Taking A Step Back

I’m going to stop identifying as gay for a while. No, this does not mean I am straight. It doesn’t mean I’m bisexual, and it certainly doesn’t mean that I am NOT gay. What it does mean is that I am unsure of a lot of things in my life right now, and am questioning my sexuality. This also does not mean that I am going to stop going to the LGBT center, or delight in having life changing conversations about sexuality and all the ramifications thereof with Megan in the hallway between our rooms. It does not mean that I will fight any less hard for the LGBT rights and it does not mean that I will not go to the ballot box and vote down amendment one. It DOES mean that, for me, right now, identifying as gay man gives me more pain than happiness in my life. I am 100% secure in my male gender identity, and everything else by which I identify. In fact, the only identity about which I am insecure is my sexual identity.

There is so much that gives me joy in life right now. I love my friends, my family, going to basketball games, the band, hanging out with Round Table, etc. I am so excited to start my classes for second semester, so thrilled to learn more about engineering and get back into the Perkins grind. The only real source of anguish in my life right now is in my sexuality. I have yet to have any type of meaningful, loving romantic relationship with a man or a woman, and this lack of experience only heightens my insecurity. I am aware of the pettiness of this statement, but the lack of romantic love in my life hinders my ability to embrace all the love that is around me. This may not make sense to every reader, but in identifying as gay, I feel an inherent pressure to find a partner, a boyfriend, a lover. Because I have so many issues with my own sexuality identity at the moment, engaging in one of the aforementioned relationships wouldn’t be fair for my future partner, and wouldn’t be healthy for me. I have a lot to figure out before I am ready to accept romantic love into my life. And while I figure all of that out, I am going to stop identifying as gay so that I do not feel the pressure to find a partner, and so that I can fully embrace the love of my friends and family.

Now, I know that not identifying as gay might hinder the movement towards LGBT equality. Having one less member of the community who is secure and actively fighting for Our rights might hinder progress. I may be the only LGBT identified individual that any number of my friends know, and by no longer identifying as gay, I am severing any ties that these friends have to the LGBT community. I am aware that not identifying as gay is inherently selfish, which is why I intend to get my identity sorted out with haste. By taking this (hopefully) shortened leave, I can come back a healthier and stronger member of the community. I give a lot of myself to a lot of different people and different groups and communities, and this is going to be the first holistically selfish thing I have done in a while. For that I hope you readers can forgive me.

I don't want this to sound like I am throwing myself a pity party. I am consciously thankful for all of the blessings and people I have in my life. I am simply trying to step back, get some perspective, and resolve an issue in my life that is causing me pain. My purpose in sharing this with you all is to convey that someone like me, who has been out for a while, still can have questions about his sexuality. I hope that knowing you are not alone in your process of questioning gives you some sort of comfort.

Utah's Perfect Little Ally

So, Thanksgiving was pretty great. You don't hear this enough in the LGBT community, but I love my family so much. Yes, like all families, there was a bit of discomfort around the time of my coming out, but we've moved passed that. Whenever I'm home, I know I am around people who love and accept me for who I am. It is a rare occasion that people see pure, unadulterated Dan. But he rears his head quite often when I'm around my family. This is meant to be a short, uplifting post to help Us get through finals, and it goes out to my sister, Maddie.

Just a bit of background. When I came out to my Mom, I was an emotional wreck, and wasn't exactly quiet about it. Maddie overheard me telling my Mom some pretty earth shattering news. About 30 minutes later, I see a note slipped under my door:

"Dan. I heard what you told Mom. I'm totally ok with it. I still love you no matter what."

-Maddie

How adorable is that? She's pretty much the Greatest.

Do ya'll remember taking those required "comp-tech" classes in middle school? You know, the ones where they sit 30 kids down in a computer lab and try to teach kids about the Interwebz, when really all they are doing is trying to hack your site blocker and get onto addictinggames or facebook? Yeah, well Maddie is in one right now. One of their assignments was to make personal blogs. They were required to list some of the blogs with which they kept up and about 8 of her friends listed the BDU blog as their favorite. Yeah, thats right. Not only does Maddie (and my entire family for that matter, thanks Mom) read the blog, but her friends have started to read it too.

