In which my father suddenly appears!

(I'm stepping on Dan's toes a bit, since his life is enviably ordinary whereas I'm totally flipping out, so make sure you read his post too!)

So lately, I've had pneumonia. Since I also have severe asthma, it's pretty much been the definition of awful. For one thing I can't bind, since I'm having enough trouble avoiding asphyxiation as it is. For another, I can't... do anything. At all. Awkward: asking your ex to do your laundry and empty your trash because your room smells and you have no clean underwear.

More awkward: complaining about this to your mother, and having her immediately book a ticket for your father to come nurse you back to health.

You guys, he's arriving tonight. At 11:41pm.

So I guess I can't put off the how-did-your-parents-take-it conversation any longer, huh? My mom's reaction, when I finally saw her in person a couple months post-letter, was that she couldn't stand to watch me mutilate myself like that, and she wasn't sure she ever wanted to look at me again. And anyway, I never liked cars or sports so I obviously wasn't a boy.

After three weeks of looking at me, she said she'd done some research and found out that more than half of trans people are estranged from their parents, and she doesn't want that to happen. So I should consider not being trans. But maybe after a decade we could get lunch.

But she also insisted that if I ever really, really needed help, I could always come home. Not help recovering from top surgery or anything, I'll have to find someone else if I want company convalescing, but I don't have to starve to death on the streets. So I do think she'll come around. I also think it will take a decade. It took six years for her to get from "you should consider not being a lesbian" to "have you been going to the LGBT center? It would be nice if you met someone."

My dad on the other hand wasn't interested in a showdown when I saw him this summer - until he suddenly showed up the night before I flew home. He seemed to think a decade was too long a timeline, and was surprised when I said I wasn't under the impression I was invited to Christmas. But then he asked me not to tell my brothers, and proceeded to tell a story about a coworker-of-a-coworker who transitioned from male to female, and... did not lose her job or her wife. I couldn't figure out why he considered it a cautionary tale, except that he used male pronouns the whole time and claimed that the receptionists felt weird finding a non-receptionist in the women's bathroom. (It was a CompSci department in the 80s.)

But... he did indeed get me an invitation to Christmas, and to Thanksgiving. And even though he's never really been the parent I talk to, he's also never been the parent I fight with.

When I came out as a lesbian he gave me a hilarious lecture about how no boy would ever date me again, and then he... let it be. My mom read my diary, read my email, snuck into my girlfriend's house; she woke me up to cry on my bed several nights a week; at one point she actually informed me that my girlfriend and I had broken up, and forbade me to see her. My dad... once drove me to a date.

So I want to be optimistic. But that's long-term! What the hell am I going to do with him here??

It says Lawrence Evalyn on my door decoration! Every person I interact with on campus will call me Lawrence! The composites on the wall have a hilarious serious of photos in which my hair gets shorter every year, and then suddenly my name is Lawrence and I'm wearing a tie! He's going to help me unpack and organize my stuff - he'll find my suit and ties! He'll find my pride flag! He won't find the condoms, I figure it's normal to hide those so I made my ex take them after the laundry-incident that spurred this whole mess. (Ditto the sex toys.) He'll find my trans T-shirts! He'll find my binding shirts! He'll find my queer fridge magnets, and I don't even know where those are so I can't hide them!

It's mostly a moot point, since the whole reason he's coming is that I barely have the physical strength to bend over and pick things up, let alone relocate a bunch of stuff to, I guess, a box in a friend's room. But my ex has been very helpful.

I don't plan to correct him when he uses the wrong name and pronouns, which in my book means I'm already bending backwards so far to accomodate him that I'm halfway to breaking. But I think it's fair to give him time. I don't want him to feel like I'm 'flaunting' my gender, but I think we all know how much opinions can differ as to what counts as 'flaunting' it! And it would be worse for him to think I've gone out of my way to hide it, since that would suggest I have something to be ashamed of.

I'm not going to ask my friends to stop calling me Lawrence while he's around. But I'm also not going to bind, thanks to my buddy pneumonia. Everything else is a huge muddle.

My binding shirts are underwear. The shirts and magnets and flag and so on will probably strike him as being too 'aggressive', and might give him the impression that this is the only identity I have any more - especially since I've hidden them all for his other visits, so he'll assume they're new.

