Standing on the Edge of the Crowd

[Ed. Note: So this is just really cool. Dr. Janie Long is the Director of the Duke LGBT Center, not to mention surrogate mother to Us all. Her Ph.D. is in therapy, and personally I'm not sure where I'd be without her open-door policy. Janie's been hinting that she wanted to write for This Blog for a while now, but her email this morning with this piece attached was still a pleasant surprise. Show her some love, Readers? And I think it would be interesting if We used her last paragraph as a thesis for our own stories in the comments. We weren't all born this way, so to speak.]

So here’s my story… Dar Williams sings a wonderful song entitled, When I Was a Boy, it’s a song about me. You may ask what does that mean…it means I was someone who stood on the outside…I didn’t fit…I was harassed…I was demeaned…I didn’t wear the right clothes…I didn’t play the right games…I was raped at twelve years old for being who I was. You see…they wanted me to be who they thought I should be….But wait…don’t stop reading here.

Let me back up a bit to when I entered school in first grade. This is when I first realized that I did not fit gender binaries. I LOVED to play baseball, basketball, and football, and I WAS Tarzan. I was the first girl in my elementary school to wear pants to school because girls were not allowed to wear pants to school. I remember even my teacher making fun of me because I did. In fifth grade my teacher called my mother and told her I was playing too hard at recess, my face was getting too red and she should tell me to stop playing ball and just play with the girls. Thus, I virtually stood on the sidelines when it came to being what a girl should be. It took two much older boys hurting me badly at the end of sixth grade to show me what being a girl meant to them to get me on the “right track” to becoming a girl.

Then came junior high and because the older boys felt the need to spread ugly rumors about me I spent the seventh grade being ostracized by everyone. Literally, no one talked to me when I was at school the entire year. I was even run out of the local movie theater by people throwing chunks of ice at me from their fountain drinks. I wasn’t a part of the popular crowd. I wasn’t a part of any crowd. I was awkward. I didn’t wear my hair right. I did not know how to put on make-up. My mother made many of my clothes. No one asked me to their parties…No one said I understand. I thought I was the only one. Thank the goddesses I know differently now.

I wasn’t the only one. There were others like me who felt they didn’t fit in. They fell short of the “ideal”. And most importantly…I realized that the ideal really varied from person to person and guess what….only I got to determine my ideal. Imagine that…I got to determine what was ideal for me.

I didn’t have to wear the right clothes, own the right gender identity or sexual orientation or even own the right things…I just had to be me….yes, that’s right….ME. The me who is authentic…who hurts…who has self doubts… who was almost stripped of all dignity…who finally said no, hell no, you will NOT define me….I will define me. I am strong, I am unique, I have a purpose in this universe. And once I started to see the special in me I did find friends and I no longer sat on the sidelines.

You may say but there is no one else like me. Guess again, my friend….many of us have been there…we were/are the sideline kids, the quirky ones, the geeks. You may look at me now and say but you are a leader. Privileged, yes, I know I am in my current position but was I way back in the day when I was “not a girl” oh no, I felt like these lyrics from Dar Williams:

I won't forget when Peter Pan came to my house, took my hand

I said I was a boy; I'm glad he didn't check.

I learned to fly, I learned to fight

I lived a whole life in one night

We saved each other's lives out on the pirate's deck.

When I was a boy, I scared the pants off of my mom,

Climbed what I could climb upon

And I don't know how I survived,

I guess I knew the tricks that all boys knew.

And you can walk me home, but I was a boy, too.

I was a kid that you would like, just a small boy on her bike

Riding topless, yeah, I never cared who saw.

My neighbor came outside to say, "Get your shirt,"

I said "No way, it's the last time I'm not breaking any law."

And now I'm in this clothing store, and the signs say less is more

More that's tight means more to see, more for them, not more for me

That can't help me climb a tree in ten seconds flat

When I was a boy, See that picture? That was me

Grass-stained shirt and dusty knees

And I know things have gotta change…

But I am not forgetting...that I was a boy too

I may have confidence now, but I will never forget that part of me. Every person who comes to the Center has a story. Many of those stories have been told here but many more have not. We are a varied group. Some of us are very quiet, some of us are very loud, some of us buy our clothes in thrift stores and some of us wear designer things, some of us study abroad and some of us study in von der Heyden, some of us are out to friends and family and some of us are not. Don’t just come once or twice to large gatherings where it might be difficult to connect with others. Some of us love Fab Friday and some of us do not. Come during the week between classes, get to know the staff, check out a movie and some books, take a nap on one of the couches, watch your favorite show on Hulu on our laptops. You are not alone…just ask the small boy on her bike.

