I have been struggling to find something to write about for a while but now I will cop out and write about my writers block, I know so meta right? I was absolutely drawing blanks of what to write about that has been somewhat related to my out life but all that kept popping into my mind was how much I hate japanese conjugation , how my new work study job at the Hock Plaza is forever away from my dorm room, how my three neuroscience classes have way to much reading, and how weight training class at 10:05 am is just to much masochism for senior year. Then I thought "'isn't this what I wanted when I came out' wait isn't this what I wanted when I graduated from high-school'" ( quote in a quote , so meta) . As I inevitably and subconsciously compare my curent senior year to my senior year in high-school, I begin to realize that my life is not so blasé and bourgeois as I as a non-party scene Dukie claim. During high-school I was so far deep into the closet I might as well have been Royalty of Narnia . I guess my fear was that my perfectly scripted face that I painfully developed as a socially awkward and anxious middle schooler would be harmed making life unbearable. Since I was little I have waned to be in academia and be a scientist so getting in to and going into Duke was a big check next to that box. Yet soon into freshperson year (I dislike the word "first year" for idiosyncratic and aesthetic reasons) that was not enough. Yet I didn't come out till sophomore year. So long story short ( read: saving fodder for another post) I had all those wonderfully awkward moments related burgeoning social self awareness , again. who knew coming to college meant re-doing middle school life development; and luckily my life did not become unbearable... too much. so in conclusion I would like to thank the Duke environment / life for letting me just hate (with a passion) japanese conjugation while coming out / being an out gay male.
p.s. デューク大学大好きですよ！
October 7, 2011
October 6, 2011
Throwback Thursdays: Drag?
[Editor's Note: Hey Readers! Welcome to the first installation of "Throwback Thursdays." Every first Thursday of the month we'll feature a post from the BDU Blog, Version 1.0. I thought this post about the '09 drag show is appropriate, in light of this month's upcoming drag show. Please let us know what you think about the questions "michael" poses. And, be sure to mark your calendars: BDU's Annual Drag Show will be on October 20th at the Coffee House on East campus; there is a 7pm and a 9pm show.)]March 5, 2009
So we had the Drag Show last week, and I think it was a success. At least it was a success in terms of the number of people who showed up, but I am not sure about how many people "got" the point of the show? Do Duke students understand the gender play and why we had the show? I am not sure.
The Drag Show is a great "social" occasion where we are able to increase the presence of both Blue Devils United and the LGBTQ Community on campus. It is a chance for students to showcase their talent and to have a little fun. Does the Drag Show have a political element to it? Should that be the focus? Or is it enough to just make the statement that we make and give Duke a taste of a part of the LGBTQ Community they do not usually see?
I think it is a touch balancing act. If we just make it a social and performance event, than it is likely that our message, of shock, acceptance, and understanding, may be lost though the "hilarity" that people see. However, if we politicize and shock too much, do we risk alienating our audience so that they shut out and ignore the cultural statements we are trying to challenge and make?
I pose these questions to you, so that we can work on how we present future Drag Shows and the Duke LGBTQ Community so that we can effectively and accurately promote our causes.
Let us know what you think.
"michael"
October 5, 2011
Effort
Disclaimer: This is not a criticism of the Trevor Project and its message. It’s a commentary on the colloquialism of its motto and it’s application to life; specifically, college life.
It gets better. For some. And by some, I mean about 20% of the population. And the chances of it just “getting better” wholly rely on how tormented and tortured you previously were. The worse your life is, the easier it is for it to just “get better” (which isn't always guaranteed). What I mean to say is if your life was super-fantastic-rainbow-glitter-awesomeness, then chances are it's going to be pretty difficult for it to get much better than that. And for relativity’s sake, let’s just say the before and after are high school and college, respectively.
If you were bullied, there are high chances that it’ll just “get better” because proper adults have better things to do than physically and mentally harm others. This is not to say that there aren’t people out there who can’t shed their immature ways and just leave others be. I mean, we see bullying in our government all the time, and homophobic language has become an unfortunate standard in everyday conversation.
