Questioning in Silence

Starting my sophomore year, I’ve written a blog post every year on the Day of Silence. While the rest of the nation participated in Day of Silence on Friday, we were busy celebrating our seniors in Lavender Graduation (2012, what’s up!?). As a result, the Blue Devils United Executive Board decided that here at Duke, we’d observe DOS tomorrow.

Which leads me to this post.  

Tomorrow, I’m silent for those who are questioning in silence. After all, I was one of them for far too long.

So what kept me from talking about it? At the time that I came out as questioning on the blog, I wrote that there were “approximately 12318023 barriers along the way.” Here’s four of them. And, while I can’t say that these are the barriers that every person who is questioning faces, I also don’t believe that they are entirely unique unto me.

1. I didn’t want to be “Just another gay LGBTQ Rights Activist” It might be hard for some people to believe, but I’m not an LGBTQ rights activist because of my own sexuality. My activism has and always will stem from the “ally” part of me—the part of me that believes that all people deserve respect, equality, dignity, and safety. It’s the part of me that embraces MLK’s quote, “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter,” and out retired NBA player John Amechi’s quote, "Why speak, why act, why exist if not to change the world?"

I didn’t want to be “just another gay LGBTQ rights activist,” because I’m not. I might be gay or bi or something other than straight. And I’m definitely an activist. But those identities aren’t connected for me. To this day, when I advocate to vote against Amendment 1, it’s not because someday I might want to marry a woman. It’s because I believe all people deserve the right to the legal protections and benefits that come with marriage. As people in this community understand all too well, it’s not fun being taken for something you’re not. Coming out as questioning jeopardized people understanding my motives for being an activist.

2. I didn’t want to be “Just Another Gay Female Athlete/Women’s Sports Fan” What I learned from this is that stereotypes hurt people. Both people who are and aren’t a stereotype feel the need to continually prove that they’re not. Specifically, people who fit a stereotype want to be seen as an individual—not as an archetype. The female athlete/women’s sports fan stereotype, especially, kept me from embracing who I might be. I didn’t want people to think I was just another gay female athlete/women’s sports fan, because once again, those things are obviously unrelated for me. And because I’m so much more. I was afraid people wouldn’t get that. So I denied that I was questioning—to myself and others.

3. I didn’t want to talk about it until I had answers/a girlfriend/etc That’s pretty simple. Explaining what you might be and what you might not be—well, it’s confusing and complicated and most people, even if they are embracing/affirming/etc, don’t get it. I didn’t want to “come out” if I was just going to decide that I was actually straight. And if I did decide I was gay/bi/queer, I didn’t want to come out until I had a significant other, because, it seemed pretty irrelevant.

4. No One Else Talked About Questioning Even in the LGBT Center, where people are eccentric and own their quirks…nobody once talked about questioning (in my presence). Everybody seemed to know where they stood—seemed to have this story that they popped out of the womb gay and have known since then. I felt like I was the only one to ever struggle with this, and I didn’t even have words for it.

Obviously, I’ve learned to put those woes aside. People might think that I’m an activist because I’m questioning and they might think I’m just a stereotypical female athlete and women’s sports fan, but they’d be wrong on both accounts. There isn’t much I can do about it, though, and it isn’t worth my time or energy to worry. It sure isn’t worth my energy to be ashamed of who I am because of their narrow views.

I’ve also since learned to live with and embrace questioning. Anybody who’s ever taken a class with me (dating back to kindergarten) knows that questions are what I do best. It seems that this is just another area of my life where that’s true.

It probably won't surprise people reading this who know me that patience isn’t my strength.  In typical Risa fashion, I got tired of waiting to have to talk about my sexuality. Now, I’m not sure I’ll ever have answers—and I’m finally okay with that.

Lastly, I learned that if I want people to talk about questioning, I’ve got to be the one to talk about it. Nobody can share my story if I don’t. I didn’t have the role models I wished I would have had—but I can be a mentor, an ear, a support system for someone else. As I see it, I have an accepting family and community, and so it’s my responsibility to help in any small way I can. I want to empower others to share their stories of uncertainty and coming into their own.

On the Day of Silence, our collective silence is loud. But in everyday life, the silence around questioning is desperately lonely.

Taking A Step Back

I’m going to stop identifying as gay for a while. No, this does not mean I am straight. It doesn’t mean I’m bisexual, and it certainly doesn’t mean that I am NOT gay. What it does mean is that I am unsure of a lot of things in my life right now, and am questioning my sexuality. This also does not mean that I am going to stop going to the LGBT center, or delight in having life changing conversations about sexuality and all the ramifications thereof with Megan in the hallway between our rooms. It does not mean that I will fight any less hard for the LGBT rights and it does not mean that I will not go to the ballot box and vote down amendment one. It DOES mean that, for me, right now, identifying as gay man gives me more pain than happiness in my life. I am 100% secure in my male gender identity, and everything else by which I identify. In fact, the only identity about which I am insecure is my sexual identity.

