The Introvert Who Wanted To Be An Extrovert

Happy New Year everybody! I hope that you have had a wonderful break and whether you like it or not, I hope you’re ready for another semester! I’ve had a pretty boring break, but I’ve been hard at work on an important Quidditch project for the IQA, so it has kept me busy. Also, if there are any Class of 2016ers who are reading the blog, welcome to the Duke family! We’re awaiting your arrival here in a short eight months (or four if you visit for Blue Devil Days).

If you have read my posts in the past, you know that I have often made known that I am an introvert (Actually, I’ve been pretty vocal about it, which has some ironic undertones).  By saying that I am an introvert is in no way to undermine being an extrovert, but rather I want to make it well known that I identify as an introvert and I wouldn’t want to be mistaken otherwise. I’ve had to “come out” as an introvert a few times this past year since some people did not believe me.  Needless to say, it can be very exhausting and disheartening when people don’t believe me, but alas, it’s the truth. It’s a shame that I’m often just assumed to be an extrovert, and on at least one occasion, I was pretty much assumed to be an extrovert because I am gay. This is also a serious case of stereotyping, but I reserve this argument for a later time.

I have made the argument in the past that the LGBTQ community is meant for extroverts. Bars, clubs, pride parades and other socials events provide evidence for my claim, with very little evidence for introvert-guided activities, at least that I’ve noticed in college. As an introvert, I have a difficult time immersing myself into a crowd of extroverts with the intention of meeting somebody. Being an introvert is not a temporary state or mood; it is a trait of personality, and by no means does it imply that I’m enjoying being single. Yet when the majority of the LGBT individuals I meet are highly outgoing and extroverted, I lose hope every day of finding another introvert. I have tried very hard to lean into discomfort and go to some events to meet people that made me feel very uncomfortable, but every time I do so, I feel like I’m being judged. I feel like people are fully aware of my social awkwardness and I beat myself up every time because of my looks and because I’m socially awkward, when in reality it is my introversion that holds me back from talking to new people at such events.  The issues with my appearance deal with the lack of self-confidence I have in such situations because extroverts tend to exude confidence more, which is quite the downer for me.

I know that I’m probably preaching to the choir here, but I write this to make a point. And it’s a very simple point. A point that makes me very angry and upset at the very thought of it.

I wish I were an extrovert.

I have been struggling with this for a long time, since being extroverted is inherently not me. It’s a shame that I’m essentially trying to deny a very important part of my personality, but when I feel that I am repeatedly told by the gay community that introverts are “wrong,” I cannot help but feel this way.  If I were an extrovert, I would be able to talk to guys with some social acuity. I would actually be able to talk to somebody on Facebook as opposed to opening a guy’s chat window (who is typically an extrovert), typing out various greetings, and then erasing them for fear of being perceived as a stalker or a creep.  I would actually get to experience rejection from somebody else as opposed to experiencing self-rejection.  And who knows? Maybe I would have a little better self-esteem and self-confidence.

Recently on the blog, there have been many posts on identity, insecurity, and questioning. I write my post to provide a different perspective on my own form of identity and insecurities attached to personality within the LGBTQ community. I am very proud of being an introvert, and in my daily activities, my introversion has been a blessing. But in the social realm, I’ve found it to be a curse. I am frequently misunderstood, and while I often place the social barriers on myself, I have to put on my “extroverted” mask in order to go out in public, especially to events with lots of gay guys so that I don’t come off as weird. Yet this act causes me to lose a large portion of my identity. It’s as if I’m living two lives to please everybody, except myself.

If anybody has any other perspective or advice to offer, I greatly appreciate it, not only for me, but others who can empathize with this post. Please know that you are not alone, and even though it may seem daunting, being yourself is truly the only way to be happy. 

“Does he bat for the other team?”

“Does he/she bat for the other team?”

“Does he/she bat for both teams?”

What is this other team? Are we trying to beat them? Are they trying to defeat us? What bases are they on? Who’s on first? What’s on second?