Let's Make THIS the new "Bro" Culture :)

WASSSSSSSSSUPPPP PARTY PEOPLE?!?!?!

If any of y'all have read sites like TotalFratMove or BroBible, you probably do one of two things: 1) You are offended at the blatantly sexist/racist/homophobic/misogynist/etc. views that [appear to] reflect a Greek campus culture of which you *definitely* do not want to be a part, or 2) You laugh at how funny the posts/quotes are -- oftentimes, because they speak to some pretty sad truths -- but then you shrug and move on with your life.

I tend to do both. I'm not really sure what that means, to be honest, but...

Regardless of how you respond to these sites, I'd like y'all to take a look at a NEW "Bro" blog that has gained popularity recently, and even though some insecure/stupid/washed-up people on this campus might think it's a little trite, an unbelievably high number of my Frat Star friends have been posting it -- proudly -- on their Facebooks. It's a really, really awesome site, my favorite two posts of which made me think of all of us in Blue Devils United, the quotes being:

"BroTip #100: Being a Bro has nothing to do with gender. If you're always rad and forever legit, you've got what it takes."

"BroTip #131: Always be proud of who you are. Don't back down from people telling you not to be."

The entire site can be found at: http://www.brotipshq.com

...here's to making this blog viral and redefining what it means to be a real Bro on this campus! I know that I, personally, have been and will always be a Bro4Life ;)

xo,

E.

Anonymous Posts (3.21.11-3.27.11)

Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks or hate speech. Feel free to submit your thoughts and questions :)

For those of you who missed it, lav ball was Saturday night. And while an unnamed person told me that it might best be described by "messy, juicy, slovenly," I'd like to say that I thought it was just lovely. Former blogger-in-chief, Chris Perry, once again impressed us all with his endless music selection. But the event really wouldn't have been possible without incoming President, Ari Bar-Mashiah [it's really pronounced with a throat-clearing sound at the end of it #I'mJewishIKnowTheseThings] and our Vice President Elect. And, I would have been dancing with myself (Billy Idol style [youtube just informed me Glee also sang this, who knew? [Ed. Note: We all did, Risa. GYLT]]) if it hadn't been for all of you who attended--so thanks to all of you who came out (#GayPunsNeverGetOld) to "The Prom You [or your straight friends] Never Had."

Make sure you didn't miss the other awesome stuff going on this weekend, though, like Duke Women's Basketball reaching the Elite Eight and Duke bringing home two national championships (fencing and diving).

Oh, and Matt's post about getting accepted to Duke (Hi, 2015! We want you!), Megan's post about LGBTQ life in Madrid and Cameron's blog about being introverted ;-)

#1

I don't even go to Duke. But I just found out the most awesome thing today--during the 1960s(?) to the 1980s(? don't really know about time periods) my favorite history professor (who is incredibly important and an indispensable part of the department) was IN A LESBIAN ROCK BAND. I'm gloating in the awesomeness of all the envy of all you blue devil revellers ;-)

#2

This post will engender a harsh response. I'm ok with that, but hope that those offended will try to address this as a genuine question and not a personal criticism of their gender/sexuality/way of life. My understanding of transgender people is that they feel as though they were born in the wrong body. They feel like a man, trapped in a woman's body or vice-versa. We, as a society of largely non-transgendered people, accept (or at least ought to accept) and accommodate transgendered people because it is not harmful to us, is important to them, and is really none of our business in the first place. At its root, being transgender is a denial of one aspect of your biology- your sex. My question is: How would we, as a society, react to someone denying a different aspect of their biology? If a white man insisted that he be referred to, and treated as, black? My question is not "where do we draw the line" because I am not certain that a line should be drawn. But I do wonder about how indulgent I am obligated to be to the peculiarities of others, and how apologetic I should, or should not be for misusing a pronoun.

