Diversity (of Opinion)

Gay. Lesbian. Bisexual. Pansexual. Asexual. Transgender. Queer. Dyke. Butch. Femme. Otter. Cub. Twink. Queer Women of Color. Queer Men of Color. Questioning. Straight-acting. Effeminate. Introvert. Extrovert. Activist. Catholic. Christian. Atheist.

So why did I choose to start this blog post with a block of labels? Well these are all labels that at least one person that I know of in the LGBT community here at Duke identifies with. As you can see, this is a pretty hefty list of labels. We already knew, of course, that the LGBT community was a very diverse community, filled with all sorts of people with all sorts of identities. This diversity is one of our greatest strengths, as it gives a large variety of personalities and life experiences to draw upon. Yet I would also contend that this is one of our greatest weaknesses, if we allow it to be.

Think about it. What ties our community together? We have no common culture, no hereditary history to remember, we can’t even pick each other out of a crowd reliably. The one common thread that we share is our “queerness”, in whatever form that may take. Even this common thread is very slim, which is what I was trying to show by the above block of labels. This in itself is not a bad thing, but it only becomes an issue when we start infighting. I’ve noticed simply from looking at the blog that we as a community have a tendency to argue over a lot of different things. While argument is not an inherently bad thing, it is important for us to maintain an appropriate level of respect for each other.

An example from just yesterday on the blog is Shane’s post. Shane expressed what I believe to be a somewhat unpopular opinion within our Community, his love and commitment to the Catholic Church. In the comments on his post, he got some pretty malignant backlash attacking him personally. Frankly, that is just an unacceptable way of dealing with a difference of opinion. While I personally do not understand how one reconciles their commitment to the Roman Catholic Church and is open about their sexuality, that doesn’t invalidate Shane’s experiences. Personally, I don’t believe in God, and I don’t particularly care for the Catholic Church. Just because I haven’t ever experienced this pull and call of the Church does not in any way make Shane’s experience wrong or stupid. I’ve talked to Shane personally, and I can tell you that he is definitely not stupid.

When we attack each other like this instead of rationally engaging each other for a conversation, all we do is degrade ourselves and take nothing from the experience. What does one gain by being nasty about a rationally presented position? Nothing, except maybe some smug sense of satisfaction. I’m sure that anyone here at Duke knows that isn’t the way to have a real dialogue. We all know what this kind of thing can do. What if someone gets that kind of backlash and decides that the LGBT community is too hostile from them and withdraws? Many of us know how fragile our impressions of the LGBT community are when we first get involved with it. I was lucky to get a good experience with good people, who both accepted me and challenged my views in a respectful way. We can at least try to be that decent to everybody who comes to engage us, can’t we?

In summation, if someone states an opinion to you that prompts an instinctive and passionate response, please try to do your best and think. Most of the time that first response is far more aggressive than is useful. Think about what point you’re trying to really make, and if you are presenting emotionally and aggressively, or calmly and rationally. Especially on electronic forums, read your comment aloud before you post it. Let’s keep this a community that’s open to discussion about all ideas and experiences, shall we?

"Available."

[Author's Note: This was a year of tremendous personal growth for me. I started talking with those closest to me about my sexuality. After 10 months of talking in hushed-tones and strict confidentiality, I am finally writing for the blog about my personal experiences, past and present. Throughout this process, writing has been a really helpful outlet for me. Some things have changed since I wrote this, and other posts that I will publish soon but that I also wrote in the past. Other things have stayed the same. Regardless, the following post speaks directly to how I felt at the time that I wrote it (mid semester, Spring 2011). I will not be modifying my writings to reflect my current state of mind. Rather, I will denote when posts are backdated and will offer more current reflections in other columns. Finally, I wish to thank those who have been my confidantes along the way. There is no way that I could be posting on the BDU Blog about this without our many conversations and your unwavering support.]

I was talking with a good friend who is a little older than me. She was “out” to me, and frequently updated me with the latest in her relationships with other women, though I wasn’t really sure how she identified, specifically: bi, lesbian, queer, something else? So when she told me that she was considering dating some “dudes,” and we’d never discussed her dating men past high school and coming out, it seemed like a situation in which I could comfortably and appropriately ask her about the nuances of her sexual orientation. Her response? “Available.” She didn’t know it at the time, but that one word just made so much sense to me. In fact, if you pressed me today to “choose a label! You have to pick something!,” that’s probably what I’d tell you. I’m available.

What’s it mean to be “available?” I’d say that it’s…

• …sort of like what others conceive of as bisexual, but it expresses the fact that my “sexuality” is more about philosophy and less about sex (read: not really about sex, at all).

• …sort of like being pansexual, which is philosophically and semantically different from people who identify as bisexual and therefore takes care of the part where “my ‘sexuality’ is more about philosophy,” but it doesn’t adequately express the part where my ‘sexuality’ is, paradoxically, not really about sex.

