I have been struggling to find something to write about for a while but now I will cop out and write about my writers block, I know so meta right? I was absolutely drawing blanks of what to write about that has been somewhat related to my out life but all that kept popping into my mind was how much I hate japanese conjugation , how my new work study job at the Hock Plaza is forever away from my dorm room, how my three neuroscience classes have way to much reading, and how weight training class at 10:05 am is just to much masochism for senior year. Then I thought "'isn't this what I wanted when I came out' wait isn't this what I wanted when I graduated from high-school'" ( quote in a quote , so meta) . As I inevitably and subconsciously compare my curent senior year to my senior year in high-school, I begin to realize that my life is not so blasé and bourgeois as I as a non-party scene Dukie claim. During high-school I was so far deep into the closet I might as well have been Royalty of Narnia . I guess my fear was that my perfectly scripted face that I painfully developed as a socially awkward and anxious middle schooler would be harmed making life unbearable. Since I was little I have waned to be in academia and be a scientist so getting in to and going into Duke was a big check next to that box. Yet soon into freshperson year (I dislike the word "first year" for idiosyncratic and aesthetic reasons) that was not enough. Yet I didn't come out till sophomore year. So long story short ( read: saving fodder for another post) I had all those wonderfully awkward moments related burgeoning social self awareness , again. who knew coming to college meant re-doing middle school life development; and luckily my life did not become unbearable... too much. so in conclusion I would like to thank the Duke environment / life for letting me just hate (with a passion) japanese conjugation while coming out / being an out gay male.