In favor of meaningful conversation

Well hey y'all,

As you may have noticed, I don't usually post on the blog, but today is a bit of a special occasion. With the election results yesterday, I've got to admit I'm pretty excited. I'm not really a person to typically get very excited about election results, as I'm much too cynical of a person. But even a cynic like myself can't help but get a little hopeful when it looks like 3 states are going to legalize same-sex marriage. THREE. That's a pretty big deal.

That's not actually what I wanted to say in this post, I just felt that I'd be remiss if I didn't mention it.

Now, for the actual substance:

What I actually want to talk about is religion. This is a pretty controversial topic, I know, but bear with me. Basically what I want to say is that religion, regardless of denomination, is not necessarily homophobic. I am
not a religious person myself, in fact I am a strong atheist, but I find the equating of religion (particularly Christianity) with the homophobic sentiments sometimes espoused by religious people to be a dangerous and unproductive problem that we really ought to address.

I will not try to deny that the reasoning used to justify anti-LGBT sentiments is often Christian in nature, but I whole heartedly reject that the Christian faith is homophobic. We can point to passages in the Bible that portray a homophobic attitude, but these passages do not define the Christian faith. I think it's important to note that for those of us who are not Christians, an accurate critique of the Christian faith requires an honest and studious effort to actually understand the  beliefs and justifications used by Christians in their faith.

Another important point, Christianity, or any other religion, is not a one size fits all. While one Christian may firmly believe that God is against the LGBTQA community, another may be fully in support of said community, or perhaps even a PART of our community. A belief in the Christian conception of God does not necessarily preclude a commitment to the support and affirmation of LGBTQ community. Indeed, I know some Christians who believe that their faith requries them to be supportive and affirming towards our community. A fundamental component of the Christian faith in particular is that love. With love playing such a crucial role in the faith, it isn't a huge strech to imagine that Christians can be affirming and loving towards LGBTQ identified people.

So my final note is this, that regardless about how you feel about the Christian religion, or any other faith, try not to hate on it. Doing so precludes any sort of meaningful conversation between the two communities, because we all know that when there is hostile rhetoric coming from a community towards us, it's rather unlikely that a lot of us will want to engage in a dialogue with that community. Futhermore, hostility towards faith communities is hurtful to members of those faith communities that are within our community
as well. Worse than that, it ignores that these people exist in our community. Take it from me, those among us who are atheists have a lot to gain by engaging with our thoughtful and faithful peers.

tl;dr: Don't knock any religion without making a serious effort to understand it from it's own premises. Doing otherwise is intellectually dishonest and only harmful to everyone.

P.S. If it feels like I focused too much on Christianity in this post, that's mostly because the things I've heard against religious people have almost exclusively been against Christians. I believe that the above sentiments apply to all faiths, I just lack experience with most of them.

The closet seems smaller this time...

After a slow section over summer vacation, Our Lives is ready to get back in gear for this semester. If you're new to Our Lives, here's the kind of thing you can expect:

After the end of last semester I got home with every fiber of my being feeling totally relieved. Finally, I was out of the pressure cooker environment of Duke and could relax a little more. I do like being at Duke, I was just ready for a break from the intense environment here. After taking about a week to myself, I began applying to jobs for summer employment. I started with tech based internships to build a good resume for a computer science major, when that failed I went to the more typical retail/service/food job applications. 20 or so applications in, I started to get a bit nervous. I started branching out more, and found myself applying to local golf courses. Most of them weren’t hiring anybody, but one ended up calling me back. This course had a full time job available for the summer and I’d get paid $7.50 an hour. After all of the panic of searching without any positive results, I jumped at the chance and took the job immediately. (Little did I know that the job was half lawn mowing and half weedeating ditches and trimming thornbushes by hand. But hey, work is work.)

 A little while into this job I started to realize just how good I had it back at Duke. No, I don’t mean the difficult physical labor, that was hard but I didn’t mind it. No, I mean the people I worked with. The employees I called my coworkers included one rapist, one serial rapist, one decent man who was relatively unprejudiced, one man who was a pretty reasonable person but was still quite prejudiced, and a sixteen year old who wanted to grow up to be just like the serial rapist. (Note: I found out about the serial rapist when he bragged about how he used to get girls drunk to the point of being unconscious and then have sex with them. The other rapist then laughed and told the story of when he did something similar.) So, we’re talking about a pretty wide spectrum of people here. Oh, and my boss was a birther, said he was ok with “the f-gs” so long as they didn’t touch him, and was convinced that white people are naturally more hardworking than all other ethnicities. So a real charmer. By the way I describe them, you may be beginning to get an impression of how I dealt with this situation. I hid behind a veil of dry sarcasm to prevent myself from suffering a mental break but never having to commit the workplace suicide of telling them any of my real opinions. It sort of helped that none of them understood sarcasm.