There is so much that gives me joy in life right now. I love my friends, my family, going to basketball games, the band, hanging out with Round Table, etc. I am so excited to start my classes for second semester, so thrilled to learn more about engineering and get back into the Perkins grind. The only real source of anguish in my life right now is in my sexuality. I have yet to have any type of meaningful, loving romantic relationship with a man or a woman, and this lack of experience only heightens my insecurity. I am aware of the pettiness of this statement, but the lack of romantic love in my life hinders my ability to embrace all the love that is around me. This may not make sense to every reader, but in identifying as gay, I feel an inherent pressure to find a partner, a boyfriend, a lover. Because I have so many issues with my own sexuality identity at the moment, engaging in one of the aforementioned relationships wouldn’t be fair for my future partner, and wouldn’t be healthy for me. I have a lot to figure out before I am ready to accept romantic love into my life. And while I figure all of that out, I am going to stop identifying as gay so that I do not feel the pressure to find a partner, and so that I can fully embrace the love of my friends and family.

Now, I know that not identifying as gay might hinder the movement towards LGBT equality. Having one less member of the community who is secure and actively fighting for Our rights might hinder progress. I may be the only LGBT identified individual that any number of my friends know, and by no longer identifying as gay, I am severing any ties that these friends have to the LGBT community. I am aware that not identifying as gay is inherently selfish, which is why I intend to get my identity sorted out with haste. By taking this (hopefully) shortened leave, I can come back a healthier and stronger member of the community. I give a lot of myself to a lot of different people and different groups and communities, and this is going to be the first holistically selfish thing I have done in a while. For that I hope you readers can forgive me.

I don't want this to sound like I am throwing myself a pity party. I am consciously thankful for all of the blessings and people I have in my life. I am simply trying to step back, get some perspective, and resolve an issue in my life that is causing me pain. My purpose in sharing this with you all is to convey that someone like me, who has been out for a while, still can have questions about his sexuality. I hope that knowing you are not alone in your process of questioning gives you some sort of comfort.

Anonymous Posts (11.28.11-12.4.11)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks, hate speech, or express or insinuate that one is at risk for hurting themselves or someone else. Please read this for an explanation of this policy and seek help if your or a friend find yourself in that position. With those exceptions aside, please feel free to submit your thoughts and questions. :)

Wow. What a weekend. Women's soccer took us on an incredible ride to the national championship game, and, though we didn't pull out the final 'W,' I couldn't be more proud of the team or the way this campus supported them.

The Bar...Durham got pretty crowded Saturday night, thanks to one community member's efforts, so props to him and thanks! If you didn't get any action, have no fear--Sara (#i'mbitter) and I (Girl Crushes) teamed up to make sure at least the blog got some. :-P So check out the posts!

Happy December and good luck as we embark on Fall LWOC! The Center and BDU have a bunch of events (first year dinner tonight, Spectrum Tuesday, Our Lives Discussion Group Wednesday, Women Loving Women Sunday) to keep you on your toes, so check out the sidebar. And be sure to come out to the last Blue Devils United meeting of the semester, Wednesday, 5:30pm.

Now, notes from OC!

#1
Over the last week a few people have made jokes about my being gay or being closeted and I just go right ahead and laughingly agree with them. It's funny because I am (I think right?)! But it's surprising how natural it is to hear myself referred to as gay... I guess it's just an outward expression of how I tend to think of myself anyways. Anywho I'm just chillin in the closet until I figure out exactly how I feel... what do you guys think the chances are that that will happen (I know you don't know me, but best bets)? I'm not stressed or anything, because I don't know how much it matters if I "know" how I feel, but I do feel like I wouldn't want to come out as questioning or come out at all unless I was sure.

#2
I'd be curious to know the community's reaction to this. It's a rarely expressed viewpoint here, and I'm curious as to reactions. Shane

