June 21, 2010

Anonymous Posts
(6.14.10-6.20.10)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

What an epic weekend, y'all. Michelle and I drove down to Duke to pay our respects say goodbye to Chris Purcell on his last day. As depressing as this may be, though, it was an awesome trip and I saw Everybody That I Need To See In My Life Right Now. Sitting around the Center with Janie, Megan, Jack, Chris, Justin, Summer, Peg and Mish was probably one of the best parts of my summer so far. I know I've said it before, but I'm SO excited for this Community next semester. Especially since I've resolved that We are going to spend every weekend at Summer's place after excursions to pick various fruits (no pun intended (pun intended)). As JH said, we should do more "beautiful things" in our lives.

I also saw the incomparable co-presidents of UNC's GLBTSA, Billy Kluttz and Alex Kilkka. The LGBT retreat dates have been set for the fall, and it sounds like it might top last year's? Maybe? That would be a very difficult thing to do and we cannot really expect that, considering last year was The Greatest Time. So many hugs. But it really does seem that we'll see unprecedented collaboration among the Triangle schools' (and maybe more!) LGBT communities. Let's do this, Everybody.

In other news, Womyn, Duke's new queer women magazine, is taking applications this week for their review board. The application can be downloaded here, and We should all fill it out. Also, actual written submissions will be accepted beginning July 1st. Think they'll accept a sonnet about Summer Puente? Because I'm sort of banking on it.

Okokok. Anonymous posts.

#1
I love Pride.
It's the only time,space, place where I feel COMPLETELY accepted, loved, embraced. And there's so much overflowing community it's overwhelming. But in an amazing way.

On another note, I think it's the only time when people read me as queer. Which is so rare I'm not used ot it. that I don't know how I feel about it..proud, but a little disoriented? Maybe I should wear a rainbow pin or bracelet to try it out how it feels in the real world? Or is that totally unnecessary to try out?...

#2
"Call me wen u can."

That's all my sister's text said. She has never asked me to call her. She always tries to minimize the contact between us, seeing as though our relationship is anything but friendly.

"She knows."

That's what went through my mind. Repeatedly. Relentlessly. I was an emotional mess and I didn't know what I was going to do. Oddly enough, the fact that I didn't know what to do is a big step from where I was before coming to Duke. Had it been last year, before my freshman year started, I would have prepared myself to outright deny anything that would label me as being gay. Not today. I actually considered just giving in and finally letting go of the secret that has bound and silenced me for eighteen years.

While putting off the inevitable, I thought about everything that could happen. Being kicked out, being rejected by every single family member, losing those I love. These situations are the most extreme; I have no substantial proof to neither quell nor confirm these outcomes. But being at Duke has changed me. I have grown tired of the facade I wear back at home. Here at Duke I don't have to pay attention to every single detail, details that could somehow lead to suspicion, suspicions that could lead to accusations. I have weighed the pros and cons in regards to coming out. Unfortunately, for many reasons, legitimate or not, I decided against coming out this summer. Call it cowardice, call it fear, call it insecurity. Heck, maybe those are accurate, but I do know that I am not quite ready yet. But I digress.

After failing to calm myself I managed to call my sister. Each second waiting for her to answer the phone allowed my mind to think of every negative outcome. I felt relieved after listening to her voicemail message, but I knew it wasn't over. A couple minutes later she called me back and I asked myself I could answer. I did. Long story short, it had nothing to do with me being gay. You'd think I let out a huge sigh of relief and laughed about it after hanging up. I didn't. In fact, I felt even worse. The reasons? I thought about how unfair society is. How people live their lives tormented by a secret. Why people even have to go through all this. This story may or may not have significance, but I'll share it anyways. I wish I didn't have to post it as an anon, but it's best that way.

I couldn't bring myself to hit done. Rob. Vague enough for the world outside of Duke, but personal enough for my community. Now I can hit done.

#3
I went back and forth debating whether or not to send this anonymous post in, but in the end I figure I might as well- I've GOT to get these thoughts out!! So i'm taking summer school at UNC, and sometimes i'll see other lesbians around campus. Well, I think they're gay but of course I can't be 100% sure. :) anyways, I really wanted to meet someone this summer. I have so much extra time on my hands and I'd love to just take someone out to dinner or something, maybe start something up, but i have no CLUE how to go about meeting someone.

argh, frustration.

alrighty, done venting for now :)

7 comments:

  1. um...you can take me out to dinner

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  2. ha, there is just this issue of "anonymous" :)
    - author of #3

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  3. #2-I love you. Reading the last line of your anonymous post made me smile and tear up. I hope this isn't the end of this conversation for you. =)

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  4. #2- "Call it cowardice, call it fear, call it insecurity" I would never call it any of those things... everyone needs their own time to start the coming out process and I wish you the best with everything!

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  5. 2-This post absolutely resonates with me. Every single time I get a voicemail or text from my parents that has a dire tone I just collapse inside. My legs turn to jelly and I know this is it-my personal armageddon. I understand where you're coming from, and I hope that we both can make progress in our personal lives so that we never have to feel that dread again.

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  6. Anon comments to anon posters...but I digress

    #1: I love that you are so comfortable at Pride. It's really a wonderful and accepting place. As for visibility, it is one of the most important things since many still think of homosexuality as this far distant thing that only comes out in parade form. Personally, I am visible with various buttons and t-shirts, but, I also always wear the BDU silicon band around my wrist. It's not something completely outright, but it's just a small thing to put on and a big help in letting people know about my acceptance without them even knowing me.

    #2: Hey number 2, first off, breathe. Breathing? Great. Now, I can completely understand why you had a panic attack at a seemingly harmless text from your sister. Also, being home is understandably stressful. I can't even begin to imagine your torment at being closeted so tightly again after being able to be free without (too much) worry in college. I also can understand that you might be scared to come out and just want them to catch you to save you from being brave and having to stress out about exactly HOW to do it whenever you do get the chance. I hope that you find that confidence soon though, because more times than not, it's worse when anyone finds something out before you tell them.

    #3: Hiya number 3, so I know that you're awfully lonely and maybe a bit shy. Just try to go up and talk to people. In my current summer school experience, people are really friendly when they don't look completely stressed. Also, I can't offer you any substance beyond friendship, but I'd love to be your friend if you're feeling bored. Just shoot me a facebook message (Swati Rayasam) if you want to.

    Christopher, I'm hurt that you didn't want to see me :'( but I'll live.

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  7. #2. rob, i'm with you all the way.

    #3. instead of getting nervous about meeting a potential soulmate, you should try to make 1 queer friend who is pretty familiar with and willing to introduce you to the rest of the circle and see where it goes from there.

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