If you come from a small, conservative town, and end up at an institution of high learning, chances are the liberal feel of your new environment is certainly better than the suffocating feel of your previous environment (and depending on where you come from, even religious universities can be a safe haven for you). And if you were struggling with reconciling your religion with your LGBTQ identity, there will most likely be more support and solidarity within your newfound community.
But for those who haven’t been bullied, or morally conflicted, or come from a place that is accepting—those who were still discontent with their previous situation because it was just “ok” and not “good or great”, I’d say you’re out of luck.
Well, you’re only out of luck if you limit yourself to the mantra of the Trevor Project. I hate to break it to you, but the Trevor Project isn’t targeting you as its audience. Ok, so you say that’s unfair, and that you want better than “content”—you want happiness too. What are you supposed to do, right?
Well, that’s an easy answer, but it’s not an answer that’s easy to execute.
For you, things won’t just “get better”. You have to make them better.
I identify with the my-life-wasn’t-bad-but-it-wasn’t-great-either crowd. I’ve apparently lived in a progressive city all my life (without knowing it was progressive) but my actions have made my life as a queer woman manageable. I never came out in high school. The reasons for that were simple:
A) I went to school with my sister for a short while, and didn’t want my family to know.
B) I went to school with my sister’s friends for a short while, and didn’t want them mentioning it to her and letting my family know.
C) Queer women didn’t exist unless they were sassy and likeable enough to demand respect from others/had friends that would have their backs if anything were to happen (read: they were the popular basketball girls or the girls who were in gangs—yes, REAL gangs). I was unfortunately neither of those kinds of girls. I should’ve joined a gang when I had the chance, am I right?
D) I was afraid of judgment.
Funnily, my closeted life in high school was, in ways, “better” than my out life in college. Which is kind of a bad thing. But speaking in terms of comfort with my identity, my before was certainly not better than my after. And I’m now going to explain how I made my “after” better.
I came out first thing. It started with coming out to my first year roommate during our summer Facebook message exchange, who responded with, “Well it was certainly unexpected, and I kind of wish you made it more dramatic than a Facebook message spoiler, but I’ll live.” After that I was just honest and open about my sexuality. There are pros and cons to coming out, and depending on what you want to achieve by coming out, you may or may not find it useful.
If you’re coming out to finally explore your sexuality, then I suppose that’s a good idea. It’ll be hard to find other LGBTQ identified students to forge relationships with (please note how I’m not saying it’s impossible, but the math deities say probability is on your side if you do come out). There’s also the Duke hook-up culture component to consider as well—that culture includes all sexualities. Whether or not you want to become a part of that could possibly influence your experiences.
Oddly enough, coming out might not help in your endeavor of dating at all. In my experience, that was the case. I had more "queer relationships" when I was closeted than since I’ve been out, and I often wonder if there was even a point to me coming out, besides slightly alienating myself from my family. But to counter those feelings are all of the wonderful experiences I’ve had with the people I’ve met and how comfortable I’ve become with my sexuality. However, if you’re looking for comfort, it’s not enough to just come out. You have to establish a sense of belonging, or you’ll be unsure and alone. Which, in my opinion, is worse than being closeted and alone.
I was (almost) doing the most last year. I attended a number of events sponsored by BDU and/or hosted at the Center. I became an active member of the Community and started writing for the blog. And by doing so I have gained a few new friends. Please note that these friends and experiences didn’t just fall into my lap out of nowhere. I had to put forth some effort. And I’m pretty happy that I did.
To make a long story short, for those who don’t see it just getting better, be proactive and make it better for yourself. I don't believe "it gets better", but I'll be damned if I sit around and do nothing about my state of content. If it still doesn’t get better after that, you’ll just have to continue what you’re doing and wait—which is much better than sour-graping and doing nothing but expecting better. If it comes to the worst, you can always just start collecting cats. Focus on the good things in life and do what is in your power to shape your future.