The name on the door will be right in his face, fairly literally, the whole time he's here.

But... it's my name, here. Last year I didn't put a name up because I was in an all-girls hall, and I just went without a door dec. That bare door felt like a concession every time I walked through it. It was a real triumph, for me, when I told the RA that he had been given the wrong name for me. I fought hard for that.

But, should I do a queer-cleaning to tone it down inside the room to compensate for the name outside??? These are all battles that I've fought with myself over the last year - but which battles do I fight tomorrow?

As I said to Risa when I asked to post early: I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS. What do you guys think? Help me out!

Airport Attire

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while (read: the most uninteresting man in the world). I figured I’d post something relevant and something that I thoroughly enjoy doing. Traveling. I have spent a decent amount of time in an airport during my long trek to and from Utah for my brief vacation from Duke. One thing has changed about the way I travel since coming to Duke. I always wear my Love = Love shirt when flying.

Now, I’m not sure if it’s actually doing anything in terms of swaying public opinion about LGBT identified people. Most of the people I see spend as much time looking at me as I do them (about a half a second to make sure we don’t run into each other as I sprint from one terminal to another). But when I actually get to my terminal and realize that I have nothing to do but sit and wait for 30 minutes, or when someone is awkwardly standing over my seat waiting for everyone loading the plane to move back, the second, third, and usually fourth glance are pretty obvious. In fact, as I am writing this in the Detroit airport, every time I look up to check the gate status, I meet eyes with the portly man across from me and he quickly averts his gaze.

If people are judging me for wearing this shirt, it’s almost a good thing. Just my presence is making them think about LGBT issues. Whether or not this portly man was supportive, at least I was making him think. I’d imagine that most people who are unsupportive of LGBT rights think that all gays are flag waving, parade marching, gaga loving queens. Frankly these aforementioned queens are the most fun people in the world and I feel bad for anyone who doesn’t know one, but I digress. By wearing the shirt, I hope I am somehow showing that there are gays (the majority, in fact) who don’t fit the stereotype. I wasn’t causing a stir, I was just sitting there, in blue jeans and running shoes, listening to an iPod, just patiently waiting (the fact that I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack is irrelevant).

Here’s a funny little aside. While in the Detroit airport, I went to McDonalds. I walk up to the lady at the cash register and order, and she says, “I like your shirt.” I am so incredibly touched, and graciously thank her for being supportive. And then she goes and crushes all my hopes and dreams and says, “It means like man and woman only equals love, right?” #facepalm. No. No it does not. So I tell her she should look at it again. Upon second inspection she says, “Oh, never mind. Next.”

So yeah. There’s that. I hope ya’ll are enjoying your summer.

Shall We Dance?

Somehow, Duke taught me how to dance.

I was one of those kids in high school who stood in the corner with his friends at events like prom, refusing to dance. I was too self-conscious and too uptight. I acted like I didn't care about it, like I was "above" dancing or that I was too "cool" to dance, but I secretly always wanted to be out there on the floor having fun. I don't think any of my high-school friends would call me the life of the party, or even a part of the party, really. I wasn't shy, but I just couldn't bring myself to dance.

Entering Duke's party scene gave me a fresh start. I decided to give dancing a try, and it wasn't so bad. I managed. I had fun.

With the solution to that problem came another. With whom, exactly, am I supposed to dance? And where?

Dancing with both my male and female friends in groups is fine. I have a great time. When it comes to dancing one-on-one, however, the situation becomes a little more difficult. If I go to Shooters, I can't help but watch the couples with jealousy. I want to dance with someone to whom I'm really attracted, too.

And I have. Once upon a Tailgate (my first and only...), I danced with one of my gay friends. We danced... well. Being very new to Duke, I don't think I ever would have mustered up the courage to dance like that with a guy in that venue out of the Tailgate state of mind. We received a few compliments and pats on the back, but, even more so, we received criticism. Members of whichever section in which we were dancing asked us to leave, but we didn't. No one seemed to have a problem with us aside from these few people. That's what we told them. We weren't bothering anyone. They left us alone. We danced on.