#3

I only just recently found out about this blog and I thought it'd be a good way to send a message out there to the LGBTQA (how many more letters can we add to this?) student community. I'm a faculty member, I'm 26, I am gay and I am absolutely not in the closet. My colleagues (of all ages) are VERY accepting, some are even LGBTQ themselves and as far as I know, no one has ever been a victim of homophobia and no one has come off as being homophobic in my Department (and it's a pretty big one!). I have a boyfriend, my colleagues ask me about him all the time, I bring him to our events/parties... All this to say that, as far as I know, many many faculty and staff members are open-minded and accepting of LGBT students. I think there's a post on this blog about a student who was a little hesitant to come out to her/his teacher about her/his sexuality and realized it wasn't a big deal at all for the teacher once s/he did. Let's make this clear: as a professor, you cannot discriminate between your students and for many of us (if not all of us) you don't even need this to be a rule for it to be what we obey by everyday in the classroom, in our office and on campus. More and more faculty members and colleagues of mine are taking the Ally training offered by the LGBT center and hopefully more and more "I"m an Ally" stickers will show up on office doors around campus. Another place and person you can turn to if you need to talk and need support and help! So just in case some of you were thinking "what if my professor finds out I'm gay/lesbian/bi/trans?", I'm pretty sure that they'll just tell you "Don't expect a special treatment for being AWESOME!". :-D

#4

What do you guys (especially gay men) think about Modern Family? Particularly the gay couple, Cam and Mitchell? Just curious.

#5

So these past few months have been rough for me. To say the least, I am very confused. I started feeling attracted to some men and I didn't really know what to make of it. I had never been in and still haven't been in a relationship before so this made it all the more confusing. What also made it worse - I had just liked a girl about a month before this all started. Lately, I have felt like I might be gay but have been struggling with being sure of it. It's not being gay that troubles me - I have talked to many people about how I feel and don't care about people knowing or which way I end up - it's not knowing that scares me. I'm not really sure what's gonna make me finally realize. I've been trying to meet more people in the LGBT community. I went to Fab Friday today which was a lot of fun but later on in the day it just made me think more about this dilemma and I just got more upset. I feel like I won't ever be sure unless I go on a date with someone or kiss/hook up with someone (guy or girl). I feel like this situation has taken over my life the past few months and I don't know what to do. And with only ~5 weeks left of the semester, I feel like I won't figure it out by then and then I go home for 3.5 months where I know one gay person and I'll be left to question that entire time. I just don't know what to do with myself regarding this.

#6

For the past year here, I've watched my gay friends build relationships with wonderful people, and I couldn't be happier for them. Granted, when they are people that I am attracted to, it does make me a little upset, but I'm their friend, so I can't say that, especially when I really am happy for them. It's usually more about me being upset and angry at my loneliness than it is about them, and it also boils down to the realization that "I'm not their type." I'm a nerd. I'm an introvert. I'm quiet and generally awkward. I don't have the courage to tell people who I am attracted to that, well I'm attracted to them, for fear of being more awkward, fear of being rejected (again and again), and just overall fear that I'm not "boyfriend-material" for that person. I fear that I am looking in all of the wrong places, yet I do not know where to look for people. I've met people at the Center, but that has not worked. There are a lot of people and friends I know that I have my speculations on whether or not they are gay, but I would never go and ask them out, especially if I find out that they are actually straight in the process, since that would be extremely awkward (haven't experienced that yet, but it's only a matter of time). I have talked with my friends about this issue before, and the typical response from them is, "Don't worry, you will definitely find somebody, you shouldn't worry too much about it now." Thankfully, I have one friend who is able to be a pessimist with me, and she raises the point which I raise as well: "What if I don't find anybody? There are plenty of people who are single after college and for their lifetime. And look at divorce rates. Plenty of people are getting divorced, so did they technically find somebody?" I've only been at the whole dating thing for less than a year, but I see my options dwindle day-by-day around me. I know that I'm very pessimistic right now (which is unfortunate since I tend to be an optimist(-ish) in my daily life), but I pose the question: What if I don't find somebody here at Duke? Or back home? Or in the area? I plan to go to grad school, complete my Ph.D., and start teaching and researching after my years of formal education. I'm probably not going to have time after my undergraduate career to enter the dating pool while I'm in grad school, and by the time I'm done (which I approximate 28-30 years of age), it will be much tougher to find time and people to date. I mean, I barely have time as it is now with my schedule, but I'm definitely willing to make time for the person who I like and want to spend time with in a relationship. I've had the unfortunate pleasure of being disappointed by one of my crushes here, and as more friends find boyfriends, multiple. Personally, I would like to stop this. But how? I ask the community at large, what can I do if there is somebody that I like, I am >90% certain he is gay (certainty on if he, in general, is gay is not 100% for my gaydar), but I have no idea on how to approach? How are you all doing it? I really am curious to know. Is it Facebook, randomly meeting them at parties, or what? I just don't know what I am doing wrong.