Also, never consider joining a gang. That’s just a very bad idea in general.
October 4, 2011
Shout Out to the Allies!
[Editor's Note: Please welcome our newest blog writer! Kory, we're thrilled to have you!]I feel like all I ever see on the local and national news nowadays are articles on the issue of gay rights. The local news is peppered with reports on NC’s marriage amendment, and CNN always seems to have something that was mentioned during a GOP debate or campaign speech. I actually dread reading these articles because of the hate I know I’m going to see in them. I read interviews of people who say all kinds of nasty and completely untrue things about non-heterosexuals, and it really does upset me to know that there are people who actually agree with a lot of those ideas. I’m not naïve, of course; I know there are tons of people who feel so strongly against the idea of gay rights, but there’s something about actually seeing and hearing those opinions that makes me feel so alone sometimes.
This is where the allies come in to the picture. This is when I’m so appreciative to have my friends. I feel so comforted when they ask me those awkward questions, or when they make that inappropriate joke. It means they’re comfortable with homosexuality; it means they want to understand people who are different; it means they care. And then I think about all of these people in the world who feel just as strongly in support of equal rights, and how the numbers are growing everyday.
As I’m writing this, in fact, the straight girl in the room is ranting over how stupid the marriage amendment is. She is actually upset that the legislation passed, and she has nothing to gain or lose over the passage of that amendment. I like how she asks me about how homosexual relationships work, and how I look at anti-lgbt laws, and all those questions that let me know she is willing to take the time to explore differences and understand them instead of defaulting to lashing out and being afraid.
Even though I wish more people would take the time to try to understand our differences instead of going on the attack, those people can never make me feel the way my friends do; the way our allies do; the way anyone who actually makes an effort to stand up for civil rights does.
To all the allies out there—thank you. Thank you for refusing to resort to hate speech and discrimination. Thank you for asking those questions. Thank you for all that you do for everyone who doesn’t fit the mold. Thank you for showing us that you care; you will never know just how much that means to us.
October 3, 2011
Anonymous Posts (9.26.11-10.2.11)
Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks, hate speech, or express or insinuate that one is at risk for hurting themselves or someone else. Please read this for an explanation of this policy and seek help if your or a friend find yourself in that position. With those exceptions aside, please feel free to submit your thoughts and questions. :)Hey, yo! It was a great week for us here at the blog. Jacob made it onto Pam's House Blend...which is just, there are no words for that. We welcomed our second 2015 blogger, and our first ever faculty blogger.
This week is going to be a great week in the Community, too! Spectrum is meeting on Tuesday from 6-7pm in the Center. Blue Devils United (you know, the Higher Power behind This Blog) is meeting on Wednesday at 5:30, also at the Center. Followed by a blog meeting (the Actual Higher Powers That Be) on Thursday night, 9pm, location TBA. Not to mention, we have another newbie blogger and our first installation of Throwback Thursdays lined up!
Did anyone see this article from CNN on transgender children? It was pretty good. It is also where I learned that Sonny and Cher's child is an out transman (sorry I'm only years behind of this). Oh, and better yet, the Center has his memoir! But if you'd rather stay staring at your computer, you can read an excerpt from it on Oprah.com. If you're wondering, that is information I just happen to know and is obviously not because I spent an hour reading article after article about LGBTQ issues.
And for those of you who celebrated Rosh Hashannah last week, I sincerely hope it was meaningful and included inordinate amounts of apples dipped in honey.
And now, for notes from Our Community (OC...#ThisWillCatchOn).