#3
[Author's note: this is directed to multiple gay men, although the letter is addressed singularly:]
Dear Gay male, Your comment last night was hurtful. I was in your room, and you said, "The Bar was so LESBIIIAAAANNNN tonight!" You know what? The Bar was about 50:50 women:men tonight. It really wasn't "that" lesbian-in fact it was almost equal, for once. We've been going to your events for years (read: BDU, Vespa, virtually any and every gay bar, etc.), and we never once told you that it was "so gay". Instead, we quietly tried to cultivate our own women's community and hoped maybe one day we'd get a space half as many women as we consistently see at your events and your gay bars. When I walk into the LGBT Center, I notice that you talk to the gay men. But never to me. I know you're not physically attracted to me-that's okay. But it's not okay to ignore me and pretend like I don't exist. Just because I'm not a prospect doesn't mean I suddenly don't matter. I speak with men when I enter the Center-not only is it common courtesy, but ignoring them doesn't even cross my mind. Why do you ignore the women in your own space? Is it because I'm any less sexually appealing than the men? (Would that rationale even make it okay?) You say you are "progressive". You then speak over me. You talk, and talk, and talk. I'm not sure if it's your white privilege or your male privilege or both that lead you to do this-but I feel like I can never get a word in. I wish you would realize that men, statistically, dominate conversation time. Women can never get a word in. Please don't tell me that "women are more expressive with their emotions" and so that makes it okay that you are being expressive now. Facts show that women's voices are routinely not heard-whether that is politically, economically, etc. You say you are a "progressive" gay. You're not being progressive if you don't ask the women what they think-and you're even less progressive if you simply don't care. Are you recognizing your own male privilege? If not, you're losing me as a friend, because your comments hurt, whether or not you can understand why. You can actively be my ally. You can ask me my thoughts, opinions-and you can be willing to be silent (not all the time, but yes, at times), and listen to my female voice. I hope you're willing to try.
-A Queer Woman (who is a member of your community, your "family", and just as much a part of this movement as you.)

#4
I told this girl I like her today...well I hinted at it and I'm pretty sure she got the picture. She seemed weirded out and the conversation ended shortly after. I thought she'd be cool with it because she's very open about one of her relatives being gay. I think it's somewhat funny that my first attempt at getting with another girl went so horribly. I feel really crappy. That is all.

#5
I just can’t help but wish that I was better at the whole gay bar scene/thing. I’m a girl who is pretty involved with BDU and the Center and I have a lot of lgbtq friends, but I still had a hard time figuring out who to go with to the bar on Saturday night. I’m not in any of the gay friend groups, and most of my lgbtq friends are guys. It’s hard to go out with them, because they, understandably, don’t want to have anything to do with me when they’re looking for a hook up (or even when they include me, I get left out once people decide to be sexy with each other). I’m not the biggest fan of Women Loving Women, which probably would have been the easy fix to all of this. Once I finally found my way to the bar, I just felt paralyzed. I didn’t know how to dance with anyone except my gay guy friends (a few of them have the same social anxieties as me, which means that dancing with each other is the safe alternative to having to find someone of our same gender). I like dancing with them. It’s fun! But I can only do that for so long…and it’s not why I went to the bar. But when it comes to other women, I don’t know how to do anything other than ‘circle dance’ in a group. And then it gets to the point where it’s just so hard to see everyone pairing up and being sexy with each other and not having anyone. I’m so at peace with being single until I go out to the bar, at which point I’m still fine with being single/not in a relationship, but I really want to partner up for the night, at least. But of course, I don’t want to partner up with someone who I know well from Duke—because what happens when I run into them on the quad or at the center later? This isn’t very coherent, but I guess what I’m trying to say is that going out is just all so complicated for me and by the end of the night I always experience frustration, disappointment, self-hate for not being ‘better’ at ‘this’, and am in a funk.

Please remember that there are a number of resources available on campus and in the local community. These resources are available over breaks and throughout the school year. If you or a friend are experiencing thoughts or urges to harm yourself or somebody else, please reach out to the following resources: In an emergency, please don't hesitate to call CAPS at any time, including "after hours" at (919) 966-3820. Ask to speak to the advice nurse and tell them you are a Duke student. You may also call the Trevor Project, a national hotline specifically for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer and questioning youth (college students included). Their number is 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386).

Girl Crushes

[Author's Note: I originally wrote this post in mid-June.]

Step 1. Tell someone I’m questioning my sexuality (see a future post on how this goes)
Step 2. That person asks if I have a crush on a girl
Step 3. Tell that person, “No.”
Step 4. That person asks if I have ever had a crush on a girl
Step 5. Tell that person, “I don’t know.”
Step 5½. Sound stupid.

The questioning process has raised well, a lot of questions for me. I’ve spent a lot of time examining past crushes (on boys) and past friendships (with girls). I’ve thought about my current friendships, with both boys and girls. I’ve wondered about the many (female) role models I had while growing up.

All of that said, I can’t actually tell you if I’ve ever had a crush on a girl. Maybe it sounds ridiculous for someone who has never had a crush on a girl to be questioning her sexuality. In fact, I remember the first time I told someone I was questioning and they asked me about my crush history. I knew it didn’t really add up. But not having crushes also doesn’t really add up.

So I thought that maybe I had crushes that I just didn’t recognize as crushes, for whatever reason. Maybe I experienced the same feelings that others experience when they’re crushing on someone, but don’t call it a crush. Maybe I had a crush on a guy at some point, but brushed it aside. Maybe I had a crush on a woman and didn’t know because I wasn’t open to feeling those things.