#7

Hey community, I wanted to respond to anon. #4 last week (defining identities and bisexuality as an umbrella term) in a way that I knew people would actually read it. So here it is. As recently as a month ago, I would have really agreed with #4. As an identified bisexual, it feels isolating and rejecting when people tell you over and over again that they're attracted to men and women, but they don't identify as bi. It leaves you feeling like "is my sexual identity out of style?" "Am I different from you, or am I missing a memo?" "Why do people at women loving women say that they wouldn't date people like me?". It can put you on a defensive platform, defending the existence of bisexuality constantly. It can also be really isolating to identify as bisexual when so many people are attracted to both sexes, but so few people will identify as bi. I started to think "if only you guys would identify like I do, we could have a community, an identify, and a voice", But that was back when I was attracted to masculine male-sexed individuals and feminine female-sexed individuals. It was much clearer back then. Now as I begin to notice that butch woman on stage or that gender non-conforming person in the corner, (and feel less and less attracted to men, but that's beside the point) I feel like bisexual doesn't cut it anymore. I'm not sure what to call myself, so queer is becoming a nice catch-all. Of course this leaves me feeling like a hypocrite. But maybe it would be nice to use bisexual as an umbrella term, much like transgender is an umbrella term. Or maybe queer is enough of an umbrella term and bisexuality should be included under it. Or maybe we should all just use gay. Anyway, if we could just choose one word to unite us all, maybe we would feel more powerful in numbers and in voice. Then people could and identify under that with their more nuanced terms without worrying about fragmenting our population and isolating certain people. It's just a thought. Anyway, I just wanted to say to anon #4, as a person who thought like you very recently, I can appreciate your frustration. But as I change, I'm beginning to change my mind. That's all. Sincerely, Nicole Dautel

Lavender Ball Recap

"Dirt and glitter cover the floor,
We're pretty and sick,
We're young and were bored" –Ke$ha

Duke’s LGBTQA students were anything but bored Saturday night as they celebrated the annual Lavender Ball in the Freeman Center for Jewish Life. The event, hailed by some as a comedy of (drunken) errors, drew hundreds of students and was a function of Blue Devils United, Duke’s undergraduate LGBT student association. Event chairs Ari and his co did an outstanding job of planning and executing the event. Thanks also to DJ Chris “Gays-just-don't-appreciate-their-gay-icons-anymore!” Perry [Ed. Note: I just wanted to play I'm Every Woman at a gay event. Is that so wrong?!] and photographer Ollie “Prom-pose!” Wilson.

The night started slowly because, according one slightly slurred suggestion, attendees were “running on gay time.” The dance floor quickly crowded, though, and disorderly conduct increased over the course of the night (see chart).


Social columns used to be newspaper staples in big cities. These columns would report to the masses the proceedings of all the biggest parties and outline who did what, and with whom. I’ll refrain from doing the same—you’re welcome. What I will divulge, however, is that the event was a ton of fun. Whether dancing, reconnecting with LGBT students from all around the triangle, or watching Spencer Paez werq, everyone involved had a blast.

The theme of the event was “The prom you never had,” but I’m not sure anyone has ever had a prom quite like that.

(Above photos by Ollie Wilson. Many thanks to him for letting us use them, and to those pictured, for looking absolutely stunning!)

Confessions of a Gay Introvert and How to Survive in a Gay Extroverted World

In my first post, I introduced myself as an introvert, specifically an INTJ. I am now here to speak, to both introverts and extroverts, about who we are, some of my own confessions, and how introverts can survive in a world that favors extroversion.

1) Who we are: We are misunderstood. We like being alone to think and recuperate from the day's events. We have to be dragged to parties or Shooters. You mistake us for being shy, loners, reserved, arrogant, quiet, and rude, and you couldn't be more wrong. Just ask my friends. They will tell you that I'm far from shy, I love talking, I'm (usually) really nice, and I'm rather loud. But you, the outsider, won't recognize these things about us until you get to know us. We think differently, from a figurative and a literal stance; our neurological wiring is different so we process information in a different manner.

We are often left out and oppressed. We don't have a huge hold in the political world or the social scene. I will focus on the social scene for this case. As a gay introvert who rarely (read: never) frequents the clubs, parties, etc. where I might find other guys, I am at a huge disadvantage. My dating pool, which was fairly small to begin with, is now much smaller. But what am I to do? Change myself and become extroverted, when I'm not? Never. When it comes to being an introvert with an extrovert, Jonathan Rouch writes it perfectly when he says in an article, "I'm okay, you're okay-in small doses."