#1
Love the new layout! xoxo
#2
I was molested when I was 7 years old. As a result of the assault my sexuality was awakened. I had access to the internet, and spent days “researching” whatever information I could find. I would “experiment” with other children. I wrote stories to help understand the concepts that society said I wasn’t yet ready to deal with. Most of the characters were all girls. The other children I experimented with were always girls. I’ve always been attracted to girls, and I’ve always sort of knew. It was never something I questioned, just something I’d always accepted. It was a part of me. I liked girls. As well as guys, but, you know, that’s a given, right? [/sarcasm.] I never really questioned my identity until I was older. And not whether I was straight or queer, but whether I was bisexual or a lesbian. That little nagging voice in the back of my head started going, “What if…?” What if I didn’t really like boys? What if I only liked girls? Most of my previous attractions had been to girls, so I must be a lesbian. But I’d had crushes on guys as well, so I couldn’t be. This went on for a while, until one day, the thought hit me: what if I’m lying to myself? Because at that point, I’d suddenly remembered that I had been molested when I was 7 years old. It wasn’t something that I had necessarily repressed; I’ve always remembered, I remember every detail of what happened; I just never dwelled on it. Until then. What if I only thought I was a lesbian because I had been molested? What if I was trying to compensate for the violation I felt by doing a one-eighty and going in the complete opposite direction of what I was supposed to? Would that explain my sexual attraction to girls? Would it explain my emotional attraction to boys, but the debilitating anxiety that I felt whenever anything remotely sexual with them occurred? Was that why I had an anxiety attack every time my ex tried to initiate sex, or even touch me in any intimate way? Am I not really attracted to girls? Am I just lying to myself? The possibility that my sexual orientation could be the result of a traumatic childhood experience was devastating for me, and it bothered me for quite a while. It was an identity crisis that I never could have imagined I would have to deal with. For now I tend to just not think about it, so I don’t know how badly I’ve been “damaged” by it. And I don’t want what happened to turn into an excuse, for anything, so I ignore it. For now I’ve accepted that I like people of both the same and opposite gender/gender presentations. That’s just who I am. But even to this day, those doubts still linger in the back of my mind, that irksome voice always asking that elusive “What if…?”
[Editor's Note: Thank you for writing in, #2. If you are looking for in-person support, please see the resources at the bottom of this post or consider making an appointment with the Women's Center's Sheila Broderick, a feminist therapist who specializes in sexual violence. In addition to talking through your concerns with you, Sheila can also help inform you of what your options are when it comes to reporting your assault and seeking academic relief, etc.]
Please remember that there are a number of resources available on campus and in the local community. These resources are available over breaks and throughout the school year. If you or a friend are experiencing thoughts or urges to harm yourself or somebody else, please reach out to the following resources: In an emergency, please don't hesitate to call CAPS at any time, including "after hours" at (919) 966-3820. Ask to speak to the advice nurse and tell them you are a Duke student. You may also call the Trevor Project, a national hotline specifically for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer and questioning youth (college students included). Their number is 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386).
September 30, 2011
Esse Quam Videri
[Editor's Note: You may recall reading in this post that we will be featuring Faculty Bloggers this year! Thank you to Dr. G for agreeing to write for us, and welcome to the writing side of things. We've appreciated your past readership and support and continue to appreciate your outspokenness as an ally!]
I find it a somewhat amazing coincidence that 18 years ago I wrote my first-ever letter-to-the editor (of The Chronicle) entitled “Removing ROTC simply a quick fix.” I was arguing against banning ROTC on campus as a means of effecting change regarding policies barring homosexuality in the military. The coincidence is that my letter was published right about the time that the men and women enlisting in the military today were being born and just a few short years after the birth of Midshipman Pruitt – he of the “Repeal, The Question, and JFK” post published here on September 20th, the day Don’t-ask-don’t-tell expired. As a result, I have thought about what it means to be an ally, as opposed to just seeming like one.
