That's how I was going to start this blog post. I was then going to proceed to tell you all about why I was crying and how upset I was about being home and not being accepted by mom. I was going to rant about how I would never be the perfect son she wanted me to be but how I would do anything I could to make her happy. All in all, it was going to be one of my sadder posts. But, I never really finished it. I kept thinking of new details to add or take away and I just never got around to posting it. Now, I'm glad I did.
In the post, I was going to talk about how my mom refuses to accept that I'm gay or even talk about it. I was going to cry about not having a good relationship with her. But, after a week of being here, I've picked up on something my mom keeps asking me:
"Baby, are you happy?"- mom asks me.
"Yeah, I am."- I reply puzzled.
"Are you sure? Because you know that all mommy wants for you is to be happy. You know that right?"- she says kinda awkwardly.
"Yes, ma'am."- In my head I'm thinking, what you talking about momma?! (anyone get the reference?)
"Good, because as long as you're happy, that's all I care about. Do you understand?"- she replies with a smile.
"Yes, ma'am."- I say still confused and baffled but maybe getting a sense of what she's hinting at.
Well, I didn't really catch on the first time she said it, but she's repeated it to me several times. Now, I'm not gonna jump for joy over this. She still hasn't said the g-word (gay) or even hinted at my sexuality. So I'm not entirely sure if that's what she's alluding to or just speaking generally. Either way, I feel like it's a step in the right direction for her. It's a long way from the "You're gonna burn in hell" and "Don't go near your little cousins" speeches. In fact, now she urges me to go hang out with them since I only see them once a year. But it did get me to thinking, what if the reason my mom and I don't have a good relationship anymore is because I've been pushing her away from trying to fix it.
I pride myself on being a very open person. I'll tell you just about anything if you ask me. If I feel I can trust a person, I'll open up to them in a matter of minutes (maybe not the best thing to do but that's how I roll). But with my mom, it's so totally different. I clam up talking about anything with her because I feel she won't understand or will rush to judgment. I don't tell her much about my friends (she's always been critical of my friend choices). I don't tell her much about my fraternity ("Why would you join a white fraternity? Do you think you're too good for a black one?"). I definitely don't tell her anything about my sexual life or even the fact that I'm somewhat active in the gay community. The only thing I do tell her about is Rhythm and Blue, my a cappella group. But even that gets some scrutiny from her ("Are you sure that singing group isn't taking up too much of your time?"). So, I basically tiptoe around all subjects in my life creating a very one-sided relationship where I know everything about her life and she knows nothing about mine.
Do I feel bad about it? Yeah, I do. But when everything that is important to me seems distracting to her, I just don't feel comfortable talking about it. Well, at least I used to. But now, things are changing. She's asking more about my college life and not being so judgmental and scrutinizing every little detail. And so I have started to open up to her more except for in one area.
Yeah, being gay, obviously. I want to tell her about the awesome LGBT friends I have. I want to rant to her about this guy I'm practically in love with even though we've only really hung out once. I want to cry to her about the past guys that have broken my heart. I want to tell her that I'm happy, truly happy. I'm enjoying life and having fun. I want to show her that being gay hasn't hindered my life or made it worse like she thought it would. In fact, it's opened up so many doors to so many amazing people and adventures. Most of all, I want to finally come out to my family but I need her support to do that. But I can't talk to her about this yet. I feel like she's still not ready. I don't want to push her to talk about something she's not ready to talk about.
But, I think she's getting there. She's slowly making her way to the point where she's ready to talk about it. So far, she's still at the awkward asking of "So... are there any... boys, I mean, young men you're interested in?". At one point, I tried to use this as my chance to go a little further with her by telling her about a guy but she hurriedly retreated back to her usual "Are you sure there aren't any girls you like? Maybe you just haven't found the right one." So, I just let it drop. She hasn't asked me that in a while. Next time, I'll try again.
For now, I'll bide my time. It seems like she's making progress. Slow, minimal progress but it's progress nonetheless. I'd love any advice on how to deal with this or maybe speed up the process a little (jk, but actually). I want both of us to be ready to have these conversations but what do I do now that I am, but she's not?