 About two months into it I was having a bit of an identity crisis. I’d obviously not come out to anybody at my workplace, but I had also never explicitly denied anything. For an example of what I mean, I present this actual situation: I was edging and mulching planting beds around the parking lot of the clubhouse when my boss drives up in a golf cart and tells me that if I’d like to work on the bed near the pool next, he’ll let me. I should mention here that the reason he presented this like a gift is because most of the other people that work there liked to work near the pool in the afternoons to watch women who are sunbathing in bikinis. When I said I didn’t care, he asked, “What, are you gay or something?” I responded, “Not quite, but seriously what do you need done?” This answer put him off a lot more than I expected and he drove off disgruntled. I guess a lot of sarcastic comments like that built into a reputation for me, and many of the workers would refer to me as “queer”, “homo”, “fag”, or “faggot” about half the times they wanted to get my attention. Also, they had a little joke amongst themselves that if any of them were left alone with me, I would sodomize them. After a while, I started to wonder if I should be challenging them on it. Deep down I knew it wasn’t my responsibility, I knew that no real gain could come of me engaging the group about their homophobia, racism, or sexism. Yet I still felt like every time I just took it when they called me a faggot made me a weak person. I felt like a total coward, but I knew there was nothing else I could do.

One day the coworker that I mentioned earlier who was pretty reasonable but was also prejudiced finally picked up on my facial expression after he used gay as a pejorative. He then asked me if I had a problem with him using the word. Here’s how the conversation went.

Me: Do you hate gay people?

Him: No. Actually, I don’t think I’d mind if they could marry.

Me: So when you call something gay, what do you mean?

Him: Well, I guess I mean that it’s… I don’t know, it’s just a word.

Me: You mean it’s something you dislike.

Him: I guess, yeah.

Me: But you said you don’t hate gay people.

Him: I don’t!

Me: Then why do you use the word “gay” to refer to things you dislike?

Him: Oh.

Me: Yeah.

He didn’t mention it for a day, then came back two days after we had the conversation and told me that he considered it, and he wasn’t going to say it anymore. Best part is, he kept his promise.

I did gain a lot from this summer, as it gave new meaning to my work here at Duke. BDU, this blog, and my work at the Center seem even more real and relevant when I consider that there are people out there that have to experience what I did this summer with no foreseeable end. While that thought makes me angry, it honestly makes me more determined than anything else. Forums like this blog are rare, and though I obvious come from a biased viewpoint on the matter, having a place where the LGBT community can share and discuss their life experiences is so key to coping with the isolation that many of the members of our community feel. Here’s to an excellent year, for all of you, the blog, and the entire spectrum of people that belong to and affiliate with our community.

So on that note let me proudly announce that Our Lives is officially back! Well, we never really leave, but we're going to restart posting on a regular basis. The rate of posting will likely increase as we get more writers, but expect regular posts to be going up from now on! If you want to get involved with the blog as a writer, email me and we can get you set up as soon as possible! Also email me with any questions you may have about the blog, I'd be glad to answer them.

Best,
Kyle

Erasure

I’d like to talk about erasure. Now I know that this is a very broad topic which covers a wide variety of different experiences, and I can’t talk about things which I haven’t experienced. I just want to note first that I know that women, racial minorities, transgender people, and genderqueer individuals all face erasure of their own. Yet I try to keep my blog posts based as purely on my own experience as I can, so I’m going to only talk about the sort of erasure that I have experienced as a bisexual.