I brought her home a Love=Love shirt for a Thanksgiving present. Her eyes were beaming when I showed it to her. I could tell she couldn't wait to wear it around, not only repping Duke but repping LGBT equality. I also found out over break that Maddie has become a confidant to one of her LGBT identified friends, and I could not be prouder. My sister is pretty great.

I hope that the Duke loss and finals aren't keeping ya'll down. Put your heads down, #occupy Perkins, and power through. We're almost there.

Something Greater Than Yourself

[Author’s Note: I’ll try to keep the profundity of this to a minimum]

So, yeah. Coach K is pretty great. You know, 903, history making, the works. I’ll be there for 904 tonight (as well as at the women’s game at noon. Seriously though, ya’ll should check out our women’s team this year. Like, the men’s team is good and all, but our women kick ass WITHOUT taking names. We’re winning the whole damn thing this year, NCAA 2012 champs, calling it right now, so sue me. DWB for life!). This year, in the pump up video before every men’s basketball game in Cameron, a quote from Coach K comes up:

“The greatest pride of all comes from being a part of something you could not have done on your own” -Coach K

Our athletic teams are all playing for something greater than themselves, they play for each other, they play for Duke (you can make the argument that the Men’s basketball team plays more for Coach K and less for Duke, but that is neither here nor there).

Think for a second about religious places of worship (the Sistine Chapel, Masjid al-Haram, even the Duke Chapel). In which religious text does God (god? gods? Gods?) say to Us, “Hey, so like, could you guys build me a massive church? Kthx.” (Hint: none). For me, and for a lot of religious people I know, when you go to a service, you don’t consciously think of the building in which the service is held. You focus on the community, and on your faith. But subconsciously, the enormity of these structures reminds worshipers of just how insignificant they are compared to their community of faith. This may not be the case for all church-goers, but whenever I went (go?) to church, I was always reminded that there are things far more important and larger than I am.

When you look at the night sky at Duke, you don’t see much. Thanks, light pollution, you’re the best. But every once and a while, when I’m feeling less-than-stellar (which, I am displeased to report, has been happening a lot recently) I hop in my car and drive. I get away, far enough away so that I can see the night sky and all of its unbridled beauty. I park, and just gaze into the cosmos, and it reminds me of just how small I am. There is so much else out there; there are things much, much greater than I am. This isn’t nihilistic, it’s refreshing.

My first year at Duke, I was so excited to have a community. I came from a place that had nothing LGBT related, and I did everything I could to get as involved as possible. It was, to an extent, a little toxic. I didn’t allow myself to branch out and explore the other parts of me, of which there are plenty.

This semester, I have ventured onto the other side of the toxicity spectrum. I removed myself almost entirely from the center, and from most of my friends who identify as LGBT. There is some blame to be put on the marching band and vast amount of my time that I give to it for football season. But I could have made time to embrace the LBGT community, so my expulsion thereof was conscious and voluntary. After some self analysis, and a few meetings with Janie, I gathered that a good portion of the problems I’ve been facing this semester come from the relegation of importance I've given to the LGBT side of my identity.

I began to reincorporate myself into the center, and reassessed the value of community. I realize that, for me, much akin to religious buildings or stargazing, involvement within the LGBT community gives me perspective. Going to the center enlightens me, and makes me realize that the issues I am facing I am not facing alone. The collective sum of all Our struggles is more important than anything I can undertake in solitude.

Now, I realize that the center is not for everyone. I also fully acknowledge that my reincorporation won’t solve all (most?) of my problems, but it certainly helps. It’s almost always nice to gain perspective, and involvement in the LGBT community allows me to do that. I’m sure reintegration into the center isn’t what Coach K meant in his speech, but it sure has re-instilled into me a sense of pride and (I’m very pleased to report) quite a bit of Joy.

Also, seriously, support the women’s basketball team. Cameron, 12 Noon, be there. They’re freaking great.