Well, I feel pretty confident that I haven’t recently had a crush on a guy. I have a little more experience with those, and think I’d recognize it as familiar (for instance, five year old Risa was pretty fond of her brother’s 3rd grade best friend, Kyle. And if you're wondering, recent facebook stalking has proven that five year old Risa had great tastes and a keen ability to project future looks).

On the other hand, all of my friends who are queer women have told me that after coming out they realized that they had a crush on such and such a person (or x, y, and z people). But I don’t really know how I’m supposed to know that. I don’t remember ever feeling sexual attraction for my childhood best friend(s) or any other woman in my life—but admittedly, I wasn’t super open to the idea when I was younger (since I thought I knew I was straight). I don’t know how I’m supposed to remember exactly what that friendship was like, so many years after it dissolved, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to know whether whatever those feelings were would constitute a “crush.”

What does it even mean to have a crush on someone? There are tons of people (both men and women) in my life about whom I am crazy. With all of these people, I am invested in their lives, they make me laugh and smile, I’m always excited to see them, I like talking with them, I trust them, I admire and respect them and I want them to have a role in my life for as long as I live. Would I make out with those people? Yeah, probably, sure, I guess; if they started it. But I don’t have any desire or need to do that with them. “Yeah, probably, sure, I guess; if they started it” isn’t exactly the kind of attitude I imagine someone having about a crush.

This exercise of reflecting and examining left me without many answers. And then I read this blog post by a woman who realized what all of her past relationships were missing: “The Ripping Off His Clothes Factor.” She dated a guy who she loved to be around, talk and laugh with, but with whom she didn’t have any sexual chemistry. Now that she is dating another man, one with whom she loves to be around, talk and laugh with, and for whom she has a desire to rip his clothes off, she understands that the personality characteristics aren’t enough on which to base a relationship. (Apparently) there is more to a crush than thinking someone is an amazing human being who compliments you in life. Her wisdom led me to conclude that all of these amazing women in my life are just that—wonderful women and fantastic friends—and that the few men in my life with whom I am close are some of the best friends I could ask for.

So, have I ever had a crush on a girl? Not that I know of.
Have I ever had a crush on a guy? Yes, but not in years.

Which, in short, is why I’m “questioning.”

The Best Part of Questioning

I spent a lot of years hating, really hating, the fact that I was questioning my sexuality. A lot of that probably has to do with the reason why I was questioning, because I really wanted to feel the things that I was “supposed” to be feeling as a high schooler and college student (read: having crushes, experiencing sexual attraction). But I also just really wanted an answer. I wanted it now and I didn’t want to talk about it until then. A year ago, you could never have convinced me that there was an upside to this process. So if that’s where you are right now, I get that, and I won’t try to convince you otherwise.

But as I’ve grown more comfortable with myself, with other people knowing and finally being ‘out’ for some time now, I’ve realized there is at least one really fun thing about questioning: ambiguity. I just really like playing with the ambiguity and flexibility of it all.

It’s fun to hang out in the LGBT Center and make comments with sexual innuendo towards the same sex. And it’s fun to make similarly risqué ‘straight’ comments in other spaces. I get to go to gay bars and play up the potential that I’m gay/bi/queer, basically trying on that identity, if you will. But I also can easily go out to a place like Shooters and interact with men with the possibility of it meaning something, in a way I couldn’t in an LGBT space. Dancing with men is not limited to ‘straight’ spaces, though. There are few things more fun than playing heterosexual in LGBT spaces. I love dancing with gay men because these experiences are as pressure-free as they come. Dancing with guys at Lav Ball, for example, allows me to play the conventional social role of a woman without worrying about the “what-ifs” of the dance. And even better, there is no need for me to get down on myself when I’m not attracted to my dance partner.

Finding the freedom to explore and play with sexuality and traditional gender roles is just that—freeing. It's not just liberating, though. Pushing the bounds of conventionality and inhabiting this ambiguous space as someone who is questioning is actually quite fun.

Anonymous Posts (10.17.11-10.23.11)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks, hate speech, or express or insinuate that one is at risk for hurting themselves or someone else. Please read this for an explanation of this policy and seek help if your or a friend find yourself in that position. With those exceptions aside, please feel free to submit your thoughts and questions. :)

Wazzzuuuppp, readers!?

I hope a ton of you were able to make it to the faculty/staff student reception on Friday! I was in DC doing research for my thesis and sadly was unable to attend. BUT, while in DC I was able to get to the new MLK Memorial, which was pretty sweet. I was sad to see that my favorite quote did not make the cut ("Our lives [woo! BDU BLOG! ha, jk] begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."), but there was something really special about seeing a ton of five year old Black children running around, smiling, and posing with the statue.

