Every week, we collect anonymous entries sent in using the link on our sidebar and post them all on Monday. We post anything as long as it doesn't contain personal attacks, hate speech, or express or insinuate that one is at risk for hurting themselves or someone else. Please read this for an explanation of this policy and seek help if your or a friend find yourself in that position. With those exceptions aside, please feel free to submit your thoughts and questions. :)
Wow. What a weekend. Women's soccer took us on an incredible ride to the national championship game, and, though we didn't pull out the final 'W,' I couldn't be more proud of the team or the way this campus supported them.
The Bar...Durham got pretty crowded Saturday night, thanks to one community member's efforts, so props to him and thanks! If you didn't get any action, have no fear--Sara (#i'mbitter) and I (Girl Crushes) teamed up to make sure at least the blog got some. :-P So check out the posts!
Happy December and good luck as we embark on Fall LWOC! The Center and BDU have a bunch of events (first year dinner tonight, Spectrum Tuesday, Our Lives Discussion Group Wednesday, Women Loving Women Sunday) to keep you on your toes, so check out the sidebar. And be sure to come out to the last Blue Devils United meeting of the semester, Wednesday, 5:30pm.
Now, notes from OC!
Over the last week a few people have made jokes about my being gay or being closeted and I just go right ahead and laughingly agree with them. It's funny because I am (I think right?)! But it's surprising how natural it is to hear myself referred to as gay... I guess it's just an outward expression of how I tend to think of myself anyways. Anywho I'm just chillin in the closet until I figure out exactly how I feel... what do you guys think the chances are that that will happen (I know you don't know me, but best bets)? I'm not stressed or anything, because I don't know how much it matters if I "know" how I feel, but I do feel like I wouldn't want to come out as questioning or come out at all unless I was sure.
I'd be curious to know the community's reaction to this. It's a rarely expressed viewpoint here, and I'm curious as to reactions. Shane
[Author's note: this is directed to multiple gay men, although the letter is addressed singularly:]
Dear Gay male, Your comment last night was hurtful. I was in your room, and you said, "The Bar was so LESBIIIAAAANNNN tonight!" You know what? The Bar was about 50:50 women:men tonight. It really wasn't "that" lesbian-in fact it was almost equal, for once. We've been going to your events for years (read: BDU, Vespa, virtually any and every gay bar, etc.), and we never once told you that it was "so gay". Instead, we quietly tried to cultivate our own women's community and hoped maybe one day we'd get a space half as many women as we consistently see at your events and your gay bars. When I walk into the LGBT Center, I notice that you talk to the gay men. But never to me. I know you're not physically attracted to me-that's okay. But it's not okay to ignore me and pretend like I don't exist. Just because I'm not a prospect doesn't mean I suddenly don't matter. I speak with men when I enter the Center-not only is it common courtesy, but ignoring them doesn't even cross my mind. Why do you ignore the women in your own space? Is it because I'm any less sexually appealing than the men? (Would that rationale even make it okay?) You say you are "progressive". You then speak over me. You talk, and talk, and talk. I'm not sure if it's your white privilege or your male privilege or both that lead you to do this-but I feel like I can never get a word in. I wish you would realize that men, statistically, dominate conversation time. Women can never get a word in. Please don't tell me that "women are more expressive with their emotions" and so that makes it okay that you are being expressive now. Facts show that women's voices are routinely not heard-whether that is politically, economically, etc. You say you are a "progressive" gay. You're not being progressive if you don't ask the women what they think-and you're even less progressive if you simply don't care. Are you recognizing your own male privilege? If not, you're losing me as a friend, because your comments hurt, whether or not you can understand why. You can actively be my ally. You can ask me my thoughts, opinions-and you can be willing to be silent (not all the time, but yes, at times), and listen to my female voice. I hope you're willing to try.
-A Queer Woman (who is a member of your community, your "family", and just as much a part of this movement as you.)
I told this girl I like her today...well I hinted at it and I'm pretty sure she got the picture. She seemed weirded out and the conversation ended shortly after. I thought she'd be cool with it because she's very open about one of her relatives being gay. I think it's somewhat funny that my first attempt at getting with another girl went so horribly. I feel really crappy. That is all.
I just can’t help but wish that I was better at the whole gay bar scene/thing. I’m a girl who is pretty involved with BDU and the Center and I have a lot of lgbtq friends, but I still had a hard time figuring out who to go with to the bar on Saturday night. I’m not in any of the gay friend groups, and most of my lgbtq friends are guys. It’s hard to go out with them, because they, understandably, don’t want to have anything to do with me when they’re looking for a hook up (or even when they include me, I get left out once people decide to be sexy with each other). I’m not the biggest fan of Women Loving Women, which probably would have been the easy fix to all of this. Once I finally found my way to the bar, I just felt paralyzed. I didn’t know how to dance with anyone except my gay guy friends (a few of them have the same social anxieties as me, which means that dancing with each other is the safe alternative to having to find someone of our same gender). I like dancing with them. It’s fun! But I can only do that for so long…and it’s not why I went to the bar. But when it comes to other women, I don’t know how to do anything other than ‘circle dance’ in a group. And then it gets to the point where it’s just so hard to see everyone pairing up and being sexy with each other and not having anyone. I’m so at peace with being single until I go out to the bar, at which point I’m still fine with being single/not in a relationship, but I really want to partner up for the night, at least. But of course, I don’t want to partner up with someone who I know well from Duke—because what happens when I run into them on the quad or at the center later? This isn’t very coherent, but I guess what I’m trying to say is that going out is just all so complicated for me and by the end of the night I always experience frustration, disappointment, self-hate for not being ‘better’ at ‘this’, and am in a funk.
Please remember that there are a number of resources available on campus and in the local community. These resources are available over breaks and throughout the school year. If you or a friend are experiencing thoughts or urges to harm yourself or somebody else, please reach out to the following resources: In an emergency, please don't hesitate to call CAPS at any time, including "after hours" at (919) 966-3820. Ask to speak to the advice nurse and tell them you are a Duke student. You may also call the Trevor Project, a national hotline specifically for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer and questioning youth (college students included). Their number is 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386).