Essentially what bisexual erasure boils down to is how we as a society tend to explain away and ignore evidence for sexual orientations which fall outside of the typical gay/straight binary. When a person exhibits behaviors that we determine by whatever metric to be queer, we automatically assume that this person is gay. I’ve yet to hear anyone examine a person’s behavior and mannerisms and come to the conclusion that they were bisexual, pansexual, or any other orientation that isn’t gay or straight. I really do understand why these orientations aren’t recognized, and it’s because they’re complicated. A gay person can come out to a group by dropping easily recognized contextual hints about a man or woman that they like, find attractive, or are dating. If a person who is somewhere else along the spectrum of sexualities, they (we) cannot simply talk about who we are dating and have people understand. I have had many experiences at the center where I’ve started to talk about my girlfriend and had people give me funny looks, as if what I was saying was terribly confusing. Indeed, I’ve even had people cautiously ask me if I was “just an ally” because I brought up my girlfriend. No, just because I’m in a “heterosexual relationship” doesn’t automatically make me heterosexual.

Now to be fair, I have also had great experiences at the center with people who want to learn more about my sexuality and show an understanding that I can’t be defined in typical straight/gay terms. Yet the overwhelming tendency people have to associate LGBT with “gay” has been a bit of a bother for me. (Yeah, I’m prone to understatement.) When I hang a rainbow flag out of my window, to most that means that I support gay rights. But I don’t. I support LGBTQQIA (the A in this case being Asexual) rights and equality. I feel that too often when I am in the LGBT Center, it is assumed that I will only talk about my “gay side” and that my “straight side” is a taboo which unsuitable for conversation in such close proximity to rainbows. Well, I don’t have a straight side and a gay side, I am a bisexual. And I, and any other member of this community who doesn’t identify as gay or straight, shouldn’t have to try to figure out how to define my sexuality in terms that are compatible with the typical binary notion. Just some food for thought. Maybe that boy/girl you’re totally sure is gay is actually bisexual. Or pansexual. Or demisexual. You just don’t know, so please try not to assume for your own convenience.

So...interesting things don't really happen to me...

[Author’s note: I haven't really had any queer life experiences recently, so I'm just going to ramble a bit. Sorry. Post a comment if you'd like me to elaborate or just want to talk about something.]

So, since I'm a little short on LGBT related experiences to draw upon, I guess I'll talk a little bit about what my identity means to me. I identify as bisexual, as many of may know. That said, I've never actually had a sexual experience with a man. I think I might have had a romantic one once, but that was confusing and I was repressed so
I don't really count it. The reason I identify as bisexual though is pretty simple logic. I know for damn sure that I'm not straight. Straight boys just aren’t attracted to other boys.

The thing I find almost amusing is how integral the LGBT center and LGBT people have become in my life. I never thought of my sexual orientation as a big part of me, because I’m just not a very sexual person in general. So the idea that I would end up writing for a queer blog and working in the center would have sounded silly. My sexual orientation wouldn’t ever become that important to me, or so I thought. The thing that I failed to consider is that this is probably the only group that I belong to that is systemically oppressed. I mean, I am white and masculine enough to benefit from those two privilege systems. My family is middle class and I went to a pretty decent high school. I’m pretty lucky when it comes to privilege. So my bisexuality is the only thing that is considered inferior from a societal standpoint. But I could ramble about choosing how to identify myself all day, and I’ve got other thoughts to air.

Coming out as a bisexual (who is dating a woman) was a really strange (and tiring) experience. Inside my mind I always knew that I had the option to not come out, and nobody would be the wiser. I mean, people weren’t looking for me to be queer. I had a girlfriend. As we all know, having a different sexed partner is the number one indicator of straightness. Better yet, my relationship was the perfect excuse not to come out, because it wasn’t a ruse. I had (and do have) genuine feelings for this girl, and so I could pass perfectly easily. What’s worse, I wondered if she would break up with me if I came out. What it came down to, for me, was that if people would reject me for that, I didn’t want them around me anyway. No matter what the short term pain might be, it would be better than me having this secret constantly eating at me.

Then came the actual coming out. First person I came out to was my girlfriend, and in response she came out to me. Then we cuddled up on the couch and watched Fawlty Towers. So that went much better than expected. With that massive success I decided I would tell all sorts of people, my friends, my parents, my sister, anybody if it was relevant to a conversation. That…slowed down quickly. I got exhausted with having to explain it didn’t mean I was breaking up with my girlfriend, and no this doesn’t mean I’m secretly much hornier than I’ve previously shown, and yes I can be monogamous, … you get the idea. Hearing the same old questions got really frustrating, and made me realize how little people know about bisexuals. (Or queer people in general, I imagine, though I can only speak from my personal experience.)