Other noteworthy things: Huffington Post celebrated "Ally Week" this past week, and featured a column by the founder of Athlete Ally. Elsewhere, the founder of Outsports commented on Rick Welts' (newly out, former Phoenix Suns President) hiring.

Even more noteworthy...Anonymous Posts below!

#1
I hate how cynical I have become about possible hate crimes such as the one at the NCSU GLBT-CA Center. The hoax this spring at UNC and this past summer at Iowa are two examples that have made it harder to instantly believe any new event that comes up. What is the best way to show solidarity and support while the facts are not yet known?


#2
In all the discussion following the repeal of DADT, I somehow completely forgot about this article, which I've always found fun: "Why Gays (as a group) are morally superior to Christians (as a group)" by Stanley Hauerwas. It can be found in the Hauerwas reader pg 519-522. Duke readers go here and type "519" in the upper right corner. Non Duke readers you can get part of, or the full essay, here, depending on how merciful Googlebooks feels like being at the time. It's a slightly satirical treatment of the discussion, especially directed against the Conservative Christian groups. It was written in 1993 by Stanley Hauerwas, a renowned theologian who currently teaches at Duke Divinity School. Perhaps it's a bit dated, but it certainly is thought provoking. The first part is probably the most pertinent to general readers of this blog; the second part tends to be of interest to Christians in particular. Anyway, thought I'd throw it out there for those who wanted a bit of a different perspective on DADT, and my personal opinion is that some of the general critiques Hauerwas touches on would be just as pertinent to Prop 8 and the North Carolina referendum coming up.
Shane

#3
A while ago someone wrote a blog post about coming out to god. This post really resonated with me because I am a questioning Christian mainly held back by the fact that God might not approve of homosexuality. The author of the entry seems pretty confidant that gay is ok...and so was I until I read 1 Corinthians 6:9. Now, I want to make it very clear I am not attacking anyone. I would just like to know how one could explain this verse and come to the decision that its ok for Christians to be gay. I just want to know so I can be myself (lately I've been stepping further and further out of the closet but also feel that God may be punishing me for it as my life has been significantly rougher recently) or come to terms with the fact that I might just have to stay single for life.



Please remember that there are a number of resources available on campus and in the local community. These resources are available over breaks and throughout the school year. If you or a friend are experiencing thoughts or urges to harm yourself or somebody else, please reach out to the following resources: In an emergency, please don't hesitate to call CAPS at any time, including "after hours" at (919) 966-3820. Ask to speak to the advice nurse and tell them you are a Duke student. You may also call the Trevor Project, a national hotline specifically for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer and questioning youth (college students included). Their number is 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386).

Anonymous Posts (10.3.11-10.9.11)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks, hate speech, or express or insinuate that one is at risk for hurting themselves or someone else. Please read this for an explanation of this policy and seek help if your or a friend find yourself in that position. With those exceptions aside, please feel free to submit your thoughts and questions. :)

Hey, Community! Happy fall break!! It's a big, but shortened, week here on campus [am I the only one who thinks that the best part of break is not the days of but the subsequent shortened week?]: 1) My mom is visiting! So if you see a woman who looks sort of like me and is just as loud and energetic, be sure to say hi! 2) Our Lives Discussion Group is on Thursday at 6:30...and last but not least 3) COMING OUT DAY IS FRIDAY!! Get ready for rainbows and Love=Love shirts galore on the plaza. [Insider's tip: If you want to be guaranteed your color and size preference, consider volunteering for a one hour shift: 11am-noon, 1-2pm, 2-3pm. Email your name, shift time, t-shirt size (S-XXXL) and color (blue, black. kelly green, red, purple, pink, orange) to comingoutday@gmail.com...You may volunteer for more than one shift, but we can only give one shirt per person].

And now, notes from OC:

#1
I'm questioning and its getting to the point where its really bothering/confusing/upsetting me and I know that I need to talk to someone about it. The problem is I can't bring myself to talk to anyone because I'm embarrassed/ashamed and I feel like if I talk to anyone about it I'll be automatically labeled as gay anyways. How can I overcome this shyness?


Please remember that there are a number of resources available on campus and in the local community. These resources are available over breaks and throughout the school year. If you or a friend are experiencing thoughts or urges to harm yourself or somebody else, please reach out to the following resources: In an emergency, please don't hesitate to call CAPS at any time, including "after hours" at (919) 966-3820. Ask to speak to the advice nurse and tell them you are a Duke student. You may also call the Trevor Project, a national hotline specifically for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer and questioning youth (college students included). Their number is 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386).

Anonymous Posts (9.26.11-10.2.11)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks, hate speech, or express or insinuate that one is at risk for hurting themselves or someone else. Please read this for an explanation of this policy and seek help if your or a friend find yourself in that position. With those exceptions aside, please feel free to submit your thoughts and questions. :)

Hey, yo! It was a great week for us here at the blog. Jacob made it onto Pam's House Blend...which is just, there are no words for that. We welcomed our second 2015 blogger, and our first ever faculty blogger.