2) My confessions: I'm mostly attracted to extroverts, or at least so far, that's what I think. To be honest, I guess I've only ever been exposed to extroverted guys, and very few introverts guys. Extroverts, if you can just be empathetic and imagine what it's like for introverts to come out. When it comes to groups of people, coming out is basically out of the question. Now 1) having to be out to that group and 2) expecting another introvert to be in that group will both occur with tiny probabilities.

So we are mostly exposed to the extroverts, but at the same time, the extroverts typically don't go for the introverts; that's just a conflict of interest. For some introverts, they want an extrovert to balance them out, but we introverts have no idea how to approach. So what's an introvert to do? Well in my case, I freak out, and leave. Or I get upset because nobody understands how I think/feel when I say "I just don't feel comfortable here."

I confess that hookups are not a possibility for me. To an introvert, a connection with a person is special and unique. We have ourselves a great group of friends, typically small, but within that group are our very few friends, like one or two, who I trust enough to tell everything and talks deeply about my feelings and emotions. Hookups completely violate that principle, but here at Duke, hookups are a common option, but again, that would require me to attend parties/clubs. So that's ruled out. So what's an introvert to do?

3) Surviving in an extroverted world: It seems like the LGBT community is meant for extroverts. As much as I loved going to NC Pride Parade this year, I imagine that introverts feel slightly out of place. I know I certainly did. But there are plenty of introverts out there, gay introverts even! We are here, even though we may be hard to find. You shouldn't let a fear of extroversion be a reason for not being comfortable as a gay introvert.

For the introverts still in the closet, I advocate coming out to close friends who already love you for who you are. As an introvert, you have already done a great job picking amazing friends who will support you through everything. It's the introvert's intuition.

Overall, be proud to be an introvert! Your perspective, your thoughts, and your personality are all wonderful things to be treasured. Introversion is not a choice, but rather an orientation; embrace it! What may seem like a world for extroverts can still be cohabited by us introverts.

Introverts of the world, unite!

"Duke Gay"

I was offered admission to Duke University exactly one year ago today, but at the time I was justifiably concerned about a different kind of acceptance.

At 5:00 pm, I found out of my acceptance and by 5:01 I was wondering about LGBT life at Duke. The first phrase I searched on the internet was the first that came to mind: “Duke gay.” Whether this reflects my poor knowledge of Google’s search algorithms or simply my nervous excitement, I’m not sure.

What was I looking for? I’m not sure. I’ll tell you what I’ve since found, though.

Duke’s Center for LGBT Life is a great resource and the students that frequent it form a great community. Duke has many LGBT students representing all backgrounds. How many students? I won’t lie and say that we’re a Yale or a Smith, but there are enough students for a diverse, strong, and outspoken community. There are alternatives to this community, though—many openly LGBT students don’t have anything to do with the Center and are perfectly happy. The LGBT dating scene is strong, though the LGBT hookup scene is stronger. But that’s just college, right?

Openly gay students rarely rush fraternities and sororities, but it isn’t unheard of. Selective living groups—typically coed and accepting—are popular alternatives to Greek life, providing networking opportunities and social outlets without rigid gender roles or a stressful rush process.

While there is always room for improvement, the Administration has a history of LGBT support. In addition to funding the Center for LGBT life, it maintains a strong anti-discrimination policy inclusive of sexual orientation. That chapel you’ve seen or heard so much about? Yeah, it hosts same-sex ceremonies.

And don’t write Duke off, like I almost did, just because it’s in the South. Duke is in Durham, which has recently been crowned the Lesbian Capital of the South. Not lesbian? That’s okay, too- Durham, along with Raleigh and Chapel Hill form a region known as the Research Triangle, a moderately liberal oasis within the Bible-Belt. In 2009, openly gay Town Councilman Mark Kleinshmidt ran for and won the office of Mayor of Chapel Hill, which I see as a positive indicator of the region’s social progressiveness.

If you’ve recently been accepted to Duke University, I extend my congratulations. I hope this post and this blog are helpful to you and I encourage you to ask any questions you may have in the comment section. I also recommend that you attend Blue Devil Days to get a feel for campus culture, academic, social, and otherwise.

Oh, and did I mention that NC Pride ran right past my dorm last September?