Of course, that's not how every situation (or perhaps even most situations) plays out.

I'm writing this to hear your stories and your thoughts. I don't know if dancing like that is something I would do again in a similar situation. Of course I want to, and of course I have every right to, but would I? I don't know. Removed from the comfort of an LGBT-friendly club, would you dance with whom you really want to dance? Would you take your partner to Shooters?

I know there are places where I can dance with whomever I want without judgment, but, when the moment's right, I should be able to dance wherever, whenever, right?

Anonymous Posts (6.14.10-6.20.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

What an epic weekend, y'all. Michelle and I drove down to Duke to pay our respects say goodbye to Chris Purcell on his last day. As depressing as this may be, though, it was an awesome trip and I saw Everybody That I Need To See In My Life Right Now. Sitting around the Center with Janie, Megan, Jack, Chris, Justin, Summer, Peg and Mish was probably one of the best parts of my summer so far. I know I've said it before, but I'm SO excited for this Community next semester. Especially since I've resolved that We are going to spend every weekend at Summer's place after excursions to pick various fruits (no pun intended (pun intended)). As JH said, we should do more "beautiful things" in our lives.

I also saw the incomparable co-presidents of UNC's GLBTSA, Billy Kluttz and Alex Kilkka. The LGBT retreat dates have been set for the fall, and it sounds like it might top last year's? Maybe? That would be a very difficult thing to do and we cannot really expect that, considering last year was The Greatest Time. So many hugs. But it really does seem that we'll see unprecedented collaboration among the Triangle schools' (and maybe more!) LGBT communities. Let's do this, Everybody.

In other news, Womyn, Duke's new queer women magazine, is taking applications this week for their review board. The application can be downloaded here, and We should all fill it out. Also, actual written submissions will be accepted beginning July 1st. Think they'll accept a sonnet about Summer Puente? Because I'm sort of banking on it.

Okokok. Anonymous posts.

#1
I love Pride.
It's the only time,space, place where I feel COMPLETELY accepted, loved, embraced. And there's so much overflowing community it's overwhelming. But in an amazing way.

On another note, I think it's the only time when people read me as queer. Which is so rare I'm not used ot it. that I don't know how I feel about it..proud, but a little disoriented? Maybe I should wear a rainbow pin or bracelet to try it out how it feels in the real world? Or is that totally unnecessary to try out?...

#2
"Call me wen u can."

That's all my sister's text said. She has never asked me to call her. She always tries to minimize the contact between us, seeing as though our relationship is anything but friendly.

"She knows."

That's what went through my mind. Repeatedly. Relentlessly. I was an emotional mess and I didn't know what I was going to do. Oddly enough, the fact that I didn't know what to do is a big step from where I was before coming to Duke. Had it been last year, before my freshman year started, I would have prepared myself to outright deny anything that would label me as being gay. Not today. I actually considered just giving in and finally letting go of the secret that has bound and silenced me for eighteen years.

While putting off the inevitable, I thought about everything that could happen. Being kicked out, being rejected by every single family member, losing those I love. These situations are the most extreme; I have no substantial proof to neither quell nor confirm these outcomes. But being at Duke has changed me. I have grown tired of the facade I wear back at home. Here at Duke I don't have to pay attention to every single detail, details that could somehow lead to suspicion, suspicions that could lead to accusations. I have weighed the pros and cons in regards to coming out. Unfortunately, for many reasons, legitimate or not, I decided against coming out this summer. Call it cowardice, call it fear, call it insecurity. Heck, maybe those are accurate, but I do know that I am not quite ready yet. But I digress.

After failing to calm myself I managed to call my sister. Each second waiting for her to answer the phone allowed my mind to think of every negative outcome. I felt relieved after listening to her voicemail message, but I knew it wasn't over. A couple minutes later she called me back and I asked myself I could answer. I did. Long story short, it had nothing to do with me being gay. You'd think I let out a huge sigh of relief and laughed about it after hanging up. I didn't. In fact, I felt even worse. The reasons? I thought about how unfair society is. How people live their lives tormented by a secret. Why people even have to go through all this. This story may or may not have significance, but I'll share it anyways. I wish I didn't have to post it as an anon, but it's best that way.