This week is going to be a great week in the Community, too! Spectrum is meeting on Tuesday from 6-7pm in the Center. Blue Devils United (you know, the Higher Power behind This Blog) is meeting on Wednesday at 5:30, also at the Center. Followed by a blog meeting (the Actual Higher Powers That Be) on Thursday night, 9pm, location TBA. Not to mention, we have another newbie blogger and our first installation of Throwback Thursdays lined up!

Did anyone see this article from CNN on transgender children? It was pretty good. It is also where I learned that Sonny and Cher's child is an out transman (sorry I'm only years behind of this). Oh, and better yet, the Center has his memoir! But if you'd rather stay staring at your computer, you can read an excerpt from it on Oprah.com. If you're wondering, that is information I just happen to know and is obviously not because I spent an hour reading article after article about LGBTQ issues.

And for those of you who celebrated Rosh Hashannah last week, I sincerely hope it was meaningful and included inordinate amounts of apples dipped in honey.

And now, for notes from Our Community (OC...#ThisWillCatchOn).

#1
Love the new layout! xoxo

#2
I was molested when I was 7 years old. As a result of the assault my sexuality was awakened. I had access to the internet, and spent days “researching” whatever information I could find. I would “experiment” with other children. I wrote stories to help understand the concepts that society said I wasn’t yet ready to deal with. Most of the characters were all girls. The other children I experimented with were always girls. I’ve always been attracted to girls, and I’ve always sort of knew. It was never something I questioned, just something I’d always accepted. It was a part of me. I liked girls. As well as guys, but, you know, that’s a given, right? [/sarcasm.] I never really questioned my identity until I was older. And not whether I was straight or queer, but whether I was bisexual or a lesbian. That little nagging voice in the back of my head started going, “What if…?” What if I didn’t really like boys? What if I only liked girls? Most of my previous attractions had been to girls, so I must be a lesbian. But I’d had crushes on guys as well, so I couldn’t be. This went on for a while, until one day, the thought hit me: what if I’m lying to myself? Because at that point, I’d suddenly remembered that I had been molested when I was 7 years old. It wasn’t something that I had necessarily repressed; I’ve always remembered, I remember every detail of what happened; I just never dwelled on it. Until then. What if I only thought I was a lesbian because I had been molested? What if I was trying to compensate for the violation I felt by doing a one-eighty and going in the complete opposite direction of what I was supposed to? Would that explain my sexual attraction to girls? Would it explain my emotional attraction to boys, but the debilitating anxiety that I felt whenever anything remotely sexual with them occurred? Was that why I had an anxiety attack every time my ex tried to initiate sex, or even touch me in any intimate way? Am I not really attracted to girls? Am I just lying to myself? The possibility that my sexual orientation could be the result of a traumatic childhood experience was devastating for me, and it bothered me for quite a while. It was an identity crisis that I never could have imagined I would have to deal with. For now I tend to just not think about it, so I don’t know how badly I’ve been “damaged” by it. And I don’t want what happened to turn into an excuse, for anything, so I ignore it. For now I’ve accepted that I like people of both the same and opposite gender/gender presentations. That’s just who I am. But even to this day, those doubts still linger in the back of my mind, that irksome voice always asking that elusive “What if…?”

[Editor's Note: Thank you for writing in, #2. If you are looking for in-person support, please see the resources at the bottom of this post or consider making an appointment with the Women's Center's Sheila Broderick, a feminist therapist who specializes in sexual violence. In addition to talking through your concerns with you, Sheila can also help inform you of what your options are when it comes to reporting your assault and seeking academic relief, etc.]

Please remember that there are a number of resources available on campus and in the local community. These resources are available over breaks and throughout the school year. If you or a friend are experiencing thoughts or urges to harm yourself or somebody else, please reach out to the following resources: In an emergency, please don't hesitate to call CAPS at any time, including "after hours" at (919) 966-3820. Ask to speak to the advice nurse and tell them you are a Duke student. You may also call the Trevor Project, a national hotline specifically for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer and questioning youth (college students included). Their number is 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386).

Anonymous Posts (8.30.11-9.5.11)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks, hate speech, or express or insinuate that one is at risk for hurting themselves or someone else. Please read this for an explanation of this policy and seek help if your or a friend find yourself in that position. With those exceptions aside, please feel free to submit your thoughts and questions. :)

Congratulations on making it all the way through FWOC (first week of classes)! I sincerely hope that everyone is feeling settled and finding your way around campus successfully.

Things are starting to get busy around here, so be sure to stay tuned for announcements and lots of regularly updated content!