So at the close of this ramble I’d like to remind you that if you’d like me to elaborate on some of the things in this 1:00 AM ramble, just ask me below in the comment thread. Or maybe you just want to use something here as the start for a larger conversation. Or maybe you saw something problematic here. I’d love to hear any of your thoughts. I’m a sucker for conversation. Anyway, that’s it from me. See you next month!

Crying Victim

The congressional debate over women’s reproductive rights has highlighted a recent shift in conservative rhetoric that has worked surprisingly well. This is the clever new tactic of playing the victim. I’ve wondered for a while why this strategy is working so well, and I can only think of one more I’m not questioning why people who already agree with the hyper-conservative opinions on these issues fancy the rhetoric, I’m just curious how that rhetoric sways moderates. The rhetorical shift I’m referring to is the new strategy of twisting issues where the goal is to undermine minority rights into issues about a lack of respect for their beliefs. Essentially, playing the victim. To use the example of contraception, those opposing the right of women to have coverage for birth control call it an attack on their religious liberty, and dub it a war on religion and so forth. The only reason I can think that this strategy works is that we as a people do not have an adequate understanding of privilege.

I think it’s an important thing for us as a culture to learn how privilege works. When a group is institutionally elevated above others; that is privilege. I’m sure most people reading this have heard this before, but I just wanted to be really clear. I actually think the rhetorical shift is a good thing. What it indicates is that privilege is starting to slip. As privileged groups like Christians, men, whites, and heterosexuals start to lose some of the privileges they’ve grown accustomed to, they see it as an attack on their liberty. That’s probably because once a privileged group gets used to a privilege, they start to see it as a right. So let’s be absolutely clear, constitutionally every person has the right to their personal beliefs unless their beliefs involve restricting the liberty of others. So now that we’ve got the basics of how the constitution works when it comes to civil liberties, maybe we can get on to same sex marriage…

As a note, I kept my definition of privilege deliberately short to show how simple it really is.

LGBT Icon: Stephen Fry

So I’m going to take some inspiration from another blogger who recently wrote a post on a queer role model. Introducing the British National Treasure, Stephen Fry. (For the record, they actually do call him that). Stephen is well known in the UK and around the world for his masterful wit and for his talents across a great many fields. He also has quite the interesting story in his background. He came from a well off family, and went to two preparatory schools, both of which he was kicked out of. Despite this, he was well known for his far above average intellect in both of these schools, and was eventually arrested for stealing a credit card from a family friend. After serving three months in prison, he went to City College Norwhich. While there he took the Cambridge entrance exams, and got a scholarship due to his high marks. Cambridge is where his career truly started.

While at Cambridge he joined the Cambridge Footlights, a comedy organization which has produced many of the well-known British comics. (Some of these being Graham Chapman, John Cleese, David Mitchell, and Robert Webb, to name a few) Cambridge Footlights was where he met his future comedy partner, Hugh Laurie. You may know him from “House”. Well, they went on to make a TV show called “A Bit of Fry and Laurie”. The show was a sketch show that aired in the ‘80s on which Laurie frequently played an idiot and Fry a more academic man with horrible taste in ties. The show was well received and Fry has since gone on to do a great many things. I can’t list all of the things he has been a part of here, but he has been in many comedy shows, stage dramas, made documentaries, made radio programs, written plays, been in movies, written novels, hosted TV shows, and more. He is a very busy man.

I suppose what I like most about him is that he’s witty, charming, and is a very inspiring role model to look up to from a queer perspective. He is one of the most popular celebrities in Britain, and he is openly gay. Not just that, but he strikes a very unique balance with talking about it. He doesn’t avoid the topic, but it just doesn’t seem like a very big deal. More than that, people who would normally be perfectly fine with saying homophobic things won’t do it around him. In fact, they become remarkably affirming around him. He is simply a very good influence and I highly recommend you look up some of his work. Any kind will do.

Bye now. (Oh and the one on the right is Hugh Laurie)

An Open Letter to Queer Duke Women

Firstly, I want to let everybody know about the Bisexual/Questioning visibility campaign that will be happening on campus this semester. We'll be essentially creating posters to raise visibility about Bisexual and Questioning issues. If you want in on this, email me at kab67@duke.edu. Or come to our meeting today at 1:00 PM in Alpine Atrium. Now on to the meat of the post...