In the spring of 1993, the Department of Defense policy in force was from a 1982 directive stating that homosexuality was incompatible with military service. In part because of this policy, several universities had already banned ROTC from campus, and the Arts & Sciences Council at Duke was discussing doing the same. I was a senior in the Naval ROTC program at the time and knew that the officers we worked for and students we served with were not the ones setting the policies. I also knew that ROTC units around the country were being re-sized – generally downward – and I worried that, if the Arts & Sciences Council moved towards a ban, the Department of Defense would waste little time closing Duke’s unit. I and several of my classmates in the program were able to afford Duke primarily because of the scholarships offered through ROTC, and I became concerned that a ban on ROTC would mean (1) that in the future people in my situation would not be able to attend Duke, and (2) that those same people – who perhaps were opposed to the ban as I was – might place the blame and their anger on the people they perceived as having taken away their ability to go to a place like Duke University. I thought the move to support students who were being barred from service might backfire given that none of the policy makers would be affected but potential future policy makers would. As it turns out, the Arts & Sciences Council did not have enough voting members on hand that day and, as far as I can recall, never did change official policy regarding the ROTC units.
Looking back now, I believe my letter was neither the worst, nor the best, beginning for an ally.
Not the worst beginning, because I – and you as well – can imagine letters far worse than the one I wrote being written about the possibility of an ROTC ban. If not, there are doubtless some soundbites you can glean from the interwebs regarding the repeal of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy and then timeshift to when under the law of the land it was not just talking about being LGBTQ that was seen as incompatible with military service but actually being LGBTQ.
And the letter was not the best beginning, because, frankly, it could be read as saying, “Well, it may be unfair for you as an LGBTQ person to be barred from receiving an ROTC scholarship or serving in the military, but if Duke imposes this ban, I would have to take out loans and stuff to go to Duke or pick one of the other several dozen excellent universities with ROTC programs to earn my commission!” If Chris Perry were still the editor here, I’m pretty sure he would be able to add the helpful #straightguyproblems tag that would well and truly indicate the relative importance of the issues. In stating, “I am personally opposed to the ban, but removing ROTC is not an effective countermeasure,” I was certainly seeming to be an ally – but without actually being one. In fact, I did not even have a concept about what being an ally would mean.
Fast forward a few years. I am at a conference with a colleague and several students. Somehow, one of the students and I ended up discussing the harassment that the student had suffered as a result of being gay: the verbal and physical threats. It was the first time that I had been told by anyone directly what they had gone through just for being who they are. It was the first time I realized that such a thing could actually happen at Duke.
Fast forward a few more years. I get a phone call from one of my best students. “What can I do if my parents disown me?”
Um… What?
Long story short, the student had finally come to the realization that the psychologically hellish dichotomy of being at Duke and its relatively more understanding environment followed by being at home and having to be Someone Else needed to be changed, and the way to make that change was to come out. The student’s fear about coming out was that the student’s parents would take away the one thing that had actually been a blessing and a comfort – the connection to Duke and with it the fellow students and faculty and staff who had been supportive and the environment in which a new life of truth had begun. This time I saw a blessedly different side of Duke – one I wanted to be a part of and see grow.
As for being disowned - I couldn’t even begin to fathom such a thing. And so I had to start learning what it would mean to actually be an ally. If situations like these had to be dealt with by these two students, there had to be other students in similar struggles. And if someone like me, sheltered as I’ve been from discrimination and prejudice, had somehow still managed to convey an openness to be approached on matters of discrimination based on sexual orientation, there had to be others who had experienced more and learned more than I and who could help me. And, lo and behold, there are!
 |
| (c) Matt Lyons Used with permission |
And if you have been by my office, or others on campus, you have hopefully seen the Ally sign members of the Ally Network put up to both show you our support and to mark our space as a safe one for you to be yourself.
For anyone reading this who is interested in being a part of the Ally Network, there are two training seminars this semester:
- October 18, 5:30 – 8:30, Center for LGBT Life
- November 7, 11:00 AM – 2:00 PM, Center for LGBT Life
It is a real privilege to be granted space on this blog – and I hope going forward that I will earn the honor by being an ally rather than merely seeming to be one.
Esse Quam Videri.
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