The first Blue Devils United (the student group that sponsors this blog!) meeting of the semester is on Wednesday at 5:30 in the LGBT Center (02 West Union/right under the loop).

There will be a BDU BlOG Meeting on Thursday at 9, location TBA. WE'RE LOOKING FOR NEW WRITERS OF ALL YEARS! You need not identify as anything other than a member of the LGBTQ and Ally Community.We'll be brainstorming how to make this blog even better, setting up new accounts for new writers and a posting schedule. So come one, come all--email Risa with questions/concerns/etc.

Women Loving Women and Athletes United also meet for the first time of the year this week.
*WLW: Thursday, 6-8pm, LGBT Center.
*Athletes United (varsity athletes only, please!): Sunday (11th), 6-7pm, LGBT Center.

Be sure to check out the first Fab Friday of the year (on Friday, duh). 4-6pm in the Center.

Now for your anonymous posts!

#1
I saw two guys walking and holding hands on campus today (and not as a joke). Things are looking pretty good this year!

#2
Help out a clueless frosh: where's the LGBT-friendly nightlife on campus? I haven't been able to find anywhere where loud music and irresponsible decisions aren't paired with super-straight hookup culture.

#3
For me, high school was a mess my senior year. Fell in love with my best friend, quasi dated her and as most lesbians can tell you...it ended badly. Freshmen year I stayed closeted and in the summer I decided maybe I'm just not gay. I have an emotional attraction to other girls and my attraction to guys varies from physical to nonexistent. The only things keeping me from pursuing other girls are religion and my parents. Both disapprove of homosexuality. I find myself trying to be straight (and failing a lot) while wanting to be gay.But, at the same time I wonder how I could possibly be gay when I don't really want to have sex with other girls. Whenever I'm really excited/happy about something going great in my life I'm always like "see I don't need to be gay I'm happy right now" but other times I find myself wanting to know why it's not ok for me to live how I want. Hell, I've never had a real girlfriend so I don't even know if I am gay. I guess in a nutshell, I want to try dating other girls because I really think I'm gay, but I don't want the punishment from God or the wrath of my parents that would go along with that. I also don't want to hurt anyone or make them feel like I'm using them just to find out if I'm gay. But really, isn't dating another girl the only way to find out?. Basically, I'm questioning, it sucks, and right now the only people I complain to are complete strangers via a computer screen (no offense :])

/>Please remember that there are a number of resources available on campus and in the local community. These resources are available over breaks and throughout the school year. If you or a friend are experiencing thoughts or urges to harm yourself or somebody else, please reach out to the following resources: In an emergency, please don't hesitate to call CAPS at any time, including "after hours" at (919) 966-3820. Ask to speak to the advice nurse and tell them you are a Duke student. You may also call the Trevor Project, a national hotline specifically for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer and questioning youth (college students included). Their number is 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386).

Anonymous Posts (6.7.10-6.13.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Just got back from DC Pride with a bunch of Dukies. Simply epic. Pride is a cathartic and comforting showing of solidarity in a country that seems to want nothing to do with "others." Having said that, I have never felt more pale and out of shape in my life.

Anyhow. I think I've hijacked the blog enough this week, so I'm just going to get to the anonymous posts.

#1

Right now nothing is more difficult than figuring out whether I also like men or whether I'm just trying to distract myself from other issues in my life. It used to come and go in high school, so upon entering college I chalked my feelings up to teenage angst. But these days I'm starting to feel that way regularly and I know I'm much more on top of things than I was as a high schooler. To be frank, I'm completely petrified at the idea of approaching another man, let alone telling close friends or family members. I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn't care what other people think of him, but I know the things some of my friends say and I can't help but wonder whether they'd ever feel like they could act like themselves around me. And why am I even thinking about coming out? I'm not even sure if I'm being honest with myself at this point.

And just like that, Zealots by the Fugees came up on iTunes and I feel better for the time being. Thank you for bearing with my rant. May you all haunt MCs like Mephistopheles. That's a reference to the song I'm listening to, in case I just confused everyone.

#1.5

Follow up to my post (had The Fugees song): Clearly I'm a true hipster. I want people to think I have good taste in music even when I'm anonymous :P

Anonymous Posts(12.21.09–12.27.09)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

Hey all! Hopefully everyone's having an awesome break. I've been spending mine counting down to New Year's Eve with Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper.

We didn't get any anonymous posts two weeks ago (12.14-12.20), mostly because the Dukies were busy catching up on a semester's worth of sleep. But y'all have definitely stepped it up this week! The comments on the last three posts (not to mention the posts themselves) have been equally intriguing and touching. The discourse, empathy and support among friends and strangers alike on this blog is really pretty amazing. Personally, it is consistently reassuring after seeing all of the hate in the news that this Community not only exists, but is strong, and is there for each other.