Dear Women in the LGBT Community,

Hello. It’s difficult to phrase what I have to say to you, but I’m going to try. It’s the least I can do. I’ve seen and heard many things about how LGBT men at Duke don’t give our women the same respect as they do our men, and what I want to tell you is that I support you. When I came here at the beginning of last semester as an uncomfortable first-year just coming to terms with what his sexuality might mean in the exciting and new environment of college, it was you that made me most comfortable. When made my first probing visit to the Center to see if it was you who spoke to me first. (Specifically, I’m talking about Jen) You struck up a casual conversation, and something about the relaxed tone of your voice and the body language which betrays an introverted nature made me know that I wasn’t alone. That I’m not the only queer person who prefers a book to a social gathering. I have to admit, I looked forward to coming to the Center whenever I could, hoping that you’d be sitting there. You made this place feel that much more like home.

You didn’t just make me comfortable, you made me uncomfortable in the best possible way. (Megan, shout out to you on this section) You made me think about how so much of what I do and think on a day to day basis is inherently sexist. You made me confront my prejudices that I didn’t even realize were sexist. You opened my eyes to the fact that many of my beliefs and actions were inherently sexist and I did not even realize it. You’ve forced me to think, and I can’t thank you enough.

You’ve done so much for me to make me comfortable and to help me progress as a person, so how can I stand by while I hear you express your feelings of alienation in the Community? My best friend is a queer woman, the person who helped me awaken my feminist side is a queer woman, and the person who made me feel most welcome in the Center is a queer woman. As such, it baffles me that some would consider you less valuable as members of our Community. Even more confusing is what I’ve heard from some people, that they don’t see women’s issues as particularly important on the grand scheme of things. Well, I want to tell you that I DO think that women’s issues are very important. I also want to say that I want your input not just on women’s issues, but on every issue. You deserve the same respect as every other member of this community.

Something that’s given me pause of late, however, is the question of how I can help. I know that I find something very wrong with the average treatment of women in today’s society, but I don’t know what to do to solve it. It isn’t your responsibility to have these answers, but I wonder, how can I help? I want to support you in any way that I can, but I’m curious, what should I do? This might just be part of me processing this new feminist impulse, but I’m kind of at a loss for where to go from here. Any advice as to what you would like to see from me, and other men who think like I do, please share.

As for us men, it’s time we stopped being passive about this. I know there’s a lot of us out there that are better than our more sexist peers. So maybe it’s time we stepped up and told people to shut up when they’re being sexist, and correct the incorrect assumptions. Maybe we can try to make it cripplingly uncool to objectify women as purely objects for sexual desire and conquest. That might just be a pipe dream, but I think it’s worth a try.

Some Shameless Advertisement, and Thoughts of Home

Ok Our Lives readers, I have a bunch of things to discuss with you today/tonight. Hope this post finds you all well and working your way through finals tolerably well. Another quick reminder to for everyone to fill out the survey for the Center, it’s really important that we get as much feedback from the Community so we can put together a good report to determine what the center needs to be in the future. (For those who don’t know, the West Union Building is being renovated and it’s already been decided that the LGBT Center will not stay there. There’s a study group comprised of undergrads, grad students, and faculty members that are gathering information about the needs of Our Community. We’ll be reporting this information back to the powers that be so we can get a space that best suits the needs we’ve uncovered. Moral of the story? We need your input.)

First up on the agenda is to let you all know something that’s going to be happening next semester, Blue Devils United will be running a Bisexual/Questioning/Queer visibility campaign similar to the Transgender Awareness campaign which is just about ready to kick off, if it hasn’t already. (I’m not super aware of the world right now, with finals and all.) Essentially the point of this campaign is to shed some light on the “B” and “Q’s” of the full LBGTQQIAA acronym (let me know if I missed any). Essentially, our goal is to simply clarify some common misconceptions and get people talking about the rarely discussed issues tied to these identities. If you’re interested in working on this, shoot me an email or send one to Risa. We’d be glad to hear from any and all who are interested in helping in any way.

So, now to the meat of this post. This semester has been a pretty long and hard adjustment period for me, but I finally feel as though I’m starting to get the hang of things here. I feel like I’m doing better academically, and I’m beginning to feel a little more comfortable with the social life here. What concerns me most, now that the semester is nearly at its end, is going home. I feel that in my adjustment to life here, I’ve also adjusted to my queer identity as well. While when I first came out I felt uncomfortable with my bisexual identity, I now feel as though I’ve grown into it. I guess this is what it feels like to be unapologetically out of the closet.