My Boring Life

My mother (how I do love her so), recently told me in a text that she enjoyed my roommate's post, and was wondering if I was going to post at all this year. I told her, "Meh, my life really isn't interesting enough to warrant a blog post." To which she responded, verbatim, "how about the joy of having a boring life!...How many closeted kids out there do you think would love to have a "boring" life?" So, I'm going to take a departure from the usual heart wrenching stories posted on this blog (which are some of the most amazing stories I have ever read. If you're new to the blog, seriously, take a look through the archives. "Our Lives" >> Math 103 homework). I know the prospect of coming out and discovering who you are can be quite daunting. I remember thinking that coming out would shake my world as I knew it, and that I would never be able to lead a "normal" life. I hope to prove to you that some of Our Lives, the lives of out men and women at Duke, are quite...average.

Weekdays are pretty much all the same. I wake up at about 9 every morning. Eat breakfast on the way to class. Sit through class. etc, etc. We're all Duke students, we all know what the average weekday grind is.

Weekends are also pretty normal. Most Saturdays are currently taken up by band. I usually spend one night a week hanging with the same old people (either Round Table or band friends). Sundays are usually spend in Perkins, catching up on the work that I should have done earlier in the week.

President Broadhead sent us (the sophomore class, I'm not sure if Juniors or Seniors got it) an email at the beginning of the year telling us to break our molds and try something new. But, to be entirely honest, I love my mold. Call me boring if you want, but nothing brings me more joy than going through my routine.

I am single and content in being so. This is a post for another time, but because my sexuality is very low on the list of identities and labels with which I align, I delight in all of the other "boring" aspects of my life. In fact, the "gayest" thing about me right now is the flag outside my window, but that isn't even for me. That is for You. So that You can hopefully feel comfortable on this campus. I fly that flag with the hopes that You can, like me, find a mold in which You feel comfortable. And I certainly hope You know that You can be openly LGBT identified individual and still lead a perfectly normal, "boring" life.

Airport Attire

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while (read: the most uninteresting man in the world). I figured I’d post something relevant and something that I thoroughly enjoy doing. Traveling. I have spent a decent amount of time in an airport during my long trek to and from Utah for my brief vacation from Duke. One thing has changed about the way I travel since coming to Duke. I always wear my Love = Love shirt when flying.

Now, I’m not sure if it’s actually doing anything in terms of swaying public opinion about LGBT identified people. Most of the people I see spend as much time looking at me as I do them (about a half a second to make sure we don’t run into each other as I sprint from one terminal to another). But when I actually get to my terminal and realize that I have nothing to do but sit and wait for 30 minutes, or when someone is awkwardly standing over my seat waiting for everyone loading the plane to move back, the second, third, and usually fourth glance are pretty obvious. In fact, as I am writing this in the Detroit airport, every time I look up to check the gate status, I meet eyes with the portly man across from me and he quickly averts his gaze.

If people are judging me for wearing this shirt, it’s almost a good thing. Just my presence is making them think about LGBT issues. Whether or not this portly man was supportive, at least I was making him think. I’d imagine that most people who are unsupportive of LGBT rights think that all gays are flag waving, parade marching, gaga loving queens. Frankly these aforementioned queens are the most fun people in the world and I feel bad for anyone who doesn’t know one, but I digress. By wearing the shirt, I hope I am somehow showing that there are gays (the majority, in fact) who don’t fit the stereotype. I wasn’t causing a stir, I was just sitting there, in blue jeans and running shoes, listening to an iPod, just patiently waiting (the fact that I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack is irrelevant).

Here’s a funny little aside. While in the Detroit airport, I went to McDonalds. I walk up to the lady at the cash register and order, and she says, “I like your shirt.” I am so incredibly touched, and graciously thank her for being supportive. And then she goes and crushes all my hopes and dreams and says, “It means like man and woman only equals love, right?” #facepalm. No. No it does not. So I tell her she should look at it again. Upon second inspection she says, “Oh, never mind. Next.”

So yeah. There’s that. I hope ya’ll are enjoying your summer.

What Happened This Weekend

I'll keep this short. In case you have been living under a rock over the past week, both the Duke mens and Duke womens basketball teams beat the University of North Carolina this weekend and last weekend respectively to win the ACC championship. If you are a Tar Hole and read this blog, sorry, but ya'll got CRUSHED! The purpose of this post isn't to gloat about our win, but to pose a question to you readers.