“Batting for the other team” is a euphemism for being homosexual (or bisexual when used with “both teams.”) I bring it up because, barring whatever sampling biases I may have, this is an expression I’ve heard quite a bit. And as far as language clues go, I think this one is very telling of an underlying discomfort that some of our society has with discussing LGBT issues.


Granted, there may be a good intention to be politically correct when saying “batting for the other team” rather than going for the numerous pejoratives out there. However, the expression is inherently offensive because it implies that homosexuals are on another team, that is, they are the enemy. But it’s fairly self-evident that the LGBT community is not a group of rebels bent on destroying society (okay, maybe some are). Being homosexual or otherwise is not something that is meant to undermine anybody else’s rights. A handful of us also want equal legal protections such as the right to marry, but such changes would not infringe upon the rights of others. However, the use of this expression carries with it a slight division between homosexuals and the rest of society. I would argue it has the same connotation as “in-laws.” Family, but never friends.

In this day and age, a basic understanding of some of the terminology relevant to LGBT community removes the need for using a derogatory expression like “batting for the other team.” I guess I’m addressing this post to those of you out there who are not the massive bigots, but rather, the rational-minded people out there who may not know completely how they feel about LGBT issues. I remember too when I was a bit uncomfortable about talking about it, but if you’re someone who does not think homosexuality hurts our society, then you should think again. The usage of “batting for the other team” underhandedly feeds the us vs. them mentality against the LGBT community. I’m not necessarily arguing that we should bleep out this expression or demonize it as the next f-word. Rather, I’m saying that it’s a part of our vocabulary that we no longer need when more than ever before, we have the chance to move forward and talk about these topics openly and rationally because there ought not be fear or shame, only understanding.

Besides, only physics problems use baseball, the most incomprehensible sport, to get a point across.

Throwback Thursdays: Winter Break Reflections

[Editor's Note: Hey Readers! Welcome to the third installation of "Throwback Thursdays." Every first Thursday of the month we'll feature a post from the BDU Blog, Version 1.0. Sorry for missing December...it happened to be World Aids Day and we decided to go with that, instead. But we're back now, with another reflection on going/being home. Lest we think that we're the first ones to ever experience the anxiety of switching locations, going from out of the closet to in the closet, or coming out now that we're back home, this post demonstrates to us that people have experienced this for eternity. Or, at least, since 2008 (and likely before). If you're in a difficult place over break and need support, please don't hesitate to reach out to the resources listed on Anonymous Posts.]

December 19, 2008

Coming home for winter break isn't what I thought it'd be.

I’ve been at home for a couple of days now since the semester is over. Finals week was surprisingly fun and eventful – it’s interesting how the simultaneous procrastination of college students whose rooms are near each other’s turns them into friends. Someone should write a paper on that.

So back to home. It’s weird being back with family and in the town where I grew up after being out out at Duke for a semester. First, I can tell you that it’s really boring here because none of my high school friends are back yet - Northeastern schools get out after Duke. But it’s also boring because none of my Duke friends are across the hall, a phone call away from meeting me at the Great Hall, or lounging at the Center. I don’t have anyone to talk to here, and it’s more than boring; it’s slightly depressing.

All the conversations that I would usually have at Duke are no-go’s over here. I haven’t – or maybe won’t is the more honest word – come out to my family yet, and like I said before, my friends aren’t physically here. I can’t talk about that person that I saw at the bus stop or at the library, about what someone said or did, or about how my life is ruined because of what someone said or did. (That last one was for you, someone)

In addition to that, I feel cut off from the new friends, specifically the LGBT ones, that I made this semester. We became friends surprisingly fast despite my tendency to embarrassingly choke on water and my fear of talking in large groups. That just goes to show how easily people with similar experiences and backgrounds can bond. I miss the quirky mannerisms that only come out when we’re together, incompatible food preferences, and somewhat constant nonchalant discussion of the subjects the FCC and Duke administration would not approve of.