This has been a wonderful experience for me, and I love how I’ve grown as a person thanks to this new openness, but it also a cause for some worry. As I prepare to journey back home to my family, I have to wonder if they’ll accept this “new” me. Will it bother them at all that I’m not how I remember them? Will I seem “too queer”? These are not things I would normally worry about, but it’s a little different with my family. I mean, I do have to live with them. Based on recent experiences though, I can say that my immediate family will probably not reject me based on my growth as a person.

My true worry comes from my grandparents, who I can say are decidedly homophobic. Some of the things that my grandfather has said have made me very nervous about the possibility of ever being out to him. (Example: Man, I love the actors with the Cortland Repertory Theater, too bad all the men are queers.) I worry about them because my family celebrates Christmas with them, and I can only imagine the debacle that Christmas would become if they started to pick up on my sexuality. They’re not idiots, and I can only dodge so many questions about my extra-curricular involvements before they start to get suspicious.

That said, I am not ashamed of who I am. I remember what that’s like, and I refuse to let the prejudices dictate my actions. If they figure it out, good for them. I won’t apologize for the way I love.

That’s it from me everyone, have a good finals week and I’ll see all of you on the other side.

-Kyle

Familial Equilibrium

This post is going to be more of a story than my previous posts, so bear with me if it’s a little boring. I’m not very good at emotional revelations, but enough avoiding the point, time (as the wise Graham Chapman always said) to “get on with it”.

I was one of the people that was always out of the closet. In fact, until my senior year of high school I wasn’t even aware that there was a closet to come out of. Once I had settled my own mind on the matter (enough to be sure that I was in fact bisexual and not just a bit curious), I decided that I had to tell my parents. Of course I knew that this was technically not my responsibility to share if I didn’t want to, but my parents and I have a very open relationship so I really wanted to tell them. Also I kind of assumed that they would provide a solid support base for me as they had always told me that they would love me no matter what.

Well, as you may be gathering, it didn’t exactly go like that. My mother was a bit confused at first and had no idea what to say, which even though it was pretty awkward was pretty understandable. My father’s reaction, though it wasn’t explicitly negative, was not at all supportive. In the couple of weeks after I came out he expressed various concerns to me and told me a number of things that nobody who is trying to adjust to their new (and fluid) identity wants to hear.

I’m going to go through some of the main ideas and outline my issues with them, though it might seem a bit obvious:

“I’m worried about you coming out in college. It’s a place to reinvent yourself and I don’t want you to get labeled as the queer kid.”

Ok, yeah of course college is a place to reinvent yourself, but what if that reinvention is partly that I want to finally be myself? What if I want to be open about all parts of who I am, instead of hiding and repressing myself? And finally, I AM a queer kid. As my father I hoped that he would support me being myself. Oh, and as a follow up to this, he told me he wanted me to “really think about” whether I want to be a part of LGBT life here at Duke. I did, and you can see what I decided.

“Being openly LGBT could really ruin your job prospects.”

This one’s pretty simple. I know that. Also, I’m just entering college. I don’t need to hear about the various ways that who I am could ruin my life. Finally, I’m really not interested in working for a company that isn’t cool with me being Bi.

“But you don’t even like the flamboyant gays. And they make up the majority of the gay community, so they’ll also make up most of your male dating prospects. So why even bother?”

Firstly, don’t speak for me. Sure, I’m an introvert and don’t mix terribly well with extroverts, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like them. Secondly, false false false false FALSE! “Flamboyant” gays are not the only members of the gay community, there is such a wide spectrum of people in this community that such a demeaning generalization quite ignorant and offensive. Furthermore, even if I never actually meet a man I connect with (I’m not looking for one now), why does that mean my identity is irrelevant? Which leads into the next thing, a return from my previous post:

“You aren’t biactual, you’re bicurious. I don’t have to deal with it until you actually have a boyfriend. Then I’ll believe it.”

Ok, yeah. Because I would totally expose myself like this if it were just a curiosity. I understand the desire to dodge dealing with your own homophobia, but seriously? Don’t put that on me. Especially when I’m at my most vulnerable.

(After describing something as gay and me saying something): “What? You never used to get offended when I said these things. Do I have to change the way I live for you?”

