March 22, 2011

I Got 99 Problems...and Being Gay Ain't One


Hey everyone! I’ve missed writing on here…so it feels good to be back. My motivation for this post is simple: it’s OKAY to be gay…like seriously.

I used to think that something was wrong with me—that I needed to change. I used to literally cringe when I thought about my attraction towards females. Sometimes I thought that if I just ignored it or prayed harder, this part of myself would just go away.

As I’ve gotten older and have had more life lessons, I have become more comfortable with my sexuality. I’ve become more confident with myself as a whole. Coming out to my friends at Duke and embracing my bisexuality has really helped me see myself more clearly. I can’t really explain it, but once I was able to stop questioning/hiding my sexuality I had room to think about other parts of myself. I’ve had time to really challenge and question myself about the things that ACTUALLY matter in life.

What do I want to do with my life? What are my passions? Why do I get angry so quickly? What do I allow to influence me and why? Am I letting my past define me? How can I love myself more? What makes me happy?

When these questions (plus like a billion more) flooded my mind, I personally realized how much unnecessary worry and judgment I placed on my sexuality. I’m not suggesting that figuring out/accepting that I am gay should have been easy, but I am saying that in the grand scheme of things…I have much harder questions to answer/more difficult identity issues to deal with. I like girls. I like guys. If someone really cares about me…they won’t care about my orientation. The end.

However, I’m not gonna lie, I’m still not ready to tell my mom but that isn’t because I’m not comfortable with who I am. I’m not comfortable sharing that part of myself with her because I don’t want to hurt her and I don’t feel she deserves to be disappointed by me. So even though I’m still dealing with that, I’m in such a better place with myself. BUT I absolutely cannot take all the credit for my ability to let go of most of my insecurities about being gay. I have had the support of friends both in and out of the gay community. I appreciate them sincerely. I am very thankful to share with you all that I have 73 more friends to add to that list.

This past weekend was the best weekend of my entire Duke experience and I owe it all to Common Ground. I don’t wish to “preach” to anyone about my experience (but please ask me if you’re interested), but I do want to say that the people who participated with me have contributed so much to my life, my belief system, and my perception of self.

So to all of my CG Family reading this blog…thank you for affirming my being.

6 comments:

  1. yay for positive affirmation!

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  2. so glad we got to share this weekend together xan! keep on keepin on :)

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  3. i always love your blog posts, xan, and to be included in one of them makes me feel so lucky.

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  4. I can relate to a lot of things in this post, specifically being comfortable with myself but still feeling unable to come out to my family. Thanks so much for sharing and I am proud to be considered part of your CG fam.

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  5. <3

    Thank you for sharing!

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  6. well thanks for sharing your information with this site

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