March 15, 2012

Because I'm Sure We've All Gone Through This

I have such awesome friends at this university. They come from all over the world and have such different life experiences from mine-I can’t say I’ve ever been to Panama or know anything about the Chinese language. I can’t do karate, and I could never hope to be as good a pianist as one of my friends. I like them all, and can’t imagine life without some of them. One in particular is a friend that always seems to wind up doing everything with me. I swear, it’s like we share a brain. We complete each other’s sentences (and know what the other is trying to say with her mouth full), have the same sense of humor, and like pretty much all the same things. We take similar classes, and detest similar stuff. And, it seems that we’re both braver on the internet than we are in real life.

Since it seems I can speak freer through a text or post than I can in real life, I think I’ll get out a secret of mine that has been bugging me for a while now. I’ve had to work up to this point. Well, my mantra is “Do something every day that scares you,” and this is definitely scary for me. Ready? Cue deep breath on my behalf, even though I’m typing this…

I think (I’m not totally sure) that I might (but I don’t know, since I’ve never dated) prefer (well, most of the time I think so) women (though I still think some guys are hot!)

Notice all the contradictions in that sentence? You can see that I’m still figuring this out. It feels like I could swing either way, depending on the hour, but there are some things about relationships in general that I can’t reconcile myself with. It’s…confusing, to say the least.

Contrary to what it might seem like, some of my friends have known about this highly confused side of me for a while now. Three of them, to be precise…and all of them are friends I could trust with the contents of my wallet. But there are some friends I haven’t told…some I haven’t told since I don’t know how they’d react, though a gut feeling tells me it would be a negative reaction. Some I haven’t told for the sake of convenience-they might not get how I feel, and I’m not sure some would even pay attention long enough to get past that sentence sans parenthetical comments. And some others I haven’t told because it’s my personal policy not to trust them with anything since I know I can’t do that.

So, it might come as a surprise that I haven’t told that awesome friend I talked about earlier about any of this. To be honest, I didn’t know what to say to her. Before, we’ve made jokes about being a couple or going on dates, since it seems like that whenever we’re with a group of people going somewhere, we inevitably wind up sitting together or doing the same thing. I have, before, reciprocated with those jokes, since they were sort of funny and completely in the moment. Many of those were also made before I came to this conclusion. And I’m thinking that if she had ANY idea, she’d freak out.

But, I think in some ways, she deserves to know about this. I trust all my other friends-why not her? I know I can depend on her for anything at all, and I’m pretty sure that she wouldn’t think of me differently…well, about 99% sure, but I’ve decided that if she won’t be my friend anymore because of this, she was never my friend to begin with. So I’m going to take my chances by posting the above statements and say this: close friend who completes all of my sentences and has a thing for rage comics, you know who you are. If you’re reading this, consider this me telling you something that I should have told you a long time ago. I’m not entirely sure what it means, but I hope you can help me figure it out.

After all, you do have the other half of my brain.

2 comments:

  1. LOOOOVE! It's awesome that this blog has become not just something to get your thoughts out there but a tool to connect with people. Anyways, thanks for being so brave!!! I just want to tell you that I support you 100% and if you feel comfortable talking, I'd love to.

    Jinzi

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  2. Coming out is difficult, couple that with not having a definite/sure picture of what exactly you're trying to convey and it becomes a trillion times more difficult. I completely understand that because I find that to be my only barrier in coming out to people that I care about (so I essentially just don't come out and allow them to make assumptions, but I'll figure something out eventually).

    I hope your friend read/reads this and everything worked out for the best!

    Also, I second what Jinzi said about your creative use of the blog. Brilliant.

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