Well actually, I was always offended when you said that kind of thing, I just never said anything because at first I just thought it was part of the common slang and then I thought it would be suspicious to say things against it. Yes, I do want you to change “the way you live” because its insulting and demeaning. But if you seriously consider that a part of the way you live, you have a serious problem. Changing offensive slang is not that hard. (I know this because you have changed how you speak recently)

Ok, so now for a little caveat. About a month ago my father sent me an email to tell me that he was very sorry about what he said and he finally realized how offensive this is. Ironically he made this realization while watching “some asshole from fox news” (<-direct quote from the email) talk about how Americans don’t realize that the homosexual agenda is the most dangerous short term threat to America. He said he got angry, and then realized how I must feel hearing the same kind of thing. Then, he made the jump from this guy on fox to some of the comments he made. So he decided to be the father I remember and apologized to me. Then he asked me to set up a meeting with Janie in the center so they could talk to someone about how to be supportive to me. I have to say, since the meeting on parents weekend they have been more than supportive. They’re everything I wanted them to be in the first place.

They’ve been great since. Really open and supportive, and most importantly they are willing to discuss LGBT issues with me. I had an email conversation with my father this week about my church’s stance on the LGBT community (You like how I foreshadow future posts?), a conversation that wouldn’t have happened even two months ago. My parents have finally adopted LGBT rights as human rights, as they now have a face to put with it. Mine. Judging by some of the statements made above, you can really see how far they’ve come. I guess this is my own little it gets better story. Life sure isn’t perfect, but it’s a hell of a lot better now that I’m not worried about coming home. Yeah I wish they had reacted more positively initially, but the world just isn’t that simple. So everybody out there who is worried about coming out to the parents: It’s really your choice, but if you’re confident in who you are and are sick of hiding it, the only way to get that acceptance or at least arrangement is to just come out. It might take a while, but eventually you’ll reach a comfortable place as long as you don’t burn any bridges.

Disclaimer: I know this isn’t applicable in all circumstances, like if your parents are extremely homophobic or your relationship with them isn’t very good. In that case, I’m certainly not pressuring you to do anything that might be dangerous or you’re uncomfortable with.

Can you see me now?

I am not gay. I am a boy who is attracted to and can fall in love with girls. I know this is a somewhat strange way to begin a blog post for our lives, but it is on this point that my post hinges. So you might be thinking, “What does this have to do with LGBT issues?” Well, as an answer to this question I will also say this, I am not straight. I am a boy who is attracted and can fall in love with other boys. If this first paragraph confuses you, please read on, this post is for you.

I am a bisexual male. I feel attraction to both genders, and have the capacity to form romantic relationships with both. One of the frustrations I have that I feel is unique to bisexuality is that as a bisexual you have a tendency to be “invisible”. What I mean by this is that people generally assume that you are either straight or gay, never in between. If I’m talking about a boy I like, I’m gay. If I’m talking about a girl I like, I’m straight. I will tell you, these misconceptions are very annoying. The same problem applies to the spaces I occupy.

Back at home, I was straight. There was no question about that. Granted, I was single for most of high school, but that didn’t matter. Though I only started to discover myself in my senior year of high school, by the end of the school year this was bothering me. It didn’t really help matters that I had a girlfriend. Even after I told my parents that I was bisexual, I was still straight. My dad actually told me once, “You aren’t really bisexual. I mean, you have a girlfriend and you haven’t dated or slept with a boy. So really, you’re bicurious, not biactual.” Now spellcheck is telling me that the words “bicurious” and “biactual” are not real words. Well, that’s because they’re complete loads of (words I can’t say on this blog). The fact that I haven’t actually slept with a boy has no bearing on the attraction I feel. But I am on the edge of a tangent, and that is a post for another day.

Here at Duke I seem to have the opposite problem. Since the atmosphere here is much more accepting and queer friendly, I’ve found the strength to come out and not hide who I am. The problem is, people don’t seem to understand who I am. Though I still do have to deal with the expectation of heterosexuality, at Duke I have been mistaken for gay several times as well. I do understand how I could be a bit misleading as I have a rainbow bracelet I wear daily, I fly a rainbow flag from my window, and I spend my free time on West Campus in the LGBT Center. This doesn’t change the fact that it bothers me to be constantly misread. I mean, how does one show that they are bisexual? Short of walking up to a boy and planting a kiss on him, then turning to a girl and doing the same, how can I avoid being misinterpreted? I do wear a bisexual pride necklace, but most don’t know what it is. (For the record, it’s pink, purple and blue. Ask me about it and I’ll show you, or use the magic of the internet.)