So what I guess I’m really trying to say in overly high-flown rhetoric and Family Guy-style references is that I really appreciated being at Duke this semester; it was both socially and personally liberating. I’ve never experienced that before and – I know this will sound cheesy but if you know me, you’ll know that I’m a cheesy kind of guy - I’ve only realized what I had at Duke and how good it was after it’s gone (or while I’m on winter break).

Taking A Step Back

I’m going to stop identifying as gay for a while. No, this does not mean I am straight. It doesn’t mean I’m bisexual, and it certainly doesn’t mean that I am NOT gay. What it does mean is that I am unsure of a lot of things in my life right now, and am questioning my sexuality. This also does not mean that I am going to stop going to the LGBT center, or delight in having life changing conversations about sexuality and all the ramifications thereof with Megan in the hallway between our rooms. It does not mean that I will fight any less hard for the LGBT rights and it does not mean that I will not go to the ballot box and vote down amendment one. It DOES mean that, for me, right now, identifying as gay man gives me more pain than happiness in my life. I am 100% secure in my male gender identity, and everything else by which I identify. In fact, the only identity about which I am insecure is my sexual identity.

There is so much that gives me joy in life right now. I love my friends, my family, going to basketball games, the band, hanging out with Round Table, etc. I am so excited to start my classes for second semester, so thrilled to learn more about engineering and get back into the Perkins grind. The only real source of anguish in my life right now is in my sexuality. I have yet to have any type of meaningful, loving romantic relationship with a man or a woman, and this lack of experience only heightens my insecurity. I am aware of the pettiness of this statement, but the lack of romantic love in my life hinders my ability to embrace all the love that is around me. This may not make sense to every reader, but in identifying as gay, I feel an inherent pressure to find a partner, a boyfriend, a lover. Because I have so many issues with my own sexuality identity at the moment, engaging in one of the aforementioned relationships wouldn’t be fair for my future partner, and wouldn’t be healthy for me. I have a lot to figure out before I am ready to accept romantic love into my life. And while I figure all of that out, I am going to stop identifying as gay so that I do not feel the pressure to find a partner, and so that I can fully embrace the love of my friends and family.

Now, I know that not identifying as gay might hinder the movement towards LGBT equality. Having one less member of the community who is secure and actively fighting for Our rights might hinder progress. I may be the only LGBT identified individual that any number of my friends know, and by no longer identifying as gay, I am severing any ties that these friends have to the LGBT community. I am aware that not identifying as gay is inherently selfish, which is why I intend to get my identity sorted out with haste. By taking this (hopefully) shortened leave, I can come back a healthier and stronger member of the community. I give a lot of myself to a lot of different people and different groups and communities, and this is going to be the first holistically selfish thing I have done in a while. For that I hope you readers can forgive me.

I don't want this to sound like I am throwing myself a pity party. I am consciously thankful for all of the blessings and people I have in my life. I am simply trying to step back, get some perspective, and resolve an issue in my life that is causing me pain. My purpose in sharing this with you all is to convey that someone like me, who has been out for a while, still can have questions about his sexuality. I hope that knowing you are not alone in your process of questioning gives you some sort of comfort.

Fear

As I believe I've previously mentioned I was in the closet throughout my collegiate career because I felt I had to be in order to get the references I needed to move on with my life (i.e. seminary). Initially I was okay not talking about it, but as time passed I became increasingly frustrated that I had to talk out of the side of my mouth for the sake of self-preservation within a community that claimed to want to discuss the “big issues” of our day - although only if you played for team hetero.

Don’t get me wrong - I love and respect many people from that time, but unfortunately the bitterness of loneliness colors the way I remember my last four years.

I've gone through plenty of unfortunate events in my life, however coming out and wrestling with that by myself stands as an exceptionally painful moment.

Several weeks ago I was talking about Things and Feelings at lunch in the Duke Divinity lounge. The woman I was conversing with had just been “evangelized to” outside of the Brian Center, and apparently in this exchange the person trying to recruit her to Team Jesus asked what she thought about Teh Gays.

