June 29, 2010

Coming Out to Nana

In the entry I wrote on January 14th, 2010, I told a horrible story about a conversation I had with one of my grandmothers where she mentioned damnation to all gays. Two days ago, on Thursday (I am writing this on Saturday), I called her up. As context I want to say that we're not too close, mostly based on a rough relationship with my mother. So I was catching up with her on the phone, and I told her all about moving off campus and how great life is etc etc.

Then there was the perfect window to out myself.

"So, are you seeing anyone?"

AHHHHHHHH. BREATHE. BREATHE. It's okay. She won't hate you.

"Yes." (Ughhh cop out!)

"What's he do?"

"Actually, Nana, I'm dating a female."

I did it. The whole time, I could feel my heart pounding out of my chest. Maybe it wasn't a radical type of honesty since I had to be led by questions, but I didn't avert and I didn't lie. Then I proceeded to tell her all about Hilary.

I could sense her pauses between sentences getting longer and longer, she was clearly choosing her words carefully. She sounded sad. But then she said, "All I want is for you to be happy." Even if that's not totally true, she's being a trooper and I appreciate her effort so much. She talked about how angry and depressed I was six months ago and how she can really feel the changes I've made and how well I'm doing.

So the people in my family who know: My dad, mom, one nana, Ashleigh (my sister) and Brock (my brother). After telling this nana, I wouldn't be surprised if word got around quick to that side of the family. But I'm so much closer to my dad's side. I've got another set of grandparents, aunts and uncles… What's keeping me from telling them about my great news and joy?

I've spent several occasions (probably amounting up to hours at this point) talking to Megan about this. She encouraged me to tell my family in person because it's so much more intimate. I get that, I definitely do. But if the next chance I get to go home is in December, then it will have been a year since I've seen them, and a year since I've been with Hilary. It's already been six months.

And I figure since telling the first nana was the most terrifying, it can't be all that bad. And on a side note, what's more important, telling them I'm gay? Or telling them I'm in a gay relationship? OR telling them I live with my partner?!

I feel like I'm moving too quickly along in my life to exclude them much longer, otherwise I will be like a stranger living a double life, and that sure as hell isn't happening again.

Thus, I find myself empathizing with so many of you, and whose stories I've collected or heard.

6 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you've found a happy place

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  2. YOU DID IT!!!! Congratulations!!! I am super proud of you!! As for waiting to do it in person-I think you've explained it perfectly here as to why you couldn't wait. I think not wanting to exclude them, (or isolate yourself) from understanding this major important aspect of your life is what real family does. I'm really impressed by this! I still haven't come out to my Grandma but I'm totally more encouraged to do so after you did. Awesome job Summer! =)

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  3. You should be proud of yourself, Summer. What you did takes a lot of will power, so don't feel bad for taking a breath before you do it again. I'm happy for you, for all the good news and changes you've mentioned here.

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  4. Congratulations Summer, that was so incredibly courageous of you! I'm so happy that you were able to do this and that you're feeling relieved now. I love how you refer to your relationship as your great joy :) Good luck with however/whenever you decide to tell the rest of your family.

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  5. Thanks Megan, but it wasn't the nana that I really want to tell. =/

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  6. Summerrrrrr! I always tell you how strong you are, and you're proving me right once again. I'm happy for you, and proud of your courage. It may not have been the nana you really wanted to tell, but I have complete faith that you'll get around to that as well, and have something else to feel great about =)

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