’d like me to include on the blog.


I know that the winter Olympics kicked off last night, but before we get too far removed from the Super Bowl, I wanted to highlight a few things. Ideally, I would have posted this last weekend or very early this week, but things got away from me. Sorry! I do, however, still think these issues are relevant and interesting and I hope that you will, too.

Now, imagine that you’re sitting in Sun Life Stadium in Miami, Florida last Sunday. The “big game” is about to kick off. The PA announcer’s voice booms and echoes through the speakers: Starting [ing, ing, ing] Linebacker [acker,acker,acker] for the New Orleans Saints, Number Fifty-Five and gay rights advocate…Scott Fujitaaaaaa.

Gay rights advocate? Nobody would blame you if you did a double take. I mean, with the exception of the inherent homoeroticism (you know, men wearing spandex, passing a ball through their legs and slapping each other’s behinds) competitive football hasn’t exactly been the greatest ally of the gay rights movement. Those locker rooms and practice fields are filled with all sorts of anti-gay slurs by players and coaches, a like. And during a game, you can be sure that the fans hold their own in homophobic heckling.

So what’s this all about?

No, Scott Fujita’s introduction didn’t go quite like that. But it might as well have. Saints star Fujita first made a big splash when he publically endorsed the National Equality March this past October (if you know of a public statement or action Fujita took prior to this in support of gay rights, please correct me!). In an interview with The Nation’s sports editor and host of Sirius XM Radio’s “The Edge of Sports,” Dave Zirin, Fujita spoke publically about his position on gay rights.

An Arkansas initiative which would have restricted single parents from adopting resonated with Fujita—himself, adopted. In his interview with Zirin, he said that “the way I read that [the Arkansas initiative] and the way that I translated that language was that only heterosexual, married couples could adopt children. As an adopted child that really bothered me. I asked myself, what that is really saying is that the concern with one’s sexual orientation or sexual preference outweighs what’s really important, and that’s finding safe homes for children, for our children.” [1]

He hopes that his status as a professional football player helps to advance the movement saying, “I think for me it was a cause that I truly believe in…For me, in my small platform as a professional football player, I understand that my time in the spotlight is probably limited. The more times you can lend your name to a cause you believe in, you should do that.” [2] It seems that Fujita has made a habit of using sport for “bigger” things. He reportedly signed with the New Orleans Saints in 2006 because he believed that “this could be bigger than football [referencing the post-Katrina rebuilding efforts].” [3]

Fujita rejects the notion that he’s acting courageously by speaking up about these issues. He says he’s simply “standing up for equal rights…It’s not that courageous to have an opinion if you think it’s the right thing and you believe it wholeheartedly.” [4] His humility is admirable, but I do think that taking the measures he has constitutes as courageous—that is, he’s overcoming a lot of social pressures to engage in a way that does not really benefit him personally and that actually threatens his popularity.

Since he doesn’t identify as gay, bi or queer (more on this below), with the exception of my and your respect and a “more just” society, he doesn’t have anything to personally gain by speaking up. To my knowledge he isn’t getting paid for making these statements. On the other hand, he has a lot to lose. His profession is partially based on popularity and speaking up about these issues isn’t always popular (though, I suppose he’s more popular in my book for doing so). In short, I believe there is a reason that so few athletes have publically taken a stand on the issue of gay marriage—it’s divisive. Most athletes don’t want to alienate a portion of their fan base. Professional athletes also have their images to worry about in a way that you and I don’t. While you and I both know that speaking up about gay rights isn’t indicative of someone’s sexual orientation, others often conflate the two. I’m not suggesting that being gay or being thought of being gay is bad in any way, just that many people (especially straight) go out of their way to avoid this ‘reputation’ because it’s socially difficult. I admit that I think it helps that he’s already an established veteran.