But anyhow! Here are the posts from this week. As always, these require our responses, so let's get to it :)

#1

Hi so I saw where you posted something about Uganda, so I figured international LGBT issues are just as welcome as American ones. I'm doing my thesis on a group of people in South Asia called the hijras - they can be best thought of as male-to-female transgenders. The NC Consortium for South Asian Studies (the Duke/UNC/NC State organization for South Asian studies) liked my thesis website enough to link it to their blog, so I thought I'd share it with you guys as well.

Happy holidays!

link: http://lisa.cs.duke.edu/~john/finalproject/index.html

-John

[Ed. Note: Thanks, John!]

#2

Hi Everyone,

Recently, I've been asked by JournElism.org/United Press International to write a 5 articles series on an important issue I hold dear to me. I've chosen LGBTQ equality as one and women's issues as a close second. Anyway, I need to identify 5 key players in the realm of LGBTQ issues (it can be anyone) and have to submit an outline/interview questions.

I would really appreciate any feedback/ideas you all have. So far, I've identified Brian Bond, the White House Deputy Director of Public Affairs, Joe Solmonese (President of HRC), Tammy Baldwin, Wanda Sykes, Ellen Degeneres, Bishop Gene Robinson, etc. Clearly women of color are missing, so any suggestions on that would be a plus. Any out LGBTQ persons or allies in policy-making positions would be especially helpful. Also, any questions you might have for such persons would be great!

In the end, I envision the article series to go beyond the popular gay marriage debate and into some concrete issues that not everyone is familiar with. Things like ENDA, housing discrimination, health issues, even LGBTQ youth (how at risk they are), the Bullying Act, etc.

Any help (small or big) would be fully appreciated!!!

Happy Holidays,

Michelle

[Ed. Note: Hopefully we can help! Readers, I know you've got this one.]

#3

I don't really know what it is I want to write. Or what the point of this post is. But, I've been writing this post in my head for a few weeks now and I feel like I should take the leap and type it out and send it in. For years now, I've been "questioning." It wasn't something I thought about every day, but certain situations made me internally confront my sexuality before immediately supressing my thoughts and moving on with my life. I played this game with myself for a while (honestly, I don't really remember when it started...which is saying something). I met with a new psychiatrist recently to address some other issues when I finally broke my silence. That first appointment I avoided my shrink's questions, but for the next few weeks all I could think about was rehearsing what I'd say next time. Despite how easy it all came in my head and how long I've secretly yearned to have someone to talk to about this, during the next session I found myself hyperventilating, sweating, lightheaded and unable to make eye contact; my heart beat was pounding and I had a serious knot in my stomach. I felt sick for the rest of the day. A HUGE ally with a tolerant, liberal family (and friends), I don't know why this is such a struggle for me. And while I used to not think about it often, recently it's the only thing on my mind. Any quiet downtime I have, I'm running through things in my head. Still, I'm more confused than ever by my sexuality. And you'd never know it.

[Ed. Note: I will leave advice and the like to our comments section, but know that you are not the only person that's dealt with this. Far from it. In fact, this reminds me of post #1 from three weeks ago. Just as I told her, I'll say that I think you'll find that a lot of the Readers have gone through a similar process.]

#4

I have always hated being home for breaks, but the past two weeks have been the absolute worst. This semester, I started my first romantic relationship with another woman (though I've known I was queer for much longer) and being back with my family reminds me how close-minded they are. Well, "close-minded" may not be the right word, but "conservative" definitely is.

It's not even the LGBT stuff that gets to me. My sister is looking at colleges and my dad considers racial diversity a negative aspect of a school and she's not allowed to go to a university that is not religiously affiliated. Ever since I've realized that race and gender equality issues are of paramount importance to me, I've felt a growing distance from my family; they see me as formerly perfect, traditional daughter who got brainwashed by her "radical" group of friends at school (I know, Duke is "radical" to them *eyeroll*) and sort of tune me out whenever I try to explain my views.

So this sexuality thing is like the icing on the cake. We almost NEVER bring up sexuality, not even in a general or theoretical way, so telling them that I'm friends with a lot of gay people and that I consider myself queer is not on the radar. And telling them about my girlfriend (whom they've met on many occasions) is simply out of the question.

For a while, I was really depressed about the fact that I couldn't be open with my parents, but now I just feel feel like they don't deserve to know. When they make me feel like my opinions and emotions are valid, I will be honest with them. But for now, I'll walk the awkward line I'm always tip-toeing on at home: maintaining the prized-daughter status I had in high school while trying to get them to accept and understand what is important to me now. I just need to survive until January 12, when I'm surrounded by everyone and everything I love once again.

[Ed. Note: Going home for the break seems to be rough on a lot of the Readers in this respect. Thanks for sharing your story :)]