I couldn't bring myself to hit done. Rob. Vague enough for the world outside of Duke, but personal enough for my community. Now I can hit done.

#3
I went back and forth debating whether or not to send this anonymous post in, but in the end I figure I might as well- I've GOT to get these thoughts out!! So i'm taking summer school at UNC, and sometimes i'll see other lesbians around campus. Well, I think they're gay but of course I can't be 100% sure. :) anyways, I really wanted to meet someone this summer. I have so much extra time on my hands and I'd love to just take someone out to dinner or something, maybe start something up, but i have no CLUE how to go about meeting someone.

argh, frustration.

alrighty, done venting for now :)

Flamboyance, Visibility

It’s been a long time since I’ve written, and for that I apologize. I’ve been busy working with RENT (which everyone should see, by the way! visit rentatduke.com for details), but that’s not a sufficient excuse.

I write today on the same topic I began writing on in January (and never completed): the dark, strange, and often counterintuitive world of “visibility.”

What exactly do I mean by that? What do we even have to gain from visibility?

Let’s call visibility, for now, “the extent to which an average person who is making no deliberate efforts to encounter nor avoid exposure to unambiguously LGBTQ individuals or information.” Blegh, that's a mouthful.

I’m trying to say that being LGBTQ isn’t like being, say, female. Or east Asian. Or anything else that’s usually, though not always nor exclusively, visibly determined. You can’t look at someone and just know that s/he is gay or queer or a 2 on the Kinsey scale or however else a person might identify. And even the fact that I have to word it that way hints at some of the additional complexities, because there isn’t any definitive test to tell people (or yourself, or your parents) exactly what it is you are (trust me, I wish there were). Plenty of people identify as something either misleading or not entirely straightforward—whether the typically ambiguous queer or the closeted folks who still list themselves as “Interested In” the opposite gender—not to say that most of them don’t have excellent reasons, because they usually do.

But it would be a mistake to pretend that everything is suddenly simple as soon as a person has made the crucial (and bold, and terrifying, and wonderful, and everything else) step of saying, “Hello, world! I’m gay!” Sexuality can change. Situations change. Maybe you’ve just moved to Florida and suddenly realize you can be fired for being gay, which can and does happen all the time, so you decide to go back into the closet until the world suddenly becomes a better, warmer, more loving place (hah, I wish).

This… freedom of self-identification, however, is at least a little bit troubling. Maybe it’s just me, but I think sexuality is a pretty fundamental thing. And knowing that how you fundamentally understand yourself—not only how you tell others whom and what you are but also what exactly you tell you about yourself—can change… that’s terrifying to me.

A while back I went through a phase where I really admired individuals who were, say, flamboyantly gay, who made sure there was no doubt in anyone’s mind just exactly how they identified. To some extents, I still do. While it seems like so many of us do our best to blend in, these people put it all on the line and show the world a side of things it probably doesn’t often get to see, unless we’re talking about NYC or Portland or Seattle or San Francisco or some other gay mecca. One of the big talking points at our last BDU meeting was that people don’t feel like the LGBTQ community at Duke is visible.

Are we? Aren’t we? How do we get there? Do we turn ourselves into monuments of fabulousness? It’s certainly a possibility. Do we alter our hairstyles, our clothing, our speech? Do we put up posters saying, “Hey! The gays are here, even if you can’t see them. Don’t put us down?” All of this just seems unfair. Why should I have to make myself visibly gay? How is this still an issue?

What this boils down to for me is this: I don’t necessarily want to fit in, but I don’t want to have to stand out. This week is our Anti-Hate Speech Campaign here at Duke. Earlier in the week we had given out rainbow ribbons until we ran out of them. The next day, I repinned my ribbon to my shirt and went about my business. First stop of the day, coffee. My barista says, “What’s that for? Is it Pride day or something?” I explained the campaign to him, but being the only one wearing a ribbon that day, I felt like I stuck out terribly. I suppose the purpose of the ribbon is to open dialogue. It just feels… uncomfortable to stand out so boldly.

But what am I afraid of? Am I afraid of being perceived as gay? I mean, not really, because I am. All the same, there’s a huge fear of appearing too flamboyant and I can’t even convey exactly why that is.