You might also understand it as being…

• …sort of like being hetero- or homo-flexible, without the hetero- or homo- prefixes (see below for an explanation…and see above about the part where my sexuality isn’t really about sex).

I know, now you’re really lost.

So, here’s the philosophy part: I’m not “gender blind,” but you could probably say that I am “gender apathetic.” I just don’t really give a fuck care if you’re a man or a woman or queer or trans or feminine or masculine or what. Basically, as I see it, gender is confining and I don’t want it to limit me when I choose with whom I want to spend the rest of my life. I want to like and fall in love with a person—not a gender.

Sometime ago, an anonymous post (to which I had a very visceral reaction) asked why more out people don’t show their “interested in” on facebook (see #4). I have a lot of thoughts about this and loved the debate that got going in the comment section, but for right now, I’ll say this: I’m not interested in women, interested in men, or interested in men and women, as my facebook options may be. Rather, I’m interested in people. If you’re an amazing person, I want you in my life.

That’s why it’s sort of like being “heteroflexible” or “homoflexible.” In fact, if I still identified as straight, I’d definitely qualify my being straight with also being heteroflexible. Except that I can’t, right now, tell you whether I would choose the word which emphasizes the “hetero” or “homo” part. Which is where the sex part comes in…

The sex part: To determine which prefix to add to the word “flexible,” I’d have to be able to (and willing to?) identify what gender I was primarily attracted to.

I know we were all basically raised under the following two tenets: one being that two plus two equals four and the other being that “we are all sexual beings” (that’s why we have sex ed in the fifth grade, right? “DON’T HAVE SEX NOW. But someday when you’re married, you will, because that’s what people do when they are married.”)

Well, while two plus two will ALWAYS equal four (this is Duke, which means that some smart math major will probably correct me in the comment section, but roll with it, folks) some of us are more sexual than others, and I’ve found that I’m not really attracted to people, almost ever. And there are 101 reasons why this might be my situation (some more personal than others), and it very well may change, but for now, that’s how it is.

Which comes back to the reason that the labels bisexual and pansexual make me uncomfortable. It isn’t out of some internalized bi-phobia, but rather because the emphasis of the words is on sex, and for better or for worse (I’m, unfortunately, often convinced that it’s for worse), that just isn’t my experience.

Perhaps asexual is the correct way to express where I’m at? But, I’m not really convinced that that sums it up, either. For one, I’ve had crushes before—just not recently (read: a long time). And, I (albeit very rarely) have fleeting moments of feelings for people. Finally, it’s not something I’m super comfortable with.

During the moment when my friend identified as available, she made it sound so simple. The fact that we talked for two hours more, though, confirmed for me what I already knew from my own personal experiences: getting to where we both are today is a long, uncomfortable, and really personal journey with approximately 12318023 barriers along the way.

Brothers and Sisters, Part 2

In collaboration with Ebony Way, we have decided to tag team these posts. We hope this is an effective medium and method to discuss a common topic of interest between writers. While Ebony Way discusses her influence with her little brother in her post, I will discuss my older sister's influence on me.

My sister is four years older than me, so between middle school, high school, and college, we've never been at the same school together. Which is perhaps a good thing, because she was able to tell me things I would need to know.

My sister and I never had a strong relationship. I mean, we are brother and sister, I do not think we are meant to have a good relationship. Then again, we were always busy, so most of our talks were fighting for something, in the interest of time.

Oh, did I mention that my sister is gay? 'Cause that's important to know. I always joke about how some chromosomes just didn't split correctly over the four years, but it happened, regardless.

We have never talked about our lives with each other. While I often feel that never cementing a strong relationship with my sister has not been a huge issue, I feel that never talking to her about being gay and vice versa has been an issue. I know that I can learn so much from her, yet I have not taken the time. I never even personally told her that I am gay.

However, I'm okay with that.

I've never had an easy time telling people that I'm gay. I find that I'd rather let people figure it out for themselves, or even ask. I refer back to labels, and my disgust for labels. I do not like being branded with labels. Whether it is gay, smart Asian, nerd, geek, or any other label, I despise these labels. People are more than words can describe, but often people generalize for every label, and gay is absolutely no exception to the rule. For one, I don't think it is necessary to immediately let people know that I am gay. My straight friends didn't introduce themselves to me as straight, so why should I introduce myself as gay to them? Also, I'm not a different person because I am gay. I am still me, but it just so happens that I'm gay; it really is not that big of a deal. It is analogous to how my roommate folds his pizza before eating it, or how my friend says her a's different; it is not a big deal, it just makes us unique. I would continue to elaborate, but I am afraid I've already taken my tangent too far.