I took this opportunity to mention my own gay-ness and how exhausting it had been to be semi-honest and fearful, an experience which motivated me to choose Duke. I praised Duke Div's ability to be orthodox and inclusive (although I don't really know how the two can ever be divorced), and I expressed my gratefulness for a community of people who I felt safe to be myself around.

Although I'm sure it appears otherwise from my posts on BDU, I actually don't (explicitly, at least) inject my sexuality into everything I do. I can and do talk about other things quite regularly. I have a variety of interests, and ladies are just one of them.

_{Y’know? Y’know?}

(However I suppose my faux hawk makes everything I do implicitly gay...)

I don’t need to talk about My People and Their Rights all the time. I know gay people who do that and it’s like. Get a hobby please.

That being said, though, I want to feel safe being honest in the event that gay-related things do come up. Sexuality came up on the regular in college and I couldn’t actually contribute my view(s) because it would have been incriminating and destructive to the world I had so carefully constructed. Feeling obligated to be less-than-honest for the sake of everyone else's comfort (and to ensure my academic reputation) was painful, to say the least.

In this Christmas season, when Jesus came into the world in all kinds of compromising and socially unacceptable/unexpected ways, I am infinitely thankful to be a part of a people who, even if they don't agree with me, don't dismiss me automatically for loving who I love and being who I am. I am thankful I don't need to cloak the "real me" for the sake of academic preservation, and furthermore for the opportunity to talk about my Things and Feelings on the BDU blog.

Anonymous Posts (12.26.11-1.2.12)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks, hate speech, or express or insinuate that one is at risk for hurting themselves or someone else. Please read this for an explanation of this policy and seek help if your or a friend find yourself in that position. With those exceptions aside, please feel free to submit your thoughts and questions. :)

Welcome to the first installation of anonymous posts in 2012! And, um, forget 2011...can anyone tell me where winter break has gone? No, really.

This week went especially quickly, so quickly that if you didn't have a chance to read last week's posts, now's your chance! John wrote allegorically about his role in the community; Megan opened up about some personal experiences to defend WLW, Pruitt recalls a conversation he had with his ex-boyfriend about love and sexuality, and Denzell finished the year with a post sorting through his identity as Black gay man, or perhaps as a gay Black man.

Now we're here, in 2012, and starting to call for SENIOR posts. Yeah, that's right. We graduate this year, folks! So get to your keyboard and let us know what Duke, this Community, your LGBTQA identity, etc, has meant to you. Email them to bluedevilsunited@gmail.com!

I hope that everybody has a wonderful winter break, but here at the Blue Devils United Blog we know that that isn't always the case. There can be a lot of anxieties about going home, which may mean going back in the closet or coming out to family and friends or any number of things. Please reach out to the resources at the bottom if you find yourself in a position where you need support. We're a community and we're here to support each other, so keep checking the blog for new content and be sure to keep up with each other, as well.

Now, notes from OC!

#1
THIS. THIS THIS THIS

#2
Russia's Gay Revolution, As Seen by An American Abroad

#3
I really do not understand the argument "hate the sin, love the sinner." In all seriousness, what is there to hate about someone who, for all practical purposes, lives an admirable life, but is gay? Does the Christian/whatever else God (full disclosure, I was religious and am now atheist) really just hate the action of a man or woman kissing another of the same sex? Is it that bad?! If so, I think that this God is then a pretty damn judgmental one at best. I'm so frustrated with the whole argument that "God doesn't hate gays, he hates the gay lifestyle." Seriously? What about my life style is there to loathe so badly? I think I lead a pretty sensible life.. what's so bad about me? Oh, it must be that I like men? It seems then that my love delegitimizes my entire life. Hmm..

Please remember that there are a number of resources available on campus and in the local community. These resources are available over breaks and throughout the school year. If you or a friend are experiencing thoughts or urges to harm yourself or somebody else, please reach out to the following resources: In an emergency, please don't hesitate to call CAPS at any time, including "after hours" at (919) 966-3820. Ask to speak to the advice nurse and tell them you are a Duke student. You may also call the Trevor Project, a national hotline specifically for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer and questioning youth (college students included). Their number is 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386).