I’m not trying to blend in, but I don’t think I should have to stand out to be recognized. For now, I suppose the only way to get where I’d like to get is to stand out. If some people don’t want to view the LGBTQ community as full people, then I guess I’m willing to make sacrifices until they will. But it’s a thin line to tread—it seems like I’m expected to show that that I’m gay, but I’m also “cool” or “normal” or maybe even just “not weird…” whatever it is I need to seem like to win that person over. But I don’t believe in that either!

There can be little doubt that I’m actually quite weird. I’m an eccentric, strange, sometimes difficult-to-tolerate person. I’m also exceptional in a number of ways. But none of that has anything to do with the fact that I’m gay, and it just seems silly to me by now that anyone would think it would.

So… standing out? I’ll do it, I guess. Through rainbow ribbons and involvement and posters if not through clothing. It just doesn’t feel fair. Here I am, little old Matt, winning over the world one person at a time. At least I can say that, here at Duke, I know I’m not doing it alone. But for what it’s worth, I’ll say that I think if you’re not fighting, you’re wasting your time. Do it. Fight. From the protection of your closet if need be. Just do it.

hate speech hurts. no homo(phobia).

IT'S HERE! BDU'S ANTI-HATE SPEECH CAMPAIGN IS THIS WEEK, AT LAST!

Our slogan is "hate speech hurts. No Homo(phobia)".

Cause, let's face it. Hate speech sucks and homophobia is stupid.

The point of the campaign is to raise awareness about hate speech. So many people use it without thinking about what they're saying--who they might be offending, the hate they're perpetuating and normalizing, what it really means. BDU is calling those individuals out.

We will be sponsoring various events through out the week.

3/22 MONDAY: If you want to help with the campaign, we're going to be having a work party today, Monday, at 6pm in the BC. Following that, come to bridge painting at 8pm.


3/23 TUESDAY: We're going to be spreading our brilliant posters around campus starting at 10AM. You can meet in the LGBT center to pick up supplies! We also will have representatives tabling on the plaza from 11:00 to 3:00. Tabling on the plaza includes making spray paint t-shirts, serving rainbow cupcakes, and getting people to take a pledge not to use hate-speech and speak up when they hear it in return for a rainbow ribbon!

2/25 THURSDAY: More tabling on the plaza from 11-3! (see above, 3/23 Tuesday for details about tabling).

We need people to sign up to help with tabling! Please visit the doodle poll and sign up. Even if you've never done anything with BDU, come by the table, make friends and lend a hand. In all honesty, tabling for last year's Day of Silence was my first real BDU event--so don't be shy. Tabling is a great way to get to know people and help change the world!!

To sum it all up...BDU's anti-hate speech campaign includes:
1. AMAZING/gorgeous posters w/ snarky, in-your-face messages!
2. Pledge-signing!
3. Banners!
4. RAINBOW CUPCAKES!!!
5. Ribbons!
6. To-die-for t-shirts! (Seriously, you'll want one, they're awesome!)

Questions? Email me, Risa, at rfi@duke.edu.

I effing hate hate speech, but I LOVE BDU!!

Rainbows, Buttons, Flags, and Umbrellas

It's been a rainy semester here at Duke. As a result, I've become quite the connoisseur of umbrellas. I have one for light, daily use (black), one for heavy rain and heavy wind (blue and white), and a recent acquisition: one for everything in between (rainbow-colored). And while the heavy blue-and-white umbrella is by far the most durable choice, I've tended to choose to tout the rainbow umbrella. First, because it's pretty (there's a pic farther down!). Second, because, well, I want to be visible.

When I came out, it really took a while for me to decide how big a part of my identity it was--it's a daily process, really--okay, so I'm gay--what's next? Following the bridge incident this year, Blue Devils United ordered rainbow flags for students to put up outside their windows to show support for and solidarity with the LGBT community. I put mine in the window itself, so when I have my lights on it looks kind of like stained glass from the outside (photo: Oli Wilson). I think it's really important to show people that this is campus that's affirming of LGBT individuals (or even if that's not entirely the case, I think that if we give off that image, it will gradually become a self-fulfilling thing). It's the same with the Love=Love shirts.