October 17, 2011

Anonymous Posts (10.10.11-10.16.11)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks, hate speech, or express or insinuate that one is at risk for hurting themselves or someone else. Please read this for an explanation of this policy and seek help if your or a friend find yourself in that position. With those exceptions aside, please feel free to submit your thoughts and questions. :)

Whew! What. A. Week. Coming out day was a HUGE success! The Huffington Post wrote about gender neutral rooms on college campuses. Apparently it's not just the private liberal arts schools anymore--state schools are moving in that direction, too. Come on, DUKE! I want to see more than just mixed gender apartments with single-gendered rooms. They also featured a column by Sir Elton John (did you know Lady Gaga is his son's god-mother?) about international LGBTQ rights (or lack thereof).

As a reminder, Blue Devils United is meeting this Wednesday at 5:30pm in the LGBT Center. Be there. Also, please note that the drag show has been postponed. We're still looking for performers, so please email Ari if you are interested! No prior experience necessary.

And now, notes from OC:

The hardest part of a three way relationship is trust. My partners have been dating each other for 7 years. I've been dating both of them for one and a half, but I feel like I'm outside of their loop, like I'm still being tested. If I become frustrated with one, the other knows about it quickly, and it creates this uncomfortable power dynamic. I fell in love with the one right away; the other is a nice guy, but our connection doesn't feel like more than a friendship at its best. Neither has ever said that they love me; they both have buds on the side in addition to each other. I don't know how to tell them that I'm frustrated with how slow this relationship is developing. They both seemed really into me at first, but now it's like we're at some kind of plateau. The one that I'm more romantic with has said outright that I'm needy when I ask him why he isn't confident yet saying that he loves me--but the truth is, I DO have needs that aren't being met. The two of these guys are the most important people in each other's lives--they know they are loved by each other, but I don't have that security. I've moved twice to be with them, but it feels like I still have a greater responsibility to show my devotion to them than either of them to me, even after all this time. I have a feeling this is going to be over with soon.

Is it bad that I want to hook up with other guys but I don't really see a long term relationship or anything formal like that? This probably sounds horrible, because you all are self-respecting individuals and all about the social movement of lgbt rights, which is great. But...I just want to have a simple way to mess around, blow off steam.

Please remember that there are a number of resources available on campus and in the local community. These resources are available over breaks and throughout the school year. If you or a friend are experiencing thoughts or urges to harm yourself or somebody else, please reach out to the following resources: In an emergency, please don't hesitate to call CAPS at any time, including "after hours" at (919) 966-3820. Ask to speak to the advice nurse and tell them you are a Duke student. You may also call the Trevor Project, a national hotline specifically for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer and questioning youth (college students included). Their number is 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386).


  1. Hey #1,
    Honestly, that's just not a good place for you to be. Not just because you have such huge insecurities, but because you've expressed them and gotten shut down. Maybe they didn't define the relationship well enough with you and you thought that it was more of the three person thing when it seems to be two and *whatever* on the side. If someone ever asked why I never told them I loved them, rather than snapping at them for being needy, I would say why I didn't ever say it or I would say that I'm surprised I haven't, that I apologize and that I love them.

    It just doesn't seem like an emotionally healthy place to be for you. If uprooting your life isn't enough for them and they don't treat you right, you deserve better. No questions asked. If I were you, I would try to talk to them about it again and if they shut you down (again) then I would kindly say my goodbyes and move on. It might be hard at first, but in time it'll be the better option.

    Not at all.
    1. We're in college which is the birthplace of "hookup culture"
    2. No one should be able to judge what you're doing with your life romantically if you're not interfering with their lives.

    What I would remember is that there are a lot of people who are looking for a serious relationship and that you need to be up front about your intentions. You might hurt them at first, but it's better to tell them you're not interested in anything beyond a hook up. Then you leave the decision in their hands.

  2. as a WOMAN who has sometimes thought more than once it might be nice to have a no-strings-attached hook-up partner, i hear you #2. for me though the tricky thing is trying to find another gay woman who would be willing to do that.

  3. #2: I would definitely second what Swati says. There are tons of guys (and girls) of all sexual orientations who just want to hook up, and as long as you make your intentions clear and don't try to have a fling with someone who wants something serious, I think you can find what you're looking for. I would add that not wanting a long term relationship at this point in your life does not in any way set back or act against the cause of LGBT rights. Your choices are your choices. Like Swati said, it is no one's right to judge you for your own romantic or sexual life.

  4. Ditto everything Swati said.

    #1: If you aren't being emotionally satisfied in the relationship, then it might be time for you to go. You've uprooted your life to be with them but you still aren't treated as an equal in the relationship. That is not fair to you. It doesn't matter how long they've been together before you, if they are going to accept you into their relationship, then you should get the same amount of love and respect as they give each other. Without that, it's not worth it.

    #2: There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. As long as you are sure that a hookup is the only thing that the other guy is looking for, then you're completely fine. No one has a right to tell you how you should be leading your life, especially when it comes to sex.