As with most sporting events, fans frequently use homophobic slurs to describe fouls with which they don't agree, or players to whom they don't take a fondness . Luckily, this Sunday in the Greensboro Colosseum, also known as the Dean Dome Jr., most of the fans refrained from using aforementioned slurs. Oh sure, there were plenty of "F&%# DUKE"s and "GTHC"s being thrown around, but I didn't hear much hate speech. That is until the second half.

One especially rambunctious Carolina fan, clearly distraught at his team's performance, quickly resorted to spewing ignorant verbal vomit. I almost always correct people's hate speech whenever I hear it. Even though this fan was but 3 rows behind the band, I still couldn't muster up the courage to correct him. Partially because I was completely "Duke'd" out and was afraid this fan would react poorly to confrontation, and partially because I wasn't sure if this was the venue. If you went to the Me Too Monologues and paid attention to the first act (where a student sitting in the Duke student section during the Duke-UNC game continued to scream hate speech and didn't stop until another student asked him to stop using the homophobic slurs), then you learned that, no matter the venue, it is ALWAYS the right time to stand up for LGBT rights. But in this story, the person correcting the hate speech was on the same team as the offender. In my case, the UNC fan and I, even though we had never met, were lifelong rivals. Should I have still tried to correct his speech? Or was I right to keep my mouth shut?

This Is Why I love My Home Town

This post is mainly a visual one, so I'll keep the text short.

The classiest "religious" organization in our great nation, the Westboro Baptist Church (WBC), decided to make an appearance at the Sundance Film Festival, held in my home town of Park City, Utah. This "church" is renowned for their homophobia, antisemitism and funeral protests.

Some of the students at my high school organized a peaceful counter-protest to let the general public know that the message of the WBC is not tolerated. This is the actual description of the event, and here are a few Facebook links to pictures of the protest. Oh and here's a video. If you cannot see these links, please post a comment and I will work on making them visible to you. They are a must see!

While I cringe every time is see the signs of the WBC, I feel warmth in the bottom of my heart. For every one follower the WBC convinces, thousands more realize how radically wrong their message is. Counter-protests like these exemplify how the nation is slowly changing their views on issues of sexuality. We WILL get the equality entitled to us, just give it time...

The Importance of November's Election for Our Community

[Ed. Note: Say hi to our newest blogger, y'all :) 2014 continues to rep.]

For those of you who do not know me, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Dan Wood. I am a first year student at Duke and I intend to study Mechanical Engineering and Material Sciences. I am gay and open about it to everyone who wants to know. I love running, music, and good literary and intellectual discussions. With out much further delay, let me begin my first post.

Allow me get a little patriotic. It is not only your right, but your duty, as an American citizen to vote. This pertains not only presidential elections, but the Congressional mid-term elections as well. In order for crucial bills, such as ENDA (employment non-discrimination act), to be signed into law, the United States Congress must be composed of a majority of LGBTQ supporters (and technically a 60% 'super majority' in the senate to break a filibuster which usually results in a bill's failure).

If LGBTQ supporters are elected into office this November, a rippling mandate will quake through Washington, one which informs Congress men and women that their constituents support the LGBTQ agenda. It matters not whether you would take a bullet for Obama or rather have a raging herd of red elephants march through Washington. If you support the LGBTQ movement (which I assume most of you do if you are indeed reading this), your political affiliation does not matter for this upcoming mid-term election. Issues such as marriage equality and gay military service will likely be addressed in the 111th Congress. We must elect supporters of our movement into office this November.

If you do not know whether or not your incumbent representatives and senators voted in favor of the LGBTQ agenda, the HRC (Human Rights Campaign) has conveniently created a scorecard of the 2008 congress. This scorecard tallies all of a Congress man or woman's votes on LGBTQ issues and gives them a score in the form of a percentage. The higher the score, the more supportive that given representative or senator is. I have provided a link to the scorecard at the end of this post. I know it may look big and time consuming to read, but for the sake of the movement, please at least look at the congress men and women in your district.