Though these misconceptions bother me a bit, I’m generally loath to speak up about it. Though I cringe when I get lumped into the “gay” category, I don’t like to speak up for fear of being annoying. I’m generally better about speaking up when lumped into the “straight” category, but that doesn’t happen to me as much anymore. (It’s a wonder what a rainbow or two can do) Contrary to some beliefs that I’ve heard, being bi is not “half-gay”. We are a completely distinct orientation, nuanced and varied like any other. It is time that we are seen.

(I understand that I haven’t really given an idea to avoid bisexual invisibility, because I’m honestly not sure. Any ideas would make awesome comments *hint hint*.)

Southern Hospitality

[Editor's note: Here at the BDU Blog we feel fortunate that Our Community (OC, anyone?) grows each year...mostly because it means we get new blog writers :-P just kidding! just kidding! Really, though, please welcome Kyle and stay tuned for more new faces in the next week. We're glad to have you!]

As a first year student here at Duke, one is always faced with some complicated choices. The first couple of weeks on campus are filled with a sort of identity crisis, where everybody struggles to create the beginnings of what person they want to be (or be known as) at Duke. As I’m sure many LGBTQ people would be able to relate to, I had another dimension to this decision. As a bisexual male, I had many options available to me, and I was unsure about which would be the best to take. Do I take my father’s advice and closet myself? Do I not go out of my way to act straight, but avoid affiliation with the LGBTQ community? Do I come out?

During Orientation Week, I decided to go to a few of the LGBTQ events that were being held for freshmen. These were nice, and I met cool people, but I’m substantially awkward in the initial phase of meeting people, so I didn’t really connect with the place. Then on the first Thursday of classes a friend and I decided to see how hard it would be to pull that most venerated of college traditions, (no, not beer pong) the all-nighter! We discovered at about 6:00 the next morning that this was not a fantastic idea. (Especially considering I had five classes that day) After my first class, I remembered that the LGBT Center had comfortable looking couches. Half asleep, I stumbled through the doors and mumbled a question, “Do you mind if I sleep on that couch?” The person (Jess, I believe) who answered just smiled and said, “Sure, that’s fine.”

Though this seems like a pretty minor thing, when I woke up I realized just how comfortable I was in the center. I wasn’t nervous. I didn’t feel the need to watch my mannerisms; I didn’t think people were “figuring me out”. I hadn’t experienced comfort like that since I discovered my bisexuality at the end of last year. That prompted me to go to a Blue Devils United meeting, which then prompted me to attend a blog meeting… so here I am!

So here I am, but who am I? To give you a little idea of who exactly it is that’s rambling at you through though the internet, here’s a brief overview of me. I absolutely adore music, though not mainstream music. I tend to gravitate towards the more unique stuff, and I have the biggest crush on Damon Albarn of anyone you will ever meet. If you aren’t sure who I’m talking about, look him up. One of my favorite things to do is act, especially in comedies. (stereotypical, I know) My other love is philosophy. I enjoy taking some quiet time every now and then to read works of fiction and philosophy and then simply thinking about them. As such, I imagine many of my posts will have some sort of philosophical tone. I also like to design and build things. I am a potential biomedical engineering major. I have desire to get some other certification as well (I waffle between a second major in philosophy or a double minor in theater studies and philosophy). I’m not terribly athletic, nor am I at all religious, so I won’t be a very good resource for readers with any of the potential issues that accompany those. That said, I’d welcome any conversation from people reading this blog.

A brief overview of my “queer story”, as it were, is as follows. I live in an area where LGBTQ discourse and activism is rare and very small scale when it happens. I spent most of my life assuming I was straight because I wasn’t aware of other possibilities. Around November/December of my senior year of high school, I began to discover myself. From there on I’ve been dealing with my sexuality, trying to peel away the layers of repression and internalized homophobia. I’m doing pretty well (as evidenced by me writing this blog post), but I still have a ways to go. Anybody who relates to this situation, or even anyone who just likes some of the things that I like, I’d love to hear from you. If you see me on campus, feel free to say hi. You’ll know me by my fauxhawk.

Until next time,

Kyle