My sister is the athlete in the family. She does crew, she plays soccer, softball, flag football, and pretty much most intramural sports that her college offers. I never had this athletic talent, and I envy her for that (although I am a quidditch player, so I guess there is some athleticism in me). I've always looked up to her as a role model for succeeding in college and life, and I hope that I can only succeed as well as she has.

I also look up to her as one of my LGBT models. Her girlfriend and her have been together for many years, and I only hope that I can emulate that sometime in my future. I know she doesn't read this, but if she does, I do love you very much, and I can't thank you enough for being a role model for me, even though I barely see you.

Who I Am (and Who Are You?)

I received my first assignment to write for the blog, and I had a difficult time trying to think about what to write. I started to think about current events, pop culture, and the like, but nothing seemed to click. So I figured I ought to introduce myself, and go from there.

My name is Cameron Kim. I am a first-year from Florida, and I am studying to be a biomedical engineer with a double major in mathematics, and perhaps an IGSP certificate. Clearly, I am a little insane for wanting to complete all of those requirements in four years, but I think I can do it. I am a nerd, and I am quite proud of that. As a matter of fact, as I write this post, I am working with friends on a math competition test. I am the quidditch referee (I'm sure you've seen me out there). But most importantly, I am an introvert.

When I first came to Duke, I feared being an introvert, let alone a gay introvert. College always seemed to be a place where you had to party, get drunk, and be friends with everybody, but I don't do the party scene and do not plan to change that, and I am perfectly okay with that. I was not completely out in high school, but because I was so worried about fitting in, I was not sure whether I had to be completely out or completely closeted. I decided to go with the completely closeted. But I was not happy because I felt like I was not being myself, but being out is not even who I am.

This post, is for the LGBT-identified introverts and/or closeted friends who feel the way I do. I have been an anonymous poster, just like many of you have been. You are not alone in how you feel.

Even though I am posting on this blog, I still feel as though I am closeted. I do not openly tell people I'm gay unless they ask. I still see myself trying to conform to heteronormative standards because that just feels "right." But even though I acknowledge these behaviors, I am proud of who I am.

And if the rest of the post seems to be rambling words of nonsense, just read this part: Be proud of who you are.

Who are you? What do you like? Have you thought about that recently? I think college is a great place to sit down and define you as an individual. Sure, there are ethnic groups and other groups that you may identify with, but sit down and figure out who you are. Labels don't define you; others don't define you. You define you.

Womyn Wednesday!

[WOMYN magazine is excited to announce that we will be featuring polls from our community in the magazine! We want to hear what you have to say about LGBTQ issues, queer women and Duke! The general goal of WOMYN magazine is to increase the visibility of queer women on this campus.]

Thank you to everyone who participated in last week's poll. The responses were great, and if you haven't voted yet you still can.

We would also like to announce that we are now accepting submissions from alumni in the magazine! After talking with some past queer female alumni from Duke, we think that including alumni voices would bring a really great perspective to the magazine, and it would also serve as a great resource for current Duke students. We're really excited about connecting with our greater LGBTQ Duke community, so be sure to let your graduated friends know they can submit!

(Thanks to Tina Siadak, Summer Puente and Chantel Liggett for collectively coming up with the ideas in this poll. Go team!)

This week's WOMYN poll is:

"Which of these images comes to mind when you hear the term 'queer woman'?"

Click here to vote in this week's WOMYN poll.

Note: the responses are images for this week-you may select more than one option. Also, please note that by including a photo here, we are in no way making a statement about the photographed individual's sexuality.

Image 1, 2 (right) and 3 (bottom)

This week we want to hear your ideas on the stereotypes of queer women and how LGBTQ-identified women are perceived. This poll is meant to spark discussion. Can anybody ever "look queer"? Can the girl making out with a boy identify as queer? Could a softball player be queer? Is the woman with short hair wearing the sweater vest queer? Maybe the woman wearing a sari is queer? Or could it be the girl in the Hollister ad with a man? What does being queer mean?

Image 4, 5 (right) and 6 (bottom)

Why is it that we might associate one image with queer, but not another? Is this a misunderstanding of what it means to be LGBTQ? Let us know what you think by voting, and feel free to respond in the comments section as well if you are comfortable being quoted in the magazine. (Please provide your name and Duke affiliation as well, ex. "Jane Doe, Trinity '11).

Image 7, 8 (right) and 9 (bottom)

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Want to see the results of this week's poll? Pick up a copy of the WOMYN magazine in late Fall when it hits the newsstands!

Have an idea for next week's poll? Let us know, or email us to guest write it!

Want to submit to WOMYN magazine? Click here to look at some ideas of what to submit. (The submission deadline is September 15th.) Check out our website for more information on how to submit, and feel free to email us with any questions you might have: womynatduke@gmail.com.