During his interview with Dave Zirin, Fujita mentions in passing that “just because I’m in favor of gay rights doesn’t mean that I’m gay or doesn’t mean that I’m some kind of ‘sissy.’” He hopes that others will step up and realize that it’s okay to talk about these issues without feeling threatened. Indeed, Brendon Ayanbadejo of the Baltimore Ravens wrote an op-ed in April of 2009 for the Huffington Post entitled “Same Sex Marriage: What’s the Big Deal?” Fujita’s activism came six months after Ayanbadejo spoke up, so it’s safe to say that Fujita’s public comments didn’t influence Ayanbadejo, but together they’re paving the way for other athletes—especially for those who play “macho” sports.

Though he volunteers that he is not gay, I don’t get the impression that he’s parading around reassuring everyone that he is straight. As I mentioned above, it is common for individuals (outspoken allies or not) to feel the need to proclaim their heterosexuality (“no homo,” anyone?). Zirin asks him about this issue, explicitly, saying “Do you have any concerns that teammates, fans, people will say Scott Fujita may be married and have kids, but maybe down low he might really be gay?” To which Fujita responds that is not concerned about that “whatsoever.” He explains that “I know who I am. My wife knows who I am. I don’t care one way or the other Dave. I imagine that when some of this gets out guys in the locker room might give me a hard time…[but,] I’m used to it. I can take it all.” [5] ‘All,’ in this case, includes being called the “Pinko Communist Fag from Berkeley.” [6]

Even with that locker room talk, Fuijita challenges our stereotype of the NFL being homophobic. “By and large,” he says, “the players are more tolerant than they get credit for. It’s not a big issue. Some guys will think you are crazy for believing one way, but they’ll still accept you.” [7]But would they embrace an out athlete? Jim Buzinksi, co-founder of outsports.com, is confident that there are gays in the NFL but since no active player in the NFL is publically out, it’s hard to know the answer. [8]

In the end, Zirin sums it up pretty well: “You have to get your head around the idea that Scott [Fujita] is a bad-ass linebacker for the New Orleans Saints and that he speaks his mind in support of gay rights.” [9]

---

1. Fujita, Scott. "'Why I Support the National Equality March': NFL's Scott Fujita Speaks Out for Gay Rights." Interview by Dave Zirin. Edge of Sports. Dave Zirin, 6 Oct. 2009. Web. 12 Feb. 2010.
2. Zirin Interview.
3. Kilgore, Adam. "Solid backing by Saint: Fujita unafraid to support gay rights." The Boston Globe 3 Feb. 2010: n. pag. Web. 12 Feb. 2010.
4. Lapointe, Joe. "The Saints Linebacker Who Speaks His Mind." The New York Times 3 Feb. 2010: n. pag. Web. 12 Feb. 2010.
5. Zirin Interview.
6. Zirin Interview.
7. New York Times by Joe Lapointe.
8. Buzinski, Jim. "Openly Gay NFL Player Will Come but It’ll Take a While." Editorial. The Washington Post 17 June 2009: n. pag. Web. 12 Feb. 2010.
9. The Boston Globe by Adam Kilgore.

Rainbows, Buttons, Flags, and Umbrellas

It's been a rainy semester here at Duke. As a result, I've become quite the connoisseur of umbrellas. I have one for light, daily use (black), one for heavy rain and heavy wind (blue and white), and a recent acquisition: one for everything in between (rainbow-colored). And while the heavy blue-and-white umbrella is by far the most durable choice, I've tended to choose to tout the rainbow umbrella. First, because it's pretty (there's a pic farther down!). Second, because, well, I want to be visible.

When I came out, it really took a while for me to decide how big a part of my identity it was--it's a daily process, really--okay, so I'm gay--what's next? Following the bridge incident this year, Blue Devils United ordered rainbow flags for students to put up outside their windows to show support for and solidarity with the LGBT community. I put mine in the window itself, so when I have my lights on it looks kind of like stained glass from the outside (photo: Oli Wilson). I think it's really important to show people that this is campus that's affirming of LGBT individuals (or even if that's not entirely the case, I think that if we give off that image, it will gradually become a self-fulfilling thing). It's the